Gf wants her mom to move in with us. Any advice?

[JDMxTeGrA101]

Hi guys so my gf and I bought our home last year and she had her friend and daughter stay with us which didn't work out. My gf and her are no longer friends after she treated our home like crap. Now we have 2 empty bedrooms and one is a guest room. My gf's mom is from another country and visits my gf every 2 years and usually stays with her for 6 months. She loves it here of course compared to where she is and has been wanting to come here soon. 

Ok so I'll get to the point that my gf just bought her mom's plane ticket for November. I was hoping she would only stay here for 6 months but she's actually having her move in with us. I hinted to her that I didn't want her moving in right away as Ive never even met the mom and she got disappointed and explained to me that without her mom, she wouldn't be where she is right now (Great paying job here in America).

I do get it since her mom paid for her school and everything even though they came from a poor family but the thing is I don't want her moving in right away. The mom really wants to move here also cause my gf spoils her in every way and pays for everything. There's stuff I don't want to tell my gf cause I feel like she might get hurt.

The mom is in her 70s and at the moment we have no kids but I feel like we will be taking care of a big kid. The thing about her mom is that she doesn't work or anything so we will have to support her financially. My gf doesn't mind buying her stuff all the time either but we have mortgage to pay and we like to take vacations every now and then, and also eat out a lot. I feel like it's going to hit us financially aswell. Also, I feel like date nights will no longer be there since my gf would probably bring her with us everywhere we go.

Another thing is she still treats my gf like a kid like tells her what to do, gets mad if she didn't listen to her etc.. I also feel like she gets into people's business easy. I feel like I won't be comfortable in my own home with her living here but I made sure to tell my gf know that I don't want her mom touching or moving my stuff around when she's here as she does that with my gf's stuff. Another thing I feel is we will no longer have privacy with her here.

 

[Wiseman2]

Are you from different cultures? Is it customary in her culture to take care of her elders? It's a very difficult situation since your GF is half owner of the house. 

[JDMxTeGrA101]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you from different cultures? Is it customary in her culture to take care of her elders? It's a very difficult situation since your GF is half owner of the house. 

Yes we’re from the same culture. Yes she’s the half owner but since she makes a lot more money than me, she’s paying 80% of our mortgage until I’m done with school so she has the advantage here.

[Coily]

Has the mother applied for residency? As it is illegal to remain in most countries beyond 90 dayss without a visa or residency application. Which could land you and your GF in a lot of hot water, and the mother too.

You have a lot of reasonable objections, and you should have a say in what happens in a house you are legally and financially responsible for. While she is currently paying a majority of the mortgage, that shouldn't invalidate your position in the home. Life could take a turn and you are paying 100% due to disability on your GFs part.

You two need to have a real conversation about how her mother will impact your lives, and if your GF gets hurt by the fact you don't just want to let her get her way; then you need to examine the relationship dynamic.

[catfeeder]

I’d sell GF my half of the property at a deep discount price and save myself from a miserable future with no way out.

[boltnrun]

@Coilyhas an excellent point. People can't just move to the US and stay. They have to get all of the appropriate paperwork filed, have hearings, etc. 

My son married an immigrant here on a student visa. Despite the fact my son's spouse has been in the country for years legally they just recently got a long term resident visa. A "green card" will not happen for several years. And they're married. 

[JDMxTeGrA101]

19 minutes ago, Coily said:

Has the mother applied for residency? As it is illegal to remain in most countries beyond 90 dayss without a visa or residency application. Which could land you and your GF in a lot of hot water, and the mother too.

You have a lot of reasonable objections, and you should have a say in what happens in a house you are legally and financially responsible for. While she is currently paying a majority of the mortgage, that shouldn't invalidate your position in the home. Life could take a turn and you are paying 100% due to disability on your GFs part.

You two need to have a real conversation about how her mother will impact your lives, and if your GF gets hurt by the fact you don't just want to let her get her way; then you need to examine the relationship dynamic.

Not too sure but I think she will apply for the green card once she’s here? Didn’t really want to ask but I do hope it doesn’t happen 

[JDMxTeGrA101]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

@Coilyhas an excellent point. People can't just move to the US and stay. They have to get all of the appropriate paperwork filed, have hearings, etc. 

My son married an immigrant here on a student visa. Despite the fact my son's spouse has been in the country for years legally they just recently got a long term resident visa. A "green card" will not happen for several years. And they're married. 

I believe her mom will apply for a green card once she’s here but I do hope it doesn’t go through right away. I want to see how she is the time she’s here since I’ve never even met her.

[Seraphim]

I wouldn’t get involved in what sounds like a legal nightmare. People just can’t rock up to another country and never leave.

[Seraphim]

Border officials will also have lots of questions, and if she shows up with a ton of stuff like she’s never leaving they will catch on. Plus if there’s never any evidence of her, leaving the country, they may come looking for her.

[tattoobunnie]

You've never met her, but already assumed she's a giant child and a burden? That's sad.  She made your girlfriend the woman she is, so I guarantee she's probably fricken awesome, and you'd be lucky to have her as a MIL.  And, I am not sure why you can't share your hesitations on the situation.  You bought a house with her.  Speak your mind.

Either way, you don't just become come to the US and stay.  There's a lot you need to do, also with a ton of money to sponsor someone.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

, she’s paying 80% of our mortgage until I’m done with school so she has the advantage here.

Yes unfortunately she does. The mother is visiting one way or the other, so you'll have to see what happens. Your GF can sponsor her as far as whether the mother decides to stay or not. It's no bearing on you. It's the GFs headache if the mother decides to stay, your only headache is that she'll be staying in the house. 

[JDMxTeGrA101]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Border officials will also have lots of questions, and if she shows up with a ton of stuff like she’s never leaving they will catch on. Plus if there’s never any evidence of her, leaving the country, they may come looking for her.

She’s applying for a green card once she gets here so there’s that 

[Seraphim]

Just now, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

She’s applying for a green card once she gets here so there’s that 

The thing is, there’s things you have to do before you leave and things that you do when you get there. People can’t just go to another country and think that they are going to do all their documentation there. It doesn’t work like that.

While I am not American, my country too has regulations on legal immigration, it takes a while and very costly. 

[Coily]

Legally this is called an "adjustment of Status" once within the US. I would heavily encourage you and your GF to discuss this in depth now. US Dept of Homeland Security has pages on this, as does the US State Dept. If she is bringing more than a suitcase through her port of entry, this will flag her.

And no, there isn't just her at your house that is a potential headache, if done poorly this immigration status change could have you looked into as well. These checks can be invasive if the application is done incorrectly. Now as it's not for employment, that makes things a little smoother, but it's a process.

[Seraphim]

It costs approximately $16,000 for a single person to immigrate here and there are various programs that can take 6 months to almost 5 years to become a permanent resident. After that you can apply for citizenship if you wish. 

[JDMxTeGrA101]

4 minutes ago, Coily said:

Legally this is called an "adjustment of Status" once within the US. I would heavily encourage you and your GF to discuss this in depth now. US Dept of Homeland Security has pages on this, as does the US State Dept. If she is bringing more than a suitcase through her port of entry, this will flag her.

And no, there isn't just her at your house that is a potential headache, if done poorly this immigration status change could have you looked into as well. These checks can be invasive if the application is done incorrectly. Now as it's not for employment, that makes things a little smoother, but it's a process.

This is what I found 

How to Bring Your Parent to the United States

Now that you have achieved your path to U.S. citizenship, you might be feeling like there’s something missing.

Even if your parents are able to receive a tourist visa, they are only allowed to stay in the United States for a maximum of six months at a time. If that option is not favorable for you, there are ways in which your parents can become green card holders and be permanent residents of the United States. The following takes a look at the different ways you can bring your parents to live with you in America.

How to Apply for a Parents Green Card

A green card will allow your parents to move with you to the United States and settle there permanently

[Seraphim]

It is probably still a process. I have a friend here who hasn’t been able to get residency in four years despite being married to her wife who is a citizen. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

She’s applying for a green card once she gets here so there’s that 

Correct. It's your GFs issue to obtain permanent residency. However that's not the problem. It's a process but your GF is already taking steps toward it.

The problem is you don't want the mother living with you. So you may have to compromise. For example is there anything you can do to the house so the mother has a more separate apt-like  living situation? 

This way if the mother does decide to stay and your GF wants her living there, it won't be as disruptive?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

I was hoping she would only stay here for 6 months but she's actually having her move in with us. I hinted to her that I didn't want her moving in right away

Did she even discuss this with you, or did she simply tell you that Mom is moving in?

And why are you "hinting" at anything? What is the reason you weren't direct in telling her that this makes you uncomfortable? 

I sense there are some big communication gaps between you two. 

[JDMxTeGrA101]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Correct. It's your GFs issue to obtain permanent residency. However that's not the problem. It's a process but your GF is already taking steps toward it.

The problem is you don't want the mother living with you. So you may have to compromise. For example is there anything you can do to the house so the mother has a more separate apt-like  living situation? 

This way if the mother does decide to stay and your GF wants her living there, it won't be as disruptive?

The good thing is our master bedroom is upstairs and so is the living room. The empty room she will be occupying is downstairs but next to my office room and the kitchen is upstairs. The other good thing is we have a living room downstairs with a tv and another living room upstairs with a tv also

[itsallgrand]

I'd be out of there so fast you wouldn't see me.

It's not a partnership if it's gf and her family deciding rather than you and gf. 

 

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I'd be out of there so fast you wouldn't see me.

It's not a partnership if it's gf and her family deciding rather than you and gf. 

 

Yep, we did multi generational living for 15 years with totally separate parts of the house, not for the faint of heart believe me. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

 The empty room she will be occupying is downstairs.

So basically you two will live upstairs and the mother would potentially live downstairs? Does your GF know you're not happy about the mother moving in?

[itsallgrand]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Yep, we did multi generational living for 15 years with totally separate parts of the house, not for the faint of heart believe me. 

Yeah it's one thing if both equally are on board with it. It's another to be told.

We have already agreed we would be willing to take in my SOs dad if he ever needs or wants it. But that's because I have a strong relationship with him already, he'd never ask for it unless it was truly necessary (end of life, serious illness). So it would not put me out at all, I'd be honored to be there in that situation.