I 28F fear my friend 29M visitinge from abroad is expecting intimacy

[Smartcoukie]

I (28 f) met my friend (29 M) on a solotrip last year to a tropical country short after fleeing an abusive rel 2 months before the wedding. Friend n I met since day1 n we spent most of the trip together with his sister n he he helped me with lits of things I felt early on his attraction to me n brushed it off ( low self-esteem) one night we both got tipsy in the absence of his sister, I fell asleep n woke up to him touching me. he did it again though I said no I got up n lectured him abt consent n he was very apologetic n didn't try again. 2 days later I was tipsy n don't remember how but we went to 3rd base but consentually this time tho I didn't enjoy it. I also felt his jealousy tho he hid it when I met n him out with other people tho I invited him everywhere. He was kinda right tho cause one of these guys ended up coming onto me. last day of the trip we had a lovely conversation n had a simple goodbye kiss. We kept in touch eversince regularly n talked on the phone but it as purely friendly expect a few times telling me he's impressed how smart n cultivated I am n once that I'm very sexy. We were planning since the start to meet again this year mainly me visiting him in Europe( he's a native MEast/ european) but I couldn't due to visa n financial issues, he suggested meeting me in a country near mine later this year cause I told him I'm going there to visit a relative, a week ago he told me he's planning to visit my country next week for a few days since he was attending a wedding in a country nearby. Mind you he'd just gone back from a long vacation.. I was a bit surprised for the short notice but very excited to meet again nd be a tourist in my own country having had the worst year in my life so far n barely leaving the house. I helped him book 2 days in a hotel in my town then booked 2 days in a BNB in a  nearby coastal town. We booked a triple bed room n it was my suggestion cause I can't afford to book my own n can't dare to have him pay for mine. Despite my excitement I can't help being concerned he's gonna come on to me n expect similar things to happen like last year. I've serious issues with boundaries n confrontation with a PTSD from previous SA n never had actual $eggs n don't want to have it anytime soon. However I fear I'm gonna give in to it even if i know I'm gonna dread for the before mentioned reason plus not being attracted to him. What should I do? n how to act ? knowin I actually appreciate him as a friend n his kindness towards me.

[LootieTootie]

If you only like him as friend, make sure you don't drink around him and please tell him what your boundaries are with friends. No touching, no kissing and no making moves.

However, I think you should bail out on this guy even if he's been kind to you. I think he has ulterior motives to have sex with you and thats why he is nice to you. He tried to take advantage of you while you were passed out. That's a pervert, a creeper, a criminal, and someone who has no self-control.

 

[Smartcoukie]

@LootieTootie thank you so much for your kind and nonjudgmental response. The last part of it is completely true but I have such complexe issues that the first suggestion would be the best I can do even if it's very hard for me to do. I'm having to work through years of abuse and very low self-esteem that resulted in me dreading any sexual relationship even if I initiated it or was consenting at first. Mostly wanting affection n just foreplay at most.. to the point that I think I'm asexual but also maybe it's due to several attempts and actual incidents of SA.

Thank you again for your response and hopefully I'll commemt again with a positive update 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Smartcoukie said:

, I fell asleep n woke up to him touching me. he did it again though I said no  . I helped him book 2 days in a hotel in my town. never had actual $eggs n don't want to have it anytime soon. 

Unfortunately he seems very creepy and disrespectful. Why are you booking and staying in hotels with him?  You claim you were sexually assaulted and claim you never had sex and don't want to. So why are you meeting a guy who sexually assaulted you and staying in a hotel with him for sex?

 

[Smartcoukie]

@Wiseman2

Please be kinder to me. The " you claim to be" part is very hurtful since I'm actually in deep Trauma and guilt actually gaslighting myself into not believing myself. Please understand that years of low self-esteem,SA and parental abuse coupled with depression can result in behaviors that actually do more harm than good. I am fully aware yet very crippled. 

I believe I am not strong enough for confrontation so at least I will guarantee my safety by blocking him amd ending all contact 

[Wiseman2]

No one is trying to be "unkind" or doubt you.  However I question the wisdom of staying with this man on vacation given the background you described.  Perhaps focus on healing and therapy before dating in general or putting yourself in positions like this in particular. 

[Smartcoukie]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

No one is trying to be "unkind" or doubt you.  However I question the wisdom of staying with this man on vacation given the background you described.  Perhaps focus on healing and therapy before dating in general or putting yourself in positions like this in particular. 

Thank you for your response, as implied or explained by my last comment to you, that's exactly the problem: I am fully aware it's not a wise decision at all. Maybe finally getting this off my chest and having other objective people say it to me alleviates a bit of my denial and validates my fears n therefore helping me take the right action

[catfeeder]

I would cancel the trip. Nothing good can come from it. Use whatever excuse you feel a need to use, or none at all.

Part of developing self esteem is looking out for yourself instead of viewing yourself at the mercy of anyone else’s lousy judgment.

There’s a difference between being kind versus being manipulative. A truly kind person doesn’t view their behavior as transactional or as requiring repayment. Only manipulative, opportunistic people would imply that.

Head high, and move your focus onto pride in your resilience and your ability to overcome an uncomfortable situation without positioning yourself in danger. You may not ‘like’ canceling, but once you accomplish it, you’ll thank yourself and you will feel liberated.

 

[Smartcoukie]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Part of developing self esteem is looking out for yourself instead of viewing yourself at the mercy of anyone else’s lousy judgment.

This part is brilliantly put out and hits hard because I finally have the words to describe it. You're 100% true. I will decide tomorrow wether to message him to cancel or if I'm too anxious to do that and just resort to blocking him from everywhere since thankfully he has no idea about where I live.

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 hours ago, Smartcoukie said:

I'm having to work through years of abuse and very low self-esteem that resulted in me dreading any sexual relationship even if I initiated it or was consenting at first.

That’s fine so long as you’re not inferring that had you had no sexual trauma history, this guys behavior wouldn’t seem so bad to you? It almost sort of sounds like you’re saying it’s your fault you’re reacting this way, and he’s done nothing wrong 

he’s behavior would still be considered  highly concerning even if he made moves on the most sexually opened woman in existence 

him touching you while unconscious? Yikes.  That’s scary.  I would not want my sister, or any woman I cared about, to be near this person. However, if you insist on seeing him, I’d encourage you to tell him you view him only as a friend and will not be sleeping with him, and tell him this before he gets there, before anymore arrangements are made. 
 

id imagine it’s all probably a little confusing to him, too, though. Youve engaged with him sexually already, let him make non-platonic remarks, and are booking a hotel to visit with him. Aside from the fact he doesn’t seem to be the type to respect boundaries, even if you had made any known, they are unclear. So if you must go (and I hope you don’t), make them clear. 

[catfeeder]

14 minutes ago, Smartcoukie said:

This part is brilliantly put out and hits hard because I finally have the words to describe it. You're 100% true. I will decide tomorrow wether to message him to cancel or if I'm too anxious to do that and just resort to blocking him from everywhere since thankfully he has no idea about where I live.

If you send a simple message that says, "I need to cancel." You can block after that without feeling squirmy about how long it takes him to figure out that you're canceling. You'll feel relieved, instead.

Just type the words, hit send, and you won't have to give it any more thought. Wouldn't that feel great?

Sometimes taking on a bit of minor discomfort can bring major rewards.

[catfeeder]

4 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

if you insist on seeing him, I’d encourage you to tell him you view him only as a friend and will not be sleeping with him, and tell him this before he gets there, before anymore arrangements are made. 
 

The problem with this is, he could just say okay, and then drug you.

[NighttimeNightmare]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

The problem with this is, he could just say okay, and then drug you.

Yep, none of this is safe. Hopefully she reconsiders going.  He’s already touched her while she was unconscious 

 

the next time it happened she says she was “tipsy,” and did more but doesn’t say if he was equally as intoxicated.  I’m thinking he wasn’t, and was once again more than happy to take advantage of her. 

 

I don’t want to see this story on dateline 

[Smartcoukie]

9 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

fault you’re reacting this way, and he’s done nothing wrong 

he’s behavior would still be considered  highly concerning even if he made moves on the most sexually opened woman in existence

I'm sorry if it sounded like such behavior would be alright in case and towards any non consenting human being. I 10000% believe that and fiercely defend it. However I have been conditioned to take the blame for putting myself into said situation therefore being partly responsible for it by being there and letting myself get close to him or being spontaneous around him. Even when it happened " mind you I'm not even sure what 3rd base is but I wouldn't even let him take my clothes off and just tried to zone out the entire time. This is a completely eff up situation I'm fully aware. I have no excuse but distorted beliefs and despising yourself combined with being completely socially alone having finally survived depression. It really messes with your head as I juat need a friend and aomeone to simply go to places or have a conversation with

 

[Smartcoukie]

23 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Just type the words, hit send, and you won't have to give it any more thought. Wouldn't that feel great?

Sometimes taking on a bit of minor discomfort can bring major rewards.

This is very helpful thank you 🙏 I will just sleep off the anxiety for a few hours because I have to convince myself that messaging him to cancel would trigger a bad response that might lead to revenge or him hurting me.. I know it seems bizarre since I won't be meeting him, but having been blackmailed by my ex fiance threatening to send videos of me to my mother if I didn't get back together or send him money... I'm literally scared to this day 1.5 years later..

[NighttimeNightmare]

17 minutes ago, Smartcoukie said:

However I have been conditioned to take the blame for putting myself into said situation therefore being partly responsible for it by being there and letting myself get close to him or being spontaneous around him.

Mmm well… how do I explain this?

 

so you are never responsible for someone else’s actions, that’s always solely on that person. Thus it’s not your fault when someone behaves poorly towards you. None of the abuse you suffered is your fault, it’s rather the choice of the abuser.  However, it is your responsibility to look out for yourself and as someone else said earlier: move away from viewing yourself as being at the mercy of another persons lousy judgement. 
 

in other words, learn what dangerous situations look like, and stay out of them, proceed with caution, and check in with yourself. That’s all within your control and it’s being a good steward of “self.”  Not putting your well-being in the hands of people who have proven dangerous is your responsibility to discern. 
 

but regardless of how good you get at protecting, or not protecting yourself, there will always be predators out there who are more than willing to abuse you. If they do, it’s never your fault, and you aren’t responsible for their abuse.  Your responsibility lies in doing the best you can do for you. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

7 minutes ago, Smartcoukie said:

This is very helpful thank you 🙏 I will just sleep off the anxiety for a few hours because I have to convince myself that messaging him to cancel would trigger a bad response that might lead to revenge or him hurting me.. I know it seems bizarre since I won't be meeting him, but having been blackmailed by my ex fiance threatening to send videos of me to my mother if I didn't get back together or send him money... I'm literally scared to this day 1.5 years later..

It’s not bizarre, you were abused and now you’re traumatized.  It makes sense on that front, and also on the front that he’s already shown he’s willing to hurt you  

 

i think that people who suffer these types of abuses have never learned how to stand up for themselves in crucial ways. And certainly don’t seem to know how to trust themselves in navigating the fallout that their abusers cause.  So, again, not bizarre and it makes sense that you would be completely apprehensive in putting a boundary up with this guy and then doing everything in your power to avoid a potentially bad situation that could involve a fallout you can’t cope with. 
 

are you seeing a trauma specialist by any chance? EMDR may be really good tool to aid in your recovery. 

[Smartcoukie]

1 minute ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

It’s not bizarre, you were abused and now you’re traumatized.  It makes sense on that front, and also on the front that he’s already shown he’s willing to hurt you  

 

i think that people who suffer these types of abuses have never learned how to stand up for themselves in crucial ways. And certainly don’t seem to know how to trust themselves in navigating the fallout that their abusers cause.  So, again, not bizarre and it makes sense that you would be completely apprehensive in putting a boundary up with this guy and then doing everything in your power to avoid a potentially bad situation that could involve a fallout you can’t cope with. 
 

are you seeing a trauma specialist by any chance? EMDR may be really good tool to aid in your recovery. 

I can't thank you enough for your comprehensive and well thought out replies. It's really enlightening to understand how my behavior has developed and actually understand and put words to what I keep doing over n over.

As for a trauma specialist I'm afraid we don't have that in my country here as mental health aside from actual psychiatry is still underdeveloped. I've only started traditional therapy with a therapist a month ago and my third appointment is in a few days. I will make sure to bring this up even though we've just started so I haven't even brought up anything related to relationships history yet.

I'd like to add a little detail that might be important: I'm a recently graduated family doctor who's diagnosed with unipolar depression which is a kind of bipolar disorder involving only depression episodes not followed by manic or hypomanic episodes. Therapy aside from medication is a breakthrough for me and I'm proud to have finally taken this step after 5 years of medication for depression 

[Smartcoukie]

Update!!

I haven't slept all night then managed to send the dreaded message. I cancelled and also wrote an in depth message explaining how wrong his behavior was and how I'm uncomfortable with being near him anymore. I really can't thank you enough to everyone who replied because you gave such important input. I keep reading your replies over and over again. I hope that this would be the instigator of me taking a stand for myself from now on 

[Kwothe28]

I am going to be a bit critical and hope I dont get taken the wrong way. You dont practice your boundaries. Guy tries to take advantage of you and you put him through a lesson. Only to be tipsy and get to 3rd base next day. And kiss him goodbye at the end of trip. Only to keep contact with him for a whole year. And when he organizes to see you, you are afraid to be taken advantage, cancel the whole thing and give him another lesson. See how all that is confusing?

You are 28 years old, not 18. You need to already know the line in the sand. If a guy tries to take advantage of you, you run away. Not get tipsy with him day later and allow him to take advantage of you. Yes, the guy who touched your vagina(hoping that is still a 3rd base today and not something more) will likely expect intimacy from you. He isnt coming to go sightseeing.

Continue your therapy. And practice your boundaries next time you meet somebody. That means that they should know they shouldnt expect sex or intimacy because your "triggers". And that you should act in that way.

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, Smartcoukie said:

Despite my excitement I can't help being concerned he's gonna come on to me n expect similar things to happen like last year. I've serious issues with boundaries n confrontation with a PTSD from previous SA n never had actual $eggs n don't want to have it anytime soon. However I fear I'm gonna give in to it even if i know I'm gonna dread for the before mentioned reason plus not being attracted to him. What should I do? n how to act ? knowin I actually appreciate him as a friend n his kindness towards me.

Ahh yeah, I'd suspect he will hit on you... Maybe you should inform him to expect NOTHING while visiting you?

He's male and you've gone there before.. ( not a friend you went to school with that you haven't seen in 10 yrs).  

IF this is too much, you need to face it all. ( But I'm confused, what is it you want here?).

[MissCanuck]

I am glad you canceled this trip, OP. 

Nothing good was going to come of it, and it's a great opportunity to practice using your own voice and protecting yourself. 

Have you also blocked him? 

[Tinydance]

It does sound from your posts that you have low self esteem. You said you're worried you wouldn't be able to say no to this guy. You don't actually have to kiss anyone or have sex with anyone if you don't want to.

I must say though that I don't really understand your motives to continue talking to this guy. Do you not have many friends? I mean, this guy actually lives in another country. So even for friendship, it's not like you can hang out together, or at least very rarely. Also,  you very clearly know that he didn't just want to be friends. In the very least he wanted sex. It's creepy to touch someone sexually who is sleeping or passed out. I think if you weren't actually into that guy then that was the point where you should have stopped hanging out or communicating with him.

I have a lot of friends so if I just met a guy who wants to have sex and I don't want to, I wouldn't really bother to keep in touch. I have some male friends but they don't try to have sex with me. So I can just be friends with them and I don't need a male "friend" who has other agenda.

I'm not saying that you actually have to have sex with him but I think there was no point booking the same Air b n B together. I think that was giving him the impression you'd have sex because you're actually staying in the same place. 

I don't really see why you need this guy at all. Unless you're lonely or not meeting other guys for dating? If you want to catch up with people or go on a trip then why don't you just go with your friends or family?