Girl Feeling Overwhelmed - Am I Being Rejected?

[James90]

Girl says she feels overwhelmed, is moving house at the moment and also doesn't feel sure about meeting up.

I know I need to give her space, but do I just call it quits? I'm not sure if she's just struggling to tell me she doesn't want to pursue this any further or whether I should take it at face value.
 

I keep trying to give her space but then she seems to keep messaging me and and getting concerned I'm 'mad and not responding. But then her messages seem to aim more and more towards pushing me away.

Earlier in the day she starts off by saying: 

'I think it’s just with moving I’m just like not thinking haha talking to you was a nice escape but I need to pack and get ready to go and I’ve not even thought about being alone hahaha hope you’re having a good day today x'

'Don’t hate me, just give me a minute to re fresh my mind 😭😇'

I respond nicely and she then says later that day:
 

'You’re actually the best person I’ve ever spoken too, you’re so sweet and a little mean but you really make me feel good about everything xx'

'I’d still like to talk it might just take me a minute to maybe meet you, I may come across confident but I’ve not met anyone in a while so I’m too anxious 😭😂 embarrassing I know, imagine that mixed the emotions of moving alone for the first time 😭 that’s why I know you can forgive me 🤔 x'

'I just meant I know you said you don’t focus on more than one person, so if you can’t focus on me while I’m figuring stuff out don’t feel bad for me 🫶 x'

 

I said I'm essentially happy to give her some space and said she really doesn't need to worry or apologise.

 

later in the evening she says

 Shes gone in on herself and is feeling overwhelmed. Yesterday she woke up and wasn't sure what she wanted and she felt the pressure of having to meet someone new and everything got too much 

She says she doesn't know what's going to happen she thinks she's just overstressed herself she wants to keep speaking to me but doesn't think she's ready to meet me and doesn't know long that might take 

I've been really understanding and she appreciates it 

she says she doesn't know what's going to happen she thinks she's just over stressing herself. She says she's not spoken to anyone in ages (dating) but when she feels overwhelmed she cuts people off but is trying to stop doing that because she enjoys talking to me. But she wants to make sure I don't feel bad if I talk to other people because she can't make me wait ages if she's not feeling ready. But she's enjoyed our back and forth talking. And even if it was friends out of it or more or whatever she would like that. Because she doesn't want me to wait ages if she's not feeling ready. 

In the end she doesn't want me to hate her because we've spoken really nicely over the last few days and I seem like a really nice genuine person. She feels she can be open and honest with someone (me) for the first time has felt comfortable to do that

She ended by saying:

'Long voice note sorry, just trying to explain how I’m feeling, not the type to just be horrible and not explain especially as you deserve better 🫶'

 

It seems she unravels more each time, and Is becoming more and more honest.

She's thrown in the friends point and that I deserve better. It doesn't look promising from my point of view. So I've just thought give her space and move on. If she messages me be polite and indifferent.

From a rejection stand point it's been quite confusing.

I felt instantly that this was a rejection and I should walk away.

But then she's said some pretty nice things and doesn't seem to want me completely out of the picture... and seems to try to pull me back in. But then says she doesn't want me to hate her so I wonder if it's just that and she's just trying to soften the blow because she feels bad.
 

Is she just afraid of upsetting me or does she still want me around? Can I take this at face value? 

Personally, I don't think it's going to be healthy for me to just hang around until she's ready.
 

 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, James90 said:

Is she just afraid of upsetting me or does she still want me around?

Does it matter? 

She is a headcase who's wasting your time. If you're hoping to date someone, this woman isn't it. Don't bother being her penpal/therapist that she emotionally dumps on. 

I would wish her the best and cut contact. She's exhausting and kind of annoying. 

[spinstermanquee]

If someone tells you they aren't good enough for you, please listen to them and behave accordingly, unless you want to be their savior/martyr etc.

[Kwothe28]

"Time wasters". She doesnt want to date you otherwise she would very gladly meet you and be with you. But she still wants you there to "fill her ego". Hence why she keeps you there.

Dont pay attention to her excuses like "Oh if you cant pay attention to me, just dont". Its just an excuse. Because tomorrow when you say "Hey, I did focus on you on hopes something would happen and now you dont want to date me", she can say "Yeah, I told you not to do that". She clearly likes your attention. But she wont be with you in a million years.

Stop contacting her and focus on somebody who would trully want to date you. And not just keeping you there for attention seeking.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, James90 said:

you deserve better

Assume you are being rejected as a relationship partner (not necessarily as a friend).

[lostandhurt]

Been down this road before.

 What I did was kept talking (texting) with her while I pursued other women.  It only took seconds out of my day and once I took the pressure off myself to meet her it was not that big of a deal.

 In the end I just sent her a text "I know you have a lot on your plate right now so when things calm down for you let me know and we can meet for a drink and get to know each other better"  This took it all off me and put it all on her which was good for me.  In the end she ended up being one of those women that was like trying to walk up to a deer.  If you walk up quickly they bolt but if you take your time and let them come to you it can be amazing.

 After a short time of her checking in with me once in a while she texted me out of the blue and wanted to meet.  We did and it went very good. 

 It doesn't matter what she is, it matters what you are and what you do about the situation.  If you keep hanging on like she is your only hope for a date then it will be very bad for you but if you put the ball in her court and go play elsewhere you stop using up mental real estate on her and get back to your goal.

 Lost

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, James90 said:

  she felt the pressure of having to meet someone new and everything got too much 

How long have you been talking? You've never met in person?

Please delete and block her. Anyone who won't meet in a timely fashion, especially with a chronic laundry list of excuses, crises,etc. is a red flag. It's possible she's just a scammer setting the table. 

[smackie9]

As soon as they say you deserve better, that's flat out "I'm not interested". Ditch them.

[shouldhavelearned]

Move on to the next one

[rainbowsandroses]

OP, agree with others but wondering - what's the appeal here?  

She's animal crackers and you've never even met her.

Could it be your interest is being fueled by the fact she IS unavailable to you?

She mentioned in one of her texts you don't date one woman at a time; my advice would be continue on that path until you find a woman who's a bit more stable and available.

[James90]

I deleted her number and removed her as a match 

I thought she might be being honest but it seems I've been a fool again

I just find it hard to understand why people can't be honest, especially over text 🤷‍♂️

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, James90 said:

I deleted her number and removed her as a match  

Good call. Sadly there are weird people out there. Catfish, scammers, timewasters,etc 

All you can do is cut your losses sooner, like in this case where they're too busy to meet in a timely manner. 

[James90]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OP, agree with others but wondering - what's the appeal here?  

She's animal crackers and you've never even met her.

Could it be your interest is being fueled by the fact she IS unavailable to you?

 

We had escalated things quite quickly and would talk for hours at night 

We had really good banter and we seemed to have really good chemistry, she had opened up to be about some things and kept saying she loves talking to me, it seemed things were going in the right direction

i felt myself beginning to like her a lot, though I never admitted this...   Every time I seem to genuinely like someone,  it never works out for me. It feels like a curse and I feel like I can't allow myself to do this.
don't get me wrong I know I'm probably a bit too nice but Im funny and I try to keep things interesting and am not too needy. I feel as if there's something fundamentally wrong with me as a man. 

I wonder if my behaviour is related to an anxious attachment style or ADHD. 
I also don't deal well with rejection well, as you might be able to tell. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, James90 said:

Every time I seem to genuinely like someone,  it never works out for me.

What about women you meet or chat with who you DONT genuinely like all that much?

Do they seem to like you, want to meet you etc?

If so, then compare how you act with women you DO like with women who you DONT like.

What are the differences in your behavior with each?

I'll wait for your answer before responding further. 

[James90]

I suppose you're right, there are women I'm not interested in who would like to get to know me. 
 

My differences in behaviour are probably

I am in contact with them frequently vs not very often or not at all

I flirt with them and I don't flirt with the others 

I am interested in their lives and I'm not interested in the others 

 

the thing for me is I wouldn't invest my time in someone or lead them on if I didn't like them - so I feel as if I shouldn't be liking people too much unless I get to know these people better. But if I tend to see multiple things I like about someone I start to get infatuated and even though I try to stop myself, this always seems to happen and ends the same way every time. I try to hide it but I suppose it's still glaringly obvious. 

[rainbowsandroses]

31 minutes ago, James90 said:

But if I tend to see multiple things I like about someone I start to get infatuated and even though I try to stop myself, this always seems to happen and ends the same way every time. I try to hide it but I suppose it's still glaringly obvious. 

Somehow you need to learn to control your behavior with women you do like and become infatuated with. 

You DO have full control of this, it's mind over matter.  Combined with knowing if you don't, it most likely won't work out.

I wouldn't suggest you treat them like the women you don't like - ignoring, acting dismissive or never flirting.

Learn to balance it.  Act interested but not too much, flirt but not too much, learn when to back off and when to come forward.

It really is a balancing act but once you've learned it, it will make dating a lot more fun and successful for you.

Again, you do have full control of this unless there is some sort of mental issue preventing it and in that case, would you consider seeking therapy to determine why and help resolve?

 

 

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, James90 said:

We had escalated things quite quickly and would talk for hours at night

But you had never met in person, right?

Don't let it get to that point next time. If someone isn't available to meet promptly, don't become their chat-buddy. Nix the hours of texting. It creates a sense of false intimacy (and thus, unrealistic expectations) when you have never even met. 

[James90]

Thank you both for the advice. Yes I think I do need to address a problem I have with getting attached early and possibly my attachment style. I seem to get obsessed easily. I think I worry that I'm not good enough for someone who I actually like and thus suffer from low self esteem. I'm a decent person with a lot to offer a potential partner, so I need to be more sure of myself.  I need to teach myself how to regulate my emotions better.

 

But I think @MissCanuck nailed it perfectly: Don't let it get to that point next time. If someone isn't available to meet promptly, don't become their chat buddy. Nix the hours of texting. It creates a sense of false intimacy (and thus, unrealistic expectations) when you have never even met. 

 

Update: She is still really craving my attention. She's double texting me when I don't respond and spamming me pictures of her. I suppose to entice me in and keep me on the hook. 
I haven't responded and am already feeling ready to move on.
 

I have a date with another girl lined up now instead. But I'm keen not to make the same mistakes again. 
 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, James90 said:

Update: She is still really craving my attention. She's double texting me when I don't respond and spamming me pictures of her. I suppose to entice me in and keep me on the hook. 
I haven't responded.

Tell her that since she doesn't want to meet up, you don't wish to remain in contact. 

She's just looking for you to stroke her ego until she meets a guy she does want to meet in person. Don't make the mistake of letting her use you until then. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, James90 said:

. She's double texting me when I don't respond and spamming me pictures of her. I suppose to entice me in and keep me on the hook. I have a date with another girl lined up now instead. 

Great you have a date lined up. Please delete and block the timewaster who's spamming you with click bait.

[smackie9]

When they start to do the emotional dump on you (opening up to you) that's friends zoning. Some look at emotional dumping as a part of intimacy...it's not. You have a better chance when they are being flirty/fun and ask questions about you. 

[James90]

She hasn't contacted me again. I'll never trust someone early on in dating again. No matter how open they seem and how well I feel I'm getting along with them. 
 

if anyone is dealing with similar issues to myself I've bought a couple of books which im going to read which may help me with my anxious attachment style. 
 

first book is called 'Attachment' - are you anxious, avoidant or secure?

 

second book is called 'How to do the Work' 

 

cheers

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

Even if she contacted you again, it doesn't change anything other than maybe boosting your ego a bit. She would still be wasting your time. 

1 minute ago, James90 said:

I'll never trust someone early on in dating again

You shouldn't trust someone you have never met in person, no. Trust takes time and there is no way it can be established without spending ample time togeter in person. It's not fun, but let this be a lesson not to get wrapped up in too much messaging when you don't even know the person. Texting isn't dating. 

In the future, exchange a few messages sure - but scale it way back, and don't keep it going when the other person isn't able or willing to meet.

[Batya33]

On 8/2/2023 at 5:11 AM, James90 said:

I'll never trust someone early on in dating again. No matter how open they seem and how well I feel I'm getting along with them. 

I would trust a person you're getting to know in the dating context to show up for a time and place plan for a date or a first meet.  And in general to be the person depicted in the photo if there was a photo, to be generally honest about what they said  they did for a job, etc.  I met one pathological liar -who two of my other friends met as well through the same site - in the over 100 men i met in person -I mean maybe there were other men who lied who I actually ended up meeting once but since it was once I wouldn't really know.

I don't think you have to delve into "styles" - unless you enjoy reading those sorts of books generally.  I think it's normal to get attached through typing and talking to a stranger on a dating site.  Which is why I never "dated online" -I met ASAP in person and exchanged a few messages and one phone call.  That way I kept my perspective and the style  I was concerned about was what to wear for the first meet.