Drama between my boyfriend and my Mom...

[Cynder]

I'm going to try to keep this as simple as I can but there are a lot of details to consider in what lead up to this and what has happened since. 

I work at festivals.  I am also visually impaired and can't drive.  I had to set up at a festival last night and the employee who was supposed to help me had a medical emergency.  So, my Mom ended up bringing me to the venue and helping me unload everything.  My boyfriend then showed up unexpectedly with his sister and offered to help. 

So we all got to work.  My Mom said since I had help she was going to take off.  That was fine because she worked all day and she was doing me a favor.  But, all my luggage was still in her car because she thought she would be taking me to my AirBnB house when we were done.  So, all my stuff had to be transferred from her car to BF's car.  This venue is huge, lots of places to park all around it. 

So, BF and I worked on the booth while his sister went with my Mom to show her where they parked so they could transfer my stuff. 

Twenty minutes later his sister comes back sobbing and freaking out because my Mom went off on her because she couldn't find the car.

I apologized profusely for my Mom's behavior.  I didn't see what happened, but my Mom is not always a nice person.  So it was believable.  Sister went to the bathroom to collect herself.  While she was gone, BF and I were talking.  He said he should have gone to show my Mom where they parked because his sister is kind of an airhead.  Those were his words.  He said he loves her but she's not the brightest bulb and he should have known better. 

Later on he told me he was going to message my Mom on Facebook and tell her he wasn't happy about the situation.  He voice texted it so I heard the whole message.  He basically said, "I have a boundary I'm going to lay down with you.  I don't appreciate the way you treated my sister when she was trying to help you. She has anxiety and you really upset her.  I've seen the way you treat your daughter too, and it's BS.  You really should think about treating people better." 

When he was done he told me if she brings it up to me, he wants to know and he wants to know what she said. 

Well, in all that confusion, my Mom forgot to put my laptop in my BFs car.  And I need my laptop when I travel because it's how I charge everything, etc.  My BF said he would bring me a phone charger this morning.  That way at least I would have something.  Without my phone I can't do card sales, CashApp, Venmo, etc.  So, when my BF was literally around the corner from my house (saying my house because I don't feel like typing Airbnb every time) my Mom pulled in to give my my laptop.  I didn't even know she was coming to bring it.  So her and BF were there at the same time. BF was on his way to work so he just pulled up, gave me the charger, we kissed and told each other to have a good day, etc.  And he left.  He never even got out of his car.

Well, I was going to take an Uber to the venue, but my Mom offered to give me a ride since she was there anyway. 

And the whole way there all she did was badmouth my BF.  She said the car was right across the street, and that his sister got them lost when all she had to do was cross the street.  She also said she apologized to his sister for being snippy with her.  She said she tried to call my BF and he answered the phone and said, "Hey, I don't like talking on the phone when I drive. Sorry, Bye." 

She called him a liar and a douchebag because of that alone.  I asked her if we could stop talking about ti because I don't want to be in the middle.  But she just went on with the name calling. 

I eventually started getting emotional because all I can think is "He wants to know what she said.  And if I don't tell him all this I'm lying to him by omission."  I have OCD.  I have some very irrational ideas about lying.  So I don't want to sit there and tell him all the bad things she said.  But I also don't want to face the thoughts about lying and feeling guilty either.  This just seemed like a huge lose lose situation for me. 

So I said, again, this time trying not to cry, "Can you stop please?  I don't want to hear anymore about it." 

And she was like, "Oh for f's sake, stop with the f'ing crying."  This is how I was raised...  And I am literally about to walk into a festival where I have to work 11 hours.  I had like 3 hours of sleep.  It was 95 degrees outside.  I was already feeling so done and the day hadn't even started. 

I hate that this happened and that I'm in the middle.  Up until recently my Mom really liked my BF and he was really honored that she did.  He was always respectful to her when they interacted.  I still think last night he was respectful.  His message was pretty diplomatic even though he was upset. 

So does anyone have any thoughts on this?  I don't want to take sides.  I don't want to repeat what my Mom said, etc. I just wish this wouldn't have happened.  

So this morning she brought it up to my AirBnB house. 

[LootieTootie]

20 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I eventually started getting emotional because all I can think is "He wants to know what she said.  And if I don't tell him all this I'm lying to him by omission."  I have OCD.  I have some very irrational ideas about lying.  So I don't want to sit there and tell him all the bad things she said.  But I also don't want to face the thoughts about lying and feeling guilty either.  This just seemed like a huge lose lose situation for me. 

 

If what you mom says about your BF isn't true or accurate, I don't think you need to worry. When you worry about all the untrue things she's saying about him, you're pretty much giving it weight or credence.

If your bf ask you why you didnt tell him or don't tell him, say "because I know you and she doesn't. why should I waste my breath repeating her lies?"

Can I ask you, how old is your mom?

[catfeeder]

I'd volunteer nothing. While the behavior of your mother is off-the-wall horrible, you are not responsible to answer for it.

If asked, I'd tell D that I trust he has everyone's best interests at heart. I'd consider it a personal favor if he would drop this. I never asked to be positioned this way, and I view it as harmful to me.

If pressed, I'd ask if he missed where I said that I view this as harmful to me.

[itsallgrand]

Others may have a different take. I think unless his sister is a child, your bf was way out of line. Personally I would have been pissed in a situation like that if my SO tried that. It doesn't involve him, stay out of it. He was making digs at her too in that message, just poking the bear. Unnecessary. If everyone is grown, people can speak for themselves. And it's your mom, so up to you to chat with her about boundaries.

And you don't have to tell the bf anything just because he says he wants to know. Again, not his business. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

Your mom was very rude and out of order. 

However, your boyfriend also didn't conduct himself maturely. He inserted himself, provoked her, and made it worse. There are far better ways your boyfriend could have handled this and he is part of the problem here. 

I would ask him to stay out of it in the future. He needs to stay in his lane and let you handle these situations. I would not share all the nasty things your mom said about him unless you want this to really blow up. 

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd volunteer nothing. While the behavior of your mother is off-the-wall horrible, you are not responsible to answer for it.

If asked, I'd tell D that I trust he has everyone's best interests at heart. I'd consider it a personal favor if he would drop this. I never asked to be positioned this way, and I view it as harmful to me.

If pressed, I'd ask if he missed where I said that I view this as harmful to me.

I think that's the approach I will take.  I won't say anything and just hope he doesn't ask.  Because if he asks I won't be able to lie.  But I will add that I think he had good intentions, etc.  Because I really think he did. 

For a long time my Mom really liked him, and that was something that meant a lot to him.  His husband's Mom hates him.  So he was really grateful that at least one of his partners' mom likes him. 

One thing my Mom seemed to be stuck on in the car was him not coming to the venue yesterday and helping me at the festival.  Ok, well he had a cleaning job he was contracted to do and he was working all day on that yesterday.  Plus he never said he was going to help me at the festival and I didn't ask him to.  He came to help m,e setup without being asked but Mom was overlooking that. 

I messaged his sister later on Facebook and apologized again.  I was having trouble sleeping because of this that night.  His sister and I get along fine.  In fact she told me if I"m ever doing a show near here again I can stay with her instead of having to rent an AirBnb. 

I do think both of their stories were exaggerated, though.  My Mom probably was rude to her.  But I don't think my Mom completely blew up on her like she was saying.  And the car was probably close.  But I don't think it was right across the street like my Mom said.  I think the truth is somewhere in the middle because it usually is in these situations. 

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Others may have a different take. I think unless his sister is a child, your bf was way out of line. Personally I would have been pissed in a situation like that if my SO tried that. It doesn't involve him, stay out of it. He was making digs at her too in that message, just poking the bear. Unnecessary. If everyone is grown, people can speak for themselves. And it's your mom, so up to you to chat with her about boundaries.

And you don't have to tell the bf anything just because he says he wants to know. Again, not his business. 

 

 

I was upset, but not at anyone.  I was upset at the situation.  I also don't think his message made any digs at my Mom necessarily.  He told her he didn't appreciate what she did and that she should think about treating people better.  Idk, to me a dig is a personal insult.  But maybe I don't understand the meaning of that word. 

I'm hoping he just doesn't ask.  He lets go of things pretty quick.  So hopefully he just won't bring it up again.  Because if he does I'm screwed. 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Cynder said:

...hopefully he just won't bring it up again.  Because if he does I'm screwed. 

You're not screwed if your truth can differentiate between what is inappropriate--even harmful--to ask of someone versus being some rote robot who must spit out toxins if someone presses that button.

Be careful not to dehumanize yourself for the sake of making the irrational sound rational.

[Seraphim]

Saying , “ I am not discussing this any further or getting involved” is not lying it is setting a boundary. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Cynder said:

was upset, but not at anyone.  I was upset at the situation

A situation created by both your mom and your boyfriend. They both have agency in this. 

With respect, I don't see how one can isolate the instigators from the situation. The situation isn't an entity in and of itself, and wouldn't exist without the participation of your mom and your boyfriend. 

[Jibralta]

16 hours ago, Cynder said:

I eventually started getting emotional because all I can think is "He wants to know what she said.  And if I don't tell him all this I'm lying to him by omission."  I have OCD.  I have some very irrational ideas about lying.  So I don't want to sit there and tell him all the bad things she said.  But I also don't want to face the thoughts about lying and feeling guilty either.  This just seemed like a huge lose lose situation for me. 

So I said, again, this time trying not to cry, "Can you stop please?  I don't want to hear anymore about it." 

And she was like, "Oh for f's sake, stop with the f'ing crying."  This is how I was raised...  And I am literally about to walk into a festival where I have to work 11 hours.  I had like 3 hours of sleep.  It was 95 degrees outside.  I was already feeling so done and the day hadn't even started. 

Sorry, I had to laugh a little. I don't mean to make light of any of it. I totally get your position and I sympathize with you. But your situation reminds me of that scene from My Cousin Vinny. Like, how much more sht can be piled on top of this already shtty situation? 

For the record, I don't think you would be lying by omission by not telling your boyfriend about what your mom said. I think you would be keeping the peace, which is a very important and decent thing to do. In fact, if you told your boyfriend about what she said, it would probably prolong the conflict. 

[waffle]

22 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Others may have a different take. I think unless his sister is a child, your bf was way out of line. Personally I would have been pissed in a situation like that if my SO tried that. It doesn't involve him, stay out of it. He was making digs at her too in that message, just poking the bear. Unnecessary. If everyone is grown, people can speak for themselves. And it's your mom, so up to you to chat with her about boundaries.

And you don't have to tell the bf anything just because he says he wants to know. Again, not his business. 

 

 

I second this.

Heck, my mother (when she was alive) makes OP's mother look like Mary Poppins and at no point would I have ever suggested (or allowed) any boyfriend of mine to speak to her in that manner over something that 100% didn't even involve him.  Boyfriend in this case was nothing resembling diplomatic and was in fact quite rude, and I can tell you that fighting rudeness with rudeness is never a good idea and solves nothing.  I'm not sure I blame the mother for thinking he's a douche.

[Cynder]

8 minutes ago, waffle said:

I second this.

Heck, my mother (when she was alive) makes OP's mother look like Mary Poppins and at no point would I have ever suggested (or allowed) any boyfriend of mine to speak to her in that manner over something that 100% didn't even involve him.  Boyfriend in this case was nothing resembling diplomatic and was in fact quite rude, and I can tell you that fighting rudeness with rudeness is never a good idea and solves nothing.  I'm not sure I blame the mother for thinking he's a douche.

I'm not saying anyone was right or defending anyone.  Maybe it's just the environment I was raised in, but to me, basically saying you didn't appreciate someone's behavior and maybe they should treat people better is diplomatic.  Yes, it didn't directly involve him so he could have kept his opinion to himself.  But I just don't think telling someone you don't appreciate what they did is rude.  I guess I'm rude too because if I had a problem with someone that's probably the approach I would take, too. 

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, Cynder said:

I just don't think telling someone you don't appreciate what they did is rude.  I guess I'm rude too because if I had a problem with someone that's probably the approach I would take, too. 

Good! Then you’ll have no trouble telling D, should he ask what your mother said, that you don’t appreciate him positioning you to discuss this any further.

Problem solved.

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, catfeeder said:

Good! Then you’ll have no trouble telling D, should he ask what your mother said, that you don’t appreciate him positioning you to discuss this any further.

Problem solved.

Yep.  I still hope he doesn't ask, though. 

[catfeeder]

Just now, Cynder said:

Yep.  I still hope he doesn't ask, though. 

Me, too. I’m with you on that. If he does, then he is the pot stirrer, and you would be right to insist that he quit that.

[Cynder]

44 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Me, too. I’m with you on that. If he does, then he is the pot stirrer, and you would be right to insist that he quit that.

After the last two days and this complete shtshow of a festival I'm at, I don't think I could handle that conversation on any level right now.  I feel completely defeated and gutted. I am in that mental place now where nothing makes anything better.