I am losing trust in her

[Kartoff]

Bit of summary.

Together for almost three years, known since kids(never close though), we live close but not together, one big discussion and one "break".

I wrote here not long enough. I was having feelings my gf was flirting with her gym coach and felt she was falling of the relationship.

I talked about with her, told me it was all in ny head and that she only text him for classes. Although I knew it was a white lie, I decided to give the relationshio a second chace.

The guy left her gym which made feel better not gonna lie, overall things were improving and I felt we we were getting closer.

But two months ago I have start to feel she grows apart. Sex is again lower than ever, she does not make any plans to be just with me(we spent plenty of time together, but not enought intimacy)

I felt something is off, in my part the lack of intimacy make me feel insecure. Two months ago I saw the gym coach was texting her and a couple of days I saw another one.

I thought that now that she was not going to his classes she would stop contact. It makes me insecure, I do not know the content of those text but as little as I see is clear the guy is "working" her. And I feel she is letting him do it.

I feel powerless. We had a datw yesterday and she felt I was off. I told her I felt her distant and she told me she was stressed with her side job and studies. I want to ask her about the text, but I felt I have no right to ask. I saw the text on glimpses to her phone, so it just dont feel alright.

I do not know what to do. I cant take it from my head but I know I cant ask. Even if I did she will just say why I looked or thst it was a random thing.

Maybe I am insecure but my guts tell me something is off. I am a bit tired of this feeling.

I want the relationship to grow, to live together and be more a couple. But I feel she is not compromising, and not really loving me.

I do not lnow if my feelings are valid. If I shoukd distance myselff or what.

I am lost. I really need a friend to vent but right now I have no one I really can.

I love her, feel grreat with her but I do not feel really loved nor I feel she is compromising. That make me feel really stupid, and I ask myself why I cant just leave her?

I even started going to therapy, got a lot of stuff but my therapist says I am not insecure, but that I do not know what I want.

 

Can you give me any advice?Am I blind by love? Is all in my head?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

we live close but not together, one big discussion and one "break". But two months ago I have start to feel she grows apart. Sex is again lower than ever, she does not make any plans to be just with me

 What are the disagreements about? Do you have the same goals such as marriage, family,etc ? Where do you want to or see this relationship going? 

Are there other stresses such as finances, job pressure, health problems? How long has the sex/intimacy been fading?

Do you think she's cheating or having an emotional affair with her gym coach? 

Do you spend quality time together? Do you live with parents, roommates, have enough privacy?

Is this the same woman?:

 

 

[Kartoff]

- Same woman

- We live with our parents, I got the house free on the weekends. I was planing to rent a flat, but I want to save money. And she would not live with me(because she is studying)

- I wanted to live together, and maybe marriage in the future. We have similar goals

- on my part I do have a lot of stress at my job and some minor health problems. She is stressed with her studies. She also has insecurity issues(dismorphia) which actually make me distrust her a bit, as I know she loves attention

Sex has fade for over three months, being the last one the worst. She has low libido but is just that we dont have much intimacy. She wont even spend the night with me(anxiety)

We have dates and spent time together, but quality time has decreased

[Kwothe28]

I see that you still havent learned to stand up for yourself. And finally break up with her. In a situation like that, are you really surprised that 6 months- 1 year after, you have exactly the same situation? She is checked out and wont suddenly stop carying about you. And she wont stop messaging her gym buddy because he switched gyms. Because she doesnt care about you enough to put an effort and exhibit loyalty.

Its not really that hard for her to do it. She just wont. Why should she? You would never leave her and you wont even tell her to stop messaging her gym buddy. She probably even lost all respect for you. Because you cant stand up for yourself. Again, you cant even tell her that her messaging her gym buddy is innapropriate.

Yes, your feelings are valid. She doesnt put an effort and maybe even cheats. So, what are you going to do about that?

[shouldhavelearned]

Yes, as above you need to take a stand with you heart.

Get some clarity on the trainer. Just because he changes locations doesn't mean she won't see him if she wants.

Talk with her and get things out in the open by addressing your concerns.

 

If you don't see some changes from her, move on.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Kartoff said:

. She also has insecurity issues(dismorphia) which actually make me distrust her a bit, as I know she loves attention.

The issue doesn't seem to be the trainer, so acting possessive, jealous or controlling could make matters worse.

Unfortunately the issues are finances, mental health and her studies. There is not much you can do about her body dysmorphia, anxiety and other mental health struggles.

Hopefully she is getting appropriate medical care and considering her issue, hopefully her trainer is helping her with the body dysmorphia. 

All you can do is try to be more understanding and take excellent care of your own physical and mental health. It's understandable she doesn't want to stay at your parents place. 

If you want this to work out, you may have to accept and realize the complications of being with someone who has as many issues as she does. 

Try for less confrontational and more romantic and trusting interactions. When is the last time you had fun? Or went out? Or planned a romantic weekend away from families and stress? Since the problem is only a couple of months as far as sex, try to create more trust and romance. Please do not rifle through her phone or make accusations unless you want to end things.  Perhaps read up on what some of her issues are:

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/body-dysmorphic-disorder 

[lostandhurt]

This gym guy is just another symptom of all the issues.

  Boundaries and respect are important in any relationship. 

What is it you want?  If that is not achievable with her then your choice is clear.  Time to end things with her.  If you don't how many more years will you suffer like this?

I know it is hard but being single and heartbroken for a while is way better than staying and just surviving feeling like you do.

Lost

[Kartoff]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Unfortunately the issues are finances, mental health and her studies. There is not much you can do about her body dysmorphia, anxiety and other mental health struggles.

 

Money is a problem for me. I would feel better living alone(my therapist thinks so), but because of family and money reasons I cant right now.

She not sleeping with me at the weekends because is my parent house, is not the case. Is my dad house, which he lets me stay on the weekends(in order to me not move out,family reasons). Is close to her house, and is just for us. Is because of her anxiety she does not want to stay, I doubt it would change if it was my flat.

Feeling I am not a priority to her as she is to me does make feel quite insecure. I am aware I need to take care of my health(mental and physical) and I am working on it

 

[smackie9]

The reality here is that she doesn't want what you want. She's trying to move on from you, and yet you keep clinging onto her. I know this because if she really want this with you she would put 110% into it and not give you a bunch of excuses. Face the fact that whatever you had in the beginning is over, gone, finished. You can't always get what you want and life is teaching you that right now. When you are not getting what you need out of a relationship, then you end it and find someone that will give you everything you would expect. That's how it works. 

[boltnrun]

You say you don't trust her yet you're going through her phone behind her back and hiding it from her. Hm. 🤔 You're both behaving in a shady manner.

Do you believe the woman you will build a life with would be a woman whose phone you feel you need to sneak looks at?

How about instead of sneaking looks at her phone you just TALK to her? Ask her if she's got her eye on someone else. If she asks why, you will have to tell her about going through her phone.

[MissCanuck]

On 7/26/2023 at 11:43 PM, Kartoff said:

The guy left her gym which made feel better not gonna lie, overall things were improving and I felt we we were getting closer.

But two months ago I have start to feel she grows apart.

You made the mistake of thinking this gym guy was the problem, but he's not. He's a symptom of a bigger problem. 

That problem is that your girlfriend is not really into this relationship anymore. If she were, no guy would be able to turn her head like this. 

[Andrina]

Not that it's ever okay, but when a partner becomes inappropriately involved with another, even if it's not physical but an emotional affair, it's either because of an emotional disconnection in the primary relationship, or the person has outgrown the primary relationship.

Sounds like you're both young so maybe she's not ready to make your relationship a forever thing.

You brought up the coach problem. For a person still in love and wanting your relationship to work, she might've seen this as a wake-up call and an "Uh-oh, I better make things right or I will lose my bf." Instead, she pooh-poohed your concerns.

If you were married and had kids together, I'd probably suggest counseling, but in your case, I'd say to just make a clean break. Sex is unsatisfying. You don't feel like a priority. You tried communication and that didn't work. You've already had one break up in the past. 

Love isn't enough to hang on. Other major must-haves are missing. With time and distance, the love will fade and you can eventually date others until you find someone who will treat you in a manner you'll be happy with. Take care.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/27/2023 at 10:26 AM, Kartoff said:

 Is because of her anxiety she does not want to stay, 

Agree. If she has as many mental health problems as you depicted, it's going to be a very rough ride for you. So looking at this one thing or that one thing won't help if the bigger picture is that of someone not ready, willing or able to have the relationship you're hoping for.

[Kartoff]

On 7/28/2023 at 6:09 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. If she has as many mental health problems as you depicted, it's going to be a very rough ride for you. So looking at this one thing or that one thing won't help if the bigger picture is that of someone not ready, willing or able to have the relationship you're hoping for.

I think you are right. Her mental problems make her act distant, not compromising...and that with my low insecurity makes it hard.

Honestly I do not think is just me insecure, is just the relationship is hard to keep alive. Intimacy is low, she does not put effort, and lately I am feeling that she is not treating me as I deserve.

Yesterday she asked me to help her with a project. I asked her to come to my house as I was alone and she told me to go to hers as she came from the gym and need a shower(it was a bit late)

The thing is she has a cat. And I am allergic, I cans stand it a couple hours but I rather not.

She knows but I feel like she forgets it. And even if she just forget, when I go to my friends house with cats, they clean the house make sure a chair is clear for me... She does nothing like that, not even moving the cat away

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Kartoff said:

 I do not think is just me insecure, is just the relationship is hard to keep alive. Intimacy is low, she does not put effort, and lately I am feeling that she is not treating me as I deserve.

Sadly you seem incompatible on so many levels and it's not about who's fault or a gym instructor. It has a lot to do with her mental health issues and that she's simply not capable of operating the way you hope a partner will..