Am I wrong here?

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, JandJMom said:

I've been trying to make him know that he is a priority to me.

He is well aware that he is a priority to you. It's why he is so comfortable throwing his moods around and guilt tripping you when you fall out of line. 

Not everybody is like this. It's a character thing and a values thing. Some people, when they see you've made them a priority, make you a priority in turn. Other people use it as an opportunity to capitalize and manipulate. 

[JandJMom]

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

He is well aware that he is a priority to you. It's why he is so comfortable throwing his moods around and guilt tripping you when you fall out of line. 

Not everybody is like this. It's a character thing and a values thing. Some people, when they see you've made them a priority, make you a priority in turn. Other people use it as an opportunity to capitalize and manipulate. 

Ugh, but it's not all the time.  Most of the time, he makes me feel so special.  But any kind of conflict, he gets angry.  The next day we can talk it over calmly.  I just wish that I was one of those girls who could just drop people 😔 I feel like I give everyone 80 chances.  Until they leave me and make me look stupid.  😫 I don't know how to break things off.  Then I always feel like that was my last chance and I'll never find anyone again.  

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, JandJMom said:

But any kind of conflict, he gets angry.

This is where it matters most, though. Anyone can be nice when things are going their way. But tough times show true colors.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, JandJMom said:

But any kind of conflict, he gets angry

Big red flag, OP. 

11 hours ago, JandJMom said:

Then I always feel like that was my last chance and I'll never find anyone again.  

Why do you feel this way? 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, JandJMom said:

But any kind of conflict, he gets angry.  … 😫 I don't know how to break things off.  Then I always feel like that was my last chance and I'll never find anyone again.  

I understand. Most of us have had to learn the hard way how to look out for ourselves.

Consider looking up the term ‘sunk cost fallacy’. While it applies to money, it also applies to the value of your time.

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again. Staying with someone who’s word means nothing is like saying that nothing matters—not even me.

Consider your self worth to be a model for your children. Do you want them to believe that it’s natural to latch onto someone who mistreats you while you tiptoe around him so he won’t get angry? Or maybe they’ll learn from you how to use discretion in selecting only people who are loving and caring and respectful? And honest?

You already know that you are capable of loving. It may be your time to learn that you deserve someone who will love you back.

Head high.

[Tinydance]

Well I kind of believe that maybe there's really nothing romantic or sexual going on. If he talks to her this much and hangs out with her this much for ten years, they would have at least hooked up by now. Usually this only happens when both people aren't into each other. Or at least one of them isn't into the other person. Are you worried that your boyfriend is actually into her but it's not mutual? So you think that's the only reason they didn't get together?

In regards to people automatically thinking that people of the same gender are together, that's happened to me before. I have a close male friend of 12 years and we used to always be together and people thought we were together. But we actually weren't because he's gay. He just doesn't look/seem stereotypically gay.

I think what the main problem here is that your boyfriend hasn't set boundaries now that he's actually in a relationship with you. I don't think he should be doing things like staying in a hotel room with her or going to each other's house all the time. Usually when people have opposite gender friends they do adjust the way they interact with them if they're not single. Even if she's a good friend, he should be giving more attention and more of his time to you. That should be the same even if the friend was male. 

I hate to say it but if she's so important to him for ten years, I don't think he's going to cut her off. I think the only thing you could do is you could ask him to put boundaries in place. If he doesn't do that then you may need to think about ending this relationship. 

[JandJMom]

Thanks, everyone.  

Last night, I went over there and ended up having a really good night.  We went to dinner and then he took me out for ice cream that we ate in the bed of his truck.  Then he said that I need to stop being so hard on myself and so insecure about him.  He told me that he knows I don't believe him but he wouldn't be with me if he didn't want to be with me.  And that even if we're fighting, I've got to just tell him that he's being an *** because I will back down because I don't want to fight.  He told me that he loves me and that I was worth all of it.  He told me that I don't need to worry about his friend, ever.  

I honestly didn't even bring up the show that we were supposed to go to.  I should of but I don't know, I wasn't mad about it anymore.  He does definitely treat me like his gf.  And when I'm with them, I know nothing is going on.  I think I'm honestly just jealous at how close they are.  I'm not going to mention them anymore, unless it's an actual problem.  But I am going to make sure that if he starts to show that I'm not a priority to him, that he knows that I've got my own life and stuff, too.  Not waiting around for him whenever I'm free.  

 

[foreverblue]

I will try my best to advise even though I don't know much about relationships in general. 

I think you should date men who are fully invested in you and it should be reciprocated. Comprising and being overly understanding in this situation will leave you bitter and vindictive. There needs to be a fair understanding of your needs as well in this situation, it appears as if you have tried to communicate them and they are being dismissed. 

[MissCanuck]

On 7/20/2023 at 1:38 AM, JandJMom said:

He told me that I don't need to worry about his friend, ever.  

He isn't getting it. 

The point is that he treats her like a girlfriend too, minus the physical intimacy. Maybe she isn't into him that way, but I have to say it does look like he has had feelings for her and still has a very soft spot for her. 

[Jibralta]

On 7/18/2023 at 1:53 PM, JandJMom said:

I feel like I give everyone 80 chances.  Until they leave me and make me look stupid.

I think you're doing it again:

On 7/19/2023 at 7:38 PM, JandJMom said:

I'm not going to mention them anymore, unless it's an actual problem.

It is a problem. For you. And your brushing it under the rug with excuses.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/19/2023 at 7:38 PM, JandJMom said:

. he knows that I've got my own life and stuff, too.  Not waiting around for him whenever I'm free. 

This is the best approach. Don't be at his beck and call. As far as the friend, they have a 10 year history and harping on if they have a thing won't help. Stay busy with friends family children plan nice dates for you two and see what happens.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the best approach. Don't be at his beck and call. As far as the friend, they have a 10 year history and harping on if they have a thing won't help. Stay busy with friends family children plan nice dates for you two and see what happens.

I have read all the posts and honestly this^ is the best advice imo.

His relationship with her is similar to my relationship with one of my brothers, especially after our parents passed away. 

Even when I have a boyfriend and was married and HE has a girlfriend.  We are just extremely tight and always there for each other no matter what.

This was rarely if ever an issue with my boyfriends or husband as I always incorporated them in my relationship with my brother; THEY became friends in their own right, did stuff together, and as such they (my bfs/husband) never felt threatened by it.

I became friends with my brother's girlfriends as well so THEY never felt threatened or less of a priority.

I do think it's possible your boyfriend views this woman similarly, like a sister for reasons already stated - friends for 10 years, was there for him during a difficult break up with his ex, etc

He may want to incorporate you into their relationship too, have you and she becomes friends in your own right, but fearful of mentioning it or making it happen.  Possibly.

I'm sorry you feel insecure. I've been there too.  And what can happen sometimes is that insecurity can skew our perceptions and poison an otherwise good relationship into something unhealthy and detrimental to its growth.

Something to consider?  

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

35 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I have read all the posts and honestly this^ is the best advice imo.

His relationship with her is similar to my relationship with one of my brothers, especially after our parents passed away. 

Even when I have a boyfriend and was married and HE has a girlfriend.  We are just extremely tight and always there for each other no matter what.

This was rarely if ever an issue with my boyfriends or husband as I always incorporated them in my relationship with my brother; THEY became friends in their own right, did stuff together, and as such they (my bfs/husband) never felt threatened by it.

I became friends with my brother's girlfriends as well so THEY never felt threatened or less of a priority.

I do think it's possible your boyfriend views this woman similarly, like a sister for reasons already stated - friends for 10 years, was there for him during a difficult break up with his ex, etc

He may want to incorporate you into their relationship too, have you and she becomes friends in your own right, but fearful of mentioning it or making it happen.  Possibly.

I'm sorry you feel insecure. I've been there too.  And what can happen sometimes is that insecurity can skew our perceptions and poison an otherwise good relationship into something unhealthy and detrimental to its growth.

Something to consider?  

Good luck whatever you decide.

To add, re him lying about the comedy show, I would address this calmly and rationally.

Ask him why he felt the need to lie about it being sold out and wait for his response.  

I've actually done this with positive results.

I explained, for me, repeated lies are a deal-breaker and there is nothing he should be fearful of telling me, even if it's something I don't relish hearing. 

That I am open-minded and would much rather hear the truth no matter what.  

No need to go batshyt crazy about it, not that anyone was suggesting that, but I've seen women approach it that way and it rarely resolved anything.