Am I overreacting??

[Connie]

So I am in my first relationship after my separation.  We have the the kids week on, week off.  The guy I'm seeing has kids, but they are much older and have left home and are still getting used to the idea of their parents seeing other people,  so my weeks with the kids are dedicated to them and I don't see him much those weeks.  He however, is more into this than I am and pines the whole week waiting to see me, whereas, after a week of working full-time and kids, I need a few hours, some times a night alone in my own company.  He sulks about that as he has a lot of free time and seeing me is the highlight of his week, so he monopolises a lot of my week off the kids time.  I noticed as a result, I'd been neglecting catching up with friends and family.

A few weeks ago, I went out with my girlfriend instead, just to my godsons flat to watch rugby and have a few drinks.  He packed a big sulk and sent nasty messages that I'd hook up with other guys and be flirting and tried to guilt trip me.  Didn't work as I really wanted to spend time with my friend. I've known there's not a future for us, but was happy to enjoy the ride while it lasted and have been open and honest about that and we both know his feelings are stronger.  So I thought, I don't need this *** and it's going to happen eventually, so tried to break it off.  This was on a Saturday night.  He bombarded me with messages and we ended up talking and I thought why not, he is fun and we get on realy well and have a lot in common and I do like spending time.  So we made up on the Monday night. However, I have access to his emails as when we first met he was on a lot of hookup sites and is not very tech savvy so gave me access to his account to unsubscribe/delete profiles etc..

Today he wasn't sure of a physio appt and I said I can quickly double check your emails, he was very quick to say no, no, it's in a text, in such a way it roused suspicions.  So (yes, I know I shouldn't snoop).  I checked his emails, and that Saturday/Sunday (when he was apparently heartbroken), he had re-joined multiple hookup sites and from the chats was looking for one night hookups.  I have broken up with him again as a result.  My rationale being that he knew there was a glimmer of hope, and yes we were technically broken up, but if he had enough respect and was that 'heartbroken', why was he so quick to look for a hookup.

So my question is, am I being too hard on him, since we were broken up at the time?  Or am I justified in thinking that he shouldn't have jumped straight back into the sites while bombarding me with messages saying how much he loves me and wants me back?  Should I give him another chance, or since I don't see long-term.  Just cut our losses and move on?

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Connie said:

 .  He packed a big sulk and sent nasty messages that I'd hook up with other guys and be flirting and tried to guilt trip me.  

Sorry this is happening. How long were you seeing him? You make the right call ending things.

Obviously it's time to cut your losses if he's suffocating you and sending nasty messages.  Take your time and focus on your friends, family, children, coparenting and finalizing the divorce.

[Kwothe28]

8 minutes ago, Connie said:

A few weeks ago, I went out with my girlfriend instead, just to my godsons flat to watch rugby and have a few drinks.  He packed a big sulk and sent nasty messages that I'd hook up with other guys and be flirting and tried to guilt trip me.

I would more be worried that you made out with somebody who is so possesive that he becomes nasty just because you go out with your friend. Shows that you dont have a good picker when it comes to things as you brushed off all this and said "why not he is fun". 

The situation about the dating sites is just irrelevant compared to that.

[Connie]

About seven months

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, Connie said:

am I justified in thinking that he shouldn't have jumped straight back into the sites while bombarding me with messages saying how much he loves me and wants me back? 

No, you're not really justified. You dumped him. He was free to do what he wanted. I get that it's not a good look on him, but you don't have a leg to stand on there. 

15 minutes ago, Connie said:

or since I don't see long-term.  Just cut our losses and move on?

Yes, move on. You two are not compatible and it should have ended before now. 

[smackie9]

You are an adult woman with responsibilities, and commitments. Why are you dating a man that acts like a child? You can do better than that.

Tip: don't date anyone that shows the signs of possessiveness, passive/ aggressive, obsessive behaviour. He's manipulative, emotionally abusive when he doesn't get his way. People like that can become very dangerous. It has already led to harassment. Could lead to stalking and escalate to vandalism, then violence. Just because he's all charming, under that exterior is ugliness. Dump and run, block/delete. Take care of yourself and avoid guys that are like this.

[Connie]

Thanks everyone.  I pretty much knew that.  My previous 17 year  relationship was with a narcissist who always had me second guessing my reactions to what he did, so it's a hard habit to break and I needed some unbiased advise.  So this has helped.  Thanks

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, Connie said:

my weeks with the kids are dedicated to them and I don't see him much those weeks.  He however, is more into this than I am and pines the whole week waiting to see me, whereas, after a week of working full-time and kids, I need a few hours, some times a night alone in my own company.  He sulks about that as he has a lot of free time and seeing me is the highlight of his week, so he monopolises a lot of my week off the kids time. 

Sounds like he is not happy in this situation.

 

11 hours ago, Connie said:

A few weeks ago, I went out with my girlfriend instead, just to my godsons flat to watch rugby and have a few drinks.  He packed a big sulk and sent nasty messages that I'd hook up with other guys and be flirting and tried to guilt trip me.

Okay, this is NOT okay!  he needs to have a life outside this relationship...  But, besides that fact, he's a loser!  No one needs to be made to feel 'guilt' over someone's attitude & assumptions like this!  Sounds like some jealousy and ignorance!

 

11 hours ago, Connie said:

So my question is, am I being too hard on him, since we were broken up at the time?  Or am I justified in thinking that he shouldn't have jumped straight back into the sites while bombarding me with messages saying how much he loves me and wants me back?  Should I give him another chance, or since I don't see long-term.  Just cut our losses and move on?

Sorry, but none of this is 'love'. 

IMO, he seems overly needy, which is one turn off and another is playing head games.. from making YOU feel guilt when he doesn't get 'his way'!

As for these hook up & dating sites, he's most likely a guy who'll always have them available, look at how he acts.  Is probably where he'll remain. ( some are like that, they become so used to those sites, it's a part of them. - whether involved or not.)

 

 

11 hours ago, Connie said:

He packed a big sulk and sent nasty messages that I'd hook up with other guys and be flirting and tried to guilt trip me.  Didn't work as I really wanted to spend time with my friend. I've known there's not a future for us, but was happy to enjoy the ride while it lasted and have been open and honest about that and we both know his feelings are stronger.

No, not stronger.  He's just a man child who needs to learn some actual respect and grow up!

Move on, seriously STOP all interactions and if he keeps at you, ignore.  You owe him nothing anymore .. but i get a feel he'll harass you a little, expecting you to cave.. Just don't!  Hopefully within a week or so, he'll back off.

No loss here 😉  

[catfeeder]

All adult relationships being voluntary, you are entitled to end anything that’s not working for you regardless of rationale.

There are no judges or juries in our private love lives, and nobody else is living it for us, so nobody else gets a vote.

Breakups are not a democracy. You don’t need to ‘sell’ the other on agreeing to it. Any one person can end the thing, and feeling justified is nice but unnecessary.

You don’t need to build a ‘case’ and the guy doesn’t need to be a villain in order for you to get out of something you just want to exit.

[Jibralta]

On 7/3/2023 at 9:09 AM, Connie said:

am I being too hard on him

No, you did the right thing.

17 hours ago, Connie said:

My previous 17 year  relationship was with a narcissist who always had me second guessing my reactions to what he did, so it's a hard habit to break and I needed some unbiased advise.

That's interesting. You seem to have picked a similar person BUT you are questioning the right behavior. Good on you!

For your reference:

On 7/3/2023 at 9:09 AM, Connie said:

He packed a big sulk and sent nasty messages that I'd hook up with other guys and be flirting and tried to guilt trip me.

This sulking behavior is (very obviously) manipulative, but more importantly it is insulting to you. People who genuinely like and respect you don't call your character into question and challenge your morality.

On 7/3/2023 at 9:09 AM, Connie said:

I checked his emails, and that Saturday/Sunday (when he was apparently heartbroken), he had re-joined multiple hookup sites and from the chats was looking for one night hookups. 

I probably don't need to tell you this, but I will. An emotionally intelligent person doesn't need to bust a nut to cope with challenges. Someone who can exercise self-control can at least wait a few days or weeks before doing so. But most importantly, someone who valued you would not do this at all. 

Through these actions, this guy has revealed his own nature and his true opinion of you (and undoubtedly all women): He thinks you're a lying sex-fiend. That's probably because he is one himself.

On 7/3/2023 at 9:09 AM, Connie said:

we ended up talking and I thought why not, he is fun and we get on realy well and have a lot in common and I do like spending time.

You can have fun with all kinds of people--and you should! Just because someone has certain limitations doesn't make them a horrible person. They can still be fun. You can still share things in common with them. I used to hang out with a guy who was a pathological liar. We got on great. But I knew he was a liar and I didn't trust him worth sht. 

You have to learn who you can trust with intimacy and who you can't. Some people are very messy emotionally and they will take your neat, clean emotional realm and make a mess of it, too. It's like letting a barn animal into your house. Don't do that.

[Lambert]

Nope. You don't get a say in how someone acts, after you dump them. That's just across the board, but you did the right thing dumping him. 

Don't waste your time with lopsided relationships or guys that are immature, insecure and needy.

While it can be fun and feels like there's no harm.  there is harm.  You're harming them because you're not as invested as they are, which leads them on.  And it harms you because you could otherwise be spending your time on the people and relationships that truly matter in your life or meeting guys you do see a future with. 

Even when it's just you taking care of yourself.  Self care is important, especially when you are working full time and have children.  

Block and delete this guy.  You can do better.