Nervous for a date

[Alex39]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's going fine, you're seeing him tonight and have dates lined up. 

It's all very new so you'll have to relax and play it by ear.

Neither of you should have to jump through hoops. Please throw out the rule book that states "he has to win you over". 

He's already being involved and acting interested. The issue seems to be these types of ridiculous rules causing doubts and anxiety for you.

You are so right. He is putting in lots of effort now. Planning things.  We're exclusive. That's great. He texts me tons. Because he wants to. It's all good. I'm overthinking things. Everyone probably goes through this and feels this in a new budding relationship.  

I was so over the moon happy after our last date went so well. He said he was too. Then we made it official and we were both super happy. 

Now it's been a couple days. We're both working, doing other stuff. I'm still so happy to have him. But the super excitement has faded a bit. I still smile when I think of him and can't wait to see him. But it was like a huge high and now I think it's balancing out normally. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Yeah, I think I'm in this early stage of like- have to impress him, have to be interesting. But I was talking to my friend and she was saying how most days she and her husband are hanging at home or doing yard work. She's like Alex, that isn't interesting, but we just like being together. And she said too, if this guy doesn't like your life, then he isn't right for you. 

I agree with her. I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than a couple months. I feel unsure how it should be. Do you just enjoy being with the person, even if it's not doingb anything or having anything new or fresh to say.

I feel like I'm so consumed in this that I am losing my life a bit. And my life was what gave me ammunition to say new things and keep up with things. 

I wrote what I wrote before you wrote this. STOP texting about your daily comings and goings.  Even when you’re married unless you have to. Less is more. You’re far far from an established couple. Less is more is far far more interesting.  Stop with the intensity about “stages “.  Get to know this person in person. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

You are so right. He is putting in lots of effort now. Planning things.  We're exclusive. That's great. He texts me tons. Because he wants to. It's all good. I'm overthinking things. Everyone probably goes through this and feels this in a new budding relationship.  

Texting you tons can mean a whole lot of things. Focus on how he treats you and all the people you two interact with - in person. He’s been planning dates like this for a couple of days. If he’s still being reciprocal in 6 months then that’s more of a pattern. 

[Sindy_0311]

16 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

We're exclusive. That's great.

I think I missed something? When did that happen and how exactly? 

Also, did you kiss Saturday night? Or was it just a peck? 

I'm afraid this exclusivity thing is really too soon and he agreed on it just to make you feel confortable. See, I think there is a difference between delating the dating app profile and really get exclusive.

The Italian guy I dated a few weeks ago (the lovebomber, for the ones who remember) he told me that with the previous lady he met on the dating app, they decided to delete their respective profiles. They never met IRL, just texting/calls etc, he ended up robbed by this girl. He was one off those guys who would text and send photos and call during the whole day. And three dates in with me, he told me he didn't want me to meet other guys. Only to loose interest after we slept together...  

Also have to mention that I usually choose te become exclusive with someone naturally because I like them, without even telling them. And I suspect that guys at early stage, when they truly like a woman, will do the same. I guess you can sense it by their constancy or them calling every night, texting you or sending you pictures of their night outs and constantly wanting to see you. But the real we are in a exclusive/serious/committed relationship talk should come on first dates.  And I would even say that sometimes you don't even need to have the talk, you just get exclusive and spent most time with your partner. it's common sense.

 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

he agreed on it just to make you feel confortable.

He asked her to be exclusive. She didn't ask him. It's in her post.

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, no man I know or been involved with has fallen in love with a woman (me) because she's "interesting."  You make friends because you find them interesting, but romantic love is entirely different.

I've had boyfriends, husband and other men including my brothers tell me a man falls in love with a woman's "essence," her beauty (inside and out) which is unique to him.

Who she is as a woman, how she carries herself in her life and the world, how she feels about herself and him.  How she treats others.  Among other things but hopefully you get the gist. 

The feeling is unique to every man, every individual but its not because she's "interesting." 

In fact, I used to be so shy I could barely speak!  But men fell in love with me anyway.

So don't worry about that.  Just be you, be REAL. In truth you don't have to do a damn thing other than that.  

JMO on this but a great way to determine a man's character and if he's right for you (and you for him) is observing how he interacts with others, strangers, and YOU while out in the world.

The wait staff at a restaurant, the person serving you ice cream, when you're walking does he stand next to you, take your hand when crossing the street, little things like that. 

Observe, observe, observe.

Now instead of yet another home date, why not suggest something outdoors? It's summertime!  

Go for a walk in the park.  Observe nature together, get some ice cream, or share apps at a cool local pub with great vibe and great music. 

By doing so, you have the opportunity to assess how he is out in the world (and him you as well).  This all helps in determining if he's the right man for you. 

You stated earlier the other men you've been involved with weren't right for you.   At one point in your relationship did you determine that? 

My point is you and this man have had four dates.  You don't know if he's right for you either.. It's too soon to know that.

I think it's great you're exclusive and focusing only on each other.  I'm a one-at-a time dater myself when there's something special and unique happening between us.

But try and stay away from future talk about building a house together, etc.  It's way WAY too soon for that. 

Slow down.  Let things happen naturally and organically.

And remember it's not your job to be entertaining or interesting and if that's what his criteria is for getting more involved or falling in love with you, forget him.

[boltnrun]

I completely agree with not having each and every "date" at your home. I put date in quotes because to me sitting on your couch is not a date. It really is just hanging out. And no, it's not necessary to attend a three ring circus every time, but it's also going to get stale really quickly if you two just sit on your couch watching movies all the time. Boring!

You are on a fitness journey. How about hiking together? Or walking at a school track followed by a fruit smoothie? Or playing volleyball, flying a kite or mini golf? Easy ways to get moving and fun too. 

I mean, what is there to talk about if you just sit on your couch? Shared experiences are what builds a relationship.

[Sindy_0311]

37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He asked her to be exclusive. She didn't ask him. It's in her post.

oh ok thanks, missed that post. I hope OP also asked HIM to be exclusive... 😉 

[Jaunty]

Even though you have both decided to be boyfriend / girlfriend very quickly, and you are feeling good about that, please don't forget that you need to get to know each other.

Putting work into building a relationship is really NOT about you perfecting a coy flirtatious act while he does the "trying hard to impress" you traditional guy version.

That is b.s. frankly.  DO NOT DO IT.  I do feel like you're a bit overly influenced by very low level social media / media messaging about what relationships are supposed to be like.  I strongly advise you to drop that.

Both of you are still basically strangers though you surely hit it off and evidently you both "know" that you want to be together even though you don't really know each other.  It happens, for sure.  But you NEED to let your true self be known to him and you need to realistically accept who he is, once you have a chance to get to know him more.

And I beg of you to take this one piece of advice:  CURTAIL THE NONSTOP TEXTING.  Don't do it via "games."  It's not about playing hard to get.  The point is to avoid driving your budding relationship into the ground through mind numbing blah blah blah.  It can and does happen all the time.  

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, I agree about the non-stop texting.  That WILL get old real fast, can almost guarantee you that. 

I mean, sending emojis back and forth?  NO words, just emojis?  I never even heard of that.

Texting means nothing in the grand scheme.

And if this is what you mean by "making tons of effort" or the criteria you use to determine how into you he is, please change this faulty mindset.  

I like how Jaunty described it "mind numbing blah blah blah."

As boltnrun said, shared experiences is where it's at.

Spending time in person.  Being together.   Shared experiences.

This is how you build "intimacy" together.

Not just a relationship which can often be mediorce and "humdrum," but true emotional intimacy.

 

[boltnrun]

If this works out and becomes long term or more, I guarantee you won't be reminiscing about "remember when I texted you that smiley face emoji?" It'll be more like "Remember when we were flying the kite and it got stuck on the balcony of that million dollar house?" (which is actually something that happened to me and my husband, BTW). Or "Remember when we went to that amazing Jazz in the Park concert and they had fireworks after?" 

Those kind of shared experiences. Not texting emojis. 

[Sindy_0311]

20 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Even though you have both decided to be boyfriend / girlfriend very quickly, and you are feeling good about that, please don't forget that you need to get to know each other.

I have to say that im a bit concerned about this. Until last Saturday he has been a flake and inconsistent, and I don't understand this sudden shift from his part. did he developed a stronger attraction towards you within 24 hours.  if I remember well, he cancelled your date for a guys hangout, and came back to you on Friday or Saturday to rearrange a "date" for that night. And on Sunday morning he asked for exclusivity... this is really fast and almost unhealthy from his part... Didnt he say that he wasn't willing to rush things this time?  You barely kissed and you never went to his place, you can't even be sure he lives alone. See Alex, he canceled three date in only one month (first breakfast, he texted at 4 am (ouch), second on a Saturday night, and again on a Saturday night.) Would I be dating him, I would even have doubts about him being single... I think you are going way too fast and I see it as a dangerous situation. 

I get the feeling that I am the only one seeing something really unhealthy there... 

[boltnrun]

I find it to be rushed as well, but I think Alex can avoid any major pitfalls by being observant and not allowing her desire to "get a boyfriend" to cloud her judgement.

Alex, be sure to look out for yourself while you're enjoying spending time with him. Do not ignore any doubts or concerns. If you have any, discuss them with him. And if there's incompatibility don't be afraid to act in your own best interest.

In the meantime, it's OK to enjoy yourself. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I get the feeling that I am the only one seeing something really unhealthy there... 

You're not the only one.  I find it rather strange myself and personally wouldn't trust it. But I'm not the one dating him. 

And I'm trying to stay positive for Alex.

If she gets burned, so be, she learns for next time. 

There no talking her down from this anyway.

 

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I completely agree with not having each and every "date" at your home. I put date in quotes because to me sitting on your couch is not a date. It really is just hanging out. And no, it's not necessary to attend a three ring circus every time, but it's also going to get stale really quickly if you two just sit on your couch watching movies all the time. Boring!

You are on a fitness journey. How about hiking together? Or walking at a school track followed by a fruit smoothie? Or playing volleyball, flying a kite or mini golf? Easy ways to get moving and fun too. 

I mean, what is there to talk about if you just sit on your couch? Shared experiences are what builds a relationship.

Yes I agree with this 100%.

Active dates are great for getting to know each other and they are just fun! Doesn't have to be expensive at all. Going to the park with a Frisbee and a little picnic snack is super cheap but really fun. And it gets the blood pumping, which puts people in a good mood. You get go laugh and bond naturally and have excuses to touch each other naturally too 🙂

What activities does he like? 

[Alex39]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I find it to be rushed as well, but I think Alex can avoid any major pitfalls by being observant and not allowing her desire to "get a boyfriend" to cloud her judgement.

Alex, be sure to look out for yourself while you're enjoying spending time with him. Do not ignore any doubts or concerns. If you have any, discuss them with him. And if there's incompatibility don't be afraid to act in your own best interest.

In the meantime, it's OK to enjoy yourself. 

I completely understand what you are saying. I am trying to keep an open mind and see things clearly. But of course I'm excited too. 

What strikes me with him, is that he had this divorce, he knows and acknowledges that he made a mistake,  he literally fell into hard times financially,  and he is building himself back up. He had a plan, he's motivated, he's honest about it. He said he didn't want to be exclusive until he was honest with me about the situation he's in. 

I appreciate honesty. But he also wants to date me and be with me. 

I can't tell you how many guys I've met with were like- I'd love to date you, but I'm not in the right place in my life right now. 

And they let me go. I think it's fully possible to date whilst building up your life. My life isn't perfect. But I'm not hiding until it is. 

And then I dated a lot of guys who weren't honest with their life and made tons of excuses for their situation. Instead of picking themselves up and changing it. 

[Starlight925]

Have you been to his apartment?

Have you met any of his friends?

Have you seen his place of employment?

And no, Alex, couch nights are not “dates”.  Lame hangouts at best. 

Random emojis don’t count either   Unless you’re 12 and this is your first phone.

As has been already said, there are many free ways to spend time together:  park walks, festivals, art shows.  
 

Don’t sell yourself while you tell stories about him.  His divorce, he’s finding himself….blah.  Blah.  Blah. 

[Starlight925]

Funny random emoji story:

Visiting my parents, upstairs in bed, I got a random emoji text from an unknown number.  Ignored.  
 

Another one, this time, hearts, flowers, smiles.  I responded “Wrong number”, received another one. 
 

I responded “Stop you M-F’er.  You’re being blocked”, which I did. 
 

Came downstairs for coffee, and my dad said “Morning sweetheart!  I got a new phone.  Did you get my messages??”

I was like….um dad, can I see your phone for a sec?  (So I could delete my nasty message).  😂

[rainbowsandroses]

Alex, I don't mean to discourage you and truly hope he is sincere with his words and actions.

But after only four dates, and really only one decent one imo (sort of) you DONT know this man.

I'd like to remind you of something @Wiseman2posted that I think is important.

On 7/23/2023 at 9:02 PM, Wiseman2 said:

There are men who are looking for women with resources and yes they talk about buying houses together and pooling resources and so on. Maybe he's not like the last guy, but please spend time at his place before he gets too comfortable at yours. 

Not saying it's true for your guy but stay aware.  Because it does happen, it happened to a friend of mine on another forum. 

He was also forthright and honest about his piss poor financial situation and escalated things very quickly after spending time in her beautiful home.

About two months into their relationship he hit her up for money.  When she refused he dumped her. 

I'm sorry other men have treated you unkindly and been dishonest.

Just don't allow that to influence your judgment here. 

Again, not saying he's like my friend's guy and I truly TRULY hope he's a stand up guy as he's led you to believe. 

Time will tell.

Just stay aware, that's all. 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

he literally fell into hard times financially,  and he is building himself back up. He had a plan, he's motivated, he's honest about it. He said he didn't want to be exclusive until he was honest with me about the situation he's in. 

I appreciate honesty. But he also wants to date me and be with me. 

It's a good thing he is being honest about his situation. But his situation is not ideal. In my own opinion, If really he is building himself up, if he is broke, then It's possible he is going through self esteem issues - maybe the reason why he is rushing things which isn't healthy at all...

I read an article about broke men lately as I was also dating a broke man, plus lovebomber trying to rush things in the begining. In the article they say that broke man would sometimes settle for average girls because they don't believe they can catch better. And once they get on rails again, the risk is they pursue someone more attractive for them. When I read that article I thought I wouldn't be able to date him knowing that he might be settling dating me. thats why I decided to never date broke men again... but this is me... 

I also want to stay positive about him, but frankly a see to many red flags... Also agree that staying home is not dating. It's a bit lazy from his part. I would suggest you go out, and if you feel the need to stay just the two of you, you then go home and stay awhile together. But not the whole evening twice. You want him to putt in some efforts? Tell him you rather go out enjoy each other for activities rather than texting all day long and hanging out. 

[boltnrun]

I also know two women who dated men whose finances were very shaky. One of them invited the guy to move in after the second date (!) after he complimented her on her very nice condo. At the time he had been living in a group home run by a church. A good friend of mine also met a man who was living in a group home. He proposed about two months into dating. Since I love her I wrote her an email detailing why I was concerned. Fortunately she realized I wrote out of caring and didn't get upset. 

In both cases the relationships didn't work out. The first one, the guy turned out to be perpetually unemployed and went on loud, racist rants that embarrassed her and disrupted her neighbors. She had a heck of a time getting him to move out. The second one ended the relationship because she said the guy was driving her crazy. He followed her from room to room and had no interests other than hanging around her. 

Now, these are cautionary tales not warnings or predictions of doom. I do hope you enjoy dating this man and that he turns out to be sincere. But I am worried about how he's fast tracking after flaking on you twice, and that he seems to want to hang out on your couch instead of going on actual dates.

Just keep your head about you, is all I'm saying.

[Alex39]

We're going to hang out and watch a movie, then after we are going to go out and grab some food after.  He liked the idea to go out after. So we aren't just staying in. 

[Alex39]

So he called me on the phone and sent me a picture. He has a flat tire. He was so apologetic. He was on the way to my house. He then asked if he could take me to dinner Thursday to make it up to me. I'm super sad. He said he was looking forward to it too. He took a half day from work just to get some errands done and hang out with me. 

 

[Alex39]

Do you guys think it looks bad of me, to tease him about having a guys night, and now I'm going on a girls thing this Saturday and not seeing him the first weekend of our relationship? 

I'm seeing him Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. I think that's a good amount. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

We're going to hang out and watch a movie, then after we are going to go out and grab some food after.  

If you are both sort of homebodies, that's ok. Some people just like to stay in a lot. 

However please see his place and spend time there as well. It's great you are meeting friends but continue to pace yourself.

It's wonderful to be giddy and happy at finding someone you click with. However don't be so terrified of bursting that bubble that you begin to overlook things.

Unfortunately your relationship "milestones" are still from dating rules books. It's not about "exclusive", or Saturday nights, etc.

You need to get to know him better. His place, his family, his friends, how he is in different settings and so on.

This is why going out is important even though you like staying home.