When is the best time to tell her that you're dating other girls

[MrNobody1111]

I am currently dating two girls. Let's call them Hannah and Stephanie (false names, of course).

I have been on one great date with Hannah which involved lots of cuddling and we both had a great time. As it was a casual date, a lot of the conversation was superficial as we were just getting to know each other.

Meanwhile, I have also been on two dates with Stephanie. Our second date lasted a whole 8 hours with lots of cuddling, and kissing too. Plus we had deeper conversation about our emotional challenges from our pasts.

The problem is: neither girl knows about the other and I have not yet decided which of these two girls I like more. I am aware that I cannot keep this up forever, but I need more time to decide. In the meantime, when would be the best time to tell them that I am dating other people and what would be the best way to go about it?

[Lambert]

how do you know these women? 

Only having been on one or two dates, do you really think you have to explain you're dating around? 

My point is, why would either woman think you're exclusive?

[MrNobody1111]

Yes Lambert, that it a good point. We are very early in the dating phase. However, I am very afraid of doing the morally wrong thing and hurting one or both of these girls. Especially because my date with Stephanie ended up being very romantic and felt a bit deviated from the "casual" vibe.

To answer your question, I met them both via dating apps. One through Bumble and the other through Hinge.

[bluecastle]

Can only speak for myself, but when I was on the apps my assumption, on early dates, was that I was one of a few, a date between dates with others. Imagine the same assumptions were made about me, sometimes correctly. Such is life. 

Guess what I'm saying is that I think 1-2 dates is way early for this kind of talk. Go out with each of them once or twice more, and revisit this question then. 

I'm curious: Are you dating right now because you want to enjoy dating, or because you want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship? 

[Andrina]

I would continue meeting each in public, to avoid being intimate before you make a decision. Because many women bond through sex, unlike men in the early stages, since the amount of hormones released in the women are far greater during the act. And it might be more hurtful to the one you decide to no longer date.

As said, this is the time for Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Of course, if one or both women ask you what your dating style is, you can be honest and tell them you multi-date and it takes you some time to decide about exclusivity.

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, MrNobody1111 said:

 neither girl knows about the other and I have not yet decided which of these two girls I like more. I am aware that I cannot keep this up forever, but I need more time to decide. 

Have the exclusive talk. In other words, explain you're not ready to be exclusive and prefer casual. That way one (or both) of them may bow out on their own accord and you won't have to choose.

[MrNobody1111]

Thank you bluecastle, I despite feeling quite lost in this situation, I do also lean more towards simply dating them both a little longer and then reflecting after. And to answer your question: I'm somewhat new to dating and still need to figure out my dating goals as I go, which of course makes this all the more complicated

[MrNobody1111]

Andrina, thank you so much for your advice, I didn't even consider the emotional implications of telling them after sex that I'm dating other women. I will absolutely be taking this into account. Also, if I understand correctly, you're suggesting that I only mention my dating style when one of them asks about it?

[MrNobody1111]

Wiseman2, thank you for your advice. Having the exclusive talk seems like it would for sure solve this problem. I'm just wondering when would be the best time to tell them, in your opinion?

[smackie9]

 

Have ask yourself, when would you yourself would like to know if any of these women were dating/getting physical with other men?? 

[Andrina]

8 minutes ago, MrNobody1111 said:

Also, if I understand correctly, you're suggesting that I only mention my dating style when one of them asks about it?

I'll just say that I've never had a guy mention this to me on beginning dates, and I was okay with that. As for me, when it seemed as though we were heading toward intimacy, I was the one that did ask about the guy's dating style because I wanted someone who was on the same page as me. I did not want to be intimate with someone who was multi-dating.

And I'll just mention that in my mind, exclusivity in the beginning didn't mean something serious like I assumed we would end up long term. To me, I preferred exclusivity because it's my preference to focus on one person at a time when we get to the point of intimacy, without outside interference. It wasn't a good feeling to me if I were intimate with a guy on Tuesday, and then on Friday, he's making out with another woman.

Most couples have sex far earlier than at the point they really know each other, because you usually are looking through rose-colored glasses the first 4 months unless a person is toxic or crazy. So it's not like whomever you pick is slated to be your forever person. It's just that you have a good feeling right now, and time will tell.

It's up to you if you want to bring it up, but if you're not concerned about it on your end, it might come out wrong. I'd maybe wait for the woman to bring it up.

[shouldhavelearned]

Need more than 2 dates. 

 

Have 5 or 6, maybe even more.

 

Do different activities, discuss serious and less serious topics.

 

More you learn, the more you know.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MrNobody1111 said:

Wiseman2, thank you for your advice. Having the exclusive talk seems like it would for sure solve this problem. I'm just wondering when would be the best time to tell them, in your opinion?

I always assumed we were both free to date others until we were exclusive -not really a "style" of dating.  However if you have sex with more than one person then I think you do tell as far as STD risk, etc.

[Andrina]

P.S. Since you're new to dating, don't go into details and keep it general. Such as if a woman asks, tell her that your style is to be open to multi-dating and that you're comfortable dating a month or two before deciding to become exclusive, or whatever your timeline is. But even if asked DO NOT go into detail, such as that for sure you're dating someone else, who that person is, what you do with that other person, what they look like, etc. It's nobody's business when you're not doing anything wrong, and details will only serve to paint a picture in the woman's head that's not fun for her to think about. Some people ask questions, but if it's something they don't need to know, it's best to not answer.

[SooSad33]

Yup, I agree with above.

I'd like to know in time, if I was out there with the interest of dating/ finding a bf.

I'd get the hint he's interested if he asked me out a few times... by then I would suspect his interest is in ME and not 'other women'.

So, the way I see this, is it's fine.. for now.  But maybe not for a long time of it.  Because women do often get emotionally invested way before a guy does. So, take this into account, before one may come to be upset with you because she felt you just used her or 'led her on'.. to nothing. 😉 

Otherwise, yes, of course, you're still getting the feel here.. the vibe and seeing which one does something good for you and you feel a 'good connection', etc.

 

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Andrina said:

ut even if asked DO NOT go into detail, such as that for sure you're dating someone else, who that person is, what you do with that other person, what they look like, etc. It's nobody's business when you're not doing anything wrong, and details will only serve to paint a picture in the woman's head that's not fun for her to think about. Some people ask questions, but if it's something they don't need to know, it's best to not answer.

I did the same.  It was none of the person's business if I was actually going on dates or with whom.  

[kehratha]

To reply to your original question, I guess never it's a good time.

None of us will be overly happy to hear this.

You have to decide who do you like most, but actually TELLING them, it's not a good idea, in my opinion.

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, kehratha said:

To reply to your original question, I guess never it's a good time.

None of us will be overly happy to hear this.

You have to decide who do you like most, but actually TELLING them, it's not a good idea, in my opinion.

 

I was happy if it needed to be said. 99% of the time it was assumed that we were free to pursue others prior to being exclusive. So if it was said it often was a red flag meaning - I’ll always want to keep options open and don’t see future potential. I made a big mistake with one guy who said he wanted to have sex and still be able to “meet a woman for coffee”.  I said no. He agreed to be exclusive and never fell in love with me. In hindsight I should have known that once he said he’d still want to keep his options open even if we had sex - we’d been dating 6 weeks - he was not that into me and likely never would be. 

[kehratha]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was happy if it needed to be said. 99% of the time it was assumed that we were free to pursue others prior to being exclusive. So if it was said it often was a red flag meaning - I’ll always want to keep options open and don’t see future potential. I made a big mistake with one guy who said he wanted to have sex and still be able to “meet a woman for coffee”.  I said no. He agreed to be exclusive and never fell in love with me. In hindsight I should have known that once he said he’d still want to keep his options open even if we had sex - we’d been dating 6 weeks - he was not that into me and likely never would be. 

Yeah, but I guess he's asking when it's better FOR HIM to tell them, probably hoping that this will be seen like an act of sincerity by the girls😁. Hence my answer.

[greendots]

I'd say it depends on how frequently you're going on dates and talking or texting (meaningful bonding, not just endlessly chitchatting about whatever) in-between dates and the types of dates you're having. You wouldn't like to lead anyone one on.

 

 

[MrNobody1111]

UPDATE: Hannah got the friend vibe from me on our second date, so that didn't work out sadly. Afterwards, I ended things with Stephanie because I was no longer physically attracted to her (obviously I didn't tell her that). Now I'm back at square one. Dating sure is fun :)