Would you let your partner go through your phone?

[poorlittlefish]

When I was married it never occurred to me to go through my husband's phone.  When his behaviour changed and odd things started happening, it raised my suspicions.  He didn't answer his phone one time when I was right in front of him and I asked why.  His reasoning made so sense and that was when I asked to see his phone.  It showed that he was having an affair with an old girlfriend, so I kicked him out and started divorce proceedings.

In my last relationship, the same changes in behaviour around his phone were there but he gaslighted me and told me all sorts of nonsense.  I could/should have asked to see it, but I just ended things instead because my suspicions were enough.  If your gut is telling you that something is off, it probably is.

[Jibralta]

19 hours ago, Massey said:

My question to you is: assuming that you are not doing anything untoward, would you let your partner go through your phone? Or, is this an overstepping of boundaries with regard to one's privacy in general?

I don't see any problem with it. If he suddenly needed some reassurance, he can have at it. And vice versa. I trust him not to utilize my 'private' information in a harmful way. Corporations and government... that's another matter lol--they have no right to go through my stuff. But my trusted and esteemed partner: yes, of course. 

Interestingly, my mom has a totally different take, having been betrayed by various men in her life. After more than 15 years together, she still does not give my stepfather access to her phone or computer--and he has never betrayed her trust as far as I am aware. I don't think he's ever asked her for her passwords or to go through her phone; she just makes this point of being 'strong' about it. I think it's a silly overcompensation on my mom's part--really a failure to properly recognize and address the boundary issues that got her into her past troubles in the first place. But I think my stepfather understands that and respects it, which is good.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

If he suddenly needed some reassurance, he can have at it. And vice versa. I trust him not to utilize my 'private' information in a harmful way.

I would be horribly offended at the question unless he was worried that I'd somehow been scammed or was in danger and was not looking in the right places on my phone - meaning if he thought I was having memory issues and may have inadvertently clicked on something (this is hypothetical but he knows many years ago I had a stroke so I could see him worrying if I started acting oddly and/or he saw some financial discrepancies).  

If he needed that sort of reassurance I'd say no and if we couldn't figure out what the heck was going on that he needed that sort of reassurance I'd want to have an outsider -a counselor or the like - speak with us and get to the bottom of what was going on.  In our personal relationship it would be completely bizarre.

[Kwothe28]

20 hours ago, Massey said:

My question to you is: assuming that you are not doing anything untoward, would you let your partner go through your phone? Or, is this an overstepping of boundaries with regard to one's privacy in general?

 

I have nothing to hide(except memes, I doubt some would be understood and would just be confusing 🤣). But in a broader term its just "icky". Shows mistrust. I dated one woman who got huge jealousy issues. And its not pretty. I can only imagine somebody like her going through my phone. And me having to explain why my colleague called me this morning. Or why my childhood friend sends me Viber messages. In some cases lots of people discover infidelity in that way. But in some it just gives suspicions that lead to arguments. Its just a part of bigger issues.

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would be horribly offended at the question unless he was worried that I'd somehow been scammed or was in danger and was not looking in the right places on my phone - meaning if he thought I was having memory issues and may have inadvertently clicked on something (this is hypothetical but he knows many years ago I had a stroke so I could see him worrying if I started acting oddly and/or he saw some financial discrepancies).  

If he needed that sort of reassurance I'd say no and if we couldn't figure out what the heck was going on that he needed that sort of reassurance I'd want to have an outsider -a counselor or the like - speak with us and get to the bottom of what was going on.  In our personal relationship it would be completely bizarre.

I don't think I would be be offended. But even if I was, I'd want to keep the lines of communication open. If there's an issue that needs to be addressed, I want to be able to listen to what he says and talk about it. He feels the same way as I do about this. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think I would be be offended. But even if I was, I'd want to keep the lines of communication open. If there's an issue that needs to be addressed, I want to be able to listen to what he says and talk about it. He feels the same way as I do about this. 

I think this is why it's so individual.  If my husband had an issue like that and believed he needed to go through my phone to feel reassured I would not let him do so. I would listen and together we'd come up with a way to approach his issue and at the same time I would have my personal boundary.  If he truly didn't trust me as far as loyalty and wanted to go through my phone to convince himself I would say no an know in our personal situation the phone wouldn't help - we'd need a heck of a lot more help as it would be a bizarre situation for us personally. 

I fully respect you'd be ok with it.  It's about individual and couple boundaries!

[Jibralta]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think this is why it's so individual.  If my husband had an issue like that and believed he needed to go through my phone to feel reassured I would not let him do so. I would listen and together we'd come up with a way to approach his issue and at the same time I would have my personal boundary.  If he truly didn't trust me as far as loyalty and wanted to go through my phone to convince himself I would say no an know in our personal situation the phone wouldn't help - we'd need a heck of a lot more help as it would be a bizarre situation for us personally. 

I fully respect you'd be ok with it.  It's about individual and couple boundaries!

Yes. It is individual and unique to each relationship.

I see it as a gesture of trust on my part: My personal stuff is an open book to him. If my boyfriend wanted to read my journals, he's allowed (I won't apologize if he gets upset though lol).

When I first joined this site years ago, I accidentally left the webpage open on our shared computer. When he saw it, he called me at work and asked, "Why are you posting on a site called 'enotalone?'" I totally understood how that looked bad and why he was upset. I explained what I was posting and why. I sent him my login info, so that he could see for himself. He didn't use it. But I wouldn't have cared if he did. If something upsets him, I want to know. I want to talk it out or at least try.

When we first started dating, he gave me the key to his apartment and said, "Come over any time you want. Surprise me." Granted, we knew each other for 20 years before we started dating, but it's that same theme: "I'm an open book. Go ahead and read me."

Why are we both like this? I have no idea. Maybe it's because we're both the product of divorce? Maybe because we've had the same mutual friends for so long that it feels natural to trust each other? We both grew up in the same town--maybe it's in the water lol. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Yes. It is individual and unique to each relationship.

I see it as a gesture of trust on my part: My personal stuff is an open book to him. If my boyfriend wanted to read my journals, he's allowed (I won't apologize if he gets upset though lol).

When I first joined this site years ago, I accidentally left the webpage open on our shared computer. When he saw it, he called me at work and asked, "Why are you posting on a site called 'enotalone?'" I totally understood how that looked bad and why he was upset. I explained what I was posting and why. I sent him my login info, so that he could see for himself. He didn't use it. But I wouldn't have cared if he did. If something upsets him, I want to know. I want to talk it out or at least try.

When we first started dating, he gave me the key to his apartment and said, "Come over any time you want. Surprise me." Granted, we knew each other for 20 years before we started dating, but it's that same theme: "I'm an open book. Go ahead and read me."

Why are we both like this? I have no idea. Maybe it's because we're both the product of divorce? Maybe because we've had the same mutual friends for so long that it feels natural to trust each other? We both grew up in the same town--maybe it's in the water lol. 

Yes and I respect that!  Over the years I've seen a whole range of boundaries among couples. 

If something upsets my husband I want to know and talk it out, help him.  Which is entirely separate from resolving the issue by doing something I am uncomfortable with and will create serious issues for me -which it would - intense stress and discomfort and nauseau if he now insisted that I let him go through my phone whenever he felt like it. Or go through it out of some notion of not trusting me and wanting reassurance in that way.

So if my husband said "I will now only be comfortable if you only talk to your female friends on speaker in my presence."  I would say "no" and I would likely suggest he see a psychiatrist ASAP or a neurologist.  Because I know him well, we are open books and if he said something like that I'd strongly suspect he was unwell. Just like when my father apparently told my mother she was going to leave him for some celebrity or asked if she wanted a divorce.  He had severe alzheimers at the time.

But if he said (as he did once) "I don't want you to meet [male friend he'd not yet met] for drinks before we all meet.  Even though he wants personal time with you.  I don't feel comfortable and we should all meet as planned."  I said yes you're right.  And I didn't. 

When it was bothering me that his female colleague was calling a lot and after hours I expressed to him that I felt uncomfortable.  If I'd said to him "from now on I want to listen in on all your conversations" he'd have said no -that's his boundary.  But he would have listened to me and would totally have wanted to help me. Just not in that manner.  

[smackie9]

Me? Hell no. That would be like him digging through my purse. The both of us have absolutely no interest in doing that.

[Big Stan]

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes. It is individual and unique to each relationship.

I see it as a gesture of trust on my part: My personal stuff is an open book to him. If my boyfriend wanted to read my journals, he's allowed (I won't apologize if he gets upset though lol).

When I first joined this site years ago, I accidentally left the webpage open on our shared computer. When he saw it, he called me at work and asked, "Why are you posting on a site called 'enotalone?'" I totally understood how that looked bad and why he was upset. I explained what I was posting and why. I sent him my login info, so that he could see for himself. He didn't use it. But I wouldn't have cared if he did. If something upsets him, I want to know. I want to talk it out or at least try.

When we first started dating, he gave me the key to his apartment and said, "Come over any time you want. Surprise me." Granted, we knew each other for 20 years before we started dating, but it's that same theme: "I'm an open book. Go ahead and read me."

Why are we both like this? I have no idea. Maybe it's because we're both the product of divorce? Maybe because we've had the same mutual friends for so long that it feels natural to trust each other? We both grew up in the same town--maybe it's in the water lol. 

See, my wife already knows I post here and the conversations I have.  I let her know about my day to start with so if she came across something from here she would already know.  I don't think not having any privacy is trusting, I think it's the opposite.  Trust is like faith, you need to have it when there ARE doubts or questions.  Now trust, like faith, has it's limits of course but for me maintaining a private cell phone is something where trust could come into play.  

Full disclosure is NOT trust.  You don't need trust when you can go through and verify for yourself.  Like @Batya33 said, if my wife came up to me and had a question about my activities I would sit down and find out if there was something I could do to alleviate those fears.  Maybe I've changed a behavior that I could explain or something. 

What I would not do is give full access to my private things because what that's telling me is that I am not trusted.  I know that I'm not cheating or doing anything I've said I wouldn't do.  Therefore the breach in trust is unwarranted from my perspective which is an issue in and of itself.  Also, it's worth noting that many times when one spouse starts leveling accusations about cheating it's because they are cheating and trying to mentally justify it.  So if my wife without warning suddenly demanded to see my phone and history it would raise some red flags of my own.  

Also I do have a female friend.  She's one of my employees but we do hang out a fair amount.  She is also friends with my wife and I told my wife that any time she wants to view our conversations we've had in their entirety, I've never deleted anything, she is welcome to. I'm supposed to keep things above board and mean it when I offer that, and she's supposed to trust me enough that she doesn't need to take me up on that offer.  

[Tinydance]

Didn't read all the replies but personally I wouldn't let my partner go through my phone. I think it's an invasion of privacy. If there's actually no evidence or signs of any cheating then I think it's unnecessary. But if there are suspicions about cheating and it reaches a point where people need to check their partner's phone, the relationship is unhealthy. There should be trust and the ability to talk to your partner.

[Batya33]

I have male friends and I have my whole life basically. Some I dated some not. It’s never come up in any discussion where we talked about showing each other emails or texts from people of the opposite gender. My husband has female coworkers who also are friends and female friends.  I’m friends with two of them - I met them through him.  Well one we met at the same time at his business event. One he dated for a couple of months while he and I were not together and they are colleagues. I met her about 6 months after we started dating again - for lunch during a conference they were attending.

She and I became friends, our husbands have the same first name and we have sons a year apart so when we lived in the same city we spent a lot of time together.  Never had an issue with her.  The other friend I see whenever I can as we don’t live in the same city.  I’d never consider asking to see any texts at all. 

I did show my husband one email I received. A man I met while on jury duty and chatted with LinkedIn with me.  A couple of years later he emailed me.  maybe we’d exchanged one or two emails since then.  
 

He told me he was getting a divorce. He asked for some advice I think about a certain neighborhood he knew I knew about. But part of the email was a wee bit personal. Not flirting but depending on how I responded could have been.

I showed my husband and said “my plan is to give him factual advice about that neighborhood and not respond to the personal part and continue to be LinkedIn.  My husband agreed. He was not thrilled with the personal part and agreed I could respond and only to the “business “ portion. So I did.
 

I’m glad I showed him and if he said “don’t respond “ or “block him “  I’d have not responded / blocked out of respect for him. Since then all of my interactions with this person have been business like.  He posts about his business and if I refer someone to his business I comment that I’ve done so.  And that’s it.  
it’s really rare for me to check in with my husband on stuff like that. I think I told him I LinkedIn with a guy who used to work out in my building fitness room because he’s in the same industry as me and it was good for networking. Again he was fine with it. And it was fine. 

[Massey]

15 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

It showed that he was having an affair with an old girlfriend,

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. 😕

[Massey]

11 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

And its not pretty. I can only imagine somebody like her going through my phone. And me having to explain why my colleague called me this morning. Or why my childhood friend sends me Viber messages. In some cases lots of people discover infidelity in that way. But in some it just gives suspicions that lead to arguments. Its just a part of bigger issues.

I can totally see this.  The possibility of taking things that mean nothing and blowing it out of proportion. 

[Massey]

1 hour ago, Big Stan said:

See, my wife already knows I post here and the conversations I have.  I let her know about my day to start with so if she came across something from here she would already know.  I don't think not having any privacy is trusting, I think it's the opposite.  Trust is like faith, you need to have it when there ARE doubts or questions.  Now trust, like faith, has it's limits of course but for me maintaining a private cell phone is something where trust could come into play.  

Full disclosure is NOT trust.  You don't need trust when you can go through and verify for yourself.  Like @Batya33 said, if my wife came up to me and had a question about my activities I would sit down and find out if there was something I could do to alleviate those fears.  Maybe I've changed a behavior that I could explain or something. 

What I would not do is give full access to my private things because what that's telling me is that I am not trusted.  I know that I'm not cheating or doing anything I've said I wouldn't do.  Therefore the breach in trust is unwarranted from my perspective which is an issue in and of itself.  Also, it's worth noting that many times when one spouse starts leveling accusations about cheating it's because they are cheating and trying to mentally justify it.  So if my wife without warning suddenly demanded to see my phone and history it would raise some red flags of my own.  

Also I do have a female friend.  She's one of my employees but we do hang out a fair amount.  She is also friends with my wife and I told my wife that any time she wants to view our conversations we've had in their entirety, I've never deleted anything, she is welcome to. I'm supposed to keep things above board and mean it when I offer that, and she's supposed to trust me enough that she doesn't need to take me up on that offer.  

I like what you said. Thank you. 

[Massey]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I did show my husband one email I received. A man I met while on jury duty and chatted with LinkedIn with me.  A couple of years later he emailed me.  maybe we’d exchanged one or two emails since then.  

I actually might have done the same thing. But in the past, my boyfriend said that he trusts me and he doesn't need to know of every little encounter with a male friend. 

He said that he would want to know on two conditions; the male friend has feelings for me or I have feelings for the the male friend. 

 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Massey said:

I actually might have done the same thing. But in the past, my boyfriend said that he trusts me and he doesn't need to know of every little encounter with a male friend. 

He said that he would want to know on two conditions; the male friend has feelings for me or I have feelings for the the male friend. 

 

My husband trusts me to know when to share information with him and so he's never put any conditions on it.  I've chosen not to share with him when exes have contacted me inappropriately as I react by not responding or shutting down the interaction - and I know my husband wouldn't need to know as he trusts me to know how to handle such situation - and if I had romantic feelings for a male friend I'd decide on my own how to handle that in a way that was consistent with my marriage and marital commitment.  But I never have. 

I wouldn't tell my husband unless I -hypothetically!! - chose to act on it by being with that person instead of my husband or by getting a divorce because it made me realize deeper issues. Again -never happened.  I do not believe it ever will happen.

  I also behave appropriately in general so that I don't play with fire and I prioritize my loyalty to and love for my husband and son over any situation that might require such a choice whether romantic or otherwise.  My husband knows this about me and therefore has never told me what I have to tell him about my dealings with others.  I've never told him what he has to tell me about his dealings with others. 

When he had dinner with his ex girlfriend 10 years ago he told me about it in advance, I was fine with it and he told me after it was fine -I didn't ask. They are still colleagues but haven't worked in the same place since before he and I married.

Because it was unnecessary for me to ask the man I married and trust whether the dinner was appropriate.  I already assumed it was. 

[Massey]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My husband trusts me to know when to share information with him and so he's never put any conditions on it.  I've chosen not to share with him when exes have contacted me inappropriately as I react by not responding or shutting down the interaction - and I know my husband wouldn't need to know as he trusts me to know how to handle such situation - and if I had romantic feelings for a male friend I'd decide on my own how to handle that in a way that was consistent with my marriage and marital commitment.  But I never have. 

I wouldn't tell my husband unless I -hypothetically!! - chose to act on it by being with that person instead of my husband or by getting a divorce because it made me realize deeper issues. Again -never happened.  I do not believe it ever will happen.

  I also behave appropriately in general so that I don't play with fire and I prioritize my loyalty to and love for my husband and son over any situation that might require such a choice whether romantic or otherwise.  My husband knows this about me and therefore has never told me what I have to tell him about my dealings with others.  I've never told him what he has to tell me about his dealings with others. 

When he had dinner with his ex girlfriend 10 years ago he told me about it in advance, I was fine with it and he told me after it was fine -I didn't ask. They are still colleagues but haven't worked in the same place since before he and I married.

Because it was unnecessary for me to ask the man I married and trust whether the dinner was appropriate.  I already assumed it was. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Massey said:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I'm thankful my thoughts never need to include whether my phone and my purse are my own -it's a given.

[redswim30]

I have two thoughts about this- 

1. I don't care at all if my husband wants to go thru my phone.   There's nothing there that he cannot see. 

2. BUT- he also shouldn't feel the NEED to do so.  

I think it all boils to the reason WHY.  Are you doing it to "check up" on the other person?  In which case, not cool.  But if my husband's like " my phone died, can I use yours?"  Sure, nothing on there he can't see. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

I have two thoughts about this- 

1. I don't care at all if my husband wants to go thru my phone.   There's nothing there that he cannot see. 

2. BUT- he also shouldn't feel the NEED to do so.  

I think it all boils to the reason WHY.  Are you doing it to "check up" on the other person?  In which case, not cool.  But if my husband's like " my phone died, can I use yours?"  Sure, nothing on there he can't see. 

If he needed to use my phone sure and he wouldn't have to ask me if I was out or in the other room.  And I would be mad if he then went through it.  Vice versa.  There certainly are things I don't want him to see -personal emails and personal texts with friends.  I don't open his non junk mail either other than if he is away and waiting for a specific check or bill or whatever.  He doesn't open mine.  

[Big Stan]

3 hours ago, redswim30 said:

I have two thoughts about this- 

1. I don't care at all if my husband wants to go thru my phone.   There's nothing there that he cannot see. 

2. BUT- he also shouldn't feel the NEED to do so.  

I think it all boils to the reason WHY.  Are you doing it to "check up" on the other person?  In which case, not cool.  But if my husband's like " my phone died, can I use yours?"  Sure, nothing on there he can't see. 

That brings up another good point.  My wife's phone was broken for a couple weeks, the data didn't work for reasons I guess.  So when she wanted to look something up and we weren't on wifi she would ask to use my phone.  She looked up her stuff and gave it back to me.  I had absolutely zero issue with this and didn't give a second thought to handing it over to her. She will also reply to texts I get for me while I'm driving as I tend to get a lot of 911 work type messages on occasion.  Staff needing approval for this or that type things.  

So I couldn't care less if my wife uses my phone unless it's under the guise of not trusting me and checking up on my emails or messages.  The issue isn't that she's going to find something it's that she THINKS there is something to find and that is a problem.  

[Cynder]

My bf has an "open phone policy."  This is in regards to his phone.  In other words, I have permission to look through it whenever I want.  But I haven't, and I doubt I ever will because I have no reason to.  And I would have no problem with him looking through my phone either, because I have nothing to hide. 

Our relationship is not a "normal" relationship though.  We are polyamorous and he is married.  (His husband knows about me, everything is up and up.)