Would you let your partner go through your phone?

[Massey]

 

I recently posted a topic on trust and thought I would pose this question.

Having access to, or going through your partner's phone seems to be a huge topic nowadays. My girlfriend and I were chatting about whether or not we would be okay with our partners going through our phones; voluntarily, not behind our backs. That's a different topic altogether. Lol

My question to you is: assuming that you are not doing anything untoward, would you let your partner go through your phone? Or, is this an overstepping of boundaries with regard to one's privacy in general?

If you answer no, you would not want your partner going through your phone; what would your reasons be?

Again, assuming that everything is on the up and up and you're not doing anything inappropriate behind your partner's back.

[boltnrun]

If my partner feels the need to go through my phone that shows they don't trust me. If they don't trust me I'd question why they chose to be in a relationship with me.

That adage "if you have nothing to hide why would you mind?" I refute with "if you think I have something to hide why are you with me?"  And if they conclude that my refusal is due to me having something to hide, I would conclude I'm in the wrong relationship.

[Seraphim]

People have right of ownership even in a relationship and a right to privacy. The only time I have had my husband’s phone is when he was in the hospital this year and I was in contact with one of his friends. I did nothing with it other than contact his friend. Then I added her as a friend on my FB and talked to her from there. 
 

I give him my phone if he needs a loyalty card if he goes into our coffee place to get us a tea. 
 

We don’t just scroll each other’s phones for sh$ts and giggles. 
 

We have been married 29 years and together 34 years. 

[Batya33]

No not if it was for any trust related issue.  Together a total of 20 years, married for almost 15.  If he needed my phone for any reason then sure - and I would trust him with it - I would never ever dream of asking to go through his phone for any trust related reason and I've never had a desire to. It's never come up on either side.

Separately more and more I think we should have each other's passwords. We're in our mid 50s and have a child and -stuff happens! I'm sure he would be fine with it. So yes to privacy and yes where safety takes precedence then for sure access for committed couples especially those with kids or responsibilities for others.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Massey said:

 My girlfriend and I were chatting about whether or not we would be okay with our partners going through our phones; voluntarily, 

Is she ok with it? Are you? 

As soon as policing, controlling and this level of distrust enter a relationship, it's getting toxic. 

Lack of boundaries and respect for privacy and dignity is how to build a pretty bad relationship.

[Seraphim]

Are you guys sharing the account? 

[boltnrun]

Are you the boyfriend or the girlfriend? 

[Massey]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she ok with it? Are you? 

As soon as policing, controlling and this level of distrust enter a relationship, it's getting toxic. 

Lack of boundaries and respect for privacy and dignity is how to build a pretty bad relationship.

My girlfriend said that although she has nothing to hide she wouldn't feel 100% comfortable with her husband or anyone going through her phone.

I kind of feel the same way. I don't have anything to hide from my boyfriend in terms of talking to men or doing anything inappropriate. However, there are conversations on my phone with my girlfriends which are and should remain private.

[Massey]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Are you the boyfriend or the girlfriend? 

The girlfriend.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Massey said:

My girlfriend said that although she has nothing to hide she wouldn't feel 100% comfortable with her husband or anyone going through her phone.

I kind of feel the same way. I don't have anything to hide from my boyfriend in terms of talking to men or doing anything inappropriate. However, there are conversations on my phone with my girlfriends which are and should remain private.

I would feel 0% comfortable with my spouse asking to go through my phone for trust reasons.

[Massey]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Are you guys sharing the account? 

Which account? 

Sorry, I'm not understanding your question. 

[SooSad33]

If it's regarding trust, I don't agree with that . It's like trying to see IF that person's being dishonest and then trying to 'prove yourself', etc.

Fine, if you choose to allow them to see your phone - especially if you ARE being honest and nothing's wrong.

But I dated a guy for 5 yrs, before I became suspicious.  I never went through his phone until my last 2 mos with him.  And yeah, I was right.  I knew things had to end there.

In general though, it should be okay if your partner would like to see or use your phone for something, especially if you are in good terms and all is well and you've been together a good while. As I can see that as just needing it for something specific.

One should be able to see red flags, if they're just assuming stuff, early on in the relationship. Can most likely see that as a deal breaker and get out of it.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Massey said:

My girlfriend said 

Are you trying to post from two different perspectives?

3 minutes ago, Massey said:

The girlfriend.

 

[boltnrun]

OK, so this is two friends discussing their respective partners, your friend regarding her husband and you regarding your boyfriend?

[Seraphim]

29 minutes ago, Massey said:

My girlfriend said that although she has nothing to hide she wouldn't feel 100% comfortable with her husband or anyone going through her phone.

I kind of feel the same way. I don't have anything to hide from my boyfriend in terms of talking to men or doing anything inappropriate. However, there are conversations on my phone with my girlfriends which are and should remain private.

 

27 minutes ago, Massey said:

Which account? 

Sorry, I'm not understanding your question. 

You are alternating saying he and she and my boyfriend and my girlfriend. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

 

You are alternating saying he and she and my boyfriend and my girlfriend. 

I think she's relating a conversation she had with a female friend. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I think she's relating a conversation she had with a female friend. 

Ah ok, the entire thing left me confused. 

[Massey]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Ah ok, the entire thing left me confused. 

Oh I see the confusion! Sorry about that. Yes, when I said girlfriend, I meant my female friend. 

Apologies for that. 

[Massey]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

OK, so this is two friends discussing their respective partners, your friend regarding her husband and you regarding your boyfriend?

Correct; my female friend.

   Sorry, seem to have confused some. And I can see why now that I read back on it. 

[spinstermanquee]

Longtime married and much older than you Massey.  My purse is my sacred place.  My husband has never gone in it unless I specifically asked him to.  There is nothing in there that could embarrass or shame me, but it's MY hallowed ground, organized exactly as I like it and no other hands besides mine should rummage.  As for the phone, if he could remember my passcode 😉 haha

Seriously, if he wanted to go through my phone I would think he was off his rocker.  I've never gone through his "snooping" or for any other reason.  No need.  If he suddenly asked me to look at my phone I'd log it in and hand it to him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for the good explanation to follow.  If he was acting shady I wouldn't look at his phone, I'd talk to him about what he's up to.  Also if I asked to look at his phone for whatever reason, he'd probably hand it straight to me without hesitation (yes I know his passcode by heart, lol, so wouldn't need him to log it in for me).

When you know you're with the right person it just seems natural and you don't have to snoop or ask test questions.  Yes, you might have to have boundaries - I remember telling my then-boyfriend early on about the "purse territory" but that's not the same as trust issues.  Let's hope this "debate" ends in a positive way for all three of the Masseys, lol.

[Massey]

@spinstermanquee

Thank you for your feedback; much appreciated 🙂

And I doubt that you're much older that I am 😉

[Big Stan]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If my partner feels the need to go through my phone that shows they don't trust me. If they don't trust me I'd question why they chose to be in a relationship with me.

That adage "if you have nothing to hide why would you mind?" I refute with "if you think I have something to hide why are you with me?"  And if they conclude that my refusal is due to me having something to hide, I would conclude I'm in the wrong relationship.

Can't put it better than this.  My position 100%

[Jaunty]

If I were in a relationship that even included the possibility of "going through" each other's phones, I hope a friend or family member would take me to get my head examined.   

[catfeeder]

A great study of couple behavior with phones is to ride in a car with lots of them. I typically see one phone charging while the other uses the other's phone to look up stuff, or one phone is the GPS, while the other answers and sends texts for their partner who is driving.

I'd think that if one partner truly suspected that the other was up to no good, they already know the passcode and could just snoop on the sly. Which is sad enough. So I can't imagine one challenging the other to turn over their phone for 'inspection'. If that's really a thing, it sounds blatantly dysfunctional.

[lostandhurt]

If you look hard enough you will find something.

I could care less if my partner looked through my phone but I would wonder why.

I was once told by a woman I loved dearly that she trusted me completely but didn't trust other women.  Having an insecure partner is very tough.

I have a topic for you two.  Why don't you sit down and discuss in detail past sexual partners.  That should be a barn burner.

 Lost