Was she just being nice or...

[TheLambOfDeth]

So I'm a introvert with severe anxiety that has been trying to meet new people, and one of the way is via volunteering. Specifically at this art venue. The event/creative manager there is really nice and the first time I volunteered there she made me a list of places I might like.

The second time I volunteered I was there at the event for quite a quite and she did a lot of trying to help me get out of my shell via light teasing, trying to introduce me to people, encouraging me to do things and to stay. During the night there was too many volunteers(most interns) and she would let them leave but ask me to stay be "she liked holding me hostage" or encouraging me to do karaoke by just going on the stage and stare longingly and stuff. She also mentioned she liked my vibe and little things like that.

The next event I volunteered at, she tried introducing me to her friends (though I botched it) and I wind up leaving early before the after party bc I got too anxious and didn't want to bother. She texted me later saying sorry she lost me.

So I texted later saying sorry and I hope did didn't leave a bad first impression on her friends, and she said no, they loved me and she mentioned shed set up a group hang out soon.

So she invited me to their next event, but told me to just come as a patron, just come to chill and not volunteer, and to the after party later. I said I would and that I would bail like before. So I get there and she comes up and says hi and it's good to see me and how i've been and all that, and I don't say much...and she told me to let her know if I had any questions or anything and that she was at my service. Then...I pretty much avoided her the whole night and never spoke to her again bc I got too anxious and avoided her bc I have a bit of a crush on her. I stayed util like and hour before the after party but then I bailed...again...without saying a word. There was just too many people there and I couldn't approach anyone to talk to them so I just felt too alone and anxious. I texted the next day saying why I bailed and that I hope the after party was fun, but that i didn't want to bother her all night....and she hasn't replied at all....

I feel like I'm over-thinking this bc I have a bit of a crush on her, but objectively, she was being really nice trying to help me meet people and I blew it...twice. Should I just cut my losses and stop volunteering there and not contact her again? IDK it seems weird that she wouldn't reply at all, but I guess I didn't ask a question. For reference, it's not like we text a lot or hung out often or anything, but I just can't really tell if she was just being nice or not...I feel like if she was interested, it would be more visible...

[smackie9]

Don't be so hard on yourself, if you stick with it, things will get better. As for her she's been very patient and understanding of your anxiety, and I can see why that would make you attached to her. Take a breather, then get right back at it with the volunteering. Even if she's just being nice to you, this is a great opportunity to grow out of your anxiety and develop a social circle of friends. running away will only hold you back from having a mentally healthy happy life. Do not give up.

When people don't reply, it means they are busy and will get back to you later. She's not a rude person by nature so she isn't avoiding you.

[TheLambOfDeth]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Don't be so hard on yourself, if you stick with it, things will get better. As for her she's been very patient and understanding of your anxiety, and I can see why that would make you attached to her. Take a breather, then get right back at it with the volunteering. Even if she's just being nice to you, this is a great opportunity to grow out of your anxiety and develop a social circle of friends. running away will only hold you back from having a mentally healthy happy life. Do not give up.

When people don't reply, it means they are busy and will get back to you later. She's not a rude person by nature so she isn't avoiding you.

She has been really, really, really nice and understanding all considered, but everyone's patience runs out. Bc I have a crush on her and don't want to make things weird, I avoid her...which just from her POV must make me seem like a crazy person. I come to the events to be social, tell I will be and that I'll stay for the whole thing, them I don't talk to anyone, and leave early without saying anything...

Yeah but I sent the message on Friday and she hasn't responded. Yes usually replied instantly or in a couple of hours, never more than a couple of days...

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

She has been really nice and understanding all considered, but everyone's patience runs out. Bc I have a crush on her and don't want to make things weird, I avoid her...which just from her POV must make me seem like a crazy person. I come to the events to be social, don't talk to anyone, then leave early without saying anything...

Yeah but I sent the message on Friday and she hasn't responded. Yes usually replied instantly or in a couple of hours, never more than a couple of days...

This just proves your anxiety is making assumptions, and they are and have been incorrect. The only way to break this cycle is to not believe these thoughts. You cannot play into the obsessive negative thoughts. The only way to do it is to push through and never give up. Put them on ignore.

I hope you are working with a behaviour therapist. If not I highly recommend it. They will walk you through uncomfortable situations and discuss what you are feeling and how to deal with your anxiety when it strikes...you learn coping skills.

 

[TheLambOfDeth]

11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This just proves your anxiety is making assumptions, and they are and have been incorrect. The only way to break this cycle is to not believe these thoughts. You cannot play into the obsessive negative thoughts. The only way to do it is to push through and never give up. Put them on ignore.

I hope you are working with a behaviour therapist. If not I highly recommend it. They will walk you through uncomfortable situations and discuss what you are feeling and how to deal with your anxiety when it strikes...you learn coping skills.

 

If those thoughts were inaccurate, she would've replied to my message. My thought process isn't exactly off base.

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

She also mentioned she liked my vibe and little things like that.

...said by a lady who is interested in you.

I'd call her and ask her to dinner as a thank you for all her awesomeness.  Pick a place you've been dying to check out.

It absolutely does not matter you didn't interact much with her last time.

Yay!! You can do it!!!!!!

[tattoobunnie]

44 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

everyone's patience runs out.

One day, you'll get married have kids, and you will learn, that's not true at all.  I think you believe you need to be perfect and say all the right things, but really no one is like this.  We all say and do dumb sh*t.  It's about finding the right person to feel free and accepted to say and do dumb sh*t together.

You got this!!  Rip off the bandaid, and just ask her out; what helps is to have a plan.  Just this band is in town, or this show is at this theater, or this play, blah-blah, or this cuisine.  This way, it's about trying something new; takes the pressure off of you thinking you need to prove yourself on a 1st date.  You don't. 

Relationships that last are about showing up when it really matters.

[Batya33]

I think she was doing what she thought was her job as the coordinator and likes you in that sense.  From the info you provided I'm not sure she's interested that way -if she declines would you be willing to still volunteer there?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

 she said no, they loved me and she mentioned shed set up a group hang out soon.

She seems quite gregarious and inviting you to other events is a good thing. Whether this means she's interested in more is hard to say. 

But going to these events is a win-win situation.  You'll meet more people, get into the inner circle more and it helps with the social anxiety to try mingling in relaxed settings like this.

[TheLambOfDeth]

11 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

...said by a lady who is interested in you.

I'd call her and ask her to dinner as a thank you for all her awesomeness.  Pick a place you've been dying to check out.

It absolutely does not matter you didn't interact much with her last time.

Yay!! You can do it!!!!!!

That sounds weird. No way she'd even pick up, and that sounds like wayyyy too much.

Of course it matters. How could it not? How could it not matter after someone said they'd stay the entire time, they mostly avoided you, and you didn't even tell them you were leaving before you did? lol

6 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

One day, you'll get married have kids, and you will learn, that's not true at all.  I think you believe you need to be perfect and say all the right things, but really no one is like this.  We all say and do dumb sh*t.  It's about finding the right person to feel free and accepted to say and do dumb sh*t together.

You got this!!  Rip off the bandaid, and just ask her out; what helps is to have a plan.  Just this band is in town, or this show is at this theater, or this play, blah-blah, or this cuisine.  This way, it's about trying something new; takes the pressure off of you thinking you need to prove yourself on a 1st date.  You don't. 

Relationships that last are about showing up when it really matters.

You're projecting. I can't even get a date lol. Maybe people in a loving committed relationship have everlasting patience, but a woman in my case absolutely has a limit to her cache of patience. You're talking about chemistry and acceptance...things down develop far down the line. Not things I can expect a woman who barely knows me to have.

lol I'm not asking her on something akin to a date. I'm too scared to ask for coffee, nor way I'm making actual plans.

[TheLambOfDeth]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think she was doing what she thought was her job as the coordinator and likes you in that sense.  From the info you provided I'm not sure she's interested that way -if she declines would you be willing to still volunteer there?

Yeah, that's what I believe as well.

Declines what? I'm not asking her anything...

[TheLambOfDeth]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems quite gregarious and inviting you to other events is a good thing. Whether this means she's interested in more is hard to say. 

But going to these events is a win-win situation.  You'll meet more people, get into the inner circle more and it helps with the social anxiety to try mingling in relaxed settings like this.

The issue is I've made no progress at the events at her venue...she has literally no reason to invite me anywhere if I cant even be social at the place I volunteer at.

[Big Stan]

Every person trying to help you here is getting shot down left and right by you and your justifications.  You really have a couple choices here guy, you can either wallow in your self pity or you can cut the crap and put an effort in.  Bottom line is you have no real idea how this woman feels because you didn't actually ask her.  You're making up your own narratives and your narrative is the "sad sack".  

You're right in thinking no one likes the sad sack, but it's not because of you and who you are it's your negative and defeatist attitude.  Have you no hobbies or special interests that you feel confident in?  Something that you'll feel comfortable explaining to others?  Start there, build up some confidence by participating in something you feel good about. You are not destined to be a social failure and to be alone.  

Literally everyone feels uneasy about social interaction and relating to people is 100% a learned skill.  It IS something you can get better at if you want to do it.  First you have to drop the woe is me garbage though.  You have to realize that your social awkwardness IS IN YOUR POWER TO CHANGE.  

This is coming from someone who was painfully shy and had social awkwardness and now is even in a role where my social skills are the most important part of my job. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

43 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

Every person trying to help you here is getting shot down left and right by you and your justifications.  You really have a couple choices here guy, you can either wallow in your self pity or you can cut the crap and put an effort in.  Bottom line is you have no real idea how this woman feels because you didn't actually ask her.  You're making up your own narratives and your narrative is the "sad sack".  

You're right in thinking no one likes the sad sack, but it's not because of you and who you are it's your negative and defeatist attitude.  Have you no hobbies or special interests that you feel confident in?  Something that you'll feel comfortable explaining to others?  Start there, build up some confidence by participating in something you feel good about. You are not destined to be a social failure and to be alone.  

Literally everyone feels uneasy about social interaction and relating to people is 100% a learned skill.  It IS something you can get better at if you want to do it.  First you have to drop the woe is me garbage though.  You have to realize that your social awkwardness IS IN YOUR POWER TO CHANGE.  

This is coming from someone who was painfully shy and had social awkwardness and now is even in a role where my social skills are the most important part of my job. 

Comments like these aren't really helpful. Of course I don't know how she feels, that's why I tried to provide some context here and get other people's take on the situation. And you're just talking at me, not actually listening...or reading the OP. I started volunteering to participate in something I feel good about art. The issue is, it's hard af to break into the scene if you're not an artist. People are really unapproachable. And sure I have hobbies and things I'm interested in...but I cannot randomly explain those things to strangers are art events. When I'm anxious I don't think of all the random things I know about, and why a bunch of strangers in a group would care. It's different when you're there alone, and everyone else is with a partner or friends. It's awkward. Like you're saying all this stuff about "change" and don't be a "sad sack" but you're just expositing...not actually reading. "Advice" like this doesn't;t help.

[Big Stan]

4 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Comments like these aren't really helpful. Of course I don't know how she feels, that's why I tried to provide some context here and get other people's take on the situation. And you're just talking at me, not actually listening...or reading the OP. I started volunteering to participate in something I feel good about art. The issue is, it's hard af to break into the scene if you're not an artist. People are really unapproachable. And sure I have hobbies and things I'm interested in...but I cannot randomly explain those things to strangers are art events. When I'm anxious I don't think of all the random things I know about, and why a bunch of strangers in a group would care. It's different when you're there alone, and everyone else is with a partner or friends. It's awkward. Like you're saying all this stuff about "change" and don't be a "sad sack" but you're just expositing...not actually reading. "Advice" like this doesn't;t help.

No one's comments are helpful to you because you're taking them and twisting them around to make yourself a victim.  What you haven't figured out yet is the responsibility is on YOU to change.  You need to get over yourself and drop the victimhood.  If there are things you are interested in FIND GROUPS FOR THOSE.  

Why does it have to be an art event or this woman?  Build confidence.  Advice like mine DOES help, you just don't WANT to hear it.  At least now you can't ever say no one ever told you.  Obviously you are more comfortable in self pitying thoughts but thinking that way has gotten you the results you are obviously unhappy with.  Maybe it's time for a change?  Or not, it's your life. 

Also I'm not at all an artist but am very much into the art scene so don't tell me how hard it is to be there.  I have several gallery owners that I am on a first name basis with and have even been to my home.  

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Of course it matters. How could it not? 

You would be surprised.

Just because you have low self-esteem doesn't mean every thought you think is 100% true.  Having a bad attitude and self-sabotage approach to life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you want to give up because you fear rejection; that's on you dude.  Not me.

Anyone can give you ideas on how to meet women 21 days to Sunday, but if you can't just make a move, and see how it goes, can't help you.  

Dating requires practice, and practice makes perfect.  No person, woman or friend or family is the answer to your problems.  You need to just put yourself out there, and ask people out on a date.  And don't take a "no" personally; some people are a better fit than others, but you'll never know if you don't ever ask.

[Big Stan]

5 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Build confidence??...that's what I'm TRYING to do. Just saying "build confidence" is like telling a depressed person to just be happy...it means nothing. Telling someone to just build confidence is silly...if it was that easy I would already be confident, everyone would. Volunteering was my ploy at gaining confidence. Just going to art events alone seemed daunting so I thought volunteering and being with other people would make it easier and make the process not as difficult.

Bc I like art..I have an interest in it, and I expected the pepple there to be more approachable. I didn't pick it at random.

You haven't actually given advice, you're just saying DO THINGS but no actually explaining how or what. Idk what you're doing, but you're not giving advice. You don't under my perspective or situation at all.

Good for you, I guess. Apparently bc someone else can do something, that means it's easy for everyone. I guess winning a super bowl is easy bc Tom Brady did it seven times...

Point is, for me, it is incredibly difficult to be around artsy people, when you're not a creator yourself. Your experiences aren't Indicative of mine. You're a entirely different person and so are you experiences, so maybe stop projecting and being patronizing.

If you like art so much why can you not talk about it?  Every single suggestion people have given you has been defeated by you.  You don't want advice you want someone to do it for you.  That's not going to happen.  You need to realize you are negative and have a serious sense of victimhood and entitlement.  

"I expected the people there to be more approachable" this woman in your OP basically BEGGED you to hang out, and invited you to further events and encouraged you.  That isn't enough for you though is it?  I have bad news for you, she went out of her way to help you feel comfortable.  Most people aren't going to even put THAT level of effort in. No one OWES you comfort and to approach you.  

I will not stop being patronizing because clearly no other advice seems to be helping you either.  You need to recognize that people have tried to help you but it's on YOU to put effort in yourself.  You couldn't even muster up the courage to say goodbye?  Come on man this is piss weak and unacceptable.  No one is going to continue to put effort into helping you when you are unwilling to help yourself.  

With this post you'll get your wish I, like the woman from your OP, am now done.  

[tattoobunnie]

What Big Stan said.  You think we feel awesome all the time, and feel like rock stars???? WOW.  Nope.  We all feel like sh*t time to time, imposters, burnt out, judged, worried.  Fake it till you make it. 

Or at least, take accountability for your own love life.  I have had friends where women threw themselves at them, and no matter what could never take the hint.  If you are convinced because you didn't glom on a person for one night, that was an insult to them, that's on you. That's not reality. That's your reality.  Read that over and over.  That's your reality.  No one can make your life better if you don't help yourself.  

Ask her to do something. The worst that she can say is "No." Trust me, you won't explode into a thousand pieces.  Stay positive.

[lostandhurt]

You volunteered to expose yourself to more social interactions so why stop now?

Because you have a crush on a woman that was extremely nice to you?  Seriously???

 There is zero chance you are going to do or say anything rude or creepy since you can barely talk to her so be brave and get your butt back there as soon as possible. Basically get back on the horse.

 She liked you obviously but whether that was romantically or friendly is hard to tell since we were not there and from what you have said you weren't there either.  You have to stop making excuses, stop bailing on people and force yourself to hang in there and see what happens instead of predicting what will happen.

Keep volunteering, keep trying and please stop hiding behind excuses.  It may be hard, it may be awkward at times and it may even be scary but nothing about what you are trying to do is fatal if you screw up.  Remember that next time.

 What is the worst thing that could happen?  I won't die or be disfigured so why not keep going?

Be brave, be strong and get out of your own way

Lost

[TheLambOfDeth]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

You would be surprised.

Just because you have low self-esteem doesn't mean every thought you think is 100% true.  Having a bad attitude and self-sabotage approach to life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you want to give up because you fear rejection; that's on you dude.  Not me.

Anyone can give you ideas on how to meet women 21 days to Sunday, but if you can't just make a move, and see how it goes, can't help you.  

Dating requires practice, and practice makes perfect.  No person, woman or friend or family is the answer to your problems.  You need to just put yourself out there, and ask people out on a date.  And don't take a "no" personally; some people are a better fit than others, but you'll never know if you don't ever ask.

I mean all of this is pretty true...none of that really applies to this situation. It's funny bc there was this art piece thar had a mirror and I looked into a mirror in depth for the first time in a while, and I thought I happened to look good. Like really good...best I felt in a while. But the anxiety hit and dismantled all that when I realized I was there alone and had no one to talk to and couldn't approach anyone there. And that's how it gets no matter the venue I go. I only expect a "no" or a lack of interest and people just seem unapproachable all the time.

 

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

What Big Stan said.  You think we feel awesome all the time, and feel like rock stars???? WOW.  Nope.  We all feel like sh*t time to time, imposters, burnt out, judged, worried.  Fake it till you make it. 

Or at least, take accountability for your own love life.  I have had friends where women threw themselves at them, and no matter what could never take the hint.  If you are convinced because you didn't glom on a person for one night, that was an insult to them, that's on you. That's not reality. That's your reality.  Read that over and over.  That's your reality.  No one can make your life better if you don't help yourself.  

Ask her to do something. The worst that she can say is "No." Trust me, you won't explode into a thousand pieces.  Stay positive.

It's not about anyone else feeling awesome all the time, it's perception. It's much harder to fake those things in the moment when you're alone and everyone else is I'm groups or with their partner and you're just anxious, and alone in a sea of people.

You're misunderstanding. This isn't one of those cases where a women is throwing herself at a dude, giving clear, obvious hints and signs and he's just oblivious. This isnt akin to that at all. If it was, I'd know. This is much more ambiguous. And I said I'd stay at the event and go to the after party, then I got there, avoided her the whole night, and left without a word. I imagine most people would take that into consideration when that person asks them to do something.

Bc if I ask, and she says no, it'll male volunteering there weird, and I like doing that there.

[Andrina]

How do you think all these people partnered up and found friends to do these activities with? It wasn't by expecting the worst of others, that they'd be ignored when initially beginning a conversation with them.

I think it's too much pressure for you to be asking out a pretty, extroverted woman you've just met whom you have a crush on. From my experience when I volunteered at the zoo, I noticed how, for the manager who oversaw volunteers, that they chose a very charismatic people person, because of course volunteers are free labor, and that type of manager could better retain those free volunteers.

What you should be doing is setting goals at those types of events. Such as going up to three different strangers during the event, and just say, Hi, I'm XYZ. I just started volunteering here. And then ask them something, like what their favorite piece was, or anything organic that would fit naturally into conversation.

And you could start by whom you would least be intimidated by, and work up to those people you would find to be more challenging.

If they ignore you, or don't seem interested, oh well. You're still meeting your goal and practicing social skills. But I believe more often than not, you will receive a positive response because I know I would treat someone kindly who did this. And I can't be the only one. My husband is gregarious and talks up numerous strangers while we shop, and they always respond positively. It's just a word or two and you never see them again. 

Build that concrete foundation of social skills first before venturing into asking women out, when a decent one will expect you to have a fulfilling life other than her. 

[Kwothe28]

Cant find other threads of yours but I am pretty sure you are either the doomer who complained that he can just find women in bars when they approach him or the doomer who complained how he cant find women at all.

In any case, how do you picture woman being interested in you? We as men are often oblivious about the signs somebody is interested. And some women are often really bad at giving those signs. But I am serious, how do you picture woman being interested? Do you really need her to draw a sign that says "I am interested" and throws herself at you? Or you can leave that doomer mentality where you think no woman ever could be interested in yourself, and realize that nobody is that friendly and that she really did flirt with you and even tried to include you in various activities and even introduced you to her friends?

You need to leave that blackpill doomer mentality aside. And if you want a relationship and a girlfriend to risk out a bit and ask her out. You really cant complain how nobody likes you and cant find women. When you get an opportunity like this and you do nothing about it. Because its pretty clear that woman does like you at least in some sense. So you owe it to yourself to at least gather courage and try to ask her out.

[TheLambOfDeth]

28 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Cant find other threads of yours but I am pretty sure you are either the doomer who complained that he can just find women in bars when they approach him or the doomer who complained how he cant find women at all.

In any case, how do you picture woman being interested in you? We as men are often oblivious about the signs somebody is interested. And some women are often really bad at giving those signs. But I am serious, how do you picture woman being interested? Do you really need her to draw a sign that says "I am interested" and throws herself at you? Or you can leave that doomer mentality where you think no woman ever could be interested in yourself, and realize that nobody is that friendly and that she really did flirt with you and even tried to include you in various activities and even introduced you to her friends?

You need to leave that blackpill doomer mentality aside. And if you want a relationship and a girlfriend to risk out a bit and ask her out. You really cant complain how nobody likes you and cant find women. When you get an opportunity like this and you do nothing about it. Because its pretty clear that woman does like you at least in some sense. So you owe it to yourself to at least gather courage and try to ask her out.

Yes, bars are the only place women approach me. And like it said before, I'm not one of those guys who gets clear signs and doesn't notice even. Women clearly interest flirt, touch you, compliment, hover around you and basically force you to give them attention. In a subtle way...its pretty obvious. This isn't the case of me being oblivious, it really does just seem like she's just really nice.

And it's not just me. Half of the posters in this thread mentioned it seems like she's just being nice as well. It seems split down the middle, so clearly it's not just be be too insecure or blind or stuck in some "doomer" mentality.

[Big Stan]

5 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Yes, bars are the only place women approach me. And like it said before, I'm not one of those guys who gets clear signs and doesn't notice even. Women clearly interest flirt, touch you, compliment, hover around you and basically force you to give them attention. In a subtle way...its pretty obvious. This isn't the case of me being oblivious, it really does just seem like she's just really nice.

And it's not just me. Half of the posters in this thread mentioned it seems like she's just being nice as well. It seems split down the middle, so clearly it's not just be be too insecure or blind or stuck in some "doomer" mentality.

Your ACTIONS are what make you insecure and in a doomer mentality.  It has nothing to do with this girl and the girl is irrelevant to the responses you're getting.  Frankly I couldn't care less if the girl is interested in you or not what I care about is how badly you responded in that situation and what you could do to do better the next time you're in it.  

[TheLambOfDeth]

Welp I got my answer, I just asked her to coffee..simple. Not dinner or anything like that. She read the message almost instantly, and no reply. It's been almost an hour. I knew...this is why I have the mindset I do lol.