Need some urgent advice on this- Issues with attending events with/without my boyfriend.

[Andrina]

So, Jupana, after reading all this advice, what is your plan of action?

[Cherylyn]

You can't change people.  Either accept your boyfriend and his family as is or you're the one who has to change and control your life to your favor by eliminating certain people from your life.  Workarounds are taxing and exhausting and this is what you must endure as long as you must interact with your boyfriend and his family.  Those are your choices if enforcing boundaries fail.

[Jupana]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

So, Jupana, after reading all this advice, what is your plan of action?

I have laid my cards on the table with him this evening. I've explained how I felt and he has acknowledged his actions are wrong by involving his family and towards me. He also mentioned points on which he is willing to improve and change. Will give some time to see if it materialises..if not I intend to work on an exit plan out of this relationship. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Jupana said:

I have laid my cards on the table with him this evening. I've explained how I felt and he has acknowledged his actions are wrong by involving his family and towards me. He also mentioned points on which he is willing to improve and change. Will give some time to see if it materialises..if not I intend to work on an exit plan out of this relationship. 

Way to go and good for you!  Good luck!

[Jupana]

Hi everyone, just felt like I could share an update after receiving so much support on the matter last time. 

 

After having had a long serious discussion with my bf last time as per my last post, things have improved as effort is consistent from his end to make sure the focus remains on us and to leave family out of the picture whenever possible.  I myself am feeling much calmer and less anxious too. 

 My sisters wedding is fast approaching and i can't wait for the day. My bf is very supportive and happy about it as well. However I recently checked in with his relatives (who were part of the issue ) to confirm their attendance (out of respect my sister wanted to invite) and his aunt in particular told me that she feels out of place to attend knowing I've been purposely ignoring her and leaving her out of the picture. I have explained that it may be a result of the decision my bf and i took to focus more on us but she kept insisting on how things changed and that I'm not the same person anymore (which is a good thing- no ;)? ) 

I have tried to logically explain things but she kept going on how i no longer go over and call (I used to fact check and stayed chasing truths before...) but she kept inviting my bf and I are heading for disaster as acc to her we are not meeting up so often.

 

I'm fine with her not attending as after all it's her choice but I'm just wondering- in the long run- is this a problem or is it normal to not get along with all family members.. is it something that could potentially break up my relationship and is it something I should seek as a red flag? 

 

Thanks always

 

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, Jupana said:

I have tried to logically explain things

Stop this. You don't owe them an explanation. You need to draw better boundaries for yourself and stop trying to justify your choices to these people. 

23 minutes ago, Jupana said:

s it something that could potentially break up my relationship and is it something I should seek as a red flag? 

Your relationship is full of red flags, Jupana. It's good that things have improved recently between you and your boyfriend but that doesn't undo the serious warning signs all along. He hasn't treated you right for years. 

While it's normal to not get along with certain family members, this family is on another level of meddling and dysfunction. Stop involving them in your relationship, stop engaging with them like this, and stop defending yourself at every turn to them. Just end the conversation and walk away. 

[arjumand]

Miss Canuck is absolutely right. Quit wasting time and energy explaining yourself — they won’t accept explanations and they are keeping you on the defensive when they are the ones behaving badly. They are his family, let him deal with them. Period. He has been involved in severe emotional abuse and manipulation along with them — he needs to make amends HUGELY and keep them within boundaries. 
That is unlikely to happen and you are so inured to crappy behavior that you keep getting involved. Frankly, you should move on and find a nicer guy and figure out why you are willing to put up with so much unacceptable behavior. But if not, he has to set up boundaries and be in your side AT ALL TIMES or you  will stay in a bad situation. 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/20/2023 at 4:02 AM, Jupana said:

Whenever I actually get to rub it off and spend time with my family, I get called names by my boyfriend and even his family, telling me not to ever contact them again or to get our of their lives. 

Please talk only to your own family and trusted friends. It's unclear why your BFs entire family is even invited to your sisters wedding. Why is your family putting up with this?

He and his family are quite abusive to you. They are trying to isolate and brainwash you.  You need to be honest with your own people about this.

[Andrina]

13 hours ago, Jupana said:

I recently checked in with his relatives (who were part of the issue ) to confirm their attendance (out of respect my sister wanted to invite) and his aunt in particular told me that she feels out of place to attend knowing I've been purposely ignoring her and leaving her out of the picture. I have explained that it may be a result of the decision my bf and i took to focus more on us but she kept insisting on how things changed and that I'm not the same person anymore (which is a good thing- no ;)? ) 

I have tried to logically explain things but she kept going on how i no longer go over and call (I used to fact check and stayed chasing truths before...) but she kept inviting my bf and I are heading for disaster as acc to her we are not meeting up so often.

Do you mean on the phone or in person with your bf? If he was there, did he speak up to tell his aunt not to speak to you this way? If not, he hasn't changed. If it were you solely on the phone, you don't know how to establish boundaries. You don't allow a person to go on and on. That's rewarding them by lending your ear. As soon as someone says something negative, you say, "Oh, I have to cut this short. Let me know when you've made your decision." (or whatever the issue). In person, you ask them to leave or you leave when things go awry. You teach them that to have the pleasure of your company, you have to be treated nicely.

But as said, perhaps you've been with him so long you no longer know what normal is. Yes, it's normal to not always get along with family, but there are those that handle it by limiting or ending contact. If you bf can't ensure his family won't regularly aggravate you, and he's part of the problem, then yes, you  shouldn't sacrifice a satisfying life just because you love him. If you held self-love, this would be a dealbreaker.

[boltnrun]

My former husband is Catholic and his mother is VERY Catholic. He went to church every Sunday and I took that opportunity to grocery shop. I planned it so he was home by the time I got back and he could help me unload. He never gave me crap about not going. ONE time his mom said something like "you know, you could go too" and I politely replied "I'm sure I would be welcome, but I'm not Catholic". She never brought it up again and in fact she and I became very close, so much so that even after her son and I divorced we still spend time together. She's a lovely person.

Not ONE time did my husband recruit his family to gang up on me, nor did he ever call me names. That aspect is what I find disturbing about what you said your boyfriend did...that he called you names. How are you going to call someone you claim to love names? Has he apologized for that awful behavior and promised to never do it again?

[Jupana]

@Andrina

The brief conversation I had with one of the relatives was over the phone. 

 

My bf has actually been stepping up for me and they are not liking this change in him towards them -but I am. I have to point out that not all of his family are like this - some are actually really nice and understanding,  never having been disrespectful once with words or actions. 

 

I'm trying to just do what's good for me and saying no to what doesn't serve me. It's challenging not to overrhink but I've been feeling way better. 

[Jupana]

 

Just wondering whether it is possible to maintain boundaries and relationship without these "toxic" people since they are part of family - or whether it is completely impossible to have such situation in a functioning relationship.. just some mind bogging thoughts

[shouldhavelearned]

This is clearly not healthy for either one of you.

Why can't he attend your social or family events and vice versa. Isn't that part of a relationship? It might not be all of them but at least some of them.

After six years it's probably time to cut your losses and find someone that will make you happy.

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, Jupana said:

I'm fine with her not attending as after all it's her choice but I'm just wondering- in the long run- is this a problem or is it normal to not get along with all family members.. is it something that could potentially break up my relationship and is it something I should seek as a red flag? 

 

Thanks always

 

Is it normal to not get along with all family members?  Of course,  it's not optimal nor ideal but yes,  it's normal for millions of families to be incompatible.  I for one can vouch for an abnormal relationship with my sister in particular,  the so-called devout Catholic that she purports to be.  🙄  What a hypocrite.  🤔

After many years of trying to explain anything to her until I was blue in the face,  I've since given up reminiscent of 'divorcing' my sibling.  You can't teach stupid.  I no longer say anything and I've even gone so far as to ghost,  completely ignore invitations nor does my husband or I ever respond to her "help" via text.  Truth be told,  it's been a catharsis and the best strategy we've ever put into habitual practice.  It feels more like relief than anything else. 

Some people are far too high maintenance meaning they're so mentally sick and far gone that interacting with them is simply a waste of your precious time and energy.  It's so much easier to walk away and never look back.  NEVER engage whether verbal,  written,  electronic or otherwise.  Treat some people as if they're dead.

Consider your relationship separate from your aunt and treat each as separate entities. 

[Jupana]

14 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

This is clearly not healthy for either one of you.

Why can't he attend your social or family events and vice versa. Isn't that part of a relationship? It might not be all of them but at least some of them.

After six years it's probably time to cut your losses and find someone that will make you happy.

He attends all my family events

 

[Jupana]

14 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Is it normal to not get along with all family members?  Of course,  it's not optimal nor ideal but yes,  it's normal for millions of families to be incompatible.  I for one can vouch for an abnormal relationship with my sister in particular,  the so-called devout Catholic that she purports to be.  🙄  What a hypocrite.  🤔

After many years of trying to explain anything to her until I was blue in the face,  I've since given up reminiscent of 'divorcing' my sibling.  You can't teach stupid.  I no longer say anything and I've even gone so far as to ghost,  completely ignore invitations nor does my husband or I ever respond to her "help" via text.  Truth be told,  it's been a catharsis and the best strategy we've ever put into habitual practice.  It feels more like relief than anything else. 

Some people are far too high maintenance meaning they're so mentally sick and far gone that interacting with them is simply a waste of your precious time and energy.  It's so much easier to walk away and never look back.  NEVER engage whether verbal,  written,  electronic or otherwise.  Treat some people as if they're dead.

Consider your relationship separate from your aunt and treat each as separate entities. 

Thanks. Thats in fact what I've been doing recently and everything's so much better. I guess these people don't like it when they're ignored ! 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 5/20/2023 at 2:56 AM, Jupana said:

He is different when he is alone - when it's just us two. He reasons and is usually OK. It's only when his family are involved or informed that trouble crops up. I don't understand why he has to involve family family time - this is why I was going to try have a talk with him before considering ending things. 

What do you mean he is different when you're alone and that "he reasons"? 

Does your boyfriend 'allow' you to see your family without him being there or not?  

There are NO good or valid reasons why you should be prevented from seeing your family, or given shyt about it and called names when you do. 

The fact he involves his family is just added noise and nonsense. 

If the answer is yes your boyfriend prevents you from seeing your family without him being present, calls you names etc then I agree with @Wiseman2, your boyfriend is controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. 

Begin taking steps to leave or better yet just leave. This won't get better, in fact it more than likely will get worse until you are totally isolated from your family, friends, the world. 

Do some research, read, learn.  And talk to a qualified professional trained in the field of abusive relationships.

Good luck.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jupana said:

He attends all my family events

What does your family think of him and his family? After 7 years together, where is your relationship going?

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Jupana said:

Thanks. Thats in fact what I've been doing recently and everything's so much better. I guess these people don't like it when they're ignored ! 

Tough luck.  🙄

[lostandhurt]

You seem like a people pleaser which is all fine and good UNTIL you have to deal with people like his family.

 The one thing you need to keep telling yourself is that you are in a relationship with him, not his family and if you never spoke to them again that would be their loss, not yours.

 You can chose your bf and your friends but you cannot chose your family, in laws or not.  There is nothing stating you have to be friends with anyone, especially people that treat you badly no matter the relation.   Be polite to those who are a problem and be friendly to those that treat you well and nothing more.

You owe them NOTHING!!!

 This is your life and your bf's life so stay focused on that and ignore them.  I know many on here have thrown your bf under the bus on this but he may be as much a victim as you.  Could you imagine growing up in his family?  Yikes!  

  I really feel like this is an old country big family type of thing.  What country do you live in?

 Lost

[Jupana]

10 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

This is clearly not healthy for either one of you.

Why can't he attend your social or family events and vice versa. Isn't that part of a relationship? It might not be all of them but at least some of them.

After six years it's probably time to cut your losses and find someone that will make you happy.

As such we always attend events together. The issue arises when it comes to attending alone... and most of the fuss comes from his family not him. But he should back me up

[Jupana]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You seem like a people pleaser which is all fine and good UNTIL you have to deal with people like his family.

 The one thing you need to keep telling yourself is that you are in a relationship with him, not his family and if you never spoke to them again that would be their loss, not yours.

 You can chose your bf and your friends but you cannot chose your family, in laws or not.  There is nothing stating you have to be friends with anyone, especially people that treat you badly no matter the relation.   Be polite to those who are a problem and be friendly to those that treat you well and nothing more.

You owe them NOTHING!!!

 This is your life and your bf's life so stay focused on that and ignore them.  I know many on here have thrown your bf under the bus on this but he may be as much a victim as you.  Could you imagine growing up in his family?  Yikes!  

  I really feel like this is an old country big family type of thing.  What country do you live in?

 Lost

Gozo- and people I'm dealing with are over 60 yrs of age 🙄 

[MissCanuck]

Are these people from a very conservative culture or something?

Their level of involvement in your relationship is bizarre. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Jupana said:

Gozo- and people I'm dealing with are over 60 yrs of age 🙄 

What is the age factor here? I'm almost 57.  Do you mean they should be more mature at their ages? Or that that age is "old?"

[boltnrun]

I would like to know if he admitted calling you names was unacceptable and wrong and if he apologized profusely for doing that and if he promised to never do it again.