My jealousy is getting out of control

[Litteredrockchick]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. I love him dearly but I'm going to end up losing him. He's still very much involved with his ex fiancé's family and friends. I found it difficult to understand when we first met given that they didn't have kids or anything. As our relationship has progressed he has distanced himself from a lot of them. Especially ones who tried causing trouble during the early stages of our relationship. However, her best friend is still very much a larger part of his life than I would like her to be. 

His behaviour when it comes to her is bizarre. He insists it's just a platonic thing. And yet when he goes to meet her for a drink when I'm  ot around, his behaviour is so weird. He'll go totally radio silent then if I message or call him he'll be really cagey. It just makes my spidey sense tingle a bit. And to top it off, there hasn't been one weekend for the last few months that hasn't involved us meeting her for drinks. We only see each other at weekends due to work and distance, and I end up with his ex's best friend who always manages to bring the conversation round to his ex. And I have been told that she does report back to his ex. When I try explaining how uncomfortable I am with all this, he calls me narcissisticly jealous.

So how do I get over this and try and save my relationship? Anybody know how to kill the green eyed monster?

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Litteredrockchick said:

 I try explaining how uncomfortable I am with all this, he calls me narcissisticly jealous.

Sorry this is happening. Trust your instincts. Unfortunately he is prioritizing his ex and her friend.

You shouldn't "get over it", you should get rid of someone who treats you like this.

[boltnrun]

My ex accused me of being "jealous". Turns out he was sleeping with the three women he spent a lot of time with, both in person and over messaging.

They accuse us of being jealous so we'll back off, shut up and let them do their thing without interference from us.

BTW, I too tried being the "cool girlfriend". All that got me was dumped when he decided he wanted to be with one of the side women he was sleeping with. He flat out told me he couldn't respect someone (me) who allowed him to treat them with so much disrespect. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Litteredrockchick said:

So how do I get over this and try and save my relationship?

You have got this all wrong. 

There is nothing for you to get over. You're correctly identifying that your boyfriend is inappropriately close to this woman. That isn't being jealous - it's your gut screaming at you to get away from this guy. No man who values his partner is going to be this close to another woman, and especially not one who is connected to his ex. 

Sorry, OP. You need to find a different boyfriend. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Litteredrockchick said:

When I try explaining how uncomfortable I am with all this, he calls me narcissisticly jealous.

This is called deflection. He is trying to make you jealous girlfriend so he can continue to hang out with his ex best friend. Why? Who knows? Maybe he is trying to get into a good grace with his ex since he keeps her best friend and even family so close. Or even likes her best friend.

But that is not on you to find out. He showed you that doesnt respect your boundaries. And that he is willing to even call you like you have a personality dissorder just so he can continue to do what he does. That is enough for you to just move away from somebody like that. That man would never respect you. 

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't call your feelings "jealousy."  If I were you,  I'd feel extremely disrespected.  Usually a man (or woman but referring to a man here),  exercises common sense when it comes to honoring his girlfriend (or wife) regarding whom he associates with especially if there's an awkward tie or connection to his previous relationship.  If he were a decent human being,  he would've cut them off including this friend whom he and his ex-fiance mutually share.  He's extremely rude and dishonorable.  He lacks integrity.  He wouldn't know the definition of discretion and discernment if it hit him on the head.  😣

You have every right to feel resentful and embittered as I would feel the same exact way.  Your boyfriend needs to honor both you and himself regarding his behavior whether he's with you or not.  It is indeed odd for him to be still very much involved with his ex-fiance's family and friends.  You need to tell him he can't have it both ways with them and you.  Either they go or you go.  Then to add insult to injury her best friend (your boyfriend's ex-fiance's best friend) has excessive access to your boyfriend,  meeting him frequently and you know what they say;  two's company,  three's a crowd.  This threesome is abnormal and intolerable for you.  I wouldn't like it either.  She reports back to his ex which is messy,  deceitful and a form of betrayal.

Being with your boyfriend and his ex-fiance's best friend is a very weird social arrangement.

Your boyfriend is gaslighting you.  Gaslighting is deflecting,  changing the subject to make it look like as if there is something wrong with YOU,  name calling and manipulating the conversation so you're at fault and not he.  It's the oldest,  nastiest trick in the book.  He's playing you for a fool.   He calls you a jealous narcissist.  He doesn't sound like a winner to me.  ☹️

You can't get over this.  He won't change for you.  He is who he is.  He'll do what he wants anyway with or without your presence. 

Never let him brainwash you into thinking you're jealous and there is something fundamentally wrong with you.  He's the mentally sick one.  Not you.  He's a bad apple and an automatic reject.

You need to dump him!

[Andrina]

Haven't you ever heard the term "hiding in plain sight?" That's what he's obviously doing. There is a difference between unjustified jealousy and justified jealousy. You're coo-coo for staying one more second with this jerk, but you're not they type of coo-coo he's saying you are for being uncomfortable with inappropriate nonsense.

Whatever improvements you've seen are not enough. Dump him so you're free to find a man who knows how to be a decent partner.

[Batya33]

I am all for spouses/partners keeping up friendships including close friends no matter what the gender -for me the conditions are it is platonic or if there is some vestiges of attraction (like it's someone they dated in the past) those vestiges are completly inconsequential on both ends and the actions reflect platonic only - and  that the other spouse is comfortable and is included to the extent she can be. And no date like activities or "playing with fire".  

He is wayyy too close to her. Inappropriately close to her and her people. Your concerns are well-founded.  Don't be played for a fool -he doesn't deserve you.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Litteredrockchick said:

 My jealousy is getting out of control

You're "jealousy" isn't out of control, your BF is. End it before you experience more gaslighting and headaches and heartaches.

[Litteredrockchick]

Thanks for all your advice and for convincing me of what I already knew. I ended the relationship this morning. 

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, Litteredrockchick said:

Thanks for all your advice and for convincing me of what I already knew. I ended the relationship this morning. 

Good for you for having way more self-esteem than I did.  I sadly put up with that BS for FOUR years.  Even dated him twice (first time for a bit less than a year).  Stupid me.

I'm glad you didn't do what I did.  I'm impressed.