In love with someone emotionally unavailable

[Sarah Smith]

I need any advice I can get😪

So I ended up in a relationship with someone I’m 99,99% sure is very emotionally unavailable.

He used to be amazing in the start. He gave me so much effort and made me feel great about myself. What we had was amazing. That was when he was still “chasing me”. 
 

But then I made him feel emotionally secure and made sure he knows I care. And he slowly completely stopped having any sort of effort…

He also flakes on me all the time, cancels plans last minute for no reason. Choses his friends over me (exmpl: ditched me last minute to hang with friends when I cooked a surprise dinner, I told him and he still didn’t show up) Is not emotionally supportive. Gets angry and defensive when I kindly tell him how his behavior makes me feel. He takes hours to text back. Doesn’t even want to sleep with me anymore. I’m not even among his top priorities. And he refuses to talk about anything that has anything to do with the future, aka he’s scared of true commitment.

 I told him he makes me feel worthless. He just got angry. So I broke up with him.

The next day he started texting and snapping me like nothing happened. He told me he would come see me to fix things. Stupid me agreed. And when he was supposed to show up and didn’t, I texted him where he was. And he just responded with that he isn’t in the mood for a serious conversation today, he just wants to relax and eat food, then he proceeded to go smoke weed with his buddies instead of saving our relationship 🥴 ps this was the third time in a row he canceled on me last minute, and this time it was so important too

When I called him to confront him, he didn’t respond.

Then late at night he called back. I told him I feel horrible and that I would need his support and if he wants to come see me (I dont have a car at the moment, he does). He told me if I wanna see him, I can uber to him… (he offered to pay, but still, the audacity..)

I hung up and haven’t spoken to him since.

And he still sends me these snapchats that he sends to everyone in his list. Like nothing happened. It makes me angry because it reminds me how he never really cared about me..

How do I let go? How do I stop caring? At first I really thought we had something special. He is the first guy I’ve opened myself to and dared to be vulnerable after my last relationship that was abusive (several years ago).

my problem is that I’m still stuck in the fantasy of how amazing he was in the very beginning! (Bare in mind, the honeymoon phase shouldn’t even be over yet, we had only been together for a couple of months)

He blamed me for our problems because “I keep trying to have serious conversations” because I brought up how he made me feel to fix things…

How do I de-attach?

[Kwothe28]

If the man is emotionally unavailable there is nothing for you there. You asking him to care about you is like asking the beggar for the money. He just doesnt have an emotional capacity to care. He was available to you until he "hooked" you up. But detached when he saw you made emotional connection there. That kind of man is not a good relationship material. Because he isnt emotionally available to anybody but his own desires.

Its good that you broke up. Remain that and block him on everything, including Snapchat. In time and with "no contact" you will see that he wasnt the one for you and could move on. 

[Sarah Smith]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If the man is emotionally unavailable there is nothing for you there. You asking him to care about you is like asking the beggar for the money. He just doesnt have an emotional capacity to care. He was available to you until he "hooked" you up. But detached when he saw you made emotional connection there. That kind of man is not a good relationship material. Because he isnt emotionally available to anybody but his own desires.

Its good that you broke up. Remain that and block him on everything, including Snapchat. In time and with "no contact" you will see that he wasnt the one for you and could move on. 

Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

I told him he makes me feel worthless. . I told him I feel horrible and that I would need his support and if he wants to come see me

 You made the right call ending things. Sorry this happened but considering how rude and selfish he is, you dodged a bullet.

This has nothing to do with commitmentphobia or emotional unavailability. This is just a selfish clown who took you for granted because unfortunately you tolerated shabby treatment for too long .

Your feelings are not his responsibility.  Telling someone they make you feel worthless is not "being vulnerable", it's just a mistake to put a jerk like this on a pedestal and believe that his frat boy behaviors is a measurement of your value as a person.

The best thing you can do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps

A few sessions with a qualified therapist to explore why you keep getting into abusive relationships could help you cut your losses sooner when you see signs of gross disrespect.

[Sarah Smith]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 You made the right call ending things. Sorry this happened but considering how rude and selfish he is, you dodged a bullet.

This has nothing to do with commitmentphobia or emotional unavailability. This is just a selfish clown who took you for granted because unfortunately you tolerated shabby treatment for too long .

Your feelings are not his responsibility.  Telling someone they make you feel worthless is not "being vulnerable", it's just a mistake to put a jerk like this on a pedestal and believe that his frat boy behaviors is a measurement of your value as a person.

The best thing you can do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps

A few sessions with a qualified therapist to explore why you keep getting into abusive relationships could help you cut your losses sooner when you see signs of gross disrespect.

That’s very wise. Thank you! Yes I should absolutely address what within myself makes me chose toxic partners 

[Batya33]

How long was he treating you with respect and caring? Of course he’s emotionally available. He just chooses to act like a jerk and unfortunately you chose to tolerate it.  Are you available for healthy give and take ?  Or was the sort of challenge of getting him to be with you or show the respect he did in the beginnings safer than being with someone who wanted to be with you and showed it - then the thrill of the chase is over and it means being emotional and vulnerable with someone who is solidly in your life which for some can be boring or “uh oh I’m losing feelings “

why did you keep giving him chances to act like a jerk ? You used words but still showed up for him and cooked dinner etc

In ancient times in the 80s I dated a guy for a couple if months - early 20s. He was sort of cold and distant - a challenge. And - constantly late for our dates with no apology.

One night he arrived 30 minutes late. Waiting downstairs in the car. I went downstairs. 30 minutes later. No cell phones etc he asked me why I was so late and I said (keep in mind passive aggressive was not a thing yet) “oh so you were so late that I had to redo my makeup.”  
he was actually more timely after that. 

I’d avoid the psycho speak labels and avoid telling yourself stories like that when someone is simply treating you disrespectfully and thoughtlessly.  Then do what you need to do to have proper boundaries and if you insist on coming back for more ask yourself why. And stick to the most basic answers. That’s usually why. I hope you feel much better. 
 

[Andrina]

5 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

cancels plans last minute for no reason.

This was the point you should have exited, without any other words from you but "This relationship isn't working for me." No explaining about how you feel, which is pleading for him to change his poor ethics and crappy personality. 

Communication is key in a relationship, but his behavior isn't that of a decent person, so it's dealbreaker behavior.

5 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

I’ve opened myself to and dared to be vulnerable after my last relationship that was abusive (several years ago).

You still have a lot of work to do on yourself, since you still lack the self-love to do what's best for yourself in the dating world. You're hung up on who you saw through rose-colored glasses, which was a fantasy.

Block him, because you are keeping yourself tethered to toxic fumes. He showed only his good side at the beginning. Now that he met his goal of getting what he wanted from you, he doesn't want to put in the effort to be what a bf should be, and he can reveal he's a jerk, because it's easier for him. He will now move on to his next prey.

Be alone and work on a fulfilling life solo for now. Read books on self-love. Make a must-have and dealbreaker list for when you venture back into the dating world and stick to it. Women are often nurturing by nature, but you can't give chances for dealbreaker activity to the detriment of your own well-being. You have to have your own back, because ultimately nobody else can do this for you. Take care.

[Sarah Smith]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

This was the point you should have exited, without any other words from you but "This relationship isn't working for me." No explaining about how you feel, which is pleading for him to change his poor ethics and crappy personality. 

Communication is key in a relationship, but his behavior isn't that of a decent person, so it's dealbreaker behavior.

You still have a lot of work to do on yourself, since you still lack the self-love to do what's best for yourself in the dating world. You're hung up on who you saw through rose-colored glasses, which was a fantasy.

Block him, because you are keeping yourself tethered to toxic fumes. He showed only his good side at the beginning. Now that he met his goal of getting what he wanted from you, he doesn't want to put in the effort to be what a bf should be, and he can reveal he's a jerk, because it's easier for him. He will now move on to his next prey.

Be alone and work on a fulfilling life solo for now. Read books on self-love. Make a must-have and dealbreaker list for when you venture back into the dating world and stick to it. Women are often nurturing by nature, but you can't give chances for dealbreaker activity to the detriment of your own well-being. You have to have your own back, because ultimately nobody else can do this for you. Take care.

Yep absolutely great advice. I think I need to work on self love.

Yep, I definitely stayed too long after his bad behavior started showing. I kept making excuses for him and hoped it would get better☹️

[Lambert]

5 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

How do I de-attach?

You act like you are detached. You block him on all avenues to contact you. No social media. No phone calls. No text. No discussion about him or what's happening with him with your mutual friends. 

You tell yourself over and over that this guy sucks and you love yourself too much to allow this to continue.

And you DO It!

Stop telling yourself excuses about him and his reasons, what he used to be etc.  he's a joke. And you get yourself away from him.  

[Sarah Smith]

13 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You act like you are detached. You block him on all avenues to contact you. No social media. No phone calls. No text. No discussion about him or what's happening with him with your mutual friends. 

You tell yourself over and over that this guy sucks and you love yourself too much to allow this to continue.

And you DO It!

Stop telling yourself excuses about him and his reasons, what he used to be etc.  he's a joke. And you get yourself away from him.  

Thank you

[smackie9]

He's got that personality where he likes the chase/thrill, but doesn't like what happens afterwards. It's boring to him, he's not into "serious" because there's no stimulus there. It's not purposeful, it confuses him too, it's frustrating so he gets agitated/lashes out. He's a dud. Someone like yourself that is vulnerable falls hard and finds it hard to get out. He lavished/feed your self esteem with attention, etc. Everything you could ever want. It's very addicting.

My friend was in your shoes, but the guy did warn her that the relationship will probably be over in three months. He knew he had a problem. She was recently divorced, low self esteem and she didn't want to believe it, she was so infatuated. And sure as $%^#@, he dumped her at the 2 1/2 mark. She was crying to me about it, telling me how it destroyed her.

Please don't take this personally even tho it's hard not to but, there's just something wrong mentally with people like this, and it has nothing to do with you. I would say he's a bit of a narcissist. They do what they want, they hate confrontation, divert blame, act like nothing happened, hate being called out and how dare you break up them!! They just can't handle anyone taking power/control like you did. So the way to get over it is look at the bad stuff not the good. Bring on the anger....he's a total jerk. He was just awful to you. Hopefully the dopamine will wear itself off in no time.

[Cherylyn]

You let go and stop caring by having more self confidence and higher self esteem for yourself. 

Stop living in a fantasy,  splash cold water on your face and face real life with real people in it;   warts and all.  Then you will have a very sobering reality check and get your head unstuck from the clouds.

Know he was gaslighting you.  Gaslighting is deflecting,  changing the subject,  constantly accusing you of being crazy,  never addressing the topics / subjects / issues and you're left defending yourself all the time.  Get off the carousel and never interact with gaslighters because they're trashy people. 

You detach by getting a life.   Pay attention to getting healthy,  exercise regularly,  eat healthy,  immerse yourself into hobbies or whatever strikes your fancy,  enjoy a social life with very moral friends / family,  read books (library?),  watch movies,  join church (if you're faith based),  get involved in your community (charities?),   join local walking groups (MeetUps ?),  enroll in a class,  etc.  Your options are limitless.  Become so busy that you'll no longer care for "garbage" type people.  They're not worth it.  Create an enriched life for yourself.  Make positive changes so you can heal your mind. 

In the past,  I loved certain abusive people no matter what and even went so far as to remember my husband's late grandmother's quote:  "Find the good in everyone."  Well,  I've arrived at the conclusion that quote only gets you so far.  It's those bad memories of certain ugly, nasty people and what they were capable of inflicting which truly leaves a sour taste in my mouth.  They've caused me immeasurable amounts of insults,  offenses,  disrespect,  pain and grief.  People never forget how you made them feel.  It's a reminder that abusive people really need to be eliminated from my life and should our paths cross (if they're unavoidable such as in public / relatives / in-laws / whomever),  I simply enforce extremely strict boundaries with them.  It seems the older I get,  the less patience I have with some people and I no longer tolerate their ________.   You need to grip this type of mindset.  This is how you detach.

[Sarah Smith]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He's got that personality where he likes the chase/thrill, but doesn't like what happens afterwards. It's boring to him, he's not into "serious" because there's no stimulus there. It's not purposeful, it confuses him too, it's frustrating so he gets agitated/lashes out. He's a dud. Someone like yourself that is vulnerable falls hard and finds it hard to get out. He lavished/feed your self esteem with attention, etc. Everything you could ever want. It's very addicting.

My friend was in your shoes, but the guy did warn her that the relationship will probably be over in three months. He knew he had a problem. She was recently divorced, low self esteem and she didn't want to believe it, she was so infatuated. And sure as $%^#@, he dumped her at the 2 1/2 mark. She was crying to me about it, telling me how it destroyed her.

Please don't take this personally even tho it's hard not to but, there's just something wrong mentally with people like this, and it has nothing to do with you. I would say he's a bit of a narcissist. They do what they want, they hate confrontation, divert blame, act like nothing happened, hate being called out and how dare you break up them!! They just can't handle anyone taking power/control like you did. So the way to get over it is look at the bad stuff not the good. Bring on the anger....he's a total jerk. He was just awful to you. Hopefully the dopamine will wear itself off in no time.

You are totally right. The thought that he could be a narcissist actually crossed my mind, but just brushed it off because I hoped it was unlikely dated two narcissists in a row🥴

Thank you!

[Sarah Smith]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You let go and stop caring by having more self confidence and higher self esteem for yourself. 

Stop living in a fantasy,  splash cold water on your face and face real life with real people in it;   warts and all.  Then you will have a very sobering reality check and get your head unstuck from the clouds.

Know he was gaslighting you.  Gaslighting is deflecting,  changing the subject,  constantly accusing you of being crazy,  never addressing the topics / subjects / issues and you're left defending yourself all the time.  Get off the carousel and never interact with gaslighters because they're trashy people. 

You detach by getting a life.   Pay attention to getting healthy,  exercise regularly,  eat healthy,  immerse yourself into hobbies or whatever strikes your fancy,  enjoy a social life with very moral friends / family,  read books (library?),  watch movies,  join church (if you're faith based),  get involved in your community (charities?),   join local walking groups (MeetUps ?),  enroll in a class,  etc.  Your options are limitless.  Become so busy that you'll no longer care for "garbage" type people.  They're not worth it.  Create an enriched life for yourself.  Make positive changes so you can heal your mind. 

In the past,  I loved certain abusive people no matter what and even went so far as to remember my husband's late grandmother's quote:  "Find the good in everyone."  Well,  I've arrived at the conclusion that quote only gets you so far.  It's those bad memories of certain ugly, nasty people and what they were capable of inflicting which truly leaves a sour taste in my mouth.  They've caused me immeasurable amounts of insults,  offenses,  disrespect,  pain and grief.  People never forget how you made them feel.  It's a reminder that abusive people really need to be eliminated from my life and should our paths cross (if they're unavoidable such as in public / relatives / in-laws / whomever),  I simply enforce extremely strict boundaries with them.  It seems the older I get,  the less patience I have with some people and I no longer tolerate their ________.   You need to grip this type of mindset.  This is how you detach.

I actually didn’t even realize it was gaslighting, thank you! 
and sorry you had to go through that aswell, wish you all the best

[SooSad33]

Yeah, you detach by simply stop responding & giving in to him.

He already lacks in ability to show he actually cares much. And has done it several times.

All replies make a lot of sense.  Your lack of self worth, self esteem, etc. You need to be stronger than this and yes, realize your self worth and what it is you do deserve!

You admit how you cave in each time he reaches out .. and give him another chance, etc. So now, in order to be strong & just walk away from it all, you just stop - everything. Be done!

HE needs to grow up and learn how to appreciate someone. And by sounds of it, it'll be a good while yet. So, you dodged a bullet, so to say 😉 . We live & we learn.. right?

And in order to work on getting over all of this and him, is to just stop everything with him.  No to meeting up... no to talking anymore etc. It may be hard for a little while, but it will get easier.

One day at a time.. meanwhile, keep busy. Hang with friends. family etc. And get on with your life.  I'm pretty sure, if you give him nothing more, you WILL begin to feel less stress, anxious, etc in the next cpl weeks 🙂 .  

Be good to yourself.  Learn what you do deserve in your life. ( which is someone who does appreciate you for real).  

 

[Sarah Smith]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, you detach by simply stop responding & giving in to him.

He already lacks in ability to show he actually cares much. And has done it several times.

All replies make a lot of sense.  Your lack of self worth, self esteem, etc. You need to be stronger than this and yes, realize your self worth and what it is you do deserve!

You admit how you cave in each time he reaches out .. and give him another chance, etc. So now, in order to be strong & just walk away from it all, you just stop - everything. Be done!

HE needs to grow up and learn how to appreciate someone. And by sounds of it, it'll be a good while yet. So, you dodged a bullet, so to say 😉 . We live & we learn.. right?

And in order to work on getting over all of this and him, is to just stop everything with him.  No to meeting up... no to talking anymore etc. It may be hard for a little while, but it will get easier.

One day at a time.. meanwhile, keep busy. Hang with friends. family etc. And get on with your life.  I'm pretty sure, if you give him nothing more, you WILL begin to feel less stress, anxious, etc in the next cpl weeks 🙂 .  

Be good to yourself.  Learn what you do deserve in your life. ( which is someone who does appreciate you for real).  

 

Thank you!

[MissCanuck]

21 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

And he still sends me these snapchats that he sends to everyone in his list

You need to begin by blocking him everywhere. You are not helping yourself by staying connected on social media in any way. 

21 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

How do I let go? How do I stop caring?

Time, patience, and cutting all ties. 

7 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

The thought that he could be a narcissist actually crossed my mind

Nobody here has anywhere near enough information about him to decide if he's a narcissist. Only a qualified medical professional can make that assessment. But you can certainly seek out some support why you have now twice wound up with men who don't treat you right. That will yield more results in the long run. 

[Batya33]

I agree with Canuck and also don't let yourself get away with the cliche/abstraction "gotta work on self love"- what will you do today to show yourself that you are a person who cares about herself and her well being physically and emotionally, who gives to others from a standpoint of reasonable confidence - what specific actions are you taking today? Here are some examples of what I did yesterday to reinforce this so you see what I am talking about?

I worked out (daily for me), drank enough water, told my husband and son who I was traveling with not to disturb me and my friend who I hadn't seen in over 5 years while we managed to have coffee for a half hour at the hotel - they came over for a minute and they understood when I said "privacy please - say hello and let me visit"- instead of "ohhhhh I'm a mom -how can I exclude my teenager??". Watch me. 

I later walked out of a restaurant to "get some air" after being berated by a relative's spouse who was trying to get me to debate about all sorts of charged sensitive political issues and I wasn't having it.  Again -boundaries - being a "nice girl" means you stay and endure harassment but I didn't want to have stomach cramps and be stressed out before a long flight home.  

I never  thought yesterday "got to work on self love" - what helps me is every day if I can I reinforce boundaries, I give to others with a peaceful perspective because I'm doing it cause I want to not because I feel an obligation to be "nice"- and I tell my son when needed "I don't care if you like me right now -I'm your mother, I'm keeping you safe - so - the answer is no and it's fine if you're frustrated."  Practice makes near perfect.  I highly recommend it.  Big and small actions.