Exposure/Immersion Therapy (somewhat forced)

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

We never are on camera for Teams meetings. So no worries there!

We always are for weekly staff!  And at my son's school we're required to be for monthly PTA meetings which are during my lunch time.  Which is why I don't join those.

[Cherylyn]

Well,  I look at it this way:  Even though it's a hassle to show up for work and be back in the mainstream in that capacity,  it's survival to be part of the rat race.  It sure beats the alternative which is no steady paycheck,  no benefits,  excruciating headaches and stress due to unemployment.  I'm grateful for food on the table and a roof over our heads.  None of it is free.  Sink or swim.  Work hard or starve.  I count my numerous blessings!  Millions of people have it far worse than I have and my mother always taught me gratitude. 

[catfeeder]

Congrats on the anxiety side of this, Bolt.

Your commuter concerns are perfectly valid. This is a life-changing imposition beyond the driving. It's added expenses, preparation during your free time and so many micro and macro changes in the way you've been accustomed to living every day.

I'm impressed that you value your job enough to pivot on such immediate notice. Yet I mostly relate to your resistance to doing so. 

My company moved our HQ from 10 minutes away from me to an hour away. Then we were told that everyone within our state plus all bordering states MUST work in the office Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Period.

The new site is an open plan without assigned work spaces. My saving grace has been being part of the only team that has never had laptops. We're an art department that works on giant iMacs. We were informed of an order for laptops but have been shielded while they have yet to come through.

My fear has been losing one or both of my bosses who live about an hour and a half away and were not happy. However, they've also been pushing boundaries over time to increase their remote days.

So you may find in time that your company may not remain as rigid as you might believe at this time. At least that's my hope for you.

[poorlittlefish]

On 5/5/2023 at 2:05 AM, gamon said:

Did you ever actually have COVID? If so did you get really sick and almost die?

I'm gonna guess that the answer is no to being really ill to the point of dying.

The fear of COVID is for the most part irrational and way overblown. I think it should be dealt with like any other anxiety producing thing- deal with it don't avoid it.

The whole mask thing didn't do much more than postpone the inevitable. People are going to catch it anyway and by wearing masks we're artificially defeating our own immune systems by blocking the stuff it needs to stay active and protect us.

Unless you're severely immunocompromised, lose the mask and face COVID straight on.

 

Covid is/was a very polarising subject, but I agree with this.  I was never fearful of Covid, but worked with someone who was absolutely terrified.  I carried on my life as normally as society allowed me to, while she was the complete opposite.  The irony was that we contracted Covid at the same time and we were both fine, despite my perceived lack of protection and her doubling down. 

It is extremely difficult to get over an anxiety once it's set in, so I feel for you.  When I had therapy for an eating disorder, I was convinced that if I didn't do certain things then I would suffer for it.  My therapist asked me whether I saw most other people doing those things and my answer was no.  His response was, "What does that tell you?"  It told me that most people live normal, happy and unrestricted lives despite not doing the fear-based behaviours I was doing.  As you look around you now, you're seeing that most people have realised that masks were nothing more than comfort blankets and that Covid is not a threat unless you're very elderly or already have serious health problems.

Please get yourself to a good therapist.  They will help you question your thinking and give you the courage to ditch or reduce your fear-based behaviours so you can become happier and live normally.

[Batya33]

One of the reasons I took the major paycut I did when I returned to working outside the home at age 50/7 years being a full time mom/ and opted for part time/mostly telework with an hours cap was because I didn't want the stress of each and every time my child was too sick for school/school was randomly closed/delayed for weather -but offices were open -to be that person who says "sorry Munchkin has ____ so I'm going to be late/miss a meeting/racing to school to pick him up early, etc". 

I wanted to feel and be a team player/reliable hard working.  The paycut was well worth the lesser stress/anxiety of juggling work and a small child and no family around plus husband who worked unpredictable hours/ constant travel.  Sure I could have hired nannies/sitters/back up sitters but that wasn't our preference.

This way either my child related situations are unnoticed/invisible because I'm not working at that time anyway or if they are they are extremely rare. I had to miss one meeting in almost 7 years because my son was ill and it was a nonissue.

So I feel for people who don't have that option -working part time and or massive paycut is not an option (meaning if you insisted on finding a position that continued to be teleworking).  I agree it's a major shift and so much of the shift is invisible to the employer or not acknowledged -like a parent's invisible labor of doing all the parenting things - what Catfeeder pointed out is a given for in person work but when it's a shift as in your case that requires ramping up again/buying more office clothes/all those hidden expenses (I mean even bringing/paying for lunch,etc).  

I wish you the best and I love hearing about the strides you've made away from the anixety!!

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Please get yourself to a good therapist.  They will help you question your thinking and give you the courage to ditch or reduce your fear-based behaviours so you can become happier and live normally.

As I mentioned in my OP I received intensive treatment from medical professionals for over a year and dialed down to two and then one appointment per month after making tremendous progress. I have discontinued nearly all of my fear-based behaviors.  I am happy.

People dealt with it the best they could, including me.  

[boltnrun]

Thanks @catfeeder

There doesn't seem to be any indication we will go back to remote work.   The higher ups seem to want us in person.  And that's fine.  That's how pretty much everyone worked before the pandemic hit anyway.

I am proud of myself for not being nearly as anxious and fearful as I thought I might have been.  Two and a half years ago I would have had a total meltdown over the idea of having to go into the office.

Interestingly, in late 2020 after I'd quit my previous job (which was an environment where I would have had to work shoulder to shoulder with over a hundred people every day) I got a temp office job where I was required to be in the office every day.  The other two ladies in my department were allowed to work from home but not me.  That was when there was a mask mandate (which the company did not enforce) and meetings were not supposed to be allowed (again, which the company ignored).  I left that job because it required nearly a four hour commute (!) and paid poorly.  But it got me back out there working, so at least there was that benefit.  And that experience combined with some of my previous work experience got me the job I have now, so I am very grateful.

I love this job.  It plays right into my skill set and my coworkers are terrific people.  The work and industry are interesting.  And the bonus is, it pays more than any job I've had previously.  By a LOT.  I get to work in a room by myself.  The atmosphere is relaxed.  I get a lot of praise for my efforts.  And less than a year after getting hired I already got a raise.  So if I have to deal with a commute, oh well.

I could move closer to the office but I don't want to.  I love my neighborhood and I'm very close to my kids (less than ten minutes by car).  I can walk out my front door, take a left, walk one block and be at the beach.  So for now I'm staying put.

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

One of the reasons I took the major paycut I did when I returned to working outside the home at age 50/7 years being a full time mom/ and opted for part time/mostly telework with an hours cap was because I didn't want the stress of each and every time my child was too sick for school/school was randomly closed/delayed for weather -but offices were open -to be that person who says "sorry Munchkin has ____ so I'm going to be late/miss a meeting/racing to school to pick him up early, etc". 

I wanted to feel and be a team player/reliable hard working.  The paycut was well worth the lesser stress/anxiety of juggling work and a small child and no family around plus husband who worked unpredictable hours/ constant travel.  Sure I could have hired nannies/sitters/back up sitters but that wasn't our preference.

This way either my child related situations are unnoticed/invisible because I'm not working at that time anyway or if they are they are extremely rare. I had to miss one meeting in almost 7 years because my son was ill and it was a nonissue.

So I feel for people who don't have that option -working part time and or massive paycut is not an option (meaning if you insisted on finding a position that continued to be teleworking).  I agree it's a major shift and so much of the shift is invisible to the employer or not acknowledged -like a parent's invisible labor of doing all the parenting things - what Catfeeder pointed out is a given for in person work but when it's a shift as in your case that requires ramping up again/buying more office clothes/all those hidden expenses (I mean even bringing/paying for lunch,etc).  

I wish you the best and I love hearing about the strides you've made away from the anixety!!

Yes,  me too,  @Batya33.  I was a SAHM when my sons were tiny.  Even though I have local relatives and in-laws,  everyone is employed full time and very busy with their own lives.  Fortunately,  my husband is a great provider and we could live a very stable and content family life in the suburbs.  We did not have to live on a shoestring budget nor sustain debts.  However,  we didn't live extravagantly either.  Even to this day,  we live a fairly conservative yet very enjoyable and economically comfortable life. 

There is NO substitute for a mother's love and thorough care for her children.  I was very blessed and lucky to be able to watch my sons grow up.  ❤️  I thoroughly savored being in "Martha Stewart" mode,  too.   😊  

[boltnrun]

This doesn't have to do with working in the office, but I am currently out of town. I drove a few hours to the city I used to live.

I am doing many things that I was completely unable to do before. I'm impressed with myself, I must say 😆

I'm supposed to meet my friend and her daughter for dinner but I got here so quickly that I have three hours to kill. I'm eating hummus and pretzels and drinking apple juice I bought from the little convenience store downstairs. I'm going to go shopping before I meet them. All things I couldn't have done eighteen months ago. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I thoroughly savored being in "Martha Stewart" mode,  too.   😊  

What??? You were in prison???? LOL just kidding. When I was a mother's helper in the early 80s and lived at a beach house for the summer -two kids under 6 - it wasn't Martha but there was this cookbook called The Silver Palate that was all the rage - the mom I worked for was in her 40s -an older mom -and she'd try to make all the gourmet meals for when her banker husband came out to the beach house on weekends.  One time he glanced at the gourmet meal, asked for a bottle of mayo and took it into the den to watch the game.  Sigh.

Bolt -I am in awe of the strides you made. I wrote elsewhere about how I went to my annual check up at the dermatologist despite feeling nervous about my stomach issues when years ago I would never have been able to leave the house when it was a full blown phobia -like you I love those concrete examples of activities/situations that were not possible years ago and now are.  And yes to hummus on pretzels!!!

[boltnrun]

Well, I'm not impressed that the young guy working the front desk is hacking and coughing and clearing his throat constantly. And I just saw him wipe his nose with the palm of his hand 🤢 And people wonder why I don't like being around other people. Stay the eff home if you're sick!!

[boltnrun]

Met up with my friend and her young daughter. She lost her dad to Covid a couple of months ago. So yeah, it still is a thing, sadly. 

I went shopping, we had dinner and had frozen yogurt after. After being out and about like this, work feels like a safe and comfortable environment. If only the commute could be eliminated or shortened. Not interested in moving closer to work so I'll just have to deal with it.

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What??? You were in prison???? LOL just kidding. When I was a mother's helper in the early 80s and lived at a beach house for the summer -two kids under 6 - it wasn't Martha but there was this cookbook called The Silver Palate that was all the rage - the mom I worked for was in her 40s -an older mom -and she'd try to make all the gourmet meals for when her banker husband came out to the beach house on weekends.  One time he glanced at the gourmet meal, asked for a bottle of mayo and took it into the den to watch the game.  Sigh.

Bolt -I am in awe of the strides you made. I wrote elsewhere about how I went to my annual check up at the dermatologist despite feeling nervous about my stomach issues when years ago I would never have been able to leave the house when it was a full blown phobia -like you I love those concrete examples of activities/situations that were not possible years ago and now are.  And yes to hummus on pretzels!!!

I've always savored doing the "Martha Stewart" thing.  I've always been artistic,  love making things with my hands such as sewing,  quilting,  cake decorating,  cooking for parties / home entertaining,  calligraphy,  embossing,  greeting card making,  wax seals,  stamping,  scrapbooking,  jewelry making,  etc.  I find creative endeavors very easy,  enjoyable and rewarding.   I've gradually honed these skills through the years.   It's been a true joy.  😊  I can remember enjoying artsy activities ever since before kindergarten.  I've always been this way.  I've inherited this trait from my aunt (my father's sister) as she is the same way.  ❤️

 

[boltnrun]

Today's activities: Coffee house for a latte and a scone, ran unexpectedly into a car show (I love car shows). Drove through my old neighborhood. Met up with friends and went to a soccer game, then out to dinner. Sat in the restaurant for over two hours. Back at the hotel now.

If that's not exposure I don't know what is!

And yeah, I haven't been cowering in my apartment afraid to venture outside. Not for a long time (more than two years now).

Still annoyed at the inconvenience of a longish commute and having to get up super early, but that's life as they say!

[boltnrun]

I drove home today.  When I got back to my city I took myself out to a delicious brunch.  Sat in a tiny cafe three feet from the people at the next tables, but I was hungry so, no big deal.  The only thing I didn't like is they have no restroom so I couldn't wash my hands.  So I just ordered something that required a knife and fork.  It was yummy!  Also got a couple of pastries to go.  Bad Boltnrun!

But good Boltnrun because I did almost everything that used to make me super anxious.  I won't pretend some anxiety isn't still there but I just acknowledge it and go on with what I'm doing.

I think I'm good now and only am annoyed at having to get up extra early and drive so far to my office.  Everything else I think will be fine.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I drove home today.  When I got back to my city I took myself out to a delicious brunch.  Sat in a tiny cafe three feet from the people at the next tables, but I was hungry so, no big deal.  The only thing I didn't like is they have no restroom so I couldn't wash my hands.  So I just ordered something that required a knife and fork.  It was yummy!  Also got a couple of pastries to go.  Bad Boltnrun!

But good Boltnrun because I did almost everything that used to make me super anxious.  I won't pretend some anxiety isn't still there but I just acknowledge it and go on with what I'm doing.

I think I'm good now and only am annoyed at having to get up extra early and drive so far to my office.  Everything else I think will be fine.

How is a cafe allowed to exist without a restroom for customers? Is it in a mall or something?

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

How is a cafe allowed to exist without a restroom for customers? Is it in a mall or something?

I'm not sure of the regulations.  It's not in a mall.  You go up to the counter and order and they give you a number and bring you your food, or you can get takeout.  I wonder if it has something to do with the number of tables.  They have maybe six tables inside and a few outside.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not sure of the regulations.  It's not in a mall.  You go up to the counter and order and they give you a number and bring you your food, or you can get takeout.  I wonder if it has something to do with the number of tables.  They have maybe six tables inside and a few outside.

OK I see- so unusual!

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OK I see- so unusual!

It's not unusual here.  There are a lot of smaller cafes that don't have restrooms for customers.  They even post signs saying "No customer restroom".  Of course they have them for employees!

[Seraphim]

You are doing great !

[Cherylyn]

@boltnrun  Glad to hear you are good to yourself!  🙂  It's so important to carve out time and pamper yourself.   It is psychologically uplifting to be sure.  

In the past,  I apologized for doing whatever I wanted for myself.  To _______ with that!  I don't have to apologize to anyone for self care.  At the end of the day,  you have to be satisfied and content knowing it was a good day because you did something for yourself.  It's even better when you make "me time" a consistent,  daily,  prioritized habit;  big, small or medium.  Anything. 

[catfeeder]

Bolt, your accounts are so wonderful not because you’ve done them, but because you enjoyed them. I think you’ll agree, that’s a key difference.

I’m a bit confused about the years you describe as isolated. One post below describes working with others during this time, or am I off on timing?

Was there a time you were completely isolated and either unemployed or allowed to work from home? Or were you white-knuckling your way through this pandemic under a forced need to get out in it to earn a living?

Either way is perfectly valid, but as one who was afforded the luxury of working from home, I admire and hold an exalted place in my heart for those who muscled through this thing without any guardrails of safety that isolation provided.

That has been my private definition of hell on Earth.

[boltnrun]

Thanks, Catfeeder.

So to clarify, I was at my previous long term job for six years. I was promoted in March 2020 and sent back to my home state in May of 2020. I was in training (mostly from home but spent only one week working in person) from May until August. Due to the pandemic the location where I was to work didn't actually open until sometime in mid 2021. I was told to report to another location to "help out" in August 2020. That is when I had a complete anxious breakdown and was placed on medical disability. I had recognized I was anxious so just prior to the breakdown I sought professional treatment. After the disability period ended I realized (and my team of medical professionals agreed) that my job was not at all suited to me due to the requirement to work literally inches from nearly 100 people at all times. So I quit. After that I got a temp job in person at an office, but I left after finding the nearly 4 hour commute and low pay to be unsuitable. I got Covid late November 2020 so I didn't look for a new job until January 2021. And I found my current job February 2021. I have been remote until last week. 

Sorry for being long winded. I tried to keep it as short as possible 😆

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Thanks, Catfeeder.

So to clarify, I was at my previous long term job for six years. I was promoted in March 2020 and sent back to my home state in May of 2020. I was in training (mostly from home but spent only one week working in person) from May until August. Due to the pandemic the location where I was to work didn't actually open until sometime in mid 2021. I was told to report to another location to "help out" in August 2020. That is when I had a complete anxious breakdown and was placed on medical disability. I had recognized I was anxious so just prior to the breakdown I sought professional treatment. After the disability period ended I realized (and my team of medical professionals agreed) that my job was not at all suited to me due to the requirement to work literally inches from nearly 100 people at all times. So I quit. After that I got a temp job in person at an office, but I left after finding the nearly 4 hour commute and low pay to be unsuitable. I got Covid late November 2020 so I didn't look for a new job until January 2021. And I found my current job February 2021. I have been remote until last week. 

Sorry for being long winded. I tried to keep it as short as possible 😆

Thanks, Bolt. This all makes sense now. If I had had an employer try to force me into work so closely with others during 2020, I would not have fared any better. We didn't even have vaccines at that time.

[boltnrun]

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Thanks, Bolt. This all makes sense now. If I had had an employer try to force me into work so closely with others during 2020, I would not have fared any better. We didn't even have vaccines at that time.

This company pretended to care about protecting their employees but they didn't actually do anything to minimize exposure. They made astronomical amounts of money during the pandemic but unfortunately they also had dozens of Covid deaths across the US. I strongly believe that environment contributed greatly to my anxiety. I doubt a regular office job with minimal exposure would have frightened me as much.

I am in the office today. Other than being tired from getting up at 4:35 am I am doing well.