Trying to heal

[Astrogirl]

I’ve recently broken up with a guy who cheated on me. I guess he was going to end it anyway. 
 

I met him when he reached out when he’d broken up with his ex. For three months I helped him, as a friend, to heal. It was after that he asked me to be his girl. I am a nice person who made him feel safe and secure with me and that I wouldn’t cheat on him like his ex has. They have been on and off and have a very toxic relationship. 
 

Soon enough, things felt off but I ignored the red flags. Then his best friend reached out to me and informed me my boyfriend was cheating with his ex. Without naming his friend, I told my boyfriend of the rumour I had heard. He denied everything. He called me paranoid and said I had mental issues. The red flags continued. 
 

I call him out again. His ex then contacts me that same night and confirms they are now together. However, my boyfriend called me as though nothing was wrong after texting me how much he loves me but deleting my photos from his social media. I send him proof of the messages and end the call.
 

I blocked my boyfriend from social media but he has text me through normal text messages. I didn’t respond but now I’m scared I will never hear from him again even though he’s betrayed me in the cruelest way. I just want to heal from this but also want to hear from him. I feel so emotionally weak. Any advice to overcome my vulnerability is welcome. 

[Kwothe28]

Well, you ignored the red flags so at the end red flags came to be paid for. He is a messy individual so you couldnt really expected anything but mess. For example what could you expect from somebody who is in toxic symbiotic relationship with his ex but to still have a connection with her? So its a lesson of sort for next time.

Block him on everything including his phone number. You are scarred that you will never hear from him but not hearing from him would be something best that could happen in a situation like this. Do you really need his lies and excuses? Just block all that and give it time to move on.

[Astrogirl]

His excuses were impressive. He actually convinced me it was all in my head. I know I should move on. I’ve not attempted contact. I’m just confused how he can have absolutely no regard for my feelings when I was nothing but kind. 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

 I met him when he reached out when he’d broken up with his ex.  They have been on and off and have a very toxic relationship. I blocked my boyfriend from social media 

Sorry this happened. How did you meet? Were you friends before? 

Unfortunately all you can do is delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Unfortunately it's not a good idea to take someone in and on/off relationship under your wing and try to heal them. 

Perhaps it's time to unpack and sort out why you would get into high-risk situations, such as this. 

A qualified therapist could help you explore the need to fix broken men or sacrifice your own well being, then feeling betrayed by the overinvestment. 

In this case you dodged a bullet. Perhaps next time you date, make sure someone is ready, willing and able to build a relationship with you rather than comes running for a shoulder to cry on.

[Astrogirl]

When he reached out, my intention was purely to help him as a friend. I was surprised when he asked me to be his girl as I considered us to be nothing more than friends. 
 

We met through the same circle of friends. So we kinda knew of each other for about three years before but barely exchanged words before he reached out. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

When he reached out, my intention was purely to help him as a friend. I was surprised when he asked me to be his girl 

Hopefully you can delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

A "friend" doesn't use people for a shoulder to cry on then try to maneuver them into bed while they negotiate their on/off relationships all the while.  He's neither a friend or a BF.

Perhaps in the future only date men who are free and clear from previous relationships.

[Astrogirl]

I know. I feel so foolish. The way he spoke, after a while, is that he had indeed healed. In fact, our first few weeks together were amazing and drama free. I just can’t believe he’d discard me in this cruel way. He is blocked from social media but did text me through his phone number but I ignored him. That was a few days ago and nothing since. 

[Astrogirl]

Just to add: the strangest thing about this is when I blocked him on social media he immediately texts me within seconds going mad that I blocked him but still declaring his love for me. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

 he immediately texts me within seconds going mad that I blocked him but still declaring his love for me. 

Don't fall for his tricks twice. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[Astrogirl]

He is blocked from social media. I’m not going to unblock him. Unfortunately, his friends are my friends as well but they appear to be staying out of it. 

[MissCanuck]

34 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

Just to add: the strangest thing about this is when I blocked him on social media he immediately texts me within seconds going mad that I blocked him but still declaring his love for me. 

It’s not strange for callous people with big egos, like him. 

He’s not a good person. I’m sorry you had this experience. 

[Astrogirl]

Thank you. It’s like he places all the blame on me like I’m toxic. I couldn’t have done more for him or been more for him. One thing for sure is I can take away the fact that I never wronged him or called him names like he did with me. 
 

I don’t wish harm on him but even he must know his new relationship with his ex won’t last. Especially when they both cheat on one another. He had a good thing with me. 

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

Thank you. It’s like he places all the blame on me like I’m toxic. I couldn’t have done more for him or been more for him. One thing for sure is I can take away the fact that I never wronged him or called him names like he did with me. 
 

I don’t wish harm on him but even he must know his new relationship with his ex won’t last. Especially when they both cheat on one another. He had a good thing with me. 

I'd completely avoid giving any validation to your feelings about his relationship now.  It's such a waste of your time and prolongs all the negative energy.  He is now a stranger to you and so is she. Maybe they're committing to therapy so they can be together in a healthful way. Maybe she enjoys being abused, maybe she wants to sleep around so she'd prefer a partner who does as well. You do not know. He did not have a good thing with you.  What he had with you was a dynamic of one person lying to another person while the other person lied to herself and settled for garbage scraps.  

I think you liked being his hero and helping him through his past breakup.  You liked that feeling of power.  Then you felt like you won a prize being chosen to be "his girl." So you ignored the signs while you were helping him and when he chose you that perhaps there was a lot more to the story.

  I'd focus my energies not on how he's doing now with his ex and instead on avoiding the risks in the future of being a target for people who do not act in your best interests.  Certainly friends can realize they want to date but you were more his therapist than his friend - was he a friend to you during that time- did you share stuff in common, fun anecdotes or was it all him leaning on you for "help"?

[Astrogirl]

Yes, I understand, although I never saw myself as his hero. I just tried to be the best person I could be. And I doubt they’d go to therapy. They both seem to feed off drama where I prefer a peaceful life. All I can say is I could have done no more to show him what a good and faithful person I am. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

 I doubt they’d go to therapy. They both seem to feed off drama where I prefer a peaceful life. 

There's no need to defend yourself. You were under the impression he wanted a relationship and he just wanted some filler for their "off" time.

Do you know them both from this friend group?  

If you feel he's a creep and they're full of drama consider that they belong together and you've successfully dodged a bullet.

In the future, be more mindful of overinvesting this much. It will just make you feel like a victim. 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

Yes, I understand, although I never saw myself as his hero. I just tried to be the best person I could be. And I doubt they’d go to therapy. They both seem to feed off drama where I prefer a peaceful life. All I can say is I could have done no more to show him what a good and faithful person I am. 

Yes just look into your motives for taking on this role for this length of time with this guy.  Just consider.  You don't get to doubt or analyze -choose not to do this -regard them as complete strangers you know nothing about from now on so you can move on.  Do this for you.  It makes no difference if  you showed him you were good and faithful.  He didn't care whether you were good, faithful, jumping through hoops, eating properly or not, happy or not. 

He is a person who wasn't interested in the values of loyalty and keeping promises when it came to his interactions with you.  He chose to have sex with his ex. 

In the future he might make different choices.  In the future the sky could fall in.  From your perspective those thoughts of the future should have the same importance in your daily life -none. 

[Astrogirl]

Hopefully I can move on from this pretty soon. I just feel depleted. I’m also upset he got to walk away happily ever after while I am left picking up the pieces when I did nothing wrong. Life seems so unfair. I’ll never stop being a good person though. 
 

I do hope he remains safe, though, and wish no harm on him. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

Life seems so unfair.

No, you chose to be with someone who you knew had been in a toxic relationship.  The first part of healing is owning the choices you made.  It doesn't make you a bad person, not one bit.  I too chose to be in a relationship with someone whose previous relationships were toxic so I know what it's like.  But it had nothing to do with life being "unfair".  I just made a bad decision and paid the price for that choice.

My ex thrived over the adrenaline rush of the extreme highs and lows of a toxic, drama relationship.  He loves it dearly.  Me being "nice" and "good" to him was tremendously boring to him.  He doesn't want "nice" and "good", he wants drama.  Some people do.  They think the extreme emotions they feel are "love".  When they're really sickness.  But again, they crave and love those feelings.

If you want to be a player in his toxic drama then of course you can refuse to block him from contacting you.  But I strongly recommend you cut him off completely, block his number and then work on moving past this.  The ONLY way I was able to recover was to completely cut my ex off.  I've heard nothing from him for years and my life is exponentially better because of it.

[Astrogirl]

He is cut off. And you’re right about the being good and nice cos he even told me I wasn’t challenging enough because I am so placid. I told him that’s who I am and I can’t change. Meanwhile, he would often start phone calls with calling me vile names. I never knew which version I’d get. Can’t believe I put myself through this. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

He is cut off. And you’re right about the being good and nice cos he even told me I wasn’t challenging enough because I am so placid. I told him that’s who I am and I can’t change. Meanwhile, he would often start phone calls with calling me vile names. I never knew which version I’d get. Can’t believe I put myself through this. 

Do you think you're too passive and too much of a people pleaser? I'm not saying to listen to him at all. I'm asking if what he says resonates with you at all.  

You of course can change how you interact with people if you choose to.  I've had to make significant changes in that regard in my own life.  In order to be a better friend, truer to myself and my values, and to become the right person to find the right person.  

I cannot believe you'd continue a phone conversation with a person who called you vile names.  That's not being good or nice -to yourself.

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Astrogirl said:

He is cut off. And you’re right about the being good and nice cos he even told me I wasn’t challenging enough because I am so placid. I told him that’s who I am and I can’t change. Meanwhile, he would often start phone calls with calling me vile names. I never knew which version I’d get. Can’t believe I put myself through this. 

I'm not going to stop being a decent, nice person just to keep a guy.  Unfortunately it took four years of his mistreatment and me trying my hardest to hold onto him and ironically HE broke up with ME when he met and fell in "love" with a woman who put him through all sorts of turmoil.  I thought "I'll be so good to him, so non-threatening and so accepting of WHO HE IS, he'll HAVE to see that I'm the right one for him!!!!"  When in reality I am the exact opposite of what he craves.  And that's HIS issue, not mine.  But what WAS my issue is thinking I wanted him.  I mean, why?  Why did I want someone like him?  I needed to take some time to really try to understand what was wrong with me for wanting that dysfunction in my life and wanting someone as low quality as he is to be in my life.

The solution isn't to be less nice or less pleasant to be around.  The solution is to find someone who wants a secure relationship with a decent, moral and loving woman. But remember, it's OK to say "no" to something that isn't serving you well.  And a man who calls you vile names is not someone you should be wishing would contact you.

[Batya33]

Absolutely and to me it’s always good to check in with oneself to make sure you’re taking care of you including appropriate boundaries.  It’s wasn’t good or nice of the OP to herself to continue a conversation begun with being called vile names.  So it might be a wake up call. 
I’m a good and nice person who wants to help. I posted here months ago about a particular person who will call me more than once in a day even after I’ve texted that I’ll call when I can. And continues to text and call at times she knows I’m not available because of meal prep and or mealtime.

In the last 24 hours she called 3 times. I had to remember not to be too nice. First time I was in a meeting. Texted her that, clarified ir was an all day meeting and  plus I’ll call you soon.this morning she called twice 30 minutes apart including when I’m typically making lunch. I texted back after second time “I’ll call you this afternoon “.

The old me might have resentfully taken the call. Or responded to each and every call with a message. Or an apology thar I wasn’t available.

 But I’m learning not be that “nice” and to teach people how to treat me by not jumping to answer multiple calls. 
but yes if a jerky person tells you to change no need to respond. Privately later you might on your own do a self care check in. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

And you’re right about the being good and nice cos he even told me I wasn’t challenging enough because I am so placid.

The problem with this is that the wrong people will take advantage of your lack of boundaries or backbone. 

1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

he would often start phone calls with calling me vile names. I never knew which version I’d get. Can’t believe I put myself through this. 

This is where I would spend more time reflecting. Why did you put up with this behaviour?

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Astrogirl said:

... he would often start phone calls with calling me vile names.

So the problem is not the breakup, the problem is, "Why would I be willing to accept a phone call--or anything else--from any person who would speak to me this way?"

This isn't some finger wag, it's a legitimate question to sort out.

Until you can wrap your head around why you'd tolerate mistreatment, you're not dating material, because you won't screen out lousy men. You'll keep setting yourself up as a 'nice' victim for the next loser and the next to mistreat you. None of them will value your 'niceness' beyond the label it puts on your forehead that says, "Abuse me, I'm yours."

You deserve better. Unfortunately, there's a part of you that doesn't believe that.

[Cherylyn]

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  what has helped me during times of distress or disappointment in people is changing the way I think.  Transform your hurts and pains into wisdom gained or gaining street smarts.  All was not in vain.  Your key takeaway was growing smarter.  You won't trust as easily.  Your radar is constantly up.  You'll become a very perceptive and shrewd person regarding how you navigate your life and taking less or no risks with future people in your life.  You'll learn to use your gut instincts and intuition and you'll remind yourself never to ignore those red flags or alarm bells sounding off in your brain.  If anyone is off,  they're off for a reason.  Beware and proceed with caution and at your own risk.