Dating for 4 weeks then ghosted

[Noffers93]

Hi

Basics of the story are - we been dating for 4 weeks, first date was great, made out, she messaged me the next day. We organised the second, she came over and had sex. Messaged me every day since, we spoke about what we are after (both want a relationship) discussed common interests and values, 90% of which lined up (both into working out, nutrition, similar personal values ect). Had another date where she came over and we played a game which requires you to answer deep questions about yourself to one another. The next week I spent the night at hers and we went and got coffee the next day. She was texting me first and every day during this time, I used them to set up dates.
 

I then went to my home town for a week to see family, in which she still texted me every day. First few days she texted heaps but the reply’s seemed to slow down over the course of the week to 1-2 messages a day, however the messages were still long and detailed ect. 

During this tapering off time she brought up some trauma about how she was really hurt in her last relationship and although it was 100% over, she still not 100% over the situation (sounds like she still has feelings for an ex). 
 

Another important fact is that we spoke about how being open and honest is really important to us. 

The day I was coming back I asked her when she was free so I could organise a date. And guess what, I got no response at all.  It’s been 4 days now and I’ve still not got a reply from her. 
 

My understanding is that she is a little confused about how she feels towards me/the ex so I’ve left her alone and given her space so she can sort out her feelings in her own time without my influence. 
 

I am just starting to worry now as it’s been 4 days and I’ve not heard a thing. Any advice guys ?

[Batya33]

I think this was all too much too soon like trying to make this into an insta-relationship when healthy relationships take getting to know a person over a period of months and the better part of a year -stuff that cannot be compressed into short time periods even with texting all day/games with deep questions/having sex and saying lovely things about openness and honesty.  I don't think she's confused as much as overwhelmed because she chose to do too much too soon.  There's no reason at all to text all day every day or play a game with deep questions so early on unless you are two people who are extremely needy and simply want a warm body and to tell yourself you're "in a relationship". 

It's sabotaging for most people. In rare cases two people click deeply at first sight, they are inseparable from that day on and it's not overwhelming to be in touch all day every day and have sex right away.  For most people this is not the case and the reason they're doing too much too soon is really not about wanting the best for the other person or to develop an LTR.  It's for self-soothing/short term gratification.  

I'd leave her be- give her twice the space she seems to need.  If she calls you in the future and you're interested and available I'd see her again but see her once or twice a week, talk once or twice a week at least for the first couple of months. I'm sorry you're disappointed.  

Also many people fear getting close and they choose the person over fear - and if they have such intense fear they deal with that before having sex with someone/getting focused on dating.

[Noffers93]

A couple of additions to my post - She never asked for space, she told me about the trauma and said she wanted to be 100% open and honest with me. We then texted for a few days after this but her texting rate slowed down from about 5-6 messages too 1-2 messages a day (although her responses were long and detailed). She just never replied when I asked to hang out. 
 

I agree she may be overwhelmed dealing with her emotions (old relationship hurt and now me coming into her life very quickly).
 

I disagree that it’s unhealthy, most people sleep with each other after 2-3 dates and I actually think it’s quite healthy to have open, honest and deep conversations with a potential partner.

My post is about understanding why I have been ghosted and what the best course of action going forward is to see this girl in a romantic way again 

[Kwothe28]

I would just move on without waiting for her at all. It takes 10 seconds to respond to message. She could have said any number of things and leave it at clean slate. And yet, she chose to ghost you. Maybe never to talk to you again. Or maybe to date some other men until she "figures her emotions" and then come back to you. Immature and unacceptable. Dont be a reserve for some woman who cant even take 10 seconds to answer your message. Appreciate yourself more and dont accept that kind of behavior.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Noffers93 said:

she brought up some trauma about how she was really hurt in her last relationship and although it was 100% over, she still not 100% over the situation (sounds like she still has feelings for an ex)

Nope. Abort mission right here, OP. The fact that she's even bringing up past relationship trauma with a guy she barely knows (you) suggests she is still deep in her feelings about it - and her ex. 

There is likely just no space in her heart for a new guy yet, and she dove in too quickly. As such, there is really nothing you can do about it. You didn't cause these issues and she needs to work through them on her own. I personally would not pursure this girl. 

[smackie9]

I think she threw herself into this relationship to forget the pain/trauma. You going away made her feel insecure hence bringing up her ex. She probably realized she’s in it for the wrong reason. Embarrassed about it, knowing she kinda used you, to avoid confrontation she pulled away, then disappeared. It’s possible you will get your dear John text later after she’s had some time to think of what she wants to say. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Noffers93 said:

My  understanding is that she is a little confused about how she feels towards me/the ex so I’ve left her alone and given her space 

Sorry this happened. Agree it was too much too soon and she is stepping back after jumping in too soon, maybe rebounding.  It seems she's on/off with the ex and still hung up on it. 

Since things were going well, it seems like it's whatever she's going through. Possiblity she's communicating with the ex and had an opportunity to catch up while you were away, since that marks the turnaround.

 Good idea to step back and see if she contacts you. Consider that you may have dodged a bullet early if she's in/off with the ex.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Noffers93 said:

A couple of additions to my post - She never asked for space, she told me about the trauma and said she wanted to be 100% open and honest with me. We then texted for a few days after this but her texting rate slowed down from about 5-6 messages too 1-2 messages a day (although her responses were long and detailed). She just never replied when I asked to hang out. 
 

I agree she may be overwhelmed dealing with her emotions (old relationship hurt and now me coming into her life very quickly).
 

I disagree that it’s unhealthy, most people sleep with each other after 2-3 dates and I actually think it’s quite healthy to have open, honest and deep conversations with a potential partner.

My post is about understanding why I have been ghosted and what the best course of action going forward is to see this girl in a romantic way again 

It doesn't matter what most people do - I never had sex that early on -by choice -just as many people I know-

I think it's fine to have open, honest and deep convos early on and those IMHO are never ever a replacement for seeing a person's choices, actions over a long period of time -the better part of a year. 

Talking won't show or tell you how the person reacts to successes or failures at work, at holiday times, on vacation, when she has a bad cold, how she acts on your birthday, her birthday, with friends, waitstaff, the handymen she has at her house, her spending habits/financial values, how she reacts when you have a bad cold, get a promotion, and on and on. I got the sense you were trying to have an insta relationship and she balked/got overwhelmed.  

Also don't confuse the positive value of honesty with choosing to overshare.

[Cherylyn]

Give her a chance beyond 4 days.  I'd say at least a week and if she continues this type of habit,  she's not for you. 

My advice would be to have at least a verbal phone conversation with her or a very clear conversation with her in person regarding any concerns you have with her.  Verbally communicate. 

[gamon]

You gotta learn to slow things down when you meet someone or this will keep on happening to you.

 

[Andrina]

11 hours ago, Noffers93 said:

The day I was coming back I asked her when she was free so I could organise a date. And guess what, I got no response at all.  It’s been 4 days now and I’ve still not got a reply from her. 
 

My understanding is that she is a little confused about how she feels towards me/the ex so I’ve left her alone and given her space so she can sort out her feelings in her own time without my influence. 

Would you treat someone like this, as in being rude with no reply? Leaving a person hanging? Just because she's pretty and fun to hang out with, doesn't mean a person should get a pass for being a coward and rude instead of being a decent human being and letting you know what the deal is.

She attached a warning label to herself, hoping to put you off so you'd be the one to exit from a train wreck, and she wouldn't have to do the dirty work.

If it were me, I'd be blocking such a bad risk for dating. Because she might contact you when she's having a dry spell and in need of an ego boost. Being pulled up by her string like you're a yo-yo would be a huge mistake.

[Noffers93]

She got back to me finally and basically said. Sorry for not getting back to you earlier. I’m unsure how I feel about my ex and past relationship right now so I’m to nervous and anxious to see you right now. I would feel like a bad person if I did that right now.

To which I replied. No worries at all. When you figure it out and if you feel like hanging out again, just get in touch. I’d love to see you again x.

She was very appreciative of my response and we left it at that. 
 

Keep in mind I have never text or contacted her first even up until this point . I don’t plan on messaging her unless she messages me. 
 

is this the right thing to do here?

[Batya33]

If she messages you with an intention to make a plan for a date because she is now ready I'd respond.  If it's just vague I'd respond briefly and if the second message isn't focused/intentioned I'd respond "thanks for reaching out - I think it's best if we not stay in touch unless you're interested in dating"  

I'd interpret her typing as "I am not interested in dating you" -I'd ignore the reasoning and the "unsure" -TMI.  I'd tread lightly if all of a sudden she is ready again. Her delay likely was because she was pursuing other men and/or seeing her ex.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Noffers93 said:

. I’m unsure how I feel about my ex and past relationship right now so I’m to nervous and anxious to see you right now. 

is this the right thing to do here?

Yes it's the right thing to do. She's basically unavailable, so that's your cue to move forward.

[Noffers93]

I ran into her out on a walk so we joined up for a walk. Conversation was flowing and positive,so I asked if she wanted to go out for dinner.
 

She said - she shouldn’t, she doesn’t want to confuse me and herself right now and that she needs more time to figure it out. But thank you anyway 

I said  - that’s cool I’ll respect that and understand.

thoughts ?

[spinstermanquee]

8 minutes ago, Noffers93 said:

thoughts ?

Noffers... sounds like a firm "no thanks."  Hugs and on to the next one, you'll do better 🙂

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, Noffers93 said:

thoughts ?

Total lack of respect for yourself. By yourself. 

She already never responded to your message. And you asked her again? Appreciate yourself more. You should have just said "Hi" and move on with your life. Not even maybe that because you dont even own her that after she essentially "ghosted" you. Respect yourself more. After somebody disrespects you and never answers your question about the date, you dont ask again. You move away.

[Noffers93]

She actually did reply - if you look a few comments up you’ll see it. 

[Batya33]

41 minutes ago, Noffers93 said:

I ran into her out on a walk so we joined up for a walk. Conversation was flowing and positive,so I asked if she wanted to go out for dinner.
 

She said - she shouldn’t, she doesn’t want to confuse me and herself right now and that she needs more time to figure it out. But thank you anyway 

I said  - that’s cool I’ll respect that and understand.

thoughts ?

Agree with Spinstermanquee -this woman did exactly the right thing declining

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, Noffers93 said:

She actually did reply - if you look a few comments up you’ll see it. 

Ah, I see, my bad. 

And she said the word salad for "No". So again, why arent you more appreciative to yourself? But asking somebody that already rejected you once again?

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Noffers93 said:

I ran into her out on a walk ,so I asked if she wanted to go out for dinner. I said  - that’s cool I’ll respect that and understand

You did the right thing. Because this was a chance encounter and even though you asked, she still has the same stance of being unavailable. All you can do is walk away gracefully like you did.

[Andrina]

On 4/19/2023 at 6:44 AM, Noffers93 said:

Sorry for not getting back to you earlier. I’m unsure how I feel about my ex and past relationship right now so I’m to nervous and anxious to see you right now. I would feel like a bad person if I did that right now.

To which I replied. No worries at all. When you figure it out and if you feel like hanging out again, just get in touch. I’d love to see you again x

You sound like a total doormat here. You overlook her bad behavior because she's pretty. The only thing people want to do with doormats is wipe their dirty boots on them. Have some dignity and and standards. You'll attract better quality people when you practice self-love and self-respect.

[MissCanuck]

On 5/3/2023 at 12:02 AM, Noffers93 said:

thoughts ?

She is not interested, man. 

It's time for you to move on from her. 

[Noffers93]

Update 

Can I get an analysis on my situation. So I was dating this girl for about a month (we were sleeping together regularly) and then her ex came back into the picture and she backed off. So I did the same, blacked out for a few weeks and send her a text. 

She was excited  and she actually asked to hang out so she came over. We cooked dinner, occasionally touched but when I went in the for the kiss she pulled me up and said she was seeing the ex, that she had a great time with me when we were dating but wants to give it ONE LAST CHANCE with the ex.

I said that’s ok, you guys have a lot of history and investment in one other so you deserve to explore it and figure it out. 

I then changed the subject and we started talking asking her about her ideal future  then childhood memories. She ended up talking for ages about it all and I encouraged her to keep talking and validated her on her ideal future occasionally.

She then asked me to play a few songs on guitar for her so I did. She couldn’t take her eyes off me, we were staring into one others eyes during all of this. 

This then led to me teaching her some basic guitar skills. Again a lot of hand touching and laughter, eye glances and smiles. 

This was basically the theme and feel of the night. 

I just want to get your guy’s opinion on what the situation is here? Where her head is at? Why she could come over ? Why the eye catches and smiles and touching? And more importantly what is the best move for me going forward? 

Thanks heaps guys

[Batya33]

The situation is she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She loves all the flattering attention you give her all while she’s telling you she’s not that into you.  She’s into the other guy who is her “ex.”

Let her go sample her ex.  Do not give her the benefit and privilege of your friendship and company anymore.