Completely ghosted overnight - learnt from previous mistakes and cut it off.

[Guyonajourney]

Started dating again after being in a weird situationship for a while (many of you would have seen). Met this girl and had a few good dates, she also has been over at my house for dinner a couple times (and yes, got intimate). 
 

Honestly all going well. I was texting her through the week, we agreed sunday meet up, texting again on Saturday night around 10:30pm said I’d see her Sunday both in agreement. Sunday morning I text her, no reply. Strange. Text her later afternoon no reply, slightly concerned about her wellbeing as she was really ill the week before, but then I noticed her active on instagram so I text her on Monday saying - “hey, not entirely sure whats happened here but I am going to take your lack of contact as you are no longer interested, hope everything is okay with you. Wish you the best.” She ignored that too so I proceeded to unfollow her on social media. (I’m now blocked by her so she must have noticed or something.)

So why did she randomly ghost me like this, I have 2 potential reasons but unsure. 

1. I was still on the dating apps (rightly so?) we weren’t exclusive at all and I was keeping options open. I noticed one of her friends on it - has she maybe reported back to her?

2. On the Saturday night I was out and got talking to a girl in quite a popular bar, maybe someones seen and reported back. 
 

3. On the back on 1&2 she maybe felt she was into me more than I was her at this stage.

Honestly, I’m not that bothered overall, bit of time & money wasted but I’m quite proud of myself for just cutting it off rather than chasing her and trying to resolve it.

If you aren't mature enough to have open communication then you are not for me. If she’s trying to gain my attention shes going about it the wrong way. I personally believe this reveals a character flaw. A way to avoid uncomfortable situations and interactions. Maybe she has experienced some kind of trauma in her life which has made her think that type of behaviour is appropriate. 

Im sure she had her reasons. But imo a bullet dodged for me. Luckily it happened now rather than later. 

I’ve got a new date lined up on Saturday anyway. The exact reason why I didn’t hyper-focus on her (learning from previous experiences). 
 

This dating game is a wild ride! Especially after long term relationships my whole life.

[MissCanuck]

OP, kindly, it might be time to take a break from dating. 

You seem to go from whirlwind to whirlwind, and your recent thread about the other woman indicates that you're not making great choices in your love life. 

I don't disagree with what you're saying about people not being mature enough to say something instead of just disappearing. But it seems you are more vulnerable these days because the previous woman very recently hurt you. Take a breather. Don't go from woman to woman trying to heal your pain. Deal with those feelings, and then get back into dating. 

Don't rely on the company of a new woman to soothe the hurt from the last one. Don't scramble to line up another one right away. Sit with yourself for a while first. 

[Guyonajourney]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, kindly, it might be time to take a break from dating. 

You seem to go from whirlwind to whirlwind, and your recent thread about the other woman indicates that you're not making great choices in your love life. 

I don't disagree with what you're saying about people not being mature enough to say something instead of just disappearing. But it seems you are more vulnerable these days because the previous woman very recently hurt you. Take a breather. Don't go from woman to woman trying to heal your pain. Deal with those feelings, and then get back into dating. 

Don't rely on the company of a new woman to soothe the hurt from the last one. Don't scramble to line up another one right away. Sit with yourself for a while first. 

Maybe I should, but I do enjoy dating and meeting new people. 

But perhaps you are right about taking a breather. I didn’t really think of it as soothing the hurt from the last one but maybe I am just trying to distract myself.

The date on Saturday was already lined up before this happened anyway 

[poorlittlefish]

Maybe she assumed that, as the two of you had become intimate, you were exclusive.  I wouldn't want to be having sex with someone who was still looking to have sex with others.  She should have been up front with you about it if she found out you were seeing other women, but she probably feels bad too.

[Guyonajourney]

3 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

Maybe she assumed that, as the two of you had become intimate, you were exclusive.  I wouldn't want to be having sex with someone who was still looking to have sex with others.  She should have been up front with you about it if she found out you were seeing other women, but she probably feels bad too.

Thats true, I haven’t slept with anyone else or actually met anyone whilst I’ve known her but I know what you mean. I have spoken to others though. I just don’t think you should focus on dating one person until you are certain about them, we had only dated for a couple weeks. 
 

Yeah she could’ve just asked me and I would've been honest with her about it. 

[Kwothe28]

I think you handled it quite well. You tried to communicate and she "ghosted" you. Which is a reflection on her poor communication skills. Not on you who did try to communicate. If she wanted she could have explained if she is mad at you. But she just chosed to ghost you without any indication why. So there was nothing else to do but wish her the best and move on.

As to why it really doesnt matter. Maybe it doesnt even have anything to do with you as she maybe just met somebody else also and didnt want to explain anything to you. Which is again reflection on her poor communication.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

 Met this girl and had a few good dates, and yes, got intimate. 
 I am going to take your lack of contact as you are no longer interested, hope everything is okay with you. Wish you the best.” . I’m now blocked by her so she must have noticed or something.

Unfortunately still too much too soon. Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others. 

After your "wish you well" dumping text, she naturally blocked you.

Try to slow down. Pace yourself. 

If women perceive you as the casual pump and dump type of guy,  still on dating apps, sending preemptive 'good luck' texts etc., they'll move on.

Try not to overcompensate again with the playing it too cool game. That's how the last situation went sideways. Try to be more confident and less defensive.

[Guyonajourney]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately still too much too soon. Keep in mind you're both still talking to and meeting others. 

After your "wish you well" dumping text, she naturally blocked you.

Try to slow down. Pace yourself. 

If women perceive you as the casual pump and dump type of guy,  still on dating apps, sending preemptive 'good luck' texts etc., they'll move on.

Try not to overcompensate again with the playing it too cool game. That's how the last situation went sideways. Try to be more confident and less defensive.

I get your points but if someone completely ignores me for 48hours and doesn’t have the common courtesy to drop a text when we had plans to meet up then I don’t want to associate with them so when I wished her well, and I meant that. 
 

If I was a “pump and dump” guy I could’ve cut contact long before now as we were intimate after our 2nd date. 
 

I thought I handled it well, I had asked her if she was okay out of genuine concern and got completely aired so my last text was just honesty from my part. Her lack of contact clearly stated her intentions of no longer being interested and I'm walking away from the situation. 

[Guyonajourney]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think you handled it quite well. You tried to communicate and she "ghosted" you. Which is a reflection on her poor communication skills. Not on you who did try to communicate. If she wanted she could have explained if she is mad at you. But she just chosed to ghost you without any indication why. So there was nothing else to do but wish her the best and move on.

As to why it really doesnt matter. Maybe it doesnt even have anything to do with you as she maybe just met somebody else also and didnt want to explain anything to you. Which is again reflection on her poor communication.

Thanks - I thought so too. It takes 2 seconds to send a text rather than ghosting and I was actually concerned about her.
 

Clearly her intentions are as I had thought and she doesn’t have the backbone to tell me shes no longer interested. No problem at all. We move on. 

[jazz_lover]

I think she must have had mixed feelings/wasn't sure about you and perhaps felt pressured into accepting the date. And perhaps she got intimate with you before she was ready and is having regrets. 

There is a lot of mention of texting so perhaps you were overcrowding her and she was feeling a bit smothered. 

I doubt it is seeing you on the apps. In my experience in this situation a woman would be more likely to get upset/angry and confront you rather than ghosting you. 

If casual dating is your thing then you need to be prepared for this sort of thing to happen i.e. for women to go cold/distant with ghosting being the extreme example of this. But perhaps it is related somewhat to your style i.e. too much texting/inviting them back to yours getting physical too quickly. 

 

[Guyonajourney]

12 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I think she must have had mixed feelings/wasn't sure about you and perhaps felt pressured into accepting the date. And perhaps she got intimate with you before she was ready and is having regrets. 

There is a lot of mention of texting so perhaps you were overcrowding her and she was feeling a bit smothered. 

I doubt it is seeing you on the apps. In my experience in this situation a woman would be more likely to get upset/angry and confront you rather than ghosting you. 

If casual dating is your thing then you need to be prepared for this sort of thing to happen i.e. for women to go cold/distant with ghosting being the extreme example of this. But perhaps it is related somewhat to your style i.e. too much texting/inviting them back to yours getting physical too quickly. 

 

To be honest our texting was neither here or there. Maybe 6-7 texts a day. More talkative in the evenings. So I don’t feel like overcrowding would have been the reason. But maybe she regretted getting intimate quickly and expected more from me quicker. 

Hadn’t seen each other for 8 or 9 days either. Had said for her to come for dinner last week and she said “I would love to but I have tonsillitis so depends if you’re okay with potentially getting that😂💋” thats when I suggested Sunday instead to which she agreed. 
 

But you are definitely right, I expect to come across this when I’m casually dating. 
 

Her reasoning is actually irrelevant to me at this stage, she ghosted, so I move on. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

 I was still on the dating apps (rightly so?) we weren’t exclusive at all and I was keeping options open

Seeing you active on dating apps after intimacy may have been a turnoff for her. That's ok. Ghosting in itself a response that they're no longer interested.

Next time at least hide your dating app profile if you're going to get intimate. Don't use the "not exclusive, so keeping options open" loophole because as you can see it backfired.

Even though you've configured this in your mind as ok, a lot of women may be put off by a guy still prowling dating apps while having sex with them.

[Guyonajourney]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Seeing you active on dating apps after intimacy may have been a turnoff for her. That's ok. Ghosting in itself a response that they're no longer interested.

Next time at least hide your dating app profile if you're going to get intimate. Don't use the "not exclusive, so keeping options open" loophole because as you can see it backfired.

Even though you've configured this in your mind as ok, a lot of women may be put off by a guy still prowling dating apps while having sex with them.

Yeah makes sense. I did pause my profile for a while actually, but I guess as soon as someone she knows sees me then the word gets back to her 😅
 

I can understand if thats why she was put off, although if she had actually just asked me that, then I could have told her that I’ve not met anyone else or slept with anyone else. Immature reaction and lack of communication from her. 
 

Will be more careful in future. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

 if she had actually just asked me that, then I could have told her that I’ve not met anyone else or slept with anyone else. 

It's your responsibility to state upfront and clearly what's going on. Not theirs to inadvertantly find out you're prowling dating apps while sleeping with them, but failed to mention it.  Be confident and forthcoming to avoid awkward mixups like this. If someone's ok with sleeping with you while you play the field you'll have to be upfront.

[Batya33]

I think enjoying dating/meeting new people is different from enjoying having sex with someone you just met.  I agree she should have texted you in advance to cancel.  I did that once -had a first meet- he didn't call again.  A month or so later we ran into each other just near our offices.  I actually looked quite good that day lol -he stared. Then he contacted me on the site and asked if I'd meet him again.  I agreed. Then he changed his profile photo (this was probably in 2004-05) - it was him looking down fondly at his naked chest. I then messaged him cancelling the date with no reason. 

So yes I let him know I wasn't going to show up -and also no I didn't think I owed him a reason.  I did this out of common courtesy.  Would you actually have felt better if she simply texted "date is off" then stopped replying? Because that's showing common courtesy -if she did know that after you two had sex you're all over the dating apps -she might "get" you two are not exclusive but perhaps it turned her stomach.  So I think your issue is not the common courtesy part but the fact that you chose to have sex, you wanted to date her again and have sex and she's no longer into it. More than the etiquette breach.

I agree it's fine to have intercourse then keep looking to date others - until you're exclusive it's fine.  Maybe she didn't realize how in your face it would feel to know of you being on the apps and reacted immaturely.  Or maybe she simply changed her mind and went about it in a rude way.

[Jibralta]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's your responsibility to state upfront and clearly what's going on. Not theirs to inadvertantly find out you're prowling dating apps while sleeping with them, but failed to mention it.  Be confident and forthcoming to avoid awkward mixups like this. If someone's ok with sleeping with you while you play the field you'll have to be upfront.

I'm not in this girl's head, and I don't know the reason she ghosted. But I'd like to point out that you wanted open and clear communication, as well.

4 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

If you aren't mature enough to have open communication then you are not for me.

You didn't like it when she ghosted you rather than tell you she was done. So, perhaps you can relate to her feeling the same way about you, after you unpaused your profile and expected her to ask you about it instead of just telling her. 

[Patrick1994]

For some reason, ghosting has become the new normal.  Ghosting is about as mature as covering up your ears and going, la la la, I can’t hear you.

[jazz_lover]

We don't know for sure that she or her friend divined you were still active.  For most apps it is hard to tell if someone is active/inactive. So I think you are speculating. Also if she wasn't sure about you she wouldn't care and most likely would also be continuing to use the apps/date other guys. If she did like you a lot then she'd be more likely to confront you about it rather than just disappearing. 

And I don't think rubbing it in someone's face that you are still using the apps/dating or even sleeping with other women is required or even advisable. It isn't something people really want to hear even if they are aware that it is probably happening before exclusivity is discussed. I think the person who feels ready for exclusivity or desires it should bring it up. 

I think if sex is such a big deal to a woman that she expects exclusivity after it then she shouldn't be sleeping with men so quickly and should probably bring up exclusivity before she sleeps with the man. And a way to finesse it is to bring up the safe sex issue of having multiple sexual partners and say that you are sexually monogamous and expect the same from your partner. 

And if she is someone who expects exclusivity from the word go probably you aren't compatible. 

I would also be uncomfortable if after only a few dates a woman would expect me to delete my dating profile and stop dating other women and even more uncomfortable if this expectation wasn't communicated to me but implicitly assumed (i.e. I'm expected to be a mind reader) and then ghosted instead of being confronted about it. At least with a confrontation you have the chance to have a discussion about exclusivity and come to some kind of compromise and at least if a woman asks for exclusivity you can decide whether or not you are prepared to offer it or not. 

So I think she hasn't exactly been fair to you and you haven't really done anything wrong. But like I said these kind of situations can arise in casual dating with misunderstandings and sudden and seemingly inexplicable changes of heart and it is important not to take it personally and just move on to the next one. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

Will be more careful in future. 

Yes definitely. If she saw you playing around on apps while having sex with her, she doesn't owe you an explanation about "ghosting". She may have decided to just walk away with no drama or excuses. You barely know each other. So just move forward with newly learned approaches.

[boltnrun]

Why do you consider the dates a "waste"? What outcome would cause you to not consider dating a "waste"? 

If you expect every date to lead to a relationship that's a whole different set of issues. 

8 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

time & money wasted

 

[smackie9]

You both should have talked about expectations. Everyone dates differently and has certain expectations.