Two cats, tension in home, medication, what to do?

[Seraphim]

I can’t remember if you answered about the play time . 

[Seraphim]

These are my two boys ❤️

[LootieTootie]

8 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I can’t remember if you answered about the play time . 

Same... I would like you to answer this too.

Do you play with your cats? If so, how many minutes/hours? Do you have cat toys for them? Providing them exercise is a lot less expensive and safer than medication.

Pets are like children. Some pets have higher energy level and require more stimulation than their siblings. 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Is it bad that I lock Lola in with me all night in my room? I am usually up a million times if I let them be free together, door open. Damon will cuddle in bed sometimes, but he only lasts a few hours, then scares he off the bed, is making all sorts of noise around the room, fighting with her,  and then I feel stressed, so I've been locking Lola in with me at night. I let her out halfway through night. Give them some treats, then lock her back in. Last night, I only got up once, I slept like a baby. And honestly it felt so good. I know Damon would like to cuddle on the bed, but he also causes problems with Lola and if I lock them both out, they fight, so I do it to protect Lola. 

Is this bad?

I'm trying my best here. 

No, it's not bad. Separating them, especially at night, is a good idea. I'd give him more cuddle time during the day. The thing to watch is whether locking her with you raises more jealousy in him.

Chances are, he may enjoy the break from feeling in competition with her. If he starts objecting to being left out, maybe test alternating the two between being in your room versus out in the house.

I just want to say thank you for doing your very best for these animals. I understand it can be challenging, and I hope that your little mister's issues improve.

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Same... I would like you to answer this too.

Do you play with your cats? If so, how many minutes/hours? Do you have cat toys for them? Providing them exercise is a lot less expensive and safer than medication.

Pets are like children. Some pets have higher energy level and require more stimulation than their siblings. 

They have a million toys. They play in little spurts of 10 minutes multiple times a day. 

 

I'm at my wits end. I can't live like this. When they are awake, I can't even make a piece of toasted bread without having to look over my shoulder and Damon comes up to stretch on my legs constantly over and over. I can't take it anymore. 

An instance like tonight. I'm tired, wanting to go to bed. Can't get Lola in bedroom locked in with me. I got her in once, and Damon was crying so loud at door. I let her out. I felt bad. If I let then both in,he chases her horrible on the bed. 

He's chasing her. I can't sit on couch to watch TV. He's jumping near me chasing her which could lead to me getting attacked. 

So I jump up. I'm tired. I try giving little treats and getting Lola back in my room. Damon keeps trying to come in too. No one lives like this. I'm not comfortable in my hhome. I feel overwhelmed. I am trying to keep Lola safe from his pursuit of her. I know I will hear her cry from outside my door anytime now, so I can't relax and sleep. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm living in hellll.  

[Alex39]

Damon doesn't let Lola play. When it's play time, he takes over all playing. He bullies her. She loves playing when he isn't around. When he walks in, she stops and hides in the corner. He goes right over and takes what he wants. 

Lola now is over grooming and biting her fur off. On the off chance I get to play with her, she licks incessantly. Especially as I'm playing with her. I throw a toy, she runs happily, then is going nuts licking. She has bald spots on the backs of all four legs and now her tail. 

I worry it's from the Damon stress. I love Lola.  Maybe her quality of life isn't as good as I'm trying to make it. I literally just spent all my money on vet bills, medication, new litter box with more litter,  new toys, treats,food for the medication to go in, new cat perches and condos. They had lots before, but I'm trying so hard. It's not working. I've spent at least $500 in days. I'm working so hard, but I'm failing. I feel like it's never going to be okay. I want to keep Lola. Damon isn't good though and I'm scared of him sometimes. But he can be nice sometiimes. I'm at my breaking point. I love animals. I love these cats. But I wish I was alone here now. My life is not a life anymore. I'm young, only 31. I want to meet someone and get married and have kids. How can I ever do that with all these issues?

 

[MissCanuck]

You sound like you're looking for permission to give Damon away. 

Are you? 

[Jaunty]

To me it sounds like Damon needs to live somewhere else.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm not comfortable in my home.  I can't relax and sleep. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm living in hellll.  

How long have you had the cats? Unfortunately not everyone is cut out to be a pet owner. That's ok. It's not inhumane to admit that having household animals stresses you out so much that all three of you are unhappy.

Even though pets can offer comfort and companionship, some people are just not pet people. If you and the cats are all miserable, perhaps it's better to live in a pet free environment. That's ok too. 

[Batya33]

This as an outsider -disclaimer -has taken quite a dramatic turn - to hell and I can't live like this and I want to get married -hopefully you're just venting.  I haven't been a cat owner since 1989 but I was one for 13 years so I hope that counts (I mean in my family home where I lived that whole time).  I loved my cat and he was part of our family.  We all loved him! From that perspective if you feel that strongly yes rehome Damon.  Your home isn't the right place for Damon. 

(As perspective my friend felt guilty over the weekend for skipping her grandson's bday party at a restaurant -she has a new puppy who is in training right now and puppy is not ready to be left alone for the type of time span at that time of day - I completely understood her thinking - her prioritizing puppy over her grandson/family and supported her decision) 

Would I say this if Damon were a human boy? No.  I realize to some there's no difference. To me there is.  It's totally fine if others feel differently -it's a sensitive topic! Also you live alone so there's no one else you need to consult with or who will be strongly affected by a rehoming decision.

[Seraphim]

I think you were looking for therapy, right Alex? It is time to explore about why you are distressed about every situation of your life, family , work, friends, co workers, cats, strangers etc etc . It is time for professional assessment. 

[Alex39]

I love Damon. I love Lola. It wasn't always like this. When they got along years ago things were much better. I miss that. I love both cats. They are my family. I had a freak out last night. Lola biting her fur off,me being scared, my having to give medicine twice a day for God knows how long. I'm really trying to do everything I can here. I just feel like I'm putting in so much effort and money and not seeing great results. I want this to work. It has to work. I love being a pet owner. I love my pets. I guess I just never thought it'd be this way. My family has had cats our whole life and it was never this hard and demanding. I have two young cays, 4 and 3. I want us to have a life together. I'll try anything. But at the expense of my life? Somewhat, but how much is a limit? I sit here thinking, how could I ever meet a guy and have him over, then have cats running all over us with the potential of a fight or attack? What guy will want me now with my per struggles? 

[Seraphim]

You’re catastrophizing. You know your cats  feel your very chaotic energy, right? You need to be calm to deal with them. 
 

In regards to playing I am not talking about how many toys they have and if they play on their own I am asking if you actively play with him. As in get toys and play with him and make him work out for at least 2 to 5 minutes. This reduces agression. Cats are predators and being stuck in the house. They have nothing to prey upon so if they are bored, they will find something. If you wear him out that prey drive goes away for a while, but you must make a concerted effort every day to play specifically with him.
 

Your issues with cats have nothing to do with finding a partner. 

[MissCanuck]

43 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

What guy will want me now with my per struggles? 

This is a huge part of your problem - you're turning a an entirely unrelated issue into a (hypotherical)  romantic one. 

While you're struggling to get a handle on your cats, what exactly are you doing to get your own anxiety under control? You got into crisis-mode often. You need help, Alex. This is not just about fussy cats. It's about their intensely high-strung, anxiety-ridden owner, too. 

[boltnrun]

Animals pick up on our moods. Cats are highly intuitive creatures. If you're stressed, fearful and anxious they will be too. If you're panicking thinking "Please get along or I'll never find a boyfriend!" they will sense it and react.

Are you receiving professional help for your anxiety?

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, Seraphim said:

You’re catastrophizing. You know your cats  feel your very chaotic energy, right? You need to be calm to deal with them. 
 

In regards to playing I am not talking about how many toys they have and if they play on their own I am asking if you actively play with him. As in get toys and play with him and make him work out for at least 2 to 5 minutes. This reduces agression. Cats are predators and being stuck in the house. They have nothing to prey upon so if they are bored, they will find something. If you wear him out that prey drive goes away for a while, but you must make a concerted effort every day to play specifically with him.
 

Your issues with cats have nothing to do with finding a partner. 

I do play with them myself, but I definitely think I could play more and will start doing that. I've been so busy trying to separate out their resources, food, litter, space etc to try and make them more comfortable. 

I have some days I play more with them than other days. But I am going to try. Damon seems to need a lot of play. Over what a normal cat wants. 

 

I really want this to work. I had a freak out last night. But today is much better and I think I do need to try and relax a bit. Be less anxious. 

 

[Alex39]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is a huge part of your problem - you're turning a an entirely unrelated issue into a (hypotherical)  romantic one. 

While you're struggling to get a handle on your cats, what exactly are you doing to get your own anxiety under control? You got into crisis-mode often. You need help, Alex. This is not just about fussy cats. It's about their intensely high-strung, anxiety-ridden owner, too. 

I do get too anxious. I see last night as a perfect example. I needed to stay calm. I was tired and cranky. I feel much better ttoday. I can take a breath and I see that not panicking and hyping myself up. Things are not that bad. I need to work on staying more relaxed. 

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Animals pick up on our moods. Cats are highly intuitive creatures. If you're stressed, fearful and anxious they will be too. If you're panicking thinking "Please get along or I'll never find a boyfriend!" they will sense it and react.

Are you receiving professional help for your anxiety?

My therapist is on maternity leave. But I do see how last night wasn't good. I was tired and cranky and feeling hopeless. I'm feeling much more well rested and calm today. 

 

I need to diligently try to lessen my anxiety, not be so scared of Damon. He is a nice boy. And keep trying my best to work on myself, and the cats home. I really want this to work. I have to be hopeful. There will be good days and bad days. I can do this. I need to keep up with a positive and hopeful attitude. 

[Seraphim]

Being scared of a cat leads it to treating you like prey. 

[Seraphim]

51 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do play with them myself, but I definitely think I could play more and will start doing that. I've been so busy trying to separate out their resources, food, litter, space etc to try and make them more comfortable. 

I have some days I play more with them than other days. But I am going to try. Damon seems to need a lot of play. Over what a normal cat wants. 

 

I really want this to work. I had a freak out last night. But today is much better and I think I do need to try and relax a bit. Be less anxious. 

 

Like people not all cats are the same and some need more exercise. 

[Coily]

I have had a few cats through the years, and the ones which tended to act aggressive like Damon is portraying tend to need a lot more attention. He's in need of some good quality time with his human, and yes while he does get played with it may not be exclusive enough for him. Have you shut Lola away so you can play with him exclusively?

Depending on the size of your place, could you put both of them in their own spaces at night, with neither being in your bedroom? If you can do this, Lola will need to be put up first, so Damon can see he's getting some territorial dominance.

Also is he a specific breed? A friend of mine who has three, when she moved had to seperate them until the got comfortable in the new house, then slowly integrated them back together.

How much other stimulation do they get? Do they have windoe to look out of, can you take them outside (even if you have to halter train them).

I live in a place where my cats can come and go as they please, so they burn a lot of energy that way; but that's not the case for most people. But giving them places to explore and hide helps most cats burn up that energy.

It could be that you need to rehome one, but try some of the recommendations and see if you can make some progress.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Coily said:

He's in need of some good quality time with his human, and yes while he does get played with it may not be exclusive enough for him. Have you shut Lola away so you can play with him exclusively?

Yes. Tire him out! He may be bored and depressed.

Give Lola a couple treats and some quiet time in another room with toys and extra soft throws. Then whip out a feathery thing-on-a-string on the end of a stick, and drag that around the house until Himself is either exhausted or becomes distracted by something else he wants to play with while he's all wound up.

Do this a few times a day. Throw a toy and let him go after it, then fake-chase him.

You may want to use your hallway. Try throwing one toy at a time down to the end. After he chases the first, throw the next and the next and see what he does from the receiving end. Say the toy name as you throw each to teach him what they're called. Then join him at his end of the hallway and throw each one at a time to the other end of the hall.

Over some weeks he will learn their names, and you can test this by randomly asking him to go get 'Bunny!' or go get 'Turtle!' Whenever he gets it right, give him a treat.

Use two brushes on him: hold one steady that he can grind his face into while you stroke his body with the other. Brushing might get him wild again, so play a bit more afterward.

Let him play on lesser valued laundry when folding or let him hide under sheets when you make your bed. Leave things undone for a while so he can relax with them and cool down. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Being scared of a cat leads it to treating you like prey. 

Agree. Animals can sense your stress and panic. Although you take care of them and try your best, if you're this stressed out this frequently, it may be best to reconsider whether you're a pet person or not.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My therapist is on maternity leave. But I do see how last night wasn't good.

Your therapist made no options available to you for coverage during this time?

That would make me doubt this therapist. 

Consider using your company's Employee Assistance Program (EAP) for the free sessions (usually 3 or 4) while you decide whether the therapist might be a good match for you during the maternity absence of your own.

Do this by comparing the list of your local EAP providers with the list of providers on your insurance. This way, if you like an EAP therapist, you can continue to work with that person through your insurance plan.

You may end up finding a better therapist than the one who left you high-and-dry.

 

[boltnrun]

Unfortunately therapists and support professionals are human too and that means they too can drop the ball. My psychologist told me she would email me to schedule our next appointment. That was in November. I haven't heard from her since.

If your anxiety is overwhelming to this point it's important to get care asap. As you know, we can't just talk ourselves out of being anxious although it would be nice if we could.