Am I abusive? Or a pushover?

[Meltired5]

Me (39F) and boyfriend (37M) moved away together during covid. Work was slow for everyone including myself, so I thought this was why his was slow for him as well. I bought a house and we had an agreement that he would pay a reduced rent and later once he had invested enough, I would include him on the title. He had promised to help around the house as well to improve some things/renos since he had worked as a carpenter. This never happened even once. His passion is in the film industry and wanted to pursue this work as well. I didn't mind what he was doing, as long as he paid the agreed amount of rent (which was lower than anywhere and included all of his bills). For many months he failed to pay rent, and would give $100 here and there, but I was always left short. He said he didn't like the job or this and that and would get fired or quit, sometimes on a weekly basis. He would smoke weed all day and drink a few times a week. Usually with signs of anger on and off.

One of the issues was that I always lived in the city and used the subway and part of his end was to do the driving and help me with a license since the area was quite remote. I was stupid and "co-purchased" a vehicle with him. Well, you can imagine how that went. I found out he wasn't making payments and it ruined my credit. It was one thing after another and I told him on multiple occasions that if he wasn't going to pull his weight, he had to leave. I had even packed up his things a few times, but he would say he had no money and there were no rentals (it is very tough to find a rental where we live). Of course there would be excuses and I desperately wanted this to work since I had invested so much, so I kept giving more chances. The worst part of all was that he was showing unpredictable/erratic signs of anger and was even fired from one job for "aggressive behaviour." He was drinking now and then and showing aggression the day after to neighbours, random people, bosses etc and losing his temper often. I wasn't sure what version of him I was going to get day to day. He would often break or punch things, just snap out of nowhere screaming about something.

One night I woke up to him punch the dresser beside my bed because I was snoring. I had spent all day painting the basement suite without help from him. He stormed out and punched the door when he left the room. I had enough at this point and followed him into the room and slammed open the door and screamed that "I have had enough!!" It left a dent where the handle was. Of course then he begged for another chance. Things lasted a short time after and ended just after my birthday. I spent it alone etc because he had no money and didn't bother to find another way to make it pleasant. Instead I received a ticket from the police saying he was speeding in my car. Still no rent money and it was almost a year now. He ruined my credit, borrowed $5000 he said he would use for equipment for this career he was trying to build (film), and he was driving dangerously with me in the car this day. I got out, walked home and he followed and continued to beg etc again. I screamed "I have had enough, get out of my house!!" and I had a snack size yogurt in my hand. I threw it at the wall. He then said I am abusive and that no matter what I should never throw things (after seeing him punch, throw, destroy things many times). In my mind it was like I was speaking his language. He told me he was then leaving me because I was so horribly abusive for treating him that way, threatening to kick him out when he was trying his best, and I just said here, I will help you. I packed his stuff and threw him out. Because of the housing crisis and quite frankly I didn't want him to have any excuses, I paid for his deposit to rent a room elsewhere (yes I know that was being too nice probably).

I have since kicked him out, gotten my licence and will never lend anyone money or hopefully be taken advantage again. I feel covid made things a bit less clear for me (I would have seen that he had no friends or work ethic usually). I felt like he was gaslighting me which was the worst of it all. I am not sure if I should feel guilt for anything other than being taken advantage of. And of course he got a minimum wage job right after I kicked him out finally. Thoughts?

[Coily]

I’d say good riddance to bad trash.  The guy is a leech at best.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Meltired5 said:

I have since kicked him out, gotten my licence and will never lend anyone money or hopefully be taken advantage again. 

You made the right decision. Do you feel like a weight has been lifted?

[Kwothe28]

If you have to ask if you are an abuser, you probably arent one. Abusers do stuff on purpose and dont care. They wouldnt even question if they are wrong. Just look at the incident as "one time outburst". 

I would worry about "a pushover" thing. You allowed "a leech" to move in with you. Take advantage of you in any way and even leave debts in your name. And at the end, yes, gaslight you like its you at fault and how its your fault. And you even rent him out a room elsewhere. That guy didnt deserve to say "Hi" to him in the street. And you, after everything he did, even paid him a room. You cant act in that way. Because, as you saw, when people sense that they could take advantage of you, they would. Be more firm and dont allow stuff like that in the future. 

[Seraphim]

Good Riddance to the trash . Good for you!

[MissCanuck]

You are not an abuser. This dude is nuts, and barking loudly to distract from his own threatening and unacceptable behaviour. 

You are, however, in dire need of some counselling to help you understand your own codependent, enabling tendencies. Firming up your boundaries and working on your self-esteem will help prepare you to walk away from men like this in the future. 

[Cherylyn]

No, don't feel guilty.  Good riddance to him!  Better to do this than drag this out.  Feel relieved!

[eastcoastgal]

No you are not an abuser. HE IS. He took advantage. What you did is called reactive abuse. Its when you get blamed for your reaction to their abuse. It's a trap they set. It's good that you're out of it.