About love and limerence: am I still in love?

[Alessandra Loi]

Hello there! I'm new on here Let me know if I need to do a presentation 
I'm Alex, I'm a girl and I'm 21 years old and I want to kindly ask you some relationship advice

Three months ago I broke up with my ex boyfriend because of poor communication in the last month of our relationship (that lasted about a year) , but I still loved him a lot and truly think he is my soul mate  because of the beautiful connection we have (I don't actually believe in soul mates but you know what I meant) 
The problem is: since I thought our relationship couldn't be saved, I decided to stupidly look for another guy on a dating app

While looking at the guys in the dating app, I didn't truly want to find another boyfriend but still wanted my ex
Unfortunately I found a guy on Badoo that I immediately started to find interesting but a few days after talking to him, I had already lost interest and wanted to get back with my ex because I missed him
The problem is that I found out that by chatting with that guy my feelings for my ex became less strong

Now, after three months, I don't care at all about the guy on the dating app but I still feel like I don't love my ex like I used too and I can't explain how frustrating this is because I used to be madly in love with him
I still care about him a lot and want him to be my boyfriend and I would marry him in the future because of how beautiful our relationship was (except for the last month)
Currently we are trying to fix our relationship and found our connection again and had fantastic deep conversations, as deep as the ones we used to have when we were together last year

The thing is: when I touch his skin it doesn't feel as good as it did and the world seems less colorful and warm (you know the feeling of seeing everything more colorful when you're in love) and I don't like sex with him anymore Taken all of this in consideration, I can't see my future with anybody else but him and I have zero interest in dating someone else
Apart from this, we still have a fantastic connection mentally and I still like kissing him and saying "I love you", even if a bit less
I don't see him as a friend in the absolute way and I truly want to feel like I used to and marry him
Analyzing myself I found out it's not only about our relationship, but it's also about how depressed I feel without the chemicals that were in my brain when I was madly in love
I didnt't only lost interesting in sex, but I also see the world grey and sad 

I hope this is not too confusing
Now, do you think I could get my "madly in love" feeling back? Do you think I stopped loving him totally or is it just the limerence phase that is gone? (I know you can't read my mind but I want some opinions based on experiences)
Thank you in advance if you will post your opinion or give me your advice

[Andrina]

When you're willing to let someone go even once, it means you're just not that into him. People who care work on their problems while together. They don't bail.

If he knew how you're feeling, do you really think he'd want to stay with you? I know if a partner felt about me the way you're feeling, I'd want him to let me go for a final time.

Maybe go solo for some time to find fulfillment in yourself without having a companion for the moment. When I was young, I wished I'd done that and not always felt the need to be coupled up at every moment.

[bluecastle]

From the outside looking in, here's what I see: 

Much as you want to feel all these big feelings for your boyfriend—because they feel great to experience, because it's lonesome and scary not feelings them—the hard truth is that you just...don't. You can pepper in fancy terms like limerence to analyze that truth and try to turn it into a pill you can swallow, but at the end of the day a lack is a lack is a lack. 

In other words, you broke up with him for a good reason: crucial ingredients were lacking, something that often surfaces after a year with someone. But it seems that you've struggled to just be alone in your own skin, to process the loss rather than think of it as a void that needs immediate filling, be that be with a dude from a dating app or a Relationship 2.0 with your boyfriend.  

And all that jittery bouncing around? It's very human, and very common, especially when, like you guys, you're young, new to relationships, still getting your bearings. But big picture? While the yummy, druggy sensation of early love-lust does change shape over time, when it's with the right person it expands rather than contracts. Or, put more bluntly, you still very much want to touch and romp around, not just wheeze on the little dopamine hits that come with saying ILY. 

In a perfect world, or at least a more cut and dried one, when we end a relationship we'd have zero feelings for the person we're ending it with. Alas, that's not how it always goes. Oftentimes, as you're experiencing, there's a lot of warmth and fondness remaining, even if, in our guts, we know it's not enough for a sustainable relationship. That's why it's important to grieve for a bit, to battle contradictory feelings without reacting to them, to work through and let go.  

Probably not what you want to hear, as I know a recipe for reentering la-la land with this guy would be ideal. But I think what you really want in life is something you're likely to find once you accept that this connection, for all its pluses, is not the one to hang your hat on. 

 

[Batya33]

I was willing to let my fiancee go and cancel the wedding.  I had too many doubts about whether he was the one, whether I felt enough and on and on.  Almost 8 years later we got back together and it worked because we'd both changed a lot and in complementary ways.  It worked.  We clicked, we fell in love again.  We married and had a child and have been married almost 15 years now.

I find it interesting that so much of your description about love is about you -your feelings, what you want to feel, how much you feel and how  you miss that in love feeling.  Part of love is a feeling.  To me the more important part in a committed romantic relationship is loving as giving and acting on the desire to give.  Giving how the other person likes to be given to, giving when you'd rather not have to because it requires sacrifices -like when you're tired, overworked, etc. 

And then it's not about the pheromones or how his skin tastes or whether you feel butterflies and how many of those winged creatures -it's loving as giving -and giving to maintain and develop your commitment to each other -the romantic love that is part of a committed relationship.

As opposed to two people who love each other but are not interested in commitment -then the giving part is a bit different since the two people are not partners, are not a team, don't have future goals together. Then often the love is more about what each is feeling -more self-focused.  

You're just not that into him anymore.  That's ok.  I don't agree that it can never work but I don't think it can work right now.  I also think maybe as you get older your perspective on love as a feeling will shift over more to the importance of loving as giving.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Alessandra Loi said:

While looking at the guys in the dating app, I didn't truly want to find another boyfriend but still wanted my ex
Unfortunately I found a guy on Badoo that I immediately started to find interesting but a few days after talking to him, I had already lost interest and wanted to get back with my ex because I missed him
The problem is that I found out that by chatting with that guy my feelings for my ex became less strong

You're still in mourning over your ex, you are NOT ready to go date again.  That all takes time & don't be rebounding ( that hurts others 😕 ).  But only date when you do truly feel you're all okay are ARE over an ex.  

 

3 hours ago, Alessandra Loi said:

Now, after three months, I don't care at all about the guy on the dating app but I still feel like I don't love my ex like I used too and I can't explain how frustrating this is because I used to be madly in love with him
I still care about him a lot and want him to be my boyfriend and I would marry him in the future because of how beautiful our relationship was (except for the last month)

Yes, you still 'care' for him a lot- but i can't say its love.

You pulled away from him due to lack of communication and I feel you just felt there was sumthin lacking in that relationship. But, does not mean go running back to him just because you 'miss' him. ( If you run back & same thing happens, shows you did it too fast & the reason for the BU has not been fixed).

You are still young and learning.  You need to learn what is right for you and is normal to walk away from a relationship & be curious on someone new. ( Is common to spread our wings to seek what feels right for us). 🙂 

So, I think you came to realize, in time, this just isn't for you. And feelings & interest began to fade.  We can't make ourselves love other's, vice-versa.

 

[MissCanuck]

You're putting way too much pressure on yourself. 

You are very young and outgrew your relationship with your boyfriend. It's normal, especially when you're at your age. You don't have those feelings anymore for your ex, and it's not going to be worth trying. What you are describing doesn't have legs to last in the long-term. It is what it is, and you have realized you aren't into him like that. 

Take some time being single. Date around a little. Not every guy is going to be your match, but that also doesn't mean your ex is right for you. He is very clearly not. Get to know yourself better. Enjoy having the world at your fingertips. The right guy will eventually come into your life. This one (ex) isn't him. 

[Alessandra Loi]

On 3/1/2023 at 11:59 PM, Andrina said:

When you're willing to let someone go even once, it means you're just not that into him. People who care work on their problems while together. They don't bail.

If he knew how you're feeling, do you really think he'd want to stay with you? I know if a partner felt about me the way you're feeling, I'd want him to let me go for a final time.

Maybe go solo for some time to find fulfillment in yourself without having a companion for the moment. When I was young, I wished I'd done that and not always felt the need to be coupled up at every moment.

He knows about all of this and of course he doesn't feel good and I don't feel good for not being sure about my feelings It's a real hell for the both of us and I thought about letting him go to allow him to find someone else but I also fear that he could find someone else and never come back to me 

I just want to feel the same excitement that I had before breaking up with him and come back to him like never happened because I miss him and care a lot about him 

[Alessandra Loi]

On 3/2/2023 at 12:49 AM, Batya33 said:

I was willing to let my fiancee go and cancel the wedding.  I had too many doubts about whether he was the one, whether I felt enough and on and on.  Almost 8 years later we got back together and it worked because we'd both changed a lot and in complementary ways.  It worked.  We clicked, we fell in love again.  We married and had a child and have been married almost 15 years now.

I find it interesting that so much of your description about love is about you -your feelings, what you want to feel, how much you feel and how  you miss that in love feeling.  Part of love is a feeling.  To me the more important part in a committed romantic relationship is loving as giving and acting on the desire to give.  Giving how the other person likes to be given to, giving when you'd rather not have to because it requires sacrifices -like when you're tired, overworked, etc. 

And then it's not about the pheromones or how his skin tastes or whether you feel butterflies and how many of those winged creatures -it's loving as giving -and giving to maintain and develop your commitment to each other -the romantic love that is part of a committed relationship.

As opposed to two people who love each other but are not interested in commitment -then the giving part is a bit different since the two people are not partners, are not a team, don't have future goals together. Then often the love is more about what each is feeling -more self-focused.  

You're just not that into him anymore.  That's ok.  I don't agree that it can never work but I don't think it can work right now.  I also think maybe as you get older your perspective on love as a feeling will shift over more to the importance of loving as giving.

I do give to him, I truly want to make him happy but even if I do that, I feel to bad emotionally 

I think it's because I fear that I don't love hin anymore and this makes me depressed (and I already am clinically depressed) 

I want him to be happy with or without me but I struggle to let him go because if I do and then my feelings come back, he might be with someone else and our connection is so strong that we both would probably be unhappy with someone else And I'm not saying this to brag about it but because he said that too 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Alessandra Loi said:

want him to be happy with or without me but I struggle to let him go because if I do and then my feelings come back, he might be with someone else and our connection is so strong that we both would probably be unhappy with someone else And I'm not saying this to brag about it but because he said that too 

It's not giving or fair to keep him around in case your feelings come back. Your focus is on wanting to feel a certain way -not to do what's right for him. That's self-absorbed.  Not giving.  I think your clinical depression triggers this inward focus.  Id work on that before trying to be in a healtful romantic relationship.  I'm sorry.

[Alessandra Loi]

On 3/5/2023 at 12:22 AM, Batya33 said:

It's not giving or fair to keep him around in case your feelings come back. Your focus is on wanting to feel a certain way -not to do what's right for him. That's self-absorbed.  Not giving.  I think your clinical depression triggers this inward focus.  Id work on that before trying to be in a healtful romantic relationship.  I'm sorry.

No, what you said is right 

I've already talked to him about not trying to fix the relationship to let him go and possibly be happier, but he doesn't want to let me go either We both think we won't find someone as good because our relationship was the best, a part from a short period of time But I do think it would be the best for him 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/1/2023 at 5:12 PM, Alessandra Loi said:

Currently we are trying to fix our relationship and found our connection again and had fantastic deep conversations, as deep as the ones we used to have when we were together last year.

Why not focus on reconciliation with the ex BF since you both seem to want that? If that's the case, end it with the dating app man and take dating others out of the equation so it's less confusing. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Alessandra Loi said:

We both think we won't find someone as good because our relationship was the best

That is a really bad excuse of staying in the relationship. What if somebody else shows up? Would you cheat on your boyfriend or leave relationship to try if that somebody is a better match?

You both deserve better. You are very young, you both have plenty of time to meet somebody better. There is simply no need of staying in the relationship just to be in the relationship. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Alessandra Loi said:

No, what you said is right 

I've already talked to him about not trying to fix the relationship to let him go and possibly be happier, but he doesn't want to let me go either We both think we won't find someone as good because our relationship was the best, a part from a short period of time But I do think it would be the best for him 

I agree with what Andrina wrote.  It's your obligation to figure out the truth of "why" you don't want to let him go and here the truth seems to be based on fear and settling.  Neither are healthful for a relationship let alone an LTR.

[Alessandra Loi]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not focus on reconciliation with the ex BF since you both seem to want that? If that's the case, end it with the dating app man and take dating others out of the equation so it's less confusing. 

Maybe I didn't explain well, sorry... I stopped talking to the guy on the dating app after two or three days and I 100% don't care about him anymore The problem is that by talking to him I started feeling like I don't love my ex anymore It's been 3 months and I still feel that way 

I still like talking to him but kissing and cuddling is not the same anymore and I'm so depressed... I don't want to hurt him by standing here like a phantom that craves the past 

I'd want to make him happy again He's not happy either because he knows my feelings changed and I don't see him as a friend at all         

I just feel like I want to enjoy cuddling him again because it mare us happy and he truly deserves to smile 

[Alessandra Loi]

8 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is a really bad excuse of staying in the relationship. What if somebody else shows up? Would you cheat on your boyfriend or leave relationship to try if that somebody is a better match?

You both deserve better. You are very young, you both have plenty of time to meet somebody better. There is simply no need of staying in the relationship just to be in the relationship. 

Of course I would never cheat. And I'm not staying in the relationship just to say I'm in a relationship but because we both were so happy and I stupidly hope we can go back to that with time 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alessandra Loi said:

Maybe I didn't explain well, sorry... I stopped talking to the guy on the dating app after two or three days and I 100% don't care about him anymore The problem is that by talking to him I started feeling like I don't love my ex anymore It's been 3 months and I still feel that way 

I still like talking to him but kissing and cuddling is not the same anymore and I'm so depressed... I don't want to hurt him by standing here like a phantom that craves the past 

I'd want to make him happy again He's not happy either because he knows my feelings changed and I don't see him as a friend at all         

I just feel like I want to enjoy cuddling him again because it mare us happy and he truly deserves to smile 

If he deserves to smile you will let him go to find someone who is not ambivalent about him and focused so much on regaining in love feelings.

[Alessandra Loi]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

If he deserves to smile you will let him go to find someone who is not ambivalent about him and focused so much on regaining in love feelings.

I'll probably do it He's sad about letting me go as well but he will get over it eventually and maybe one day I will too 

[Batya33]

Just now, Alessandra Loi said:

Of course I would never cheat. And I'm not staying in the relationship just to say I'm in a relationship but because we both were so happy and I stupidly hope we can go back to that with time 

Has nothing to do with hope.  Take the actions of giving to him and of receiving what he has to give.  If you are not happy in that sort of interaction and if you aren't sure he is the right person for you anymore then let him go and if in the future you two reconnect in a way where you desire each other romantically and in every way you can consider it then.  You don't stay with someone based on passively hoping things will change.

[Alessandra Loi]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Has nothing to do with hope.  Take the actions of giving to him and of receiving what he has to give.  If you are not happy in that sort of interaction and if you aren't sure he is the right person for you anymore then let him go and if in the future you two reconnect in a way where you desire each other romantically and in every way you can consider it then.  You don't stay with someone based on passively hoping things will change.

Our problem with letting go is that we both are 100% we are the right person for the other 

I already desire him romantically My problem is just that I feel a difference when hugging and kissing. I literally crave for a kiss and get disappointed when I notice it doesn't feel good It's just about that but the trust and care are there. I love him in another sense and it's not as a friend 

If I hadn't met someone else and had just a bit of interest for few days after breaking up with my ex, we would be happily back together 

I guess right person, wrong time or just my stupid brain deleting good feelings because of a dude that I cared about for three days 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Alessandra Loi said:

Our problem with letting go is that we both are 100% we are the right person for the other 

I already desire him romantically My problem is just that I feel a difference when hugging and kissing. I literally crave for a kiss and get disappointed when I notice it doesn't feel good It's just about that but the trust and care are there. I love him in another sense and it's not as a friend 

If I hadn't met someone else and had just a bit of interest for few days after breaking up with my ex, we would be happily back together 

I guess right person, wrong time or just my stupid brain deleting good feelings because of a dude that I cared about for three days 

All of this means that you two are not right for each other for the long term.  Your brain isn't deleting anything.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  You got more pleasure leaving him and pursuing someone else which is normal when you are not with  the right person.  You are not enjoying kissing him because he is not right for you.  We crave all sorts of things and it doesn't mean that once we get what we crave we want what we get.  Wanting the other person showed  you that you're not all in with this person anymore.  

Things would be much easier if we could be into the person who objectively is the 100% right person for us - you have the memory of him being the right person in the past.  Then things changed.  You acted on that change by pursuing someone else and rather quickly. 

[bluecastle]

9 minutes ago, Alessandra Loi said:

Our problem with letting go is that we both are 100% we are the right person for the other 

What if I told you that I 100% believed that strawberries were the right food for me but added that, when I eat strawberries, my throat closes up and I can't breathe? 

Odds are you would tell me that my 100% belief was just that: a notion that I was clinging to rather than a scientific fact. The right food for me, you'd likely say, is not one that, no matter how sweet, prevents me from breathing. 

Letting something and someone go is very hard. It means feeling lonely and unsure—for a stretch. It seems to me that what you're both doing right now, to some degree, is trying to avoid feeling lonely and unsure by telling yourselves stories of how you are perfect together but just need to rewire your brains and so on.

And yet, what is all this getting you? Another version of feeling lonely and unsure, right?

Call it the right person, call it the wrong time, label it how you wish. It does not need to be this pressurized. The feelings of loss? You can handle them—you both can. From the outside looking in I think this moment is trying to teach a very hard lesson in letting go.