Am I being too sensitive?

[Rutheee]

For a bit of background, my boyfriend (25 m) and I (24 f) have been together for almost a year and we have a newborn. We get into arguments often and they usually have something to do with how he talks to me. They aren't productive fights because I usually get so upset that I shut down. This triggers his anger and it's a viscous cycle. It's my fault for shutting down every time. He's told me to stop or else he's done. I just don't know how to deal with his emotions.

The latest ordeal was when I was changing our baby's diaper and it was getting messy. I didn't ask for his help because I knew he would stress me out, but he saw me and starting helping. I had to wash my hands and come back and when I did, he said "God d*****, what's taking you so long?", to which I didn't respond because I was hurt again by how he spoke to me. I know I'm sensitive, but it's to the point where I feel so anxious around him because I don't want him to make him angry. And I already know I'm going to hold onto this last incident. I think it hurts me because I couldn't talk to him that way and it's been an ongoing issue. I don't want to play victim - we both do things that upset each other - yet I do. It could be as easy as me understanding his frustration, forgiving him and moving on, but I want to be talked to with respect, like we're working together instead of against. I don't know what to do anymore and I wonder how others would go about something like this.

[smackie9]

You have to remember you have only been dating for less than a year and already responsible for a baby. Meaning you only knew each other for a couple of months before pregnancy. You barely knew each other or had time to figure out if you were compatible for a life together. It’s very overwhelming to him and you almost becoming instant parents. You had no emotional preparation so I can see why things are intense between you. It hard taking care of a baby. And the stress is what’s causing this. I suggest you both seek out professional counselling. Only then the two if you can learn to cope with the stress and learn to do proper communication.  

[MissCanuck]

Rather moot now, but this sounds like way too much, way too soon. 

You had a baby together when you were still getting to know each other. That is bound to create enormous stress and pressure on a fledgling romance. Parenting a newborn is hard in any case, but those hardships are absolutely magnified when you don't have the solid foundation of a longer relationship to support it. 

I think you two are realizing that you're not a good match. It's time to sit down together when you're both calm and have an honest, realistic talk about whether this relationship is actually viable. A therapist could probably help, but only if you are both on-board and invested in your future as a couple. If he is not, then you need to go your separate ways and set up a plan to co-parent. 

[Rutheee]

30 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You have to remember you have only been dating for less than a year and already responsible for a baby. Meaning you only knew each other for a couple of months before pregnancy. You barely knew each other or had time to figure out if you were compatible for a life together. It’s very overwhelming to him and you almost becoming instant parents. You had no emotional preparation so I can see why things are intense between you. It hard taking care of a baby. And the stress is what’s causing this. I suggest you both seek out professional counselling. Only then the two if you can learn to cope with the stress and learn to do proper communication.  

Yes, a more solid foundation is what we've  tried to build, but like you said, we were barely getting to know each other and under the stress of the pregnancy. His dad also passed away 2 months before finding out I was pregnant and this too fueled angry outbursts. Since then, he's worked on it and I appreciate that about him. However it's still an issue and maybe always will be. I feel selfish but also done being disrespected. Counseling is something I think he'd do with me.

[Rutheee]

44 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Rather moot now, but this sounds like way too much, way too soon. 

You had a baby together when you were still getting to know each other. That is bound to create enormous stress and pressure on a fledgling romance. Parenting a newborn is hard in any case, but those hardships are absolutely magnified when you don't have the solid foundation of a longer relationship to support it. 

I think you two are realizing that you're not a good match. It's time to sit down together when you're both calm and have an honest, realistic talk about whether this relationship is actually viable. A therapist could probably help, but only if you are both on-board and invested in your future as a couple. If he is not, then you need to go your separate ways and set up a plan to co-parent. 

It is definitely so much to handle for both of us and our communication issues are making us more stressed. And the stress causes us to act differently. I try to keep this in mind because I hate thinking we're incompatible, but it unfortunately mostly seems to be that way. I'm not sure if or when to we should call it quits, especially with a baby. I love him but don't like how I feel around him and I think he could relate. I think he'd go for therapy as an effort to work on us.

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Rutheee said:

It is definitely so much to handle for both of us and our communication issues are making us more stressed. And the stress causes us to act differently. I try to keep this in mind because I hate thinking we're incompatible, but it unfortunately mostly seems to be that way. I'm not sure if or when to we should call it quits, especially with a baby. I love him but don't like how I feel around him and I think he could relate. I think he'd go for therapy as an effort to work on us.

Imagine the stress your newborn is absorbing!  I’d separate and go to therapy if you need to work on co parenting. 

[Coily]

This is definitely one heck of a situation for you all.

With everything being so new for both of you, I think aside from counseling , you both need to look at how you communicate. You speak of his disrespectful words and tone, but what is the origin? is it him reacting? Is he this terse with everyone? Could he be reacting to his perception about your tone? Is he feeding off your being stressed and amping himself up? Or is he just a jerk?

it is very difficult for us to look at the other side in these situations. I think it is vitally important to look at what he does that makes you upset and think of solutions before talking about them. If you two want this relationship to work it's time he looks at it form your perspective, and you from his.

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, Rutheee said:

I had to wash my hands and come back and when I did, he said "God d*****, what's taking you so long?", to which I didn't respond because I was hurt again by how he spoke to me.

I don't know if therapy would work on someone who is just mean. 

[Cherylyn]

It's a character problem.  I agree, you are not treated with respect nor are both of you working as a team.  Both of you are incompatible and not meant to be with each other.  I agree with others regarding either counseling or separate and learn to co-parent.

Asking yourself if you're too sensitive is the same as gaslighting yourself.  You're deflecting from the real problem and changing your perception of the facts.  Either people gaslight you or you gaslight yourself by second guessing and doubting yourself.  Never do that and never accept others who gaslight you either. 

When my husband and I had newborn sons (and as they grew up), he was extremely helpful, considerate, empathetic and ALWAYS kind as it should be!  He took care of errands (grocery shopped + other local errands), housecleaning, cooking, laundry, baby / child tasks, always picked up the slack for me, etc.  I had never known a man who gave so much of himself to his wife and children.  (My husband is also reminiscent of his late father.)  He did anything.  This is how your boyfriend should be and he should be soft spoken; not harsh nor cruel.

The best thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother.  How true it is.  Never tolerate anything less.

[JTCW]

He's not coping because you have both been thrown into the deep end without a float.

Sounds like he feels resentment for your situation and takes it out on you.

What was his reaction to the pregnancy?

[SooSad33]

On 2/19/2023 at 1:34 PM, Rutheee said:

I had to wash my hands and come back and when I did, he said "God d*****, what's taking you so long?", to which I didn't respond because I was hurt again by how he spoke to me. I know I'm sensitive, but it's to the point where I feel so anxious around him because I don't want him to make him angry. And I already know I'm going to hold onto this last incident. I think it hurts me because I couldn't talk to him that way and it's been an ongoing issue. I don't want to play victim - we both do things that upset each other - yet I do. It could be as easy as me understanding his frustration, forgiving him and moving on, but I want to be talked to with respect, like we're working together instead of against.

First off, I'm thinking this baby was not planned so you two have an added stressor. ( with only being together only about a year?).

Sadly, you are experiencing an 'angry' man.  And you now fear him 😞 .  this is no way to be.

His outbursts are not on you to try & understand, forgive him & move on.  This is on him!

 

 

On 2/19/2023 at 1:34 PM, Rutheee said:

They aren't productive fights because I usually get so upset that I shut down. This triggers his anger and it's a viscous cycle. It's my fault for shutting down every time. He's told me to stop or else he's done. I just don't know how to deal with his emotions.

No, you are NOT at fault for anything.  It is him here.  You do not lose your cool with him. You do not have a vicious cycle!

He's now 'threatened' you.  To stop or else ( form of control).  Whether he's said this or not, I say you do end it.  Nothing here will ever improve being around him and your anxiety will continue 😕 .

So, yeah, be done with him.  Can you move back home if you can't get a place of your own?  Or move with a friend?  Anything but live with this crap!

You can arrange visitation ( If he actually wants to remain in this childs life...).  But, never let someone treat you like crap.  Be strong.. and be happy in your life. 

[Cherylyn]

The way he speaks to the mother of his child is filthy.  Never tolerate him.  Never become his verbal nor written punching bag.

Your boyfriend's disgusting behavior is intolerable and unacceptable.

[VibeWithViv]

Hey there! I can understand how frustrating and challenging it must be for you to deal with your boyfriend's behavior. It takes a lot of strength and courage to reach out for help and seek advice.

First of all, I want you to know that you are not alone in this. Many couples face communication issues and it's completely normal. The important thing is to work on it together as a team. It's great that you recognize that you both have things that upset each other, and that you don't want to play the victim. That shows a lot of maturity on your part.

However, it's also important to remember that you deserve to be talked to with respect and kindness. It's understandable that you get hurt when your boyfriend speaks to you in a hurtful manner, and it's not okay for him to threaten to end the relationship if you don't stop shutting down during arguments. That's not a healthy way to communicate.

It's okay to set boundaries and let your boyfriend know how you want to be treated. You can calmly explain to him how his words and actions affect you and how you would like to work on improving communication between the two of you. It's important to approach the conversation with a mindset of understanding and cooperation, rather than blame or defensiveness.

It's also important for both of you to work on managing your emotions during arguments. When you feel yourself shutting down, take a deep breath and try to stay present in the conversation. When your boyfriend gets angry, try to remain calm and not escalate the situation further. It's easier said than done, but with practice, it can become easier.

Remember, it's okay to ask for help when you need it. Consider couples therapy as an option to work on improving your communication and addressing any underlying issues. You're doing great, and I believe in you.