Situation with Best Friend & Woman

[Ian4996]

Hi all. Bit of a question on a 'situation'. It's a bit of an unusual question in that I'm not asking for advice on what to actually "do" but more because this situation is really messing with my head (I'm tossing and turning at night struggling to sleep because of it) and I'm just trying to rationalise why it's affected me so badly!

So to give a bit of background, I'm 39, male, single, using dating apps. I've used them for a good long while and almost always found them quite tough going - I did have a relationship of 3 or 4 months that ended a year and a bit ago but since then, I've not met anyone I've really hit it off with.

About 6 weeks ago, I matched with a woman (let's call her Emma) who seemed like a really good prospect. We seemed to have everything in common (e.g. my profile picture is of me running in a race and her first comment to me was "I'd have been about 100 metres behind you in that photo!"). Chat was really good, good long messages going back and forth several times a day and I was thinking "this has really got potential, we get on well and seem to have everything in common". I'd showed her photo to a few friends (when we were sat round in the pub and they asked me how dating was going).

 

After maybe 4 days, I was about to say 'let's swap numbers and fix up a date' before suddenly, out of the blue, bang, she unmatched me! Just deleted me. It was a proper 'what the f***!' moment. I just couldn't fathom it and, I'll be honest, it left me feeling pretty low for a couple of days afterwards.

Like all things though, it happened, it passed. I was still disappointed but I got out of my slump after a couple of days. This was until about 3 weeks later when my best mate (let's call him Ben) messaged me. Ben is also on the apps after his divorce and Emma had now swiped right on him. He knew I'd been talking to her (as he was 1 of the friends I'd shown her photo to in the pub) and wanted to ask what the score was. Essentially he was interested himself but was doing the decent mates thing of checking whether I was seeing Emma or had been seeing her. I told him the story exactly as I'd described it above and said “I never actually even met up with her, so nothing to stop you if you're interested in her”

Anyway, fast forward a couple of weeks. Ben and Emma have met up, had 2 or 3 dates and really hit it off. I should be happy for him (after all, he's my best mate, he's a good guy, and he's met someone who it seems to be going well with).

But it's really badly messed with my head! I've been lying awake at night tossing and turning thinking about it and it's made me feel quite rubbish. I don't normally consider myself to be a jealous person, and I'm well aware that, logically, how I feel is a gross over-reaction given that I have no history with this person other than a few days messaging on a dating app. So why do I feel this way? Struggling to get my head around it.

 

So just to re-iterate, I'm not looking for any advice on what to “do”. I know that the only decent thing to do is to leave Ben and Emma to it, the ship with Emma has well and truly sailed.

But what I am looking for a perspective on is why this has affected me so badly and why it's left me feeling the way I do.

 

[kctiger]

Let me be the first to tell you, as a good looking, successful guy myself, who is now 40, I still get blows to my ego. I don't care how much of an abundance mindset one has, or how confident one is in his situation, sometimes you feel slighted, and that's OK. You have every right to feel a bit down about how she suddenly unmatched you and now seems to be hitting it off with your best mate. That stings man. 

Again, I've been there. It's natural to feel this way and I think it has more to do with the fact she is now connecting with someone you're really close to, so you can't just put it out of your mind as easily as if she'd moved on and you never had to see or hear about her again. The constant wondering of what he has you don't, what did you say wrong, etc. It nags at you. Keep your head high and you'll eventually get on with the grind once again. If women don't give me a shot, then that's a "her problem", it isn't a "me problem." 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Ian4996 said:

After maybe 4 days, I was about to say 'let's swap numbers and fix up a date' before suddenly, out of the blue, bang, she unmatched me! 

Sorry this happened. It seems like you regret having missed an opportunity and hearing about how she moved on to your friend, just doesn't help. 

You're not asking for advice, however next time ask to meet after a couple of messages rather than the banter, exchanging pics and lateral moves like asking for numbers.  She blocked you because this can come across as anything from lack of interest to timewaster. Try to cut to the chase. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you feel icky -it's normal! It's not Emma's loss -it's a good thing they are enjoying each other's company - and it's fine you two were not a good match for whatever reason  And how thoughtful of Ben to check with you.  When I was dating including through dating sites this happened more than once.  Including where I was "Ben". 

Just realize that this triggered probably some burnout with dating right now (I started dating my future husband when I was 39 and he was 38-  first marriage for both).

Dating requires a thick skin - I never allowed myself to wallow in unrealistic expectations about whether a stranger "liked" me or whether after a first meet there would be a real first date, second date, etc.  I met a number of male Emmas where it looked so promising and then --it wasn't.  I get it.  Several of my friends met their spouses and long term partners (meaning in one case -together 17 years) through online dating sites.  I didn't - but my husband was on dating sites for awhile as was I -we met in person but it shows that there are good serious minded people on the sites.  Just requires a thick skin and hopefully short-lived ego bruising "pity parties."  Good luck to you!

[Ian4996]

Thanks all, those 3 are all good insights and I appreciate all your thoughts. 

49 minutes ago, kctiger said:

I think it has more to do with the fact she is now connecting with someone you're really close to, so you can't just put it out of your mind as easily as if she'd moved on and you never had to see or hear about her again

Thanks yeah I totally agree with this - I had been fine until I heard she'd connected with Ben.

 

One other thing that I should mention is that I did subsequently find out the reason for the unmatching - she told Ben at the weekend that it was because she'd found out I'd slept with her friend Caroline.

This actually isn't true (I went on one date with Caroline about 5 years ago but we didn't especially hit it off and I certainly didn't sleep with her). So obviously either Caroline has exaggerated the truth to Emma or Emma has exaggerated the truth to Ben.  

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Ian4996 said:

One other thing that I should mention is that I did subsequently find out the reason for the unmatching - she told Ben at the weekend that it was because she'd found out I'd slept with her friend Caroline.

That's a really odd thing to say to someone you just started dating and odd for Ben to share it with you- he could have said diplomatically "she didn't think you two were a good match" -and kept the dirty laundry to himself.  

[Ian4996]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

That's a really odd thing to say to someone you just started dating and odd for Ben to share it with you- he could have said diplomatically "she didn't think you two were a good match" -and kept the dirty laundry to himself.  

To be honest, I preferred to know and I think Ben knew that (when he'd previously asked me about her, I told him that I'd been totally baffled by the unmatching)

I actually felt a smidgeon better for knowing that it was because of something outside of my control and there was nothing I could've said or done differently (and again, I think Ben knows me well enough that I'd prefer to know). 

And personally, I hate the vagueness of phrases like 'she didn't think you were a good match' - I'm someone who likes to know exactly why, rather than to be given polite vague sentiments.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Ian4996 said:

 there was nothing I could've said or done differently (and again.

Exactly. Now you know it was because of some gossip between her and her friends. Just put it behind you and keep messaging and meeting new women. Consider that you may have dodged a bullet, if she she's into gossip, hearsay and comparing dating stories with her friends.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Ian4996 said:

To be honest, I preferred to know and I think Ben knew that (when he'd previously asked me about her, I told him that I'd been totally baffled by the unmatching)

I actually felt a smidgeon better for knowing that it was because of something outside of my control and there was nothing I could've said or done differently (and again, I think Ben knows me well enough that I'd prefer to know). 

And personally, I hate the vagueness of phrases like 'she didn't think you were a good match' - I'm someone who likes to know exactly why, rather than to be given polite vague sentiments.

When I didn't click with someone I couldn't always explain why.  And I knew it meant we were not a good match.  I didn't care if I knew or not because my ego didn't get involved to any significant extent.  All you know is what she told Ben.  You don't know if that's the reason or the whole reason so I'd assume she wasn't that into you for whatever reason and move on.

[smackie9]

If Emma saw that as a red flag over something that happened/didn't happen 5 years ago, then you dodged a bullet my friend. Ben should be taking note on that one. If she made that up or exaggerated the excuse, then she's even more cuckoo for coco puffs. 

[Kwothe28]

1) I can almost guarantee your friend has something to do with unmatching. She did it right after you showed them photo so its kind of a big coincidence

2) I discovered that in most cases like that, you dont miss a thing. And that its better that it didnt worked out. Would rethink the friendship though. Again, wouldnt believe your friend at all.

As to why, eh, its kinda normal thing. Dont think you can expect any person to just "be cool" with what happened. You really liked somebody and then few weeks after that somebody is dating your friend. I can understand her side, but you dont do that to a friend. And you should be bothered with it. Again, rethink your friendship with that guy.

[bluecastle]

16 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Again, rethink your friendship with that guy.

This feels a bit harsh, at least to my eyes, though I admit to being hardwired to think the best of people. 

All in all, this strikes me as a lousy reality of dating—something that seems ripe with potential quickly turning out to be nothing—that's compounded by the other reality that we live in a world that can go from feeling very big to very small in a sour instant. It sucks and it stings—and, hey, that's okay. One of these awkward chapters of life that you have to feel your way through, with the aid of some online venting and edgy evenings.

For whatever it's worth? I'm with smackie in that her explanation has the distinct silhouette of a bullet whizzing past, be it the full truth or an exaggeration. A few lives ago, for instance, I went on a few dates with a woman who learned—incorrectly—that I had slept with a friend of hers. Even when she thought it was true, it wasn't a deterrent, because we're adults, life is life, whatever. And when it turned out to be false—well, we had a chuckle, went on a few more dates, and realized we weren't the match for the ages.

Emma's being hung up on a dalliance a half decade in the past—to say nothing of sharing it with someone she's just started seeing—is not, as the kids say, a cute look. So, who knows, maybe there's a teeny little salve there as you toss and turn. 

[tattoobunnie]

5 hours ago, Ian4996 said:

seem to have everything in common

I guarantee she has friends like her too.  Ask her to introduce friends to you!

My hubs and I have an old buddy who said he liked me first all the while me and my hubs were asking about eachother.  We are all now happily married with kids.  I really believe in your case; things will work out.  Emma and you just were not meant to be.

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

This feels a bit harsh, at least to my eyes, though I admit to being hardwired to think the best of people. 

 

Perhaps different experiences. But if you have seen the kind of people I saw, you wouldnt be so surprised about what people can do to other people, even if they are friends. I know a man who took a girlfriend of his best friend. But hey, he really liked the woman and she liked him so in his mind that made it OK. In a no surprised twist ever, that woman cheated on him also and left him for another man. So he, unironically, sees himself as a victim in that process. Even though he was the one that started the whole cycle of bad things.

Anyway, again, to the woman, OP and his friend are just two men she talked to on a dating app. But imagine OP. That really liked that woman to the point of him showing her pic to his friends. Only to find out she unmatched and blocked him few days later. And now imagine his friend. That knows that his bro really likes a woman. So he, naturally hooks up with a woman few weeks later. Because you know, that is what friends do to friends. Again, not really a clear business there. And he should really rethink that friendship. 

[tattoobunnie]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

you wouldnt be so surprised about what people can do to other people, even if they are friends.

Yes.  My buddy's biz partner broke up his family by having an affair with wife.  Or somethings small, like my hubs, every time I bring up our buddy, my hubs loves to share something gross he did as a kid.

But ultimately, there is no way your buddy would have known that you slept or went on a date with one of her friends since you both never met her before, so there is no way you would know her friend was connected to her.  She probably showed a photo to her buddy like you did with yours, and her buddy was like, "oh, I've hooked up with him before," or "(insert whatever she might have said)."

[bluecastle]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And now imagine his friend. That knows that his bro really likes a woman. So he, naturally hooks up with a woman few weeks later.

But you're leaving out the part where his friend talked to him first, asked how he felt about it all. In OP's shoes I would have responded the same way—never even met her, go for it—since anything else would be weird and possessive. 

Just saying that I think the gap between backstabbing and girlfriend stealing and what's happening here is too wide to be narrowed. People get stoked on app matches. Over beers they show their friends. This is modern life, as is the fact that most of those app matches go nowhere.

If one occasionally catches fire with a friend that you hoped would be a source of personal warmth—not a fun reality, but not one, in my opinion, that should be a cause for friendship culling. 

 

[Kwothe28]

9 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

But you're leaving out the part where his friend talked to him first, asked how he felt about it all. In OP's shoes I would have responded the same way—never even met her, go for it—since anything else would be weird and possessive. 

 

But that is the thing. What was he suppose to say in that situation? I forbid you? He cant forbid two people who want to date to do just that. It just doesnt work that way. So he did a natural thing anybody would do.

Its his friend who should have common sense to know that some stuff you just dont do. But hey, dating today in general, especially online dating has become too riddled of emotions. When something is just on click away its easy to just dont think about how your actions affect somebody else. Its all instant and from today to tomorrow. So its maybe no wonder his friend thinks "You know that girl you liked a week ago bro, I would totally date her now". 

And again, I wouldnt be surprised that after the picture, his friend told the woman some stuff. And that is why she blocked him. But hey, maybe I just dont see sunshine and roses like you all do apparently lol

[Wiseman2]

Don't ruin a friendship over some gossipy woman you never even met. Just move forward and be glad you didn't get stuck with her.

[Ian4996]

Thanks all for the thoughts. They've helped me rationalise my feelings and knowing that others would've been very stung in my shoes has helped make me realise that I'm not overreacting. Slept much better last night with no tossing and turning.

I think as someone else said, it's her re-emergence with my best friend that has really stung (whereas although I'd been bitterly disappointed at the time of the unmatching, I'd more or less forgotten about her). 

To address a couple of other things, I'm as sure as sure can be that the unmatching was not down to my friend. The unmatch wasn't immediately after I'd showed her photo, it was a couple of days later, and I know him well enough and for long enough to be as confident as I can be that that sort of sneaky behind the back stuff isn't his style at all.

 

The only tricky thing to negotiate is that I will meet her, possibly this weekend - a big group of us have got tickets for a comedy night, Ben asked me if anyone drops out leaving a spare ticket, how would I feel if he let Emma have it and I'll probably say ok - I feel saying "no I don't want her to come" would just look petty and jealous and cause rifts (and as someone said, it's not worth ruin a friendship over a gossipy woman).

And even if I didn't meet her this weekend, I will do sooner or later because we're both runners and both take part in the same races - as I mentioned, she was actually in the same race as I was in my dating profile picture, probably only 20 yards out of camera shot!   

 

 

[Betterwithout]

Hitting and missing in the dating world is all part of the process.   Much of it cannot be easily explained or understood.  When things go in different directions, it's just the way things go sometimes.

Sounds like you have a great friend, so don't let this girl become a thorn in your side.  Keep your good friend and maybe Emma has a friend that you will get on with in the near future!