First meet tonight, should I go?

[Cherylyn]

Yes, he's insecure and indecisive.  I would politely decline by texting:  "No thank you."

[lostandhurt]

So you had a good time while talking in person correct?

Texting is a horrible way to get to know someone.  Just look at all the assumptions about him on this thread before you met for dinner.

 Let him know you would rather get to know him more in person and less through texting and see what happens.  This lets you see his face as you talk, see his body language and best of all it cuts the misunderstandings down drastically.  If he steps up and wants to meet again for another date great but if he doesn't then move on to a guy that is more of an in person type.

He may be gun shy, he may be insecure but that doesn't mean he is a bad guy or not a good romantic partner.

 Lost

PS Good on you for being understanding and meeting him.

[Batya33]

I had a number of men meet me who thought they were ready and weren't and/or they were not that into me -or sufficiently to get over the "not really ready" part.  Some people believe they are ready and realize they are not.  

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

So you had a good time while talking in person correct?

Yes, exactly. I dont like the texting very much it’s full of presumptions and missunderstanding. For instance tonight he tried to flirt on text a bit and I didn’t reply. He double texted… (tomorrow I will pretend I fell asleep) I will not see him this weekend as I will be with my kid (he knows it) and I don’t want him to try to move on the texting into flirting as i am not there yet. Tomorrow I will try to make things clear, gently… 

[lostandhurt]

Perfect!

Don't be shy about what you are comfortable with and how you would like to get to know someone. If they cannot respect and accept your wishes then there is little reason to continue talking to them.

 I would guess he is afraid of being friendzoned or you losing interest so he is trying to hard.  Make it easy on him so he can relax. "I am really looking forward to getting to know you better but I would rather it be in person on our next date than through texting"  This simple sentence conveys two things clearly. 1. You like him and want to see him again on a date and 2. You don't want texting to be a way of getting to know him.

 Lost

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

 

 I would guess he is afraid of being friendzoned or you losing interest so he is trying to hard.  

 

 

Yeah I think this is what’s happening here. He tried to flirt yesterday and me not responding, or in a distant way, I think he realized that it wasn’t the kind of discussions I wanted. Today it was more about knowing me better and making assumption or wondering whether im willing to see him again. I tried to space my texts a bit more and he went up to 4 hours without double texting. Which is a progress…😅

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah I think this is what’s happening here. He tried to flirt yesterday and me not responding, or in a distant way, I think he realized that it wasn’t the kind of discussions I wanted. Today it was more about knowing me better and making assumption or wondering whether im willing to see him again. I tried to space my texts a bit more and he went up to 4 hours without double texting. Which is a progress…😅

This sounds consistent with what you wrote to me above about enjoying this sort of "drama" - I thought he suggested getting together while at the first meet and you said you would like that? It sounds like you're finding this back and forth and strategizing and timing of texts interesting or intriguing and no harm done -both of you have the time to do this and enjoy this sort of thing.  Do you mean progress in your texting? Do you want him to get to know you better in person and if so, how badly?

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

This sounds consistent with what you wrote to me above about enjoying this sort of "drama" 

I think I lost you when I mentionned this « drama » thing 😅

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Do you mean progress in your texting? Do you want him to get to know you better in person and if so, how badly?

What I mean by progress is in the pace, and the content of his texts. He is waiting for my replies and doesn’t doubles texts each time. And also he is asking more profound things about me, not flirting that much as he maybe  understood I wasn’t responsive to that kind of texts. I although told him that I’m willing to learn to know each other in person, and he agreed. But still, looks like he has many questions to ask. We exchanged about 20 texts since the morning, which is completely fine for me. I would not want more… 

[Jaunty]

So you're developing a "chat buddy"?

[Sindy_0311]

4 hours ago, Jaunty said:

So you're developing a "chat buddy"?

I’m not trying to do this, but in my experience, guys I have been dating tended to text every day or every two days. Idk what part of the world you live, but here in Switzerland this is how we usually keep in touch. Also I forgot to mention about the options I can get through dating apps, i live in a very small town, and there are not hundreds of single good guys to meet through dating apps. Maybe also the reason why when we find someone we are attracted to we try harder to make it work. IMO 

[poorlittlefish]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This sounds consistent with what you wrote to me above about enjoying this sort of "drama" - I thought he suggested getting together while at the first meet and you said you would like that? 

Also, you already told him you were unavailable because of your kid, so in his mind it's probably not the right time to try and arrange a second date. He's obviously keen, going by how he texts again if he's not heard from you. Don't play games with him. If it's your style to take hours or even days to reply to someone, then tell him. It wouldn't be many people's cup of tea, so at least he'd know what to expect. Why not tell him something like, "Hey, it's great to hear from you, but I'm terrible at texting and forget to reply. I don't want you to think I'm not interested and I know I'm unavailable this weekend, but are you free on (insert day)?"

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

Why not tell him something like, "Hey, it's great to hear from you, but I'm terrible at texting and forget to reply. I don't want you to think I'm not interested and I know I'm unavailable this weekend, but are you free on (insert day)?"

You suggest I arrange a date? It's not my opinion.

I'm being kind, replying to his texts, sometimes right away sometime within minutes, two hours or so, depends of what i'm doing. I already told him I was a bad texter when we first met. He knows it. I also mentioned that I wanted to take things slow. Yesterday he asked again about our meet, trying to figure out whether I was attracted to him and I indirectly made him understand I was to make him relax a little. I think he is really shy. He said for instance he had been willing to lay his hand on my back or have me closer to him while having our last drink but that he was too shy to do so. When we parted that night, we hugged and I went my way. He watched me leave, called after me to come back to him. And only then, he kissed me. 

I will not play games, I will just go at my own pace and with caution according to fact he said he is not ready to share with anyone... Also he knows next week I won't be with my kid, if he wants to see me again he will have to ask me out, I won't do more for now. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

  he knows next week I won't be with my kid, if he wants to see me again he will have to ask me out.

While it's common to stay in touch between dates, you can minimize the texting and reinforce when you're free to see each other in person.

[Batya33]

"Maybe also the reason why when we find someone we are attracted to we try harder to make it work. IMO"

That chemistry and compatibility is rare.  The way I "tried harder to make it work" was if there was mutual interest and effort -trying hard to convince someone to step up to the plate to me wasn't trying harder but settling for scraps.  Not saying you are doing this but just because I had hundreds and hundreds of single men to choose from didn't mean it was easier or that I didn't try as hard if I met someone I clicked with because volume is irrelevant if the goal is the right match for the person as opposed to casual dating and/or settling (nothing wrong with casual dating but certainly there's no reason to put in the effort to develop and maintain a mutual connection if that work gets too hard -there's no long term view.

And volume is great for people who have the candy store/grass is greener mentality for sure -nothing wrong with that either -just a different approach to dating

I never ever found that effort put into typing to a new person in my life I wanted to date (especially if he wasn't making time and place plans in advance for dates or enthusiastically responding to my invitation -which I so rarely did or had to do -the men I dated and met were typically traditional and did most of the asking out if not all in the beginning -I showed interest and flirted and stepped up in other ways) was progress as far as a potentially serious romantic relationship.   JMHO

I think really shy men who are available to date get over their fear in favor of the benefit of going on a date especially since you're showing him tons of interest in dating him. 

My husband was so so shy (less so now) in his 20s and he was worried about asking me to lunch (we worked for the same large company) but when I touched his arm lightly and briefly the third time we met at a work event over an 8 month period he called his friends to help him get motivated to get over his shyness to ask me out to lunch and he did.  Because it was that important to him.  

[Sindy_0311]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My husband was so so shy (less so now) in his 20s and he was worried about asking me to lunch (we worked for the same large company) but when I touched his arm lightly and briefly the third time we met at a work event over an 8 month period he called his friends to help him get motivated to get over his shyness to ask me out to lunch and he did.  Because it was that important to him.  

8 month! Thats a long time. Me and my coworker have been flirting etc for about 5 month now, and I don't think someday he will find the courage to move it further. Thats something im still having in a corner of my mind but unfortunately can't expect anything from. 

This arm touching should be considered as a green light for men to ask a woman out or to make a move. As I said, I don't ask guys out, only when they ask when I will be free again I propose a day to meet. What I do, I try to give them enough (not too much) signs of interest. Like this one guy, the other night I slightly touched his leg when we were laughing (we were sitting next to each other on a little sofa at that bar) That was the moment, he said afterwards, he wanted me closer or lay his hand on my back. Even with this obvious sign of interest, my hand on his leg, he didn't make the move but waited until very last minute to do so with the kiss. Also I think I can recognize signs of attraction in first minutes. It's in the way they look at you and face you while speaking, its also in the way they turn their body towards you (for instance on that sofa, he was completely leaning in) you can sense those things, even with shy guys. I met a guy once who wouldn't look at me while speaking, and that for me was a complete turn off even if he invited me to another date the day after that and said he liked me, I could feel something was wrong.(and I was right btw) 

But attraction (or the impression of it) can also be the relief you feel after spending some minutes with the person. You get nervous about meeting that person, and once you feel more comfortable, you can easily mistake it for attraction.

Someone also said once that guys make their opinion about women in the very first seconds. they know whether they will be girlfriend material for them or just hock-up so to speak. What do you think? (I suggest you guys answer to that question, that would be helpful for me... )

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 I think I can recognize signs of attraction in first minutes. 

In this case he's obviously interested so all you can do is let him know when you're free to date and keep up with some communication but not too much.

[Jaunty]

The thing about texting is that it often creates a false sense of intimacy that doesn't play out in real life; things get unbalanced.

It's normal to keep in touch via texting in many parts of the world, in more urban areas anyway.  The issue here is when people are trying to date and get to know each other and understand what's going on, texting is a terrible method of accomplishing it.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

In this case he's obviously interested so all you can do is let him know when you're free to date and keep up with some communication but not too much.

And, Attraction doesn't mean the person wants to date you or sees potential for a relationship.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Someone also said once that guys make their opinion about women in the very first seconds. they know whether they will be girlfriend material for them or just hock-up so to speak. What do you think? (I suggest you guys answer to that question, that would be helpful for me... )

I think men who are looking for casual partners and serious "if it works out that way" may have that mindset just like a woman might. I never put much stock in such generalizations.  I preferred to get to know people as individuals. 

I think men who are serious minded and focused on getting to know a woman might have that thought but won't decide about "girlfriend material" until they get to know the woman.  For example my future husband asked me certain questions on our first lunch date to assess that even though he'd been attracted to me for months and had wanted to ask me out.  

[Sindy_0311]

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:For example my future husband asked me certain questions on our first lunch date to assess that even though he'd been attracted to me for months and had wanted to ask me out.  

That for me was a way to assert the way he was feeling about you or find out whether there was a true compatibility because he was already considering you as “girlfriend potential” In the opposite, I don’t think a man who sees a woman in a casual way or not being enough attracted to in the first place would change his mind about any potential in time. It’s rather there or not. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

That for me was a way to assert the way he was feeling about you or find out whether there was a true compatibility because he was already considering you as “girlfriend potential” In the opposite, I don’t think a man who sees a woman in a casual way or not being enough attracted to in the first place would change his mind about any potential in time. It’s rather there or not. 

I completely disagree, which is fine -totally fine to disagree!  I don't think there would be a change if the woman continued to pursue or text or whatever but if the woman walked away from a man who was just not that into her then, absolutely at a different time, place, context things can change whether it's friendship caught on fire or the man as he gets older finds qualities attractive he didn't in the past (maybe because of a lifestyle change).  I don't think it's gender specific either. 

I don't think in your case your decision to keep texting as you are will motivate this guy to ask you out -I think it will have the opposite effect just what I saw in my own decades of dating and among all of my friends with very rare exception (and in that case she got her man -for 3 years until he cheated on her with her best friend who he later married).

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

I don't think in your case your decision to keep texting as you are will motivate this guy to ask you out -I think it will have the opposite effect just what I saw in my own decades of dating and among all of my friends with very rare exception (and in that case she got her man -for 3 years until he cheated on her with her best friend who he later married).

So you would rather tell him to stop texting until we meet? Because he feels to comfortable doing so? (Which i assume he does) If I tell him to stop texts, in a gentle way of course, that would be playing games… dont you think? 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So you would rather tell him to stop texting until we meet? Because he feels to comfortable doing so? (Which i assume he does) If I tell him to stop texts, in a gentle way of course, that would be playing games… dont you think? 

No it would be showing that you don't waste your time with chat buddies and you have enough friends and chat buddies right? Be a person who shows self-respect.  Even if you have to fake it till you make it.  I wrote above how to put it.  "I'm really enjoying our texting! Right now I'm too busy to text and I really look forward to getting to know you in person.  You'd mentioned wanting to get together again.  When you have an idea of when you're free please do let me know and we'll figure out a mutually convenient time to meet.  Looking forward!"

And yes you are too busy to be his chat buddy- it's a fact - you're in contact with him because you are interested in going on an official first date that he asks for.  So you are too busy to invest time if it's just going to be a chat buddy or "friend".  And if he asks you out for a date he plans in advance then text to confirm.  If he wants the privilege of talking with you he has to put in the effort and follow through on wanting to see you. 

For all you know he's texting you while en route to meet a woman who is not as overly available with to text back and forth while he's shaving or in the restroom so he knew he'd have to make a plan to meet up.  

And I think its totally fine you want him to ask you out -I'd feel the same -but that's a game too because you're an adult woman who wants to see this person but you're going to play the waiting game.  Not all "games" are created equal but I don't think you should play a game- be a genuine person who has a fun fulfilling life and no time for chat buddies.

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No it would be showing that you don't waste your time with chat buddies and you have enough friends and chat buddies right? Be a person who shows self-respect.  Even if you have to fake it till you make it.  I wrote above how to put it.  "I'm really enjoying our texting! Right now I'm too busy to text and I really look forward to getting to know you in person.  You'd mentioned wanting to get together again.  When you have an idea of when you're free please do let me know and we'll figure out a mutually convenient time to meet.  Looking forward!"

And yes you are too busy to be his chat buddy- it's a fact - you're in contact with him because you are interested in going on an official first date that he asks for.  So you are too busy to invest time if it's just going to be a chat buddy or "friend".  And if he asks you out for a date he plans in advance then text to confirm.  If he wants the privilege of talking with you he has to put in the effort and follow through on wanting to see you. 

For all you know he's texting you while en route to meet a woman who is not as overly available with to text back and forth while he's shaving or in the restroom so he knew he'd have to make a plan to meet up.  

And I think its totally fine you want him to ask you out -I'd feel the same -but that's a game too because you're an adult woman who wants to see this person but you're going to play the waiting game.  Not all "games" are created equal but I don't think you should play a game- be a genuine person who has a fun fulfilling life and no time for chat buddies.

I see… I don’t need a chat buddy in fact. But I think it would be to radical to say this now. Would be interpreted as me trying to get something from him now. I mean, who is not having 5 minutes a day just to respond to a text even in the restroom 😅 

What I will do from now is just spacing more and if he gets irritated then I’ll explain I’m busy. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I see… I don’t need a chat buddy in fact. But I think it would be to radical to say this now. Would be interpreted as me trying to get something from him now. I mean, who is not having 5 minutes a day just to respond to a text even in the restroom 😅 

What I will do from now is just spacing more and if he gets irritated then I’ll explain I’m busy. 

Sure -you do you!  I taught people how to treat me and I had to sort of retrain certain men by showing them through my actions what I expected as they'd obviously dated women who accepted last minute dates for a weekend night and or were happy to hang out and hook up at their home as a "date" or happy to chat away with no plans for a real date.  But you absolutely can do you and have your own standards because we are all individuals.  I see so much individual variations in marriages for example and shake my head at certain boundaries people have, etc so it's all good.  You also seem to be enjoying this strategic approach to texting.  

I never tried to get anything from a man who wanted to date me.  I simply conducted myself like a person who deserved respect and to be treated like a lady and for the most part -the maority of the time! -I was.  And it also meant that certain men stopped contacting me/asking me out which was fine too. 

I only needed one, the right one.  As it was my future husband asked me to get together two weeks in advance -on our third platonic meeting after being apart for several years we decided to get together.  He told me he was going back out of town as I knew and could we see each other in two weeks -the day after he came back into town.  He wanted to make sure I knew he wanted to see me and wanted a Saturday night plan.  Of course I said yes with enthusiasm. 

And he called me in between during those two weeks regularly and made plans for that night as well.  He didn't think I expected anything from him -he simply was a person who wanted to date me and wanted me to know that through his actions.

All this person is showing you is that he enjoys texting with you and you're showing him you're ok with him mentioning a wish to get together and not following through for what -over a week now? So he knows you're available to chat away because apparently you're not busy meeting your friends, meeting potential dates, etc.  That's again my interpretation.  You're comfortable with your approach and you see it differently as far as the impression you are making. I respect that!