My bf is mad at me bc I did not spend my time with him

[Nazzaha]

Hello, it is my first post here. I feel the need to just let it out somewhere... Please share your opinions and advice :)

Me (female 26) and my bf (male 30) have been together for about 3 years now. It is a long distance relationship- we live in different cities, about an hour apart. We meet every weekend, one weekend he visits me or from time to time I meet him (bc he lives with his family and I live alone). We both started sort of weekend courses, but in different schools. Due to that, he visits me every other weekend at my place and we have two whole days for ourselves, and every other weekend we meet in the city we both take our courses.

On Saturday, in the afternoon, we went to Ikea to buy him a bookstand. I was supposed to deliver it to his place (less than an hour away). I wanted to pay for fuel (not that cheap where I live), spend my time delivering sth he wants in his house...

The thing is, the next day-on Sunday- I had an exam and I had been studying for a week. It was supposed to be hard (it wasn't that bad in the end, but at the moment I didn't know that, but I knew I can repeat the exam again with no consequences). He knew about the exam.

In the end, we didn't buy that bookstand bc it was incomplete (the staff couldn't find the shelves lol). He proposed going to my house, staying for the night. I refused, knowing I will not study if he will be there. I said I'll just take him to his house then and then leave. He refused saying it would be a waste of time and fuel, he's fine going to the train station. So I took him there.

Now he is really angry at me that I did not spend my time with him, that I value my exam more than I value him... That I think mostly about myself...

He says that I should not care about studying so much and put him first. That I don't care about him...

AITA? 

What should I do?

It's not like he even wants to actually talk to me...

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Nazzaha said:

 he lives with his family and I live alone. 

Unfortunately this is the problem. If he wants to get away from his parents for a while you're not obligated to host him when you have to attend to important academic or professional responsibilities.

Why won't he get his own place? Why would he expect you to be a furniture delivery service? Make sure you're on the same page as far as maturity and place in life. Reflect on what you want from life and what he has to offer.

[Cherylyn]

56 minutes ago, Nazzaha said:

Now he is really angry at me that I did not spend my time with him, that I value my exam more than I value him... That I think mostly about myself...

He says that I should not care about studying so much and put him first. That I don't care about him...

AITA? 

What should I do?

It's not like he even wants to actually talk to me...

This is the problem.  He's selfish.  He lacks empathy (emotional intelligence).  He's not placing himself in your shoes.  He's only thinking about himself, what he wants and what benefits him,  NOT you.

You should prioritize your studies because your education is your future. 

If he refuses to cooperate with you regarding the importance of your studies, then he doesn't sound like the type of man who has your best interests at heart.  He doesn't sound like a high quality man of integrity. 

[Nazzaha]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is the problem. If he wants to get away from his parents for a while you're not obligated to host him when you have to attend to important academic or professional responsibilities.

Why won't he get his own place? Why would he expect you to be a furniture delivery service? Make sure you're on the same page as far as maturity and place in life. Reflect on what you want from life and what he has to offer.

Getting one's own place is not that easy, unfortunately... Pretty expensive, unless you'll buy sth that is far away from everything and everyone XD And now interest rates skyrocketed, so no buying houses for now I guess XD He has a secure job and professional qualifications to do two others. I guess you are right that we need to discuss our places in life and what we want...

I'll gladly meet him anytime, but when I have other, really pressing matters to attend, that are connected to my future and they do not repeat every single weekend, like learing bc I have an exam the next day, I suppose I can make our meeting shorter than usual.

I love doing little services to people I care about, even if it is making coffee :) so you know, I grabbed the opportunity :) Especially that he does not have his car right now (broke down, have to buy a new one) so it was either my help, one of his friends or picking another store...

 

[Kwothe28]

I think that in this situation, he is the unreasonable one. If you had the exam next day, its normal that you wouldnt entertain him for the night as you need to study. Even spending so much time with him the day before, is more then enough. As you could have spend that time at home relaxing before exam or studying some more. But you spended it chasing IKEA shelves lol. 

[smackie9]

You my dear did nothing wrong, this is his problem. It's just a tiff....he will get over it.

[HeartGoesOn]

Can you please translate the meaning of "sth" and "AITA" to English please?

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Nazzaha said:

. I guess you are right that we need to discuss our places in life and what we want...

Yes it may be time for you to review if you're on the same page if you have a home and car and he doesn't. It's nice to be good to people but take care of yourself and your responsibilities too.

If he pouts that you're ambitious and conscientious,(and can't babysit or chauffeur him) that's something to observe as well as far as maturity and compatibility.

[Kwothe28]

10 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Can you please translate the meaning of "sth" and "AITA" to English please?

 

Internet slang

STH- something

AITA- Am I The Abuthole

OP should maybe clarify but I think that is that

[Starlight925]

And what does XD mean?

It would be easier to help you if you write in complete sentences, thanks.

[onemoretime]

1 minute ago, Starlight925 said:

And what does XD mean?

It would be easier to help you if you write in complete sentences, thanks.

it's an emoji kind of like wincing and laughing 😆

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, onemoretime said:

it's an emoji kind of like wincing and laughing 😆

There are actual emojis you can use on this forum.

Also, text speak is disallowed. We don't use reddit acronyms either. 

Rules, rules lol! But they're around to help make things simpler.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Nazzaha said:

the end, we didn't buy that bookstand bc it was incomplete (the staff couldn't find the shelves lol). He proposed going to my house, staying for the night. I refused, knowing I will not study if he will be there. I said I'll just take him to his house then and then leave. He refused saying it would be a waste of time and fuel, he's fine going to the train station. So I took him there.

I had this a similar situation 30 years ago but even worse- no joke -I had a huge major exam the following week in grad school and my grades would determine what kind of job I would get in the future -that major.  There was a storm.  My bf lived 45 minutes by train outside the city and couldn't get home because of the storm.  He was in the city I think not because of me.

His friend in the city had a place for him to stay with her (yes, totally just friends, no issue at all).  He wanted to stay with me (I lived with my parents and they were fine with him staying over in my room -very cool parents lol).  I said no because I knew it would be distracting and my mom would want to make him a meal, etc. I needed every second to focus.  I felt under so much pressure to study and do well!!

And I knew he was totally safe to stay at his friend -in fact her house was even more convenient.  He was really hurt despite being in the same area of study as me.  He did get over it but I never regretted it - those were my priorities. Yes if he had nowhere to stay I would have had him stay because of the storm. I was surprised he didn't relate.  

[Cherylyn]

You need to rethink whom you're with and how unreasonably selfish he is for forgetting that you need to prioritize your education for your future.  Or, his future if both of you intend to have a long term relationship or marriage.

When my husband was in his graduate program for many years, I fully supported him financially and while tending to our two very young sons.  We stayed out of his way.  I'd send my husband off with homemade meals so he could go study and make the grade.  We had many days, evenings and weekends where I took care of everything so my husband could concentrate on his end goal.  I took care of the majority of household needs and worked while responsible for the care of two little boys.  I never demanded my husband to spend more time with us.  I never told him that he valued his exams more than his wife and children.  Never.  We both knew it was a sacrifice for him to succeed for our brighter future in the horizon.  Fast forward to graduation commencement.  The graduation ceremony and post-graduation festivities and celebrations with family, relatives and in-laws was never sweeter.  It was team effort for my husband to cross the finish line at the top of his class.  I couldn't have been prouder.  Fast forward to today.  We've done well for ourselves, prospered and living a very comfortable life.  No pain no gain.

Stand back and look at the big picture as should your boyfriend -- if it matters to him, that is. 🙄

[HeartGoesOn]

7 hours ago, Nazzaha said:

On Saturday, in the afternoon, we went to Ikea to buy him a bookstand. I was supposed to deliver it to his place (less than an hour away). I wanted to pay for fuel (not that cheap where I live), spend my time delivering sth he wants in his house...

OP...Posting in netspeak is not allowed.  Please review the forum rules/guidelines.

[JoyfulCompany]

21 hours ago, Nazzaha said:

I value my exam more than I value him

Those attempts to compare and compete are not very mature and to me they always sound manipulative.

Yes, someone may love/respect/cherish/need you but they are allowed to advance in and explore other areas of their life. And mature loving partners can support and even encourage that. Your guy needs to grow up.

Something's not entirely okay. Might be that:
 - there's incompatibility in your values - commitment, gender roles, etc.
 - he's been feeling insecure for some reason but is unable to reflect on it and express it in a calm and direct way - maybe the distance is weighing on him;
 - he's a selfish boyo;

In any case it's something to take a note of and observe if it manifests in other situations as well. By the way, do you have any plans to cut the distance in the near future?

What you did (trying to help him the day before an exam) is very sweet and caring and it's sad that instead of appreciating it, he:
 - demanded more;
 - didn't express his true feelings when you took him to the station;
 - is now acting resentful and is shutting you down;

What to do? I wouldn't apologize, there's nothing to apologize for. I would give him some time to cool down and then ask him to meet up, sit down and have a calm and serious conversation about what pages we're on and if we have a future together.

[SooSad33]

On 1/30/2023 at 1:42 PM, Nazzaha said:

Now he is really angry at me that I did not spend my time with him, that I value my exam more than I value him... That I think mostly about myself...

He says that I should not care about studying so much and put him first. That I don't care about him...

 

It's not like he even wants to actually talk to me...

How do you mean, he doesn't even like to talk to you?

It sounds like there's possibly some more underlying issue's.. maybe?

What HE needs to understand is yes, of course YOUR exams are important!  It's YOUR future.  If he can't accept this, then that's on him!  You keep on as you are 😉 .