Growing up with unemotional parents

[heartsouls]

I wonder if there are others who can relate to what I'm going through.  I grew up in a somewhat unconventional family structure.  My parents provided for me and my brother - - that is, they made sure we were enrolled in a good school, that we had our school supplies, that we had food, and clothes.  Growing up was a routine focused on going to school, doing homework, and doing the same thing through the years.  However, as I got older, I began to realize something was off.  There was no emotional component to our interactions.  We grew up poor so we had no clue that more affluent families had the luxury to go on vacations together during their off time.  In fact, because we had no clue of this, we really didn't feel like we were missing this until we became aware that our peers had these in between school years.  When my brother and I started to become more aware of how other families functioned, we began to notice clearly that my parents were on survival mode...only focusing on school and what they can afford to give us.  Anyway, we got by.  I'm now in my late 40's and I'm now in a situation where I'm taking care of my elderly mother who is 82.  In terms of her care, I have a good plan for this and I am taking action to make sure that we stay on top of medical appointments and just making her life as comfortable as possible.  Now, my biggest struggle is that I think sub-consciously, I have this frustration that we often do not communicate very well.  English is her second language and so sometimes she can't find the best words to describe her ailments or her pain level.  When we do have to figure something out, we are able to figure it out after maybe 30 minutes of trying to understand what she wants to express (if I were talking to someone my age, it would take maybe 5 minutes).  Now, I know that I have to be considerate of her age and that her cognition is slowing down...but at the same time, I feel that perhaps because of the way I grew up with my parents showing no emotional support at all, that this is adding to my frustration when I communicate with her.  I'm working on this now because I want to make peace with this part of this situation but I wanted to know if anyone else can relate?  Thank you. 🙂

[poorlittlefish]

Look up Childhood Emotional Neglect and see if it resonates with you. I attended therapy and it was my counsellor who enlightened me. It was a light bulb moment as it explained so much about my family dynamic and how I am as an adult. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, heartsouls said:

  her cognition is slowing down... 🙂

Sorry this is happening. Dealing with cognitive decline is quite stressful and taxing. The best thing you can do is get involved in caregiver support groups and keep in communication with her doctors and home health care. 

Try not to dredge up things that can't be fixed. It seems like your parents tried their best under the circumstances. Focus on the here and now. She's elderly and mentally fragile so it may be better to try to cope with those aspects than  to redirect frustrations with this to feeling they didn't do enough for you growing up.  

[Batya33]

My mom is 88 very soon and doesn't need all the assistance you described -is it possible your mother is suffering from dementia?  It's good of you to take care of her.  It sounds like your parents struggled a lot and focused their energy on the basics and then some -I mean they made sure you did your homework and attended school and had food and shelter.  What do vacations have to do with emotional interactions?

I didn't grow up poor but there were real financial and budgetary restrictions and we rarely did family vacations and never where it involved a plane flight (I first flew when I was almost 16 and went abroad -by myself on a teen tour). My dad had a mental illness his whole life and my parents did show us plenty of emotion -far more emotion than material things.  Is it possible your parents or one of them had a mental disorder? 

Again it's good of you to help your mother. My sense is she might be in early stages of dementia and should be checked out -might have nothing to do with how she treated you as a child.

[Cherylyn]

@heartsoulsI can relate.  My parents did the best they could considering their very painful backgrounds.  My parents were unemotional.  I never saw them hug but I did witness a lot of fighting.  My mother felt trapped in a marriage made in hell courtesy of my late alcoholic, chain smoking, womanizer, wife beater, heavily in debt father.  He never held a stable occupation and left our family in dire straits all the time.  When he abruptly left us without saying good-bye and without child support, my mother worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads for 3 children.

My parents didn't hug their children much.  I would often beg my mother to hold my hand as we were walking and occasionally, she reluctantly held my hand briefly.  Both of my parents were very detached types. 

I grew up poor.  We could only afford second hand clothing when clothes and shoes definitely did not look like what you can buy from second hand or thrift stores today.  My clothes were weather worn, pilled, frayed, old and frumpy-looking.  My shoes looked as if they were scavenged from the trash bin. 

I felt envious of my friends and neighbors because they looked well tended.  Whenever I visited their houses, they grew up in normal, stable, loving nurturing homes.  Their fathers loved and respected their mothers and vice versa.  I wanted that badly.  Fortunately, I'm married to the love of my life with two great sons in a very settled life in suburbia.  My husband hails from a great family life.  He and his family are positive role models and I'm living a blessed, normal life. 

 Like you, my mother is slowing down and while I'm still very bitter and resentful of my childhood and dicey relationship with her through the years, I try my best to care for her albeit with boundaries and from a cool distance.  At times, it's frustrating to me because the past haunts me.  She'll often retell her same horror stories to me.  I listen.  I do what I can such as periodically deliver home cooked meals or her favorite take out dinners to her house, buy her clothing, shoes, household items and the like.  

I'm not at peace with her internally.  However, I make peace with her.  The past will always chase you.  What you need to do is not allow the past to have a tight hold and grip on your life because the present is what you need to focus on.  Learn to forgive.  Forgive doesn't mean forget nor condone.  Forgive means to continue moving forward.   

Keep your communication simple, brief and have a lot of patience with your mother.  Whenever you take your mother to her medical appointments, communicate with her doctor and he or she can help you and your mother determine whatever ails her.  Do the best you can with what you can work with.  It's all you can do. 

[Jibralta]

On 1/9/2023 at 1:37 AM, heartsouls said:

I wonder if there are others who can relate to what I'm going through.  I grew up in a somewhat unconventional family structure.  My parents provided for me and my brother - - that is, they made sure we were enrolled in a good school, that we had our school supplies, that we had food, and clothes.  Growing up was a routine focused on going to school, doing homework, and doing the same thing through the years.  However, as I got older, I began to realize something was off.  There was no emotional component to our interactions.  We grew up poor so we had no clue that more affluent families had the luxury to go on vacations together during their off time.  In fact, because we had no clue of this, we really didn't feel like we were missing this until we became aware that our peers had these in between school years.  When my brother and I started to become more aware of how other families functioned, we began to notice clearly that my parents were on survival mode...only focusing on school and what they can afford to give us.  Anyway, we got by.  I'm now in my late 40's and I'm now in a situation where I'm taking care of my elderly mother who is 82.  In terms of her care, I have a good plan for this and I am taking action to make sure that we stay on top of medical appointments and just making her life as comfortable as possible.  Now, my biggest struggle is that I think sub-consciously, I have this frustration that we often do not communicate very well.  English is her second language and so sometimes she can't find the best words to describe her ailments or her pain level.  When we do have to figure something out, we are able to figure it out after maybe 30 minutes of trying to understand what she wants to express (if I were talking to someone my age, it would take maybe 5 minutes).  Now, I know that I have to be considerate of her age and that her cognition is slowing down...but at the same time, I feel that perhaps because of the way I grew up with my parents showing no emotional support at all, that this is adding to my frustration when I communicate with her.  I'm working on this now because I want to make peace with this part of this situation but I wanted to know if anyone else can relate?  Thank you. 🙂

I get the impression that, like a lot of many immigrants, your parents went through a lot of trouble and perhaps fought through trauma to make sure that you and your brother had a better life than they did. I'm not sure if that's the case, but if it is, try focusing on the great gift they gave the two of you, and the great example that they set. It's not perfect, but it is still amazing and valuable.

[catfeeder]

Do you speak your Mom's native language?

if not, maybe try using a translator app on your phone to plug in your questions and read them to her in her own language?