Does my boyfriend like me? Is he serious about me?

[Ashley Lana]

I am very confused in this relationship. He is 40 I am 34. We both live in Wisconsin, but we live an hour and a half away.  I'm a fitness model/ influencer with 500,000 social media followers (my user name isn't my real name) and he is a lawyer. We met and started dating in late October of this year. He's a very busy guy, he works at a law firm and is constantly dealing with clients.  He's been busy since I met him. He's a terrible texter but he tries to make more of an effort whenever I ask him to. I was very harsh toward him when we first started dating. Not rude, but very much skeptical of him, as I am skeptical of all men in the beginning of the dating stages. Despite my skeptical and almost rude behavior toward him, he steadily pursued me. He continuously asked me out on dates. I cancelled on him our first three dates, I kid you not. And before each date, he had to call and convince me to go out with him. After the third date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. When we are in person, he is loving and doting, and so sweet. He pays for fancy dinners and our conversations are great. He does all the driving. He drives an hour and half to my place to pick me up, take us to the restaurant, drops me off afterward and then an hour and a half to drive back to his place.  He always sets up dates to see me, and they are always nice dates to expensive places.  We don't talk on the phone much in between dates. Maybe once a week we talk on the phone. but we text everyday and he texts me good morning and good night everyday, and we exchange maybe 10 texts a day. To me this isn't a sufficient amount of communication, but we do see each other once or twice a week. We spent all of Christmas Eve together. He spent Christmas with his siblings and his mother, and I spent it with my family. Two weeks ago, he told me that he wants to be married to me and have me pregnant within a year. I was a little caught off guard, because for the life of me.. I can't tell if this man likes me.. Yes in person he tells me how much he likes me and adores me and he's sweet, he drives an hour and a half to see me, and an hour and a half back to his place. He takes me to nice places and pays and never complains. But why doesn't he call me more often and text me more often on the days that we don't see each other?  Well last week do you know what he told me? He told me that he's going to move, so that he only lives 20 minutes away from me. Again. I was shocked... Because we only text maybe 10 times a day when we aren't together. And we don't talk on the phone more than once or twice a week..The lack of communication when we aren't together, makes me feel insecure and like he doesn't take me seriously. I told him this. He then asked me why I would think this? He said that he drives an hour and a half to see me, and an hour and a half back. He pointed out that he's not getting sex from me, so clearly he's not using me for my body, he's told me on multiple occasions that he is very into me and he likes me. When I complained about one of the restaurants he took me to not being fancy enough, he took me to a fancier one the next week. If I complain, he makes adjustments. But what I can't understand is why we don't talk frequently during the week? Sometimes I'm a little shocked when I notice he actually gets a little jealous? Whenever he comes to my apartments, if he sees a pair of my high heels by the door, he'll ask me where I wore them to. And I notice whenever he comes to my place he's always checking to see what shoes I have by the door, to see what shoes I've worn outside lately. I told a story about a weird interaction I had with my neighbor, and he kept asking "is he single? does he have a family? does he live by himself?" and it shocked me that he seemed a little jealous? because he always plays it so cool, I mean in texts anyway. he doesn't text back right away and he barely calls. And the day after Christmas, he stopped texting me around 4 pm and texted me early the next morning around 6 am. He said he was spending time with his family (mother and siblings and nieces/nephews)... So what do you all think? Do you think he's serious about me or playing me?

[Batya33]

I think you were playing him and treating him and his time disrespectfully and enjoyed all the power and control of having this man "convince" you to go out with him.  So he took up the challenge and loved the thrill of the chase and winning you over.  But now that stage is over -he "has" you -you stopped your antics of being rude and cancelling on him -so now he wonders -hmmmm if she was so reluctant to date me to the point of being rude can I trust her not to turn her head at some other guy who comes along and wants to play that game with her and win her over and ply her with fancy dinners and presents?

Now he's overcompensating and acting in a controlling way more like a daddy figure and wanting to tie you down and have you barefoot and pregnant.  He cannot trusty you because your first impression was that you didn't trust him, didn't respect his time, saw yourself as entitled to be treated like a princess who needs "convincing" to deign to go out, etc.  

You set up this unhealthy dynamic.  Your dynamic wasn't going to attract a well meaning genuine person.  Because you didn't act like a well meaning genuine person.  You chose your fears of rejection or whatever over treating this person with thoughtfulness and respect.  A man looking for a healthful relationship would have stopped asking you out if that was your first impression. 

This person is a professional who tries to get clients -so he used his professional skills and $$$ to convince you to go out with him and he had fun with it.  The fun is over.  The gig is up so now his true colors are to try to tie you down and do his own unhealthy dynamic. No not all people in client service roles act in a controlling way or use sales tactics to "get" relationships -this person just happens to have these skills and you sure enjoyed being chased.

I think he likes the idea of tying you down.  I am not sure if he respects you as a person just like you didn't respect him as a person in the basic sense of "respect" at the beginning.  That's my humble opinion.

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Ashley Lana said:

. Two weeks ago, he told me that he wants to be married to me and have me pregnant within a year

Unfortunately there are red flags you need to observe. The things you are worried about are not important compared to red flags like "wants you pregnant in a year".

Have you ever seen his home? Is he married?

 

[Ashley Lana]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there are red flags you need to observe. The things you are worried about are not important compared to red flags like "wants you pregnant in a year".

Have you ever seen his home? Is he married?

 

Yes I've seen his home, and no he is not married. Why is it alarming that he wants me pregnant in a year? He doesn't want to do it out of wedlock. I'm genuinely asking this question, I'm confused as to why it is alarming.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Ashley Lana said:

Yes I've seen his home, and no he is not married. Why is it alarming that he wants me pregnant in a year? He doesn't want to do it out of wedlock. I'm genuinely asking this question, I'm confused as to why it is alarming.

It's only alarming because of his overly possessive/controlling comments about your high heels ,etc etc etc

[Ashley Lana]

Just now, Batya33 said:

It's only alarming because of his overly possessive/controlling comments about your high heels ,etc etc etc

I guess I don't find him possessive because he doesn't text me as much as I text him.

[Wiseman2]

Read up on warning signs of abusive and controlling relationships. This includes possessiveness, overly quick involvement and the excessive wining and dining routine.

Unfortunately you believe the issue is only texting 10x a day. That's the least of your problems. 

Slow down. Most of what he's doing is hot air and trying to buy your affection with dinners that impress you. Step back and observe.

[Kwothe28]

A man drives an hour and a half to you. Takes you to expensive places, pays and never complains. Tells you he wants to move to be more closer to you and how he wants to marry you. And you complain that he "only" texts you 10 messages a day and how you dont know if he is serious about you? Do you want him to blow up your phone every 5 minutes so you would know he likes you? Are you really that needy for validation? You are an influencer, but damn, you shouldnt be that needy for validation.

Aside of possesivness, he seems pretty serious about you. Doesnt mean that much unless he actually does those steps, but he seems like a type who is pursuing somebody to marry. Careful for possesivness though. He seems like a type that wont really let you to "go out with your girlfriends and do whatever you want". You should know that if you decide on taking that relationship to the next step.

 

[Jaunty]

Ugh.  Your game playing was and still is completely unacceptable.  I can't really believe that any man without some serious issues would have hung in there for that.  I guess he is impressed by your "influencer" status and looks, being that you're a fitness model with 500,000 followers.  

Texting 10 times a day is a ton, especially for people over 30 years old.  Obviously he's "into" you.  Why else would he have put up with your games and things like complaining that a restaurant wasn't "fancy enough"?  And you're withholding sex, too.   What guy with any of his crap together would be down for that.  I can't imagine.

He sounds insecure and controlling - and that's working in your favor.   

So, yes, he's "into" you.  As far as actually "liking" I can't say - you haven't shared any of your likable qualities here yet.  But you're hot and have 500,000 followers and that might be the only thing that he really looks for in a woman, as long as he knows where you went and what shoes you wore.

[MissCanuck]

You sound entitled and needy. 

He sounds possessive and controlling. 

It's only been, what, 3 months? Way too many red flags all over this, from both of you. 

[smackie9]

If it doesn't feel right, then it's not. I wouldn't feel comfortable with any of this and be running for the hills. 

[DarkCh0c0]

The amount of red flags here is insane, yet you're focused on whether he likes you or not.

9 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

Two weeks ago, he told me that he wants to be married to me and have me pregnant within a year.

This is waaay too quick. You don't know each other yet. You're in the honey moon stage of the relationship and this is not the stage to talk about this. Slow down. Take your time to know him, his friends, family, ect. See how communication is when you hit disagreements, how he treats you when you fall ill, travel, ect. Let the relationship fall into the comfort zone and see if he still keeps up the efforts and how your dynamic as couple works or not. You also need to discuss expectations when it comes to sharing house chores, raising kids, and see if you are compatible in those. There's a lot that you still don't know about him. A lot of this is also things you will only know when you hit bumps in the relationship because talk is cheap. I would have RAN at the fact that he just thinks he owns me and your agenda for the next year together. RUN!! 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

9 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

He told me that he's going to move, so that he only lives 20 minutes away from me. Again. I was shocked...

Again. Red flag. He's accelerating the pace and making this not easy for you. He's bringing himself closer to the life of a woman he's been seeing only for 3 months!! He's marking his territory, so to speak.

9 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

He pointed out that he's not getting sex from me, so clearly he's not using me for my body, he's told me on multiple occasions that he is very into me and he likes me.

Jesus! Really?! You should thank your lucky stars. What BS. That aside, is there a reason you haven't slept together yet? 

9 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

Whenever he comes to my apartments, if he sees a pair of my high heels by the door, he'll ask me where I wore them to.

Subtle controlling sign.

9 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

I told a story about a weird interaction I had with my neighbor, and he kept asking "is he single? does he have a family? does he live by himself?" and it shocked me that he seemed a little jealous?

Another control sign. It's NOT about jealousy. It's about controlling and possessing you. It's about ensuring you slowly avoid talking to other men so that he has the only hold over you. It's about avoiding talking to other people so that you don't upset him. It's about slowly isolating you from others under the pretence/mask of jealousy.

9 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

I can't understand is why we don't talk frequently during the week?

Some people are not big on texting. Point blank. You're an internet star used to doing too much online. If he's putting efforts, he's into you.

However, the problem here is that he has too many red flags and he's pushing himself in your life very quickly. Maybe you don't have a back-bone to push back or you're desperate to marry, but women who are looking for a healthy relationship and partner would have ran to the hills in your shoes. Did you even want to be pregnant and married within a year? With a stranger?

My advice to you is to walk away from this. This is toxic. While you are spoiled and slightly insecure, he is controlling and possessive. His possessive behaviour will escalate. Don't put up with this. Just walk away and block him everywhere. You can find a healthier partner who will spoil you, but who wouldn't be on the possessive side. This man is so creepy I got the ircks reading your post. You don't want to end up pregnant and married to a covertly abusive man. Please, walk away and save yourself.

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

Yes I've seen his home, and no he is not married. Why is it alarming that he wants me pregnant in a year?

Really?  Well ... you've known him for 2 months, for some reason you treated him like trash at the beginning (unless this is just how you act with everyone, I assume that there were things about him you were not into) AND you don't even know if he likes you.

Given all of those issues, YOU should be alarmed that he wants you pregnant within a year.   

Definitely you BOTH would have to like EACH OTHER, which I see little sign of from your post.   And you'd have to KNOW each other.  

Also your fitness modeling will be taking a backseat if you get pregnant.

[Andrina]

People who choose to date long distance either have things to hide, or everyone locally won't touch them with a 10-foot pole, or they possess barriers like emotional baggage.  You can see some or all of those things in the both of you. 

How you think two dysfunctional people are going to create paradise, I don't know.

You're not ready to date until you get rid of your emotional baggage and have realistic expectations in dating.

He's not ready to date either, since he's making major plans that involve moving close to you and impregnating someone he's barely known for 60 days. You haven't even had sex yet. You might not match in that area. 

You're both lacking in self-esteem, so you're both too fearful of each other to gain a genuine emotional connection. 

What is your effort since he does all the driving and paying? Posing to look pretty while he wines and dines you?

Quality men won't put up with that BS. And quality men also won't jeopardize their careers by being tethered to a phone all day to appease a demanding girlfriend. 

You have a lot of work to do on yourself--your self-esteem and expectations. 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

Yes I've seen his home, and no he is not married. Why is it alarming that he wants me pregnant in a year? He doesn't want to do it out of wedlock. I'm genuinely asking this question, I'm confused as to why it is alarming.

Because...

Quote

We met and started dating in late October of this year.

 

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

When I complained about one of the restaurants he took me to not being fancy enough, he took me to a fancier one the next week. If I complain, he makes adjustments. But what I can't understand is why we don't talk frequently during the week?

Hmm.... well...

 

8 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

17 hours ago, Ashley Lana said:

Two weeks ago, he told me that he wants to be married to me and have me pregnant within a year.

This is waaay too quick. You don't know each other yet. You're in the honey moon stage of the relationship and this is not the stage to talk about this. Slow down. Take your time to know him, his friends, family, ect. See how communication is when you hit disagreements, how he treats you when you fall ill, travel, ect. Let the relationship fall into the comfort zone and see if he still keeps up the efforts and how your dynamic as couple works or not. You also need to discuss expectations when it comes to sharing house chores, raising kids, and see if you are compatible in those. There's a lot that you still don't know about him. A lot of this is also things you will only know when you hit bumps in the relationship because talk is cheap. I would have RAN at the fact that he just thinks he owns me and your agenda for the next year together. RUN!

I agree with this!

 

8 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

My advice to you is to walk away from this. This is toxic. While you are spoiled and slightly insecure, he is controlling and possessive. His possessive behaviour will escalate.

And this.

You two are not a match.  You want this... this isn't good enough.. and he wants you this way & that way and prego?  Seriously???  Nope 😕 .

It's only been a cpl months.  Get out of it.