Feeling fed up by this now

[sweetlady]

I normally don't really like to post here too much about my relationship but just need to off load a bit and see what you all think.

My partner and I are expecting a baby in February. We are close in my eyes probably because of the baby.

So he been going to his church quite a few times. My partner currently doesn't work hopefully soon he will. Not stopping him from going to his church or out anywhere. My issue is I can't keep funding his travel because money is needed for other stuff. I use to help a lot but now I had to be mean and say no and put me and my son first. 

For example got money and made it clear I be getting my son his presents he didn't want much either considering he asked for two expensive things and I said no and basically he listed other stuff which was not expensive plus my son understood he wouldn't get much as his birthday soon after Christmas too.

So my partner he can't go he won't ask anyone to go his church. It something that happens each year I knew he didn't want to miss it. Someone from his church gave him the money to go and I just helped him book through his account. What annoyed me was I said I did feel bad I couldn't give you money but I had to get my son gifts. His answer to that was quite selfish saying I was putting these presents before God. As my partner doesn't really do Christmas either. I was annoyed by this comment. But stuck to my guns my son comes first glad he got help to go to this church event but not going to keep setting myself back all the time. He doesn't need to go all the time. He went first week in December and then week before ending. I said you should of just gone to the last one. He went had a great time etc.

So the week coming he had a party to go to with his friends so again he knew I didn't have the money to give him. Well I had a little but needed it for things. I was getting paid the next day. His mate said he give him the travel money down but he needs to find money back. I said let me see how much I have next day need to get more Christmas stuff etc. My mum had come to stay with us so she gave him the money. I ended up giving him some too. So again off he went and I didn't contact him once. Let him message me etc. He did saying if I tried contacting him and can't get him don't worry he forgot his charger etc. Tbh I totally ignored the message didn't even respond was annoyed he knows how far pregnant I am etc. Somehow he must of found a charger got his phone charged up. This was in morning after he been out. I had a friend coming so didn't think about him etc enjoyed my day.

My mum said to me it's a good job I am here he can't be going out like this leaving you all the time as you near to having the baby. I got her point too and she even said to him after going to this party hold of on going out you can't keep leaving her she so close to having the baby. 

So that passed Christmas day came and it was okay. But because everywhere shut he said he felt like he was in prison now this has really annoyed me. Because he been going out quite a lot not stuck at home. 

Day after he couldn't wait to go for his walk do his normal thing.

I don't mind him going out but he carries on like he living in prison when he at home. It's not my fault he hasn't got money etc. I try my best to help him but if I need things then say no because food, gas, electric and my son important.

I get he needs to go out for some alone time and space. But it's getting to the point I do feel he doesn't want to be around me. 

The past two days I have really felt annoyed. We had to go to our local town centre quickly to do do a few things come home go to scan. We come home he quickly pops out I got annoyed. I won't lie I actually went to the shop just see if he actually was going where he said. Ofcourse he was at his shop. Then he didn't say anything to me he knew what I did. Then went had to go to the scan.

Yesterday the same he went out and like I don't mind but I got fed up just went out to so some shopping myself.

I feel just fed up with him carrying like he doesn't go no where or do anything. Obviously I am happy about having a baby but even before baby born would like time with him or even go a night away. When I have the baby I feel I be left at home and hopefully he be working. He be off going away and I be left at home. The thing is I am not one to sit at home all day. So after recovering from birth and a few months I will be out and about going to baby groups etc. 

He just seems selfish at the moment and it's not like I have him locked up in prison. It's the situation he in he has to deal with not my fault and while I do help him my baby and son comes first now. 

Maybe it's because I am coming to the end of my pregnancy but even thought about telling him it's over. Just feels like we not together but he just living with me. He is supportive in other ways rather than financial which I know he desperate to work just he can't at the moment. He knows I won't keep handing him money to go out or go his church the time. If he does get money he does help as he does so odd jobs here and there for people in his church.

The problem now seems he just doesn't want to be around me. He doesn't suggest us go down the road together or say let do this or that. Just seems bored and I do give him his space.

Just wondering what you all think. 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Why can't he work right now?

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, sweetlady said:

Just wondering what you all think. 

 

I think your man is a bum. That doesnt work or probably help around. But goes out on parties and events and asks money from you and somehow your mom. That is embarassing. A grown man with the baby on the way. Taking money and spending it while you need that money, all because "he cant be at home, home is like a prison".

What do you expect from a man like that? What kind of a help you expect when the baby is there? He already doesnt contribute to anything and baby is "high maintenance" in both financial and mental way. If he thinks its unbearable now, just wait until baby comes. Work or no work you would never see him at home. 

[DarkCh0c0]

He's a lazy user. I really wonder what he's doing at church. He rather take your money and go to church for a week than help you with the baby? He wants to give God gifts rather than his family? God doesn't need gifts, but your guy is the one who wants money.

Honey, you are being used by this emotionally manipulative and unavailable man. Look at him saying he's in prison to make you feel guilty and give up into giving him money.

The man can't work and provide for you and the baby? He complains about your existence in his life? Then Bye! You don't need him. You would be saving money without him and your mom would actually help you with the baby.

I see ZERO benefits of him being around in your life.

He is just using you to have a home and money. He doesn't even care about the baby. Don't be fooled by his BS words and fake promises. He's such a big stress and you're walking on eggshells all the times.

So, kick him to the curb and don't have him around near the delivery time. You have every right to feel fed up. You can do much better and find actual equal and loving partner. Focus on protecting your home, yourself and baby from pieces of trash like him.

You are worthy of a man who pays the bills and steps up in house chores and his love to you as you deliver his baby in this world. The current guy belongs to the street. Don't discuss the break up with him because there's nothing to discuss and he'll try to use any manipulation card to guilt you. Just tell him this isn't working and have him pack his stuff and move out next day if it's your place. If you rather move out, it's even better. Give him money to go to church and confidentiality move out to your mom's place or to a new apartment while he's away. Cease all comms with him and consult a lawyer afterwards regarding custody. You owe him NOTHING. You owe yourself however a peaceful home where you and your baby feel loved and supported consistently.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you a healthy delivery 💚

[poorlittlefish]

Any man worth his salt would know that having a baby on the way means it's time to step up and put serious effort into getting a job.  I don't know what the situation is like in other countries, but in the  UK there are jobs galore and loads that don't require specific qualifications, eg retail/hospitality.

He won't be able to keep going out all the time when the baby arrives, but if going out is what he wants to do then he's free to do so - using his own money, not yours.  Until that time, he should be using the time he's "in prison" at home to apply for jobs.

The way he's carrying on doesn't bode well for him being a responsible partner and father, tbh.

[sweetlady]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think your man is a bum. That doesnt work or probably help around. But goes out on parties and events and asks money from you and somehow your mom. That is embarassing. A grown man with the baby on the way. Taking money and spending it while you need that money, all because "he cant be at home, home is like a prison".

What do you expect from a man like that? What kind of a help you expect when the baby is there? He already doesnt contribute to anything and baby is "high maintenance" in both financial and mental way. If he thinks its unbearable now, just wait until baby comes. Work or no work you would never see him at home. 

Your absolutely right and this why I put myself first and my baby and son.

Especially when he told me he wanted a job where he works away. So I told him we be over then and you have to move out.

Even if he had a job he he still never home which I know he would love that. I know men work away from home all the time but for my situation our relationship wouldn't work as he lacks communication. This why if he goes away I just never contact him.

All I know is he not single and he acting like he always missing out when he doesn't these people help him financially. He told me I won't ask but when she said this friend in his church he said I have no money so obviously she felt sorry for him. Asked even if I wanted to go. It's too much traveling for me now. If he or I was driving different.

If I don't go they always ask for me. 

 

 

 

 

[sweetlady]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He's a lazy user. I really wonder what he's doing at church. He rather take your money and go to church for a week than help you with the baby? He wants to give God gifts rather than his family? God doesn't need gifts, but your guy is the one who wants money.

Honey, you are being used by this emotionally manipulative and unavailable man. Look at him saying he's in prison to make you feel guilty and give up into giving him money.

The man can't work and provide for you and the baby? He complains about your existence in his life? Then Bye! You don't need him. You would be saving money without him and your mom would actually help you with the baby.

I see ZERO benefits of him being around in your life.

He is just using you to have a home and money. He doesn't even care about the baby. Don't be fooled by his BS words and fake promises. He's such a big stress and you're walking on eggshells all the times.

So, kick him to the curb and don't have him around near the delivery time. You have every right to feel fed up. You can do much better and find actual equal and loving partner. Focus on protecting your home, yourself and baby from pieces of trash like him.

You are worthy of a man who pays the bills and steps up in house chores and his love to you as you deliver his baby in this world. The current guy belongs to the street. Don't discuss the break up with him because there's nothing to discuss and he'll try to use any manipulation card to guilt you. Just tell him this isn't working and have him pack his stuff and move out next day if it's your place. If you rather move out, it's even better. Give him money to go to church and confidentiality move out to your mom's place or to a new apartment while he's away. Cease all comms with him and consult a lawyer afterwards regarding custody. You owe him NOTHING. You owe yourself however a peaceful home where you and your baby feel loved and supported consistently.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you a healthy delivery 💚

Thank you.

Yesterday I thought to myself to tell him after baby born he needs to go. 

We will need a serious talk when he starts working too. I don't want to be fully relying on him. As I still work but go off on maternity in January although currently given sick note in.

The only issue I resent him for is the money otherwise he does do a lot round the home. But sometimes he gets a bit lazy.

It's just we both looking forward to the baby but all I know we need a serious talk. If still this carry's on he can go. I have literally had enough of him acting like he doesn't go out no where. 

Like if he going away it's I need a haircut, I need new this it's like having a teenager. I just don't say nothing now like offer to help. I been like this awhile now. He knows I don't help him like before because it's too much.

 

 

[sweetlady]

34 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

Any man worth his salt would know that having a baby on the way means it's time to step up and put serious effort into getting a job.  I don't know what the situation is like in other countries, but in the  UK there are jobs galore and loads that don't require specific qualifications, eg retail/hospitality.

He won't be able to keep going out all the time when the baby arrives, but if going out is what he wants to do then he's free to do so - using his own money, not yours.  Until that time, he should be using the time he's "in prison" at home to apply for jobs.

The way he's carrying on doesn't bode well for him being a responsible partner and father, tbh.

The job part is sensitive subject like I said if he could he would. In the summer he was getting money helping people with various things. He would help with food, gas, electric etc.

There's a bit of block for him to work which again is his own doing. Once things are sorted he will work and I probably won't see him.

I already knew this would happen this why when we first got together I wasn't sure about having a baby I actually let myself work. I knew something was wrong why I wasn't falling pregnant. Plus I told him things won't change if I had a baby it won't make us closer. He said yes it will.

I only decided to go ahead because this maybe my last chance to have another baby so let it happen when I had op. 

Obviously now I am expecting I decided the baby and my other child will be put first and he knows that. 

I just already know what is going to happen unless he changes. He out going and don't expect him to be sitting at home with me all the time. But he also knows I am the same so weather we are together or not a compromise on going out etc.

But tbh I decided to have a baby too. So I probably wouldn't but I mean go out with friends with children not going bars, clubs. I will create a social circle for myself.

My mum keeps giving him money told her stop. He taking the p now. 

He trying to do something to get money so this has become an issue. 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

21 minutes ago, sweetlady said:

The only issue I resent him for is the money otherwise he does do a lot round the home. But sometimes he gets a bit lazy

Honey, your standards are very low. He does a lot around the house? So? He's supposed to. He lives in it! 

He doesn't treat you right and he's a lazy man who won't keep it a job because of whatever sensitive stuff he's going through. He has a baby coming and he should have been working hard to save money for when the baby is here. Babies are expensive. They require diapers, food, a crib, milk, ect. Yet he doesn't give a *** and he has let you both down.

I get that you wanted to have a second baby, but why keep such a man? Why walk on eggshells and put your kids through this BS? Talking with him about his behaviour is useless. He has shown you who he is during critical moments so don't expect any better.

Your mom is obviously here for you so let her help around instead. 

[sweetlady]

22 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Honey, your standards are very low. He does a lot around the house? So? He's supposed to. He lives in it! 

He doesn't treat you right and he's a lazy man who won't keep it a job because of whatever sensitive stuff he's going through. He has a baby coming and he should have been working hard to save money for when the baby is here. Babies are expensive. They require diapers, food, a crib, milk, ect. Yet he doesn't give a *** and he has let you both down.

I get that you wanted to have a second baby, but why keep such a man? Why walk on eggshells and put your kids through this BS? Talking with him about his behaviour is useless. He has shown you who he is during critical moments so don't expect any better.

Your mom is obviously here for you so let her help around instead. 

Tbh any man would a risk of being an idiot in the end. I know there are some decent ones out there. But for just said it's now or never and I went ahead.

I also playing along because people will see him soon once I tell them what he like.

At the moment just getting myself through the pregnancy and will need him for now to help. Otherwise I am more or less done with him unless he changes.

I just know when to say no and tell him what I feel he has to live with it.

There's a lot here but my main issue is him expecting me to keep funding him going away and just b

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, sweetlady said:

 I actually went to the shop just see if he actually was going where he said. 

Do you suspect he's having affairs?

[sweetlady]

Buying my time tbh at the moment and will just wait until he works which soon enough it will happen in new year. I will take my issue with him to him and let his family know too. He can come out with the she insecure rubbish and other stuff so forth but I know what I am doing for his sake he needs to change.

I feel like all what is happening I knew would happen. I grieved already for my relationship.

[sweetlady]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you suspect he's having affairs?

I did but he just goes betting on football which is something I didn't want to say. He probably chat to someone online who knows. But in regards to full blown physical affair he is mostly home.

His mind is about getting money at the moment.

Because he said to me I lost my game I wanted to surprise you and we go get the baby stuff.

I think it's him being selfish is the issue.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, sweetlady said:

I know men work away from home all the time but for my situation our relationship wouldn't work as he lacks communication. This why if he goes away I just never contact him.

He doesn't lack communication.  He knows full well how to "communicate" when he wants something -money, a phone charger, travel arrangements. Please act in the best interests of your children and stop making excuses for him.  My dad wasn't well and he worked 6 days a week for a number of years when my sister and I were young and my mother was home with us/couldn't work outside the home (this was in the 1970s). He picked up extra hours wherever he could. 

We lived in a small apartment and didn't have lots of stuff but we were comfortable because he worked his behind off.  When I was 6 my mom went back to work part time and only because my grandparents could watch us after school.   My grandfather didn't even finish high school, had to learn English as an immigrant and he did manual labor full time and brought his lunch with him so he could provide for his wife and two kids. 

Give me a break.  It's so easy now if you're not disabled to pick up side gigs like rideshare or cashier or food service.  My friend's son wants to make extra money so he's going to work part time at a supermarket. He is 14.  No excuse unless there's something about your partner that prohibits him from working at what's available.

[sweetlady]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

He doesn't lack communication.  He knows full well how to "communicate" when he wants something -money, a phone charger, travel arrangements. Please act in the best interests of your children and stop making excuses for him.  My dad wasn't well and he worked 6 days a week for a number of years when my sister and I were young and my mother was home with us/couldn't work outside the home (this was in the 1970s). He picked up extra hours wherever he could. 

We lived in a small apartment and didn't have lots of stuff but we were comfortable because he worked his behind off.  When I was 6 my mom went back to work part time and only because my grandparents could watch us after school.   My grandfather didn't even finish high school, had to learn English as an immigrant and he did manual labor full time and brought his lunch with him so he could provide for his wife and two kids. 

Give me a break.  It's so easy now if you're not disabled to pick up side gigs like rideshare or cashier or food service.  My friend's son wants to make extra money so he's going to work part time at a supermarket. He is 14.  No excuse unless there's something about your partner that prohibits him from working at what's available.

Trust there is a good a reason why he can't work if he was just lazy would of got rid ages ago. I just don't want to disclose that part as that another difficult subject altogether. 

He is a worker and if he could which is why he did odd jobs for people in his church and he went away think it was a week to do painting work. He helps out at this centre but then sort of jobs have stopped.

My issue is with him know I am working part time and with health issues have struggled to work even on sick leave. He needs to understand that I can't keep giving him money to go to these events. Although like I said people help him which it's not like they don't. Comes back like he coming back to prison. 

For example my mother staying with us. We went shopping he was home waiting for a delivery. I told him we need gas, electric he could went out fast. My mother said he couldn't wait to get out quick could he.

Weather he works or not he doesn't seem to want to be around me. Like I am boring but being 7mths pregnant tired but have gone out.

Mostly he is home but just you can tell he doesn't want to be here.

I honestly written our relationship off a long time ago for other reasons too. Just don't think we going to last and once baby born he definitely going to prove my point.

But saying that we go through this periods where 

[sweetlady]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

He doesn't lack communication.  He knows full well how to "communicate" when he wants something -money, a phone charger, travel arrangements. Please act in the best interests of your children and stop making excuses for him.  My dad wasn't well and he worked 6 days a week for a number of years when my sister and I were young and my mother was home with us/couldn't work outside the home (this was in the 1970s). He picked up extra hours wherever he could. 

We lived in a small apartment and didn't have lots of stuff but we were comfortable because he worked his behind off.  When I was 6 my mom went back to work part time and only because my grandparents could watch us after school.   My grandfather didn't even finish high school, had to learn English as an immigrant and he did manual labor full time and brought his lunch with him so he could provide for his wife and two kids. 

Give me a break.  It's so easy now if you're not disabled to pick up side gigs like rideshare or cashier or food service.  My friend's son wants to make extra money so he's going to work part time at a supermarket. He is 14.  No excuse unless there's something about your partner that prohibits him from working at what's available.

We go through these periods and he changes and we seem okay. Even my mother here picking up on something not right.

I need to use him with things as much as he trying to use me. Then I will know when to tell him go. 

I have my own plan always have. 

I will have a serious talk with him first. Already told him if he decides to work away he have to move out he quickly changed his tune. We are over. This why I only have my name on my tenancy won't be putting his name on it anytime soon. 

It's the expecting me to give him money over getting presents for my son that annoyed me. He got more selfish with just wanting money all the time. Like I said he got a problem with betting now. 

 

 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, sweetlady said:

We go through these periods and he changes and we seem okay. Even my mother here picking up on something not right.

I need to use him with things as much as he trying to use me. Then I will know when to tell him go. 

I have my own plan always have. 

I will have a serious talk with him first. Already told him if he decides to work away he have to move out he quickly changed his tune. We are over. This why I only have my name on my tenancy won't be putting his name on it anytime soon. 

It's the expecting me to give him money over getting presents for my son that annoyed me. He got more selfish with just wanting money all the time. Like I said he got a problem with betting now. 

 

 

I mean sure in normal life people go through "periods" and it's up to you as an adult, a mother, to decide when it's enough and you're not going to endure any more "periods".  I'm glad you told him your boundaries.  Make sure you have his name on the birth certificate, figure out as much in advance as possible a co-parenting arrangement and put the wheels in motion so if he works he will have to pay child support and/or pay in some other way.

[sweetlady]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean sure in normal life people go through "periods" and it's up to you as an adult, a mother, to decide when it's enough and you're not going to endure any more "periods".  I'm glad you told him your boundaries.  Make sure you have his name on the birth certificate, figure out as much in advance as possible a co-parenting arrangement and put the wheels in motion so if he works he will have to pay child support and/or pay in some other way.

I don't think I have to worry about him not paying. I will put him on birth certificate.

I thought my son was bad but he seems worse at times. Always dropping hints he needs this or that I can't do it more helping him.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, sweetlady said:

Trust there is a good a reason why he can't work

And what is that good reason, that doesn't exclude him from gambling?

5 hours ago, sweetlady said:

he just goes betting on football

 

[boltnrun]

As long as you make excuses for him not working nothing will change.

Why is he refusing to work?

Why are you giving him money to go out, travel and bet on sports?

He will not change and get a job when the baby is born. This I guarantee.

[sweetlady]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

And what is that good reason, that doesn't exclude him from gambling?

 

That's not really anyone business to know why but it's a good reason. It's no an excuse he simple can't work at the moment.

Not excusing the gambling as even though he may not put much on he becoming obsessed with it. The odd little bit he puts on still mounts up so will have to have a serious talk with him.

[DarkCh0c0]

7 hours ago, sweetlady said:

He needs to understand that I can't keep giving him money to go to these events.

He understands. He just doesn't give a *** anyways. He doesn't care about how this affects you and his baby. He only cares about his own needs.

You should kick him to the curb. He's useless. Stop people pleasing and empathising with such a man. Kick him to the curb and keep him away from your family.

[sweetlady]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

As long as you make excuses for him not working nothing will change.

Why is he refusing to work?

Why are you giving him money to go out, travel and bet on sports?

He will not change and get a job when the baby is born. This I guarantee.

The job I know he will get when he can. That you cannot guarantee too because I know him and you don't.

Like I said it's about expecting me to help which maybe he doesn't buy hints and say if I find money I can go here or there. We sometimes go together away and stay with my mother.

Just his expectations from me and then saying he won't ask anyone but tella them how he has no money etc. They help well that's up to them.

The selfishness feeling like he needs to be at each event which he can't make them all.

Like today he went out knew where he went he wasn't gone for long and he been home all day. So I can see why he likes his walk but that's not the issue. Not holding him captive like he would people to think.

It's like also don't think he expected me not to message him while out with his mates. As that proves a point to his mates I couldn't care a less what he does now.

You know they say when you no longer see her getting annoyed at stuff you do. I can't remember the quote now. 

Then he messages me about him not having his charger that I didn't respond to thought your trying to be clever you purposely left it. Then somehow found one and his phone charging we spoke on the phone. I honestly was busy preparing to see my friend that day.

He was going on about snow coming and anyway my mum quite over protective telling me I should come home etc. I ignored them.

Think just fed up in general that I just can't get a day to myself out with friends too. Obviously I know I need to be careful being pregnant. 

Like I said I need to have a very serious talk with him but don't want to stress myself to much. 

I was just annoyed to why I posted him feeling like he in prison. When he not he just can't do things because of situation he in so money is an issue. But still he gets help not all the time but sometimes I been more mean.

Next week he got his family coming from his country I won't have anything to give him to go see them. His family will have to help him. They actually will be a while. 

I thought after last time he know how difficult financially things were but now he doesn't like me not putting him first becomes I start sat no. In all honesty that's up to him now he have to accept it. My baby and son comes first now as clearly he being selfish.

Thanks for all advice just basically having a rant. Getting it off my chance.

 

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, sweetlady said:

I did feel bad I couldn't give you money but I had to get my son gifts. His answer to that was quite selfish saying I was putting these presents before God.

First, I'd never apologize for not funding a perfectly healthy and able adult, and secondly, I'd tell him that he doesn't get a vote unless he contributes to your household equally, and thirdly, if his God is worth worshipping, s/he knows that he's mooching off of a pregnant woman and her mother, so he'd best not try to speak as a mouthpiece for God.

Frankly, I'd ditch the dude. I'd see legal aid about garnishing his future wages for child support, and I'd rid myself of a passive-aggressive moocher who's putting his own pride problem on YOU.

Head high, healthy baby, and I hope your new year turns out better than this one.

[boltnrun]

Sorry, but this guy is no provider. Spending money earned by his pregnant girlfriend who has GD and given to him by her mother. 

Unless he's physically disabled and earning a disability pension I cannot fathom what excuse he has for being perfectly able to travel, gamble, go out with his friends, attend church events and go on all day walks but "unable" to work. 

No wonder you're stressed. You have a lot of useless weight you're carrying around.