Feeling fed up by this now

[sweetlady]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So now it's time to shift from selfish reasons for getting pregnant to acting in the best interests of your child. I wrote above my suggestions.  

HO taking long because they not doing appeals. Which I know is frustrating for him and I. He really wants to work but he stuck for now and doesn't want to risk himself. He taken so many risks before. When he works he does help out. Even now he trying to get money and if his family give him money help can't complain.

The thing is here he good with my children and good towards me. But it's not enough because he don't love me the way I love him. 

But each day things change here. He started to cuddle me more in bed and just feels another twist. We are getting on however I don't trust him become of what he done in the past. I constantly look at his phone but I find nothing in it. I know his mind on more getting money. He has said about sex and other stuff. 

I have spoken to his sis in law too. She gets a lot of what I am going through.

Another issue come up got him on edge even though I warned him about all of this told him what will happen. I have been a great support to him and he has been to me in many ways. 

I feel okay I have prepared myself from a long time like I said the beginning of the end. We are heading towards the end. 

We are not married although once his thing comes through we was meant too. He or I haven't mentioned it at all so happy not too.

His name is not on my tenancy and he knows I won't put him on it. But we have spoke about getting a bigger place.

Tbh I hold the cards for now until they give him the visa although it's strange I given this man a life line and this application just not going straight through. 

So whatever happens I know I have been a great support to him. 

I was going to speak to his family about how I just can't do this no more. 

But he has changed again he aware I don't trust him and I have changed.

To me all the looking down at me making me feel like I am not good enough he got the same back now.

 He is going to his family tommorow as they celebrating a birthday. I can't go it's too much. But using this as is having space apart. I basically told him got a friend coming so he need to stay there so hopefully he comes Sunday night.

I do feel at the stage we at least need to separate. I will hold of for a bit trying to make this relationship work. But I know deep down he will eventually leave us.

The only problem I have is our baby but again I hold the cards here too. 

I won't lie to you all many times I thought about calling HO to get him removed. I already stopped something but basically I kind of saved him. 

It is a big mess but a situation that changes everyday now. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, sweetlady said:

 So both of us at home with our baby

What is his residency status?  Will he be deported if he doesn't find a job or address the visa situation? How will you two support yourselves and the children in the future if he can't or won't work?  

[sweetlady]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is his residency status?  Will he be deported if he doesn't find a job or address the visa situation? How will you two support yourselves and the children in the future if he can't or won't work?  

He has applied now but he waiting to hear back.

I was working part time but on maternity leave. 

We are basically on benefits but I would like to return to work unless he gets a job although I don't want to be totally dependent on him already looked at childcare and different other jobs I could do. May try to work around him.

He will work what I haven't said I met him he was working when he wasn't meant to. How I found out was he told me one evening when I first started seeing him he been caught at work they seized his money in money in bank. 

Yes should of run for the hills in fact I did and went on a date with someone else. He doesn't know this though. But then got back with him.

He not a guy to be lazy and I can tell you feels so frustrated to not be working and less of a man. He also depressed at times. 

He did do old jobs helping people with events getting money that way last year. I can't complain he did help out. I wouldn't normally be a woman who all about money but hope he does it this year too. 

It's most definitely like having a second teenager in here. He gets so bored and feel like constantly having to entertain him but he goes out. 

I know once he works things could improve between us but just at this stage so not sure what to do. Even a friend and I spoke about this.

So he doesn't know I am literally just go with the flow each day. I have told him if he not happy the door is there but he stuck. 

I rambled on here. 

But thanks for all your advice.

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

May I ask what nationality is your partner?

Maybe you don’t want to answer to protect him, also I asked whether he asked to marry you and your answer was unclear. 

These important questions would help understand his motivations. 

See, I have been dating a young albanian guy last year, he came in Switzerland without visa and struggled to find work. In the beginning he was all sweet, didn’t speak my language so we would speak English together. He would come strong and tell me anything a woman wants to hear. After a few weeks, when I already developed feelings for him, he asked me for money. He said he didn’t have and was stressed out. I said I would never give him money and that he shouldn’t ask me again. He said ok, sorry. (I should have blocked him but hey he was so sweet..,) than a few weeks later he tried again. That’s were I blocked him for real

After that I wanted to understand what are these guys motivation and how they proceed. As I had some time on my hands I started some conversations with guy from eastern countries (Albania, Serbia, Macedonia….) They would all be charming and so intense. I remember, one guy from Serbia, after a few days of conversation asked if he could come to Switzerland and meet me. I said sure, come during the weekend. And he replied, no I want to stay and live with you, I want to marry you. I asked him, how can you marry me if you don’t love me? He said: if I marry you, I will learn to love you. 

(love doesn’t matter to him as long as he gets a visa or a better situation… )

I’m not a fan of generalization, but there is a pattern you can easily recognize. 

Guys would be all sweet and charming in the beginning, they would make you fall in love. They would say they want to work, to provide. But they don’t. Or if they work, they do for some month, and then rely on someone else to pay for them. 

They would go out a lot, for some errands or to hang out with their buddies. Because they don’t fell like spending time with youat home. But hey, that’s just the beginning. In the best case, you will end up married to a lazy guy, cheating on you and wasting all your money and energy. In worst case, he will marry you, start treating you like sh****, and you won’t be able to get divorce because somehow, he will be intelligent enough to find a way to make you stay and waste your life. 

See, my best friend is in a bad situation. She’s also swiss (half Macedonian) She married a Macedonian guy when she was 20. He was so perfect for her, we all liked him sop much! They got two kids and after 10 years living together in Switzerland, having earnt enough money, buying some appartements he decided, out of the blue to go back live in Macedonia. She had no choice but to go with him. And now, there she is, married to an awful guy, violent, disrespectful, alone in Macedonia, away from her family and friends. She can’t go away because she can’t leave her children, she’s waiting for their majority to leave. She is depressed, gained much of weight and lost all her self-confidence.

Your story makes me feel bad, because of what my friend is going through now. I think you should start seeing him for what he is, a manipulative guy who seduced you for his own benefits. He obviously doesn’t love you and never will.

Are you willing to accept that??

[Batya33]

This is a mess OP and it will be a mess for your baby growing up among partners who are unstable together.  I suggest separating ASAP and co-parenting.  Even toddlers absorb and sense instability and drama and chaos.