Feeling fed up by this now

[greendots]

19 hours ago, sweetlady said:

So my partner he can't go he won't ask anyone to go his church. It something that happens each year I knew he didn't want to miss it. Someone from his church gave him the money to go and I just helped him book through his account.

19 hours ago, sweetlady said:

So my partner he can't go he won't ask anyone to go his church. It something that happens each year I knew he didn't want to miss it.

19 hours ago, sweetlady said:

As my partner doesn't really do Christmas either.

All of those sentences jumped at me immediately. What type of church does he go to? Generally those who attend mass or a church service celebrate Christmas; including the Eastern Orthodox Church—albeit at a later date. From skimming your other threads, you've been together 5 years. So, have you ever been to his church? Just wondering.

Plus, all this spending money to hang out with his mates... meanwhile you are about to have a baby. It's his baby as well. Is he helping out, cooperating, getting involved somehow?

Also, is there a legal reason you are putting up with him for so long? If there is, I'd talk to a lawyer and see what options you have. For your and your family's sake.

Honestly, you deserve to be with a man who respects you.

[itsallgrand]

Throwing this out there...is he in the country illegally? All thus under the table stuff makes me wonder that. 

I mean, if that's the case, it's even more complicated regarding the baby if you are to leave him.

 

[sweetlady]

Thanks for all your advice.

I am going to handle this but just in my own time and I do hold the cards. One phone call and he basically done.

I am not going to confirm yes or no to what people have suggested is going on here. 

In the 5 years I known of his situation I knew what I was getting into. I honestly had to laugh at the church because my father religious very similar to it. But obviously I still celebrate my Christmas. 

Yesterday something came up nothing not bady as such but he unexpected shocked me in the response. What I may think of him may not be it.

My son is away and I was informed by my father he staying longer. While I agreed to it I said he needs to be back that day he need to prepare for school. I was thinking my guy would be happy he staying away but actually he said no he should come home he needs to study etc. But said I have no say in this. Even told a close friend she said the same thing but don't have the heart to say bring him sooner. If anyone been reading my other on how to handle a step parent's they will know he around my stepmother who I can't stand.

So there are issues I need to deal with but won't be like asap until my baby safe arrival. I need this time to think on how I will go about things whatever decision I make on certain situation are. 

Obviously put my foot down when I need to but won't be saying leave now or making a big decisions just yet. That will most likely cause me more stress but it will be dealt with once I know what decision is made in terms of my guy. This what we waiting for. But be assured I can pull the plug  anytime.

Thanks all for advice I will update hopefully in new year or after baby born at some point.

 

 

[Batya33]

Sounds like this is an immigration or criminal issue why he "can't" work.  I would assume you are a single mom.  Also stop being his mom.  He is not a partner to you.  He wants to be one of your young children.

Do not provide for him anymore -not a penny.  If he has legal troubles keep your distance other than establishing paternity and making sure he pays child support to the penny of what he owes -go all out to get that.  I would end the romance for the sake of your sanity and in the best interests of your children.  Maybe if he gets his act together you can get back together not just as co-parents.

He doesn't care about you.  Or his family.  This is not just about money.  That's one way he shows he doesn't care.  He's not offering to be a stay at home dad right? (Or maybe he cannot be for the same reason he can't work).  Your kids don't need a deadbeat dad - not one who is living with their mom -he certainly should have access to his kids as appropriate.  

I don't know of any church who would support a person who is being this irresponsible and making babies he doesn't wish to provide for or take care of properly.

[Wiseman2]

Is he sending money back home to his family or a wife and kids? Does he have a gambling habit? Perhaps when his family arrive things will be clearer. If you need his help around the house for now, that's ok. Maybe his family will help him out in the long run. Take care of yourself and your child.

[spinstermanquee]

On 12/30/2022 at 6:01 AM, sweetlady said:

Because he said to me I lost my game I wanted to surprise you and we go get the baby stuff.

So instead of taking you to buy baby stuff, he took your money and gambled it away (and then so sorry, can't buy you baby stuff with your money cause I lost the money, but doesn't that make me a good guy that I "said" I was "going to buy baby stuff with you as a surprise")?  Gosh sweetlady, this guy sounds a little twisted.  I thought he was taking your money to go to church...?

Sorry you're going through this, sweetlady.  You and the baby deserve better.

[boltnrun]

He's either 1. an illegal immigrant, 2. has a criminal record or 3. is a drug user who can't pass a drug screening. I'm not sure how any of that will change on January 1st. And I'm not sure why you think anything will get better once you give birth.

I stand by my earlier statement: he will not get a job. Why should he? You pay for everything and give him money to drink, gamble and travel. And all he has to do is whine a bit about being in "prison" and any complaints you make are forgotten and you leap to give him more money. What a sweet deal for him!

No, he will not change, will not get a job and won't be a responsible father. 

I hope you do toss him out because the last thing you need as the mother of a newborn and an additional child is a deadbeat freeloader to support. 

[sweetlady]

We both seem to be focused on the baby coming at the moment.

A couple of days ago we heard what's happening with my partner situation. But right now being so close to having my baby not thinking of it although it's really annoyed me. A friend tried talking to me about it think she knows not happy but because I been stressed with the pregnancy she was like don't think about it for now.

I also think my father is getting why I am avoiding my Stepmum. He knows I been very stressed with pregnancy I hinted got my own mum to deal with and if any other issues won't be dealing with it now.

I wouldn't say things are awful as my partner has been very good. But could be better just the situation so like I said it's quite frustrating for him. Not much I can do tbh there him and his family will have to sort it. I think I done all I can.

I will update the thread later with more details. But I know with my partner will another year of this headache which I am literally done with. Like I said when baby born will have to have a very serious discussion with him.

 

[sweetlady]

On 12/31/2022 at 5:04 PM, boltnrun said:

He's either 1. an illegal immigrant, 2. has a criminal record or 3. is a drug user who can't pass a drug screening. I'm not sure how any of that will change on January 1st. And I'm not sure why you think anything will get better once you give birth.

I stand by my earlier statement: he will not get a job. Why should he? You pay for everything and give him money to drink, gamble and travel. And all he has to do is whine a bit about being in "prison" and any complaints you make are forgotten and you leap to give him more money. What a sweet deal for him!

No, he will not change, will not get a job and won't be a responsible father. 

I hope you do toss him out because the last thing you need as the mother of a newborn and an additional child is a deadbeat freeloader to support. 

I can't stress enough he will get a job just this situation he in at moment preventing him. If what he told me is true I actually blame his brothers for this. I won't go into the details at the moment. I know he very down because of not working. The days are literally wasting away and if the right decision was made then it be okay. He be working but unfortunately he can't just yet. So think we both waiting on baby and he just being close to me as he knows anytime could go into labour.

 

The gambling part is just desperation but isn't great either. He doesn't get anything from me for it.

It's frustrating for us both at the moment.

Serious talk after having my baby. But hopefully I be less stressed in terms of anxiety with pregnancy but be able to address the issues I have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, sweetlady said:

The gambling part is just desperation but isn't great either. He doesn't get anything from me for it.

No but he's taking from you and the soon to be born baby by gambling away $.  My friend's ex husband gambled away their savings for their children's college without her knowledge.  

I suggest after the baby is born focus on your child. 

Then when you have resources in place -help with the baby perhaps or you actually can sit down and take a breath have a serious discussion.  Not with him.  With yourself.  Plan how you are going to be a single mom and co-parent peacefully. 

Then figure out if he never changes how long would you stay? If you truly believe his brothers are to blame for him not being able to work at anything that pays $ then what would a "serious discussion" with him change? I'd have the discussion after you have the serious talk with yourself so you're ready to be proactive and move ahead with a single mom/co-parenting arrangement.  

[boltnrun]

His brothers are responsible for him not working? Did they have some sort of criminal activities going on and now he has a record and is unemployable? And you knew about this for five years?

If you can afford to support yourself and your child that is great. But I recommend that not one penny go toward him and his vacations and his gambling and whatever other activities he thinks he's entitled to.

[Tinydance]

I think you actually need to think though whether you want to be with someone who is into gambling. That's actually a separate issue in and of itself. People who become addicted to gambling very often can't stop and they can lose everything.

My friend's Dad is a gambler and though him and his wife had four kids, he gambled away all their money. They lost their house and had to live in a trailer. The kids hardly ever even got Christmas presents. Also he kept running away all the time because he owed people money. This friend was my roommate and I remember her Dad came and stayed with us for a few weeks from interstate because he was hiding from people he owed money to. 

The fact that your partner isn't working and has no money, but he's gambling, kind of sounds like he has a problem. If he doesn't even have money then why is he gambling? I think that's a serious reg flag right there. If he does have a gambling problem, I think you should really think about whether you actually want to stay with him. Would you really want your small child to go without because their Dad is gambling everything away?

Some women can't leave their partner because they're just a stay at home mother and they don't have money to leave. In your case it's actually you who is working and you're supporting yourself, your son, and your partner. So it actually sounds that if you left your partner, you'd actually have more money because you wouldn't have to support him too. 

I'm not sure why you don't go with him to his church or to any events he goes to, but that doesn't sound right to me. You're in a five year relationship but it doesn't really sound like you're a part of his life. He's always going out to all these things without you. You give him money but he doesn't even bring you along. If he's going to a party, even if you're pregnant you could still go but just not drink alcohol or use any substances.

It just doesn't really make sense why you're the one working but yet he's always going out with other people's money. If he doesn't have money then he should feel guilty to keep going out because he can't afford it. But obviously he doesn't feel bad about it and he's just always out having a great time. And he's not concerned about blowing this money away when he's literally just about to have a baby. And yes he does leave you alone at home when you could go into labour any minute. He sounds selfish to be honest.

[JustMeMyselfI]

Run.

[sweetlady]

Update

I had my baby early February so it's very strange for me. A teenager a baby and partner new situation.

From middle of pregnancy and maybe after having the baby was feeling insecure because felt so disconnected from him. But my partner is very helpful so things are changing just going with it. Even his situation also could be sorted.

We are managing financially as he doing jobs and getting some money. Our families have been great helping us too.

Yes there's been times feel so insecure but he feels so close to me now. Maybe baby bonded us he seems happy maybe he getting little money here and there.

Not really with us but it's that I feel a bit strange like having my baby brought memories back.

[Batya33]

I think it''s normal to have all sorts of postpartum emotions.  I'm glad your partner is being a good parent to your and his baby. Try to train yourself to be present-focused so you can care for your baby.  When I had my child I was a newlywed and about to relocate 800 miles away to a new city from a city where I'd lived for 43 years.  That was strange as well.  And my husband had to start traveling when the baby was 2 weeks old -every other week at least for a couple of days.  It was my first time in over 15 years being unemployed and not in school.

What also helps is doubling down on the basics for you - staying hydrated, avoiding sugary beverages/alcohol, eating enough fruits and veggies and lean protein and if your partner is co-parenting then schedule things when you think maybe you can catch a nap, etc.  That will help that strange feeling too.

Congratulations!

[JustMeMyselfI]

Congratulations!!! Good to hear that everything works out. Please don't stress yourself and stay healthy so you can take care of your baby. 

[catfeeder]

Congrats on your delivery, and welcome to the world, sweet-lady-baby!

[sweetlady]

Update

Where do I start there's been a lot happening.

I had my baby boy in February and like I said I felt insecure.

So we brought our baby to church for baby presentation. It was a long weekend.

I was curious to why a couple of people wasn't there. Something was really bugging me.

So I started looking in his phone again I won't lie since getting in the habit of it been doing it like every night. I found out the female friend he once had thing with had to work. So she couldn't come that's why she wasn't there. I expected her to be there but she wasn't. 

Then I looked at his phone and another female too at the conversation.

I haven't found anything else but it is him messaging and saying stuff to them makes me feel uneasy. One thing he wrote to this one was we will dance together. I wouldn't mind so much but he doesn't actually dance with me.

I sat him down we had a conversation and I did say that I support him with everything. The money part where I pay for travel actually came out wrong he said from now on don't help me. As I explained further he understood. I did say he acts so suspiciously I finally felt in that conversation I was more understanding him and why he does things.

So with what happened with him saying that to this female friend  it drove me to literally like say we need to do more things together. One day I just put this new casual dress on put make up on. He did say I looked nice and made a comment about makes a change than looking like old woman. We did have a good day together.

He been quite critical I have forgotten to say about the handling of our baby which is another thing. But I also have been the same to him as he can be quite rough. There's a lot I had to tell him about the baby too. We have so much conflict on different things to do with our baby boy. He just hasn't done this before even though he had a teenage daughter. 

So he recently said to me about sex and I said oh you find sex with me boring he didn't say no it did upset to here this but again I realized it had been. Which again I felt like not satisfied myself which I didn't say to him but I got what he meant. Yesterday watching a movie and he mentioned something about sex again. Which I realized an area of improvement is needed and the us spending quality time alone once our baby and my eldest son in bed.

Then even another conversation came up we spoke about his past lovers. I knew about them already but it seems like I know sounds crazy. Like since we got together 2018 I am starting to finally understand this man.

My partner is a good father and he is younger than me. He doesn't work which I don't mind confirming due to waiting on a visa. My insecurities was based on this and not being able to concieve but now we have a lo wouldn't say my insecurities gone. He also has said to me I need to pass the exam myself with the baby for us to have another later on. To which I responded but you have already failed the test as he can't cope with crying explained to him a lot of things. He didn't say nothing he knew I was right but cheek of it saying I needed to pass my exam.

I still feel we will break up eventually although when we had the talk about his ex lovers he said I know why God put us together he has tried to reassure me everything with us will be okay. I said what if he has to go back home to his country he did say no they can't. 

I do feel we had good times together but it was all for him to get a visa. I even said to him we both out going people.

I give him his space to go out which he said because of the baby so attached to him he trying to like be out all day so when he does work it be hard for me.

He been really good with my eldest son who had been saying he sick and not going school. Which he use to feel sick each morning. But my partner use to say he is fine send him school etc. He then switched and started to worry saying he got exams let us keep him home to recover. My son has seen the doctor and it's all down to his eating habits. Which my partner does go on and on to him about he is correct. We both go on to him about.

Sorry I have rambled there just so much that's happened.

I am feeling so torn because I want to end this and let this man go but I can't and don't want him removed but deep down I don't feel this is love between us sadly. We got a baby and my eldest really adores him. I do love him so much but don't think he loves me at all. I am trying and trying and it's getting to the point I want this whole situation to be sorted. I feel so down just not knowing what the future holds for us. We have spoken about getting a bigger place and another thing his brothers are getting his daughter to come here..

My question is to you all if no love on his part but he has been amazing support to me how can this continue? Will he eventually fall for me?

I feel sad but also stuck.

How do I tell him how I really feel. It seems too much I have had to deal with. Not that I been great I been awful too but we don't match as partners we co-parent and to me we like we friends.

Advice please 

 

 

[Batya33]

I think you start looking at the practical side of things especially if he is being rough with the baby.  I wouldn't concern myself right now with convincing this person to fall for you or "waiting" -both of which won't work anyway - and focus on getting all the paperwork done you need to so eventually if he can work you can get child support.  Stop supporting him and stop sharing physical living space.  If he is rough with the baby take steps to protect your baby.  He is the baby's father and I would put all my energy into coming up with a co-parenting plan and if there is going to be a romantic relationship between the two of you down the road do that after  you act in the best interests of your child. 

Trying to force a romantic relationship with a man you don't trust and who is shady and freeloading isn't a good use of your time or stomach acid.  Good luck and I'm sorry this is stressful.  Hope you can wear a pretty dress in the future for a man who deserves it.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, sweetlady said:

My partner is a good father and he is younger than me. He doesn't work which I don't mind confirming due to waiting on a visa. 

Are you supporting the family financially? Have you gone back to work? Is your partner in the role of stay at home dad?

[Sindy_0311]

18 hours ago, sweetlady said:

I do feel we had good times together but it was all for him to get a visa

Of course it was for the visa... I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Did he ever asked to marry you? This is the easy way for a guy to get a visa in Europe. Don’t know it is in your country… 

I just went the whole thread and for me, this is 100% a guy tacking advantage of you. I can’t find any proof of love from his part. Sorry… 

You’d better ask him to go away without any “serious discussion”. Only discussion you should have with him now is about the baby… 

 

[sweetlady]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you supporting the family financially? Have you gone back to work? Is your partner in the role of stay at home dad?

At the moment I am on maternity leave. So both of us at home with our baby. I was considering to go back earlier but think it's best I wait.. whatever happens with him like maybe he get sorted not sure I can go back unless they let me do weekends.

But saying that I planned to go back and leave my job go in a different sector.

[sweetlady]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Of course it was for the visa... I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Did he ever asked to marry you? This is the easy way for a guy to get a visa in Europe. Don’t know it is in your country… 

I just went the whole thread and for me, this is 100% a guy tacking advantage of you. I can’t find any proof of love from his part. Sorry… 

You’d better ask him to go away without any “serious discussion”. Only discussion you should have with him now is about the baby… 

 

The love part I know is one sided. But my situation changes and it's more confusing.

I already knew it was the beginning of the end for me and him and I prepared myself very early on.

Having a baby I didn't actually think would happening but it did. I had my own selfish reason for getting pregnant certainly not to strengthen our relationships I knew that already nothing will change.

The thing is now a new twist in this situation come up today. So like just great which has got him on edge. 

Whatever happens I'm alive just feel sorry for my kids.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, sweetlady said:

Having a baby I didn't actually think would happening but it did. I had my own selfish reason for getting pregnant certainly not to strengthen our relationships I knew that already nothing will change.

The thing is now a new twist in this situation come up today. So like just great which has got him on edge. 

Whatever happens I'm alive just feel sorry for my kids.

So now it's time to shift from selfish reasons for getting pregnant to acting in the best interests of your child. I wrote above my suggestions.  

[Sindy_0311]

8 hours ago, sweetlady said:

The love part I know is one sided. But my situation changes and it's more confusing.

I already knew it was the beginning of the end for me and him and I prepared myself very early on.

Having a baby I didn't actually think would happening but it did. I had my own selfish reason for getting pregnant certainly not to strengthen our relationships I knew that already nothing will change.

The thing is now a new twist in this situation come up today. So like just great which has got him on edge. 

Whatever happens I'm alive just feel sorry for my kids.

May I ask what nationality is your partner?