Mediator please

[idkwtf3089]

Ok, she replied through text to a tik tok i sent her last night. I read the message preview and cleared it as she was laying right next to me. Therefore no "read" receipt. This is what I get the next day. full transcript not edited. ()= note by me (background we've in a hellish relationship for 6 years and have a 5 year old son together)

 

Her: Love how you don't even open my messages...

Me: I read the preview and cleared the notification and you were sitting right next to me and there was no need to reply

Me: I love how you attack me for no ***ing reason

Her: I'm lonely :shrug: and cheating is bad

Her: and it happens every day

Her: So who are you talking to?

Me: Oh I cleared a notification so that means I'm cheating (i've never cheated or talked to other people, she has been caught multiple times)

Me: You're ridiculous

Me: I'm turning chat features off (so she won't get read receipts anymore)

Her: Not what I meant

Her: I'm not allowed to talk to anybody else but you never replied to me (she has a history of talking to other guys)

Her: reply

Me: You were sitting right next to me

Me: I'm not ***ing texting you when you're sitting right next to me

Me: and I'm not ***ing replying the next day

Me: and I'm not ***ing arguing about this

Her: What about all the other times

Her: I'm saying it because it happens daily

Her: Not just last nights message

Me: it's the same reason every time

Her: Lol

Me: Why would I text you when you are right there

Her: When I'm at work. Jesus never mind. You are acting dense

Me: I don't ignore you when you're at work (I don't know where she's coming up with this ***)

Me: Wooo thanks another day ruined for no reason at all

Me: You're such a peach

Her: Lol day ruined? (yeah my day is ruined)

Her: You're a ***ing drama queen

Her: How dare I let you know that im bothered by something how dare I communicate

Her: If I dont tell you what's bothering me you can't fix it

Me: Bothered by nothing* there fixed it for you

Her: K

Her: But tch (I think she called me a ***)

Me: Bothered because I didn't open the message app to read your short text

Me: Wow

Her: It happens on a regular base and I just told you I was Laney (lonely)

Her: I should have known better to say anything to you

Her: You don't care

Her: Leave me alone I don't want to talk to you anymore

Her: Don't worry

Me: "I want to talk to *****, maybe I'll start a fight with him and accuse him of cheating" (I censored my name)

Her: I'm communicating

Her: You ***ing monkey brain

Her: Leave me alone

Her: I'm done

Her: Bye

Her: Wasn't starting a fight I was communicating. Don't ***ing punish me for trying to communicate

Me: The level of disrespect is ***ing unreal

Her: Why the *** can't hou just say I'm sorry I will try to respond better (I literally never not reply unless she's here and it's pointless because she's right there)

Her: I hate you

Her: I can't be with someone like you

Her: Go to hell

Her: There is nothing to respect (i've supported my family for 6 years paying the vast majority of bills, presents, repairs, bought her cars, gifts, tens of thousands of dollars worth of stuff, got her her job, etc but I'm a piece of *** apparently not worthy of respect)

Her: I said one ***ing thing that wasn't even mean or bad and I'm starting a fight!?!? No the way you responded to me started this fight

Her: Now I feel gross and more alone

Her: Don't ***ing touch me ever again

Her: I'm blocking your number. I can't deal with this

 

 

 

Thoughts please

 

[lostandhurt]

How about actually talking in person.  Novel idea I know but it is impossible to resolve any dispute electronically. You need to see the other person and feel their energy.

This being in the same room or house and text arguing is counter productive and frankly childish and stupid. It feels like you both use texting or tik tok to be heard by the other person.

Perhaps listening to each other in person would go a very long way towards either rebuilding this relationship or ending it in an adult and respectful manner for the sake of you child.

Lost 

[Batya33]

This is pretty simple. This interaction is not respectful or civil on either side.  You are a father.  At least to me being a parent means you act in the best interests of your child.  If your relationship is hellish it is your obligation for your son not to be exposed to an environment like that.  I would put aside the nonsense childish hiding behind a screen on both your parts and focus on taking actions that protect your son.  If that means co-parenting while you live in separate places then you do that. And you make sure he is not exposed to this sort of back and forth childish stuff.

[boltnrun]

If you're asking which if you is "right" and which of you is "wrong", the answer is both of you are "wrong".

I grew up in an environment like the one you're describing. It was uncomfortable and upsetting to say the least. I didn't learn how to have a healthy love relationship because all I saw was dysfunction. None of my siblings nor I have had successful marriages because we didn't know how. Multiple divorces between us. 

[idkwtf3089]

15 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

How about actually talking in person.  Novel idea I know but it is impossible to resolve any dispute electronically. You need to see the other person and feel their energy.

 

She's at work, she texted me starting this. I hate texting.

19 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

This being in the same room or house and text arguing is counter productive and frankly childish and stupid. It feels like you both use texting or tik tok to be heard by the other person.

That's not what's happening. I browse tik tok, that's it. I sent her a funny one. She replied when I'm not around my phone. I read the message in bed next to her. I swipe it right to dismiss it, because she's right there. Her reply was "haha yeah that is what you do". It does not require a reply. I don't use texting, I hate texting, and I especially hate texting her, and this is why.

21 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Perhaps listening to each other in person would go a very long way towards either rebuilding this relationship or ending it in an adult and respectful manner for the sake of you child.

Yeah I agree but I can't control when she texts me. Ending it in an adult and respectful manner ain't gonna happen with her. This will be the response and she will try breaking my stuff and storm off with the kid. Trust me I know how it will go down. She tried breaking my $2,000 TV just 2 weeks ago. She's broken my TV in the past. She's broken her ex'es stuff. She went to jail for domestic assault against me when she was pregnant. It ain't gonna be pretty unless I just up and leave with all my stuff when she's not here and block all communication with her.

 

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This is pretty simple. This interaction is not respectful or civil on either side.  You are a father.  At least to me being a parent means you act in the best interests of your child.  If your relationship is hellish it is your obligation for your son not to be exposed to an environment like that.  I would put aside the nonsense childish hiding behind a screen on both your parts and focus on taking actions that protect your son.  If that means co-parenting while you live in separate places then you do that. And you make sure he is not exposed to this sort of back and forth childish stuff.

I am not hiding behind a screen. I don't want to argue with her and especially not through text. I didn't ask for this.

[idkwtf3089]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you're asking which if you is "right" and which of you is "wrong", the answer is both of you are "wrong".

I grew up in an environment like the one you're describing. It was uncomfortable and upsetting to say the least. I didn't learn how to have a healthy love relationship because all I saw was dysfunction. None of my siblings nor I have had successful marriages because we didn't know how. Multiple divorces between us. 

You can't sit there and tell me I'm wrong when I've done nothing except react poorly. I did not start this. I am not the instigator and I am going to defend myself against wrongful accusations.

I grew up with a psychotic, schizophrenic, manic depressive mother and I know the situation all too well. My parents were married over 25 years before they each died 6 years apart. I don't know how I got myself into this but she does the same things my mother did to my father. And my poor father was innocent. He put up with so much to keep us together. And now I'm in the same situation.

[Batya33]

It takes two. No need to respond to a text that is non-emergency and if it is an emergency you respond to the emergency only. If you react by typing back other than "I received your text.  I am not going to respond" then it doesn't matter "who started it".

[itsallgrand]

Domestic assault?

Have you spoken to someone to help you get out of this abusive relationship? If she went to jail for assault, can you go to court to get full custody?

 

[lostandhurt]

It would seem she has anger control issues which will make it difficult or impossible to resolve anything.

  What do you want?  Do you want to try and save the relationship or do you want to figure out the best and most peaceful way to leave?

 In the end it doesn't matter who is right or who wins another stupid argument right? What matters is that this relationship is toxic, broken on several levels and being together as it stands is not good for you and most importantly not for your child.  Stop focusing on these trivial things and figure out what NEEDS to happen. It sounds like you need to get out just to save yourself.  Are you willing and able to leave?

 Lost

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, idkwtf3089 said:

 She went to jail for domestic assault against me when she was pregnant. 

You would be better off separate and trying to coparent. There's no point destroying your child's quality of life in chronic and violent domestic disputes. 

Unfortunately this is far beyond taking, texting, tiktok, whatever.

Is it her place, your place or do you co-own or co-lease? Whatever the case, move out or give her notice.

This is no life for your child. Its not about who started it, it's way beyond that point. 

[idkwtf3089]

3 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Domestic assault?

Have you spoken to someone to help you get out of this abusive relationship? If she went to jail for assault, can you go to court to get full custody?

 

She had it expunged from her record. So as far as the law is concerned, it never happened, and the way custody laws favor women, me getting full custody would never happen. I'd end up with half custody and paying child support. I've already lived that nightmare once. I lived with my parents until I was 30 years old because of it. I no longer have my parents to lean on.

2 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

It would seem she has anger control issues which will make it difficult or impossible to resolve anything.

  What do you want?  Do you want to try and save the relationship or do you want to figure out the best and most peaceful way to leave?

 In the end it doesn't matter who is right or who wins another stupid argument right? What matters is that this relationship is toxic, broken on several levels and being together as it stands is not good for you and most importantly not for your child.  Stop focusing on these trivial things and figure out what NEEDS to happen. It sounds like you need to get out just to save yourself.  Are you willing and able to leave?

 Lost

I would love nothing more than my son growing up in a healthy, stable and steady household but I think the reality is it's just not going to happen with her.

I am willing to leave. I am able. I want nothing more than to get out but it would mean abandoning my son. I would go to Mexico (and live illegally but apparently 90% of Americans in Mexico already do so and Mexico doesn't really care) because this country's cost of living is out of control and I just can't take the greed anymore. I have $4000 to make it happen. I could get across the border, but then what? I'd be depressed as all hell, broke very soon, and end up working my ass off under the table for Mexican pesos and probably homeless. I mean I'd just be trading one hell for another. It'd be a new start at least, and the weather would help my depression, but the pros and cons seem equal whether I stay or go. And if I leave, my son would be stuck with her and her problems. Do I be selfish and go or do I be selfless and stay? My son is hurting either way.

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You would be better off separate and trying to coparent. There's no point destroying your child's quality of life in chronic and violent domestic disputes. 

Unfortunately this is far beyond taking, texting, tiktok, whatever.

Is it her place, your place or do you co-own or co-lease? Whatever the case, move out or give her notice.

This is no life for your child. Its not about who started it, it's way beyond that point. 

Technically "co-renting" but I have paid 100% of the rent for 100% of the time, she doesn't even have the landlord's phone number. I could give her notice and she would leave to her mom's right away cause that's how she is. But then I'm stuck in a place I'd have to leave anyways because I can't afford the rent and gas, electricity, and water on top of it and support myself with food, insurance, gasoline, and every other cost of living. I'd be one person in a 3 bedroom house I can't afford. I'm in between jobs with $4000 to my name, so moving to another place here is out of the question because they will require proof of income. I either stay here or move to Mexico and hope to find a dirt cheap place to live with cash while I search for an under the table job there. Neither option is worth choosing and I have to choose fast because my $4000 will be depleted by March 1st. Then I'll only have one option and that's to stay.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, idkwtf3089 said:

Technically "co-renting" . I could give her notice and she would leave to her mom's right away 

That's ok. She's on the lease? Then either one of you can move out. But do so as soon as feasible. If she wishes to stay with her mother safely with the child, that would be great for the child. Subjecting the children to chronic chaos and violence will eventually be reported to CPS. Move out or let her go.

[idkwtf3089]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. She's on the lease? Then either one of you can move out. But do so as soon as feasible. If she wishes to stay with her mother safely with the child, that would be great for the child. Subjecting the children to chronic chaos and violence will eventually be reported to CPS. Move out or let her go.

It's a month to month, there is no lease. I pay cash to a private landlord. The problem with her going to her mom's is her mother is an abusive alcoholic.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, idkwtf3089 said:

. The problem with her going to her mom's is her mother is an abusive alcoholic.

Ok then whatever you have to do to stop the war and protect the child.

Eventually school  people and physicians will evaluate the child and all the damage you two are doing. Try to love the child more than you hate her. 

 It doesn't matter where you go or she goes, as long as you separate and coparent.

[boltnrun]

The child has to be the number one priority.

Do whatever is best for the child, not what is most convenient or easiest for you or his mother.

Legal Aid can give you some resources to use if you are unable to afford an attorney, employment and housing assistance and a social worker. 

[lostandhurt]

You are assuming a lot here.  Running off to Mexico is not a solution so forget about that.

 Have you spoken to anyone from your Counties assistance programs?  Just because you are a man doesn't mean there are not resources out there to help you.

 Before you think you have to live in hell for another 13 years how about you reach out and ask for help and see if you can go speak to someone.

  50/50 custody is the norm and it is way better than zero so just accept that fact right now and focus on getting out of this mess.

Being out of work right now might play in your favor.  Family court will look at your income potential which right now is zero and it will give you time to get some help.  The thing is you have to do way more than just want out and complain about your situation, you have to do the hard stuff to make your life and your child's life better, even if it is only slightly better.

I assume you live in the states, have you spoken to anyone from social services or family court?

Do you have family nearby? 

For right now at the very least you need to see if you are eligible for some sort of counseling for your own sanity while you navigate this mess. Many times doctors and therapists/counselors can and will help refer you to more specialized help but you have to reach out.

 Lost

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, idkwtf3089 said:

. I have $4000 to make it happen. I could get across the border, but then what? 

If you go to social services you can get housing assistance, career training/ employment assistance as well as medical and mental healthcare. You can also get housing assistance and food stamps. And assistance with addiction or whatever other problems are driving the chronic poverty and violence.

Does your child's mother work? If so and you are month-to-month (no lease), she can ask you to leave at any time, which may work out for the best since your south of the order plan is poorly thought out, unless you're hoping to be a fugitive from child support? But since you have no income there's nothing to garnish. With respect, the child may be better with the mother as a single mother.

[idkwtf3089]

Some of you are assuming a lot also. There is no addiction problems unless you count cigarettes. There are no drugs and neither of us drink. We aren't living in poverty, I have 0 debt, all my bills are paid, and I can go find a job whenever I want. I've just started putting in applications and was actually supposed to have an interview today, but the manager got sick. The house is filled with expensive electronics and the kid is spoiled. I've been living off my savings since May. My lifestyle nor the kid's have changed. I quit my job because they passed me up for a promotion and new management created a toxic environment, and other reasons but that's a different story. I've been taking a much needed break from the work world. That is all. 100% my own decision to not work. I don't qualify for food stamps because of my savings. My son is home now so I don't have much time to reply individually but thanks for the suggestions. 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Then there's no need to run off to Mexico. You can afford to live if you've got a home filled with expensive electronics. 

Please do what is best for your child, which is to get him out of a toxic home that will affect him for the rest of his life (take it from someone who's been through it). Stop focusing on petty tiffs and trying to place blame for silly tik tok and texting disputes. Focus on your child, full stop.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Please do what is best for your child, which is to get him out of a toxic home that will affect him for the rest of his life (take it from someone who's been through it). Stop focusing on petty tiffs and trying to place blame for silly tik tok and texting disputes. Focus on your child, full stop.

I second this. If the co-parent of my child were to raise hurt feelings because of whatever I did with a text, why would I fight about that like a 4 year old? Why not just say, "I'm sorry. I'm not ignoring you, and I won't do that again..."?

OP, I don't understand why you'd post such an argument since it's not even the point. Either of you could have dropped it at any time, but you both kept it spinning, and for what purpose? (I never made it to the end, it was too ridiculous.)

Nobody is 'right' in this. Regardless of who decides to live where, I'd discuss family counseling so you can both learn how best to co-parent this child and get along like adults while doing it. 

[JoyfulCompany]

You claim you've done nothing wrong except reacting poorly - well, that's mostly what's going on on both sides in the posted conversation.

Also:
She jumps from a lack of "read" receipt in a messenger to cheating accusations - as much as this is considered "drama", to me it says there's some underlying anxiety. 
You jump from claiming being financially well off to a homeless life in Mexico fantasy - again, I see anxiety behind the drama.
You both use foul language (please, notice it's mostly you in the conversation above). I think it's hurtful and it unnecessarily escalates things.

So, your topic comes across as you seeking to be right at all cost. As if that will fix things - she'll read the replies, get the point, stop stirring up drama. Or you'll feel so validated that next time you'll shut her down immediately.
But that kind of thinking will lead nowhere. You both seem to have some heavy background, some issues you haven't worked on and now it's like you're talking through a wall - lots of misunderstandings, nobody actually listening to the other (she's mentioned being lonely twice, you never addressed it - so, yes, she tried to communicate even though her execution was poor).

Of course I can't comment on the extent of toxicity based on one transcript.
So, my suggestion will repeat some of the above.
1. Decide what you want - separation or working on yourselves and the relationship.
2. Get back in the "work world", so that you have ground and money for legal, couple or individual counselling - whichever is according to your desire in point 1.
3. Since you're the one asking - in the meantime try to not engage in conflicts. Accept she tends to overreact and try to keep your cool. No need to fall into defensive mode. Maybe try telling her a kind word or validate her feelings instead, see how it will work (don't mock her, I mean a true kind word).
As an example in the posted conversation, instead of "you were sitting right next to me and there was no need to reply" try saying something like "it wasn't my intention to ignore you, babe, sorry if I left that impression". See if she'll have a different response.

Sometimes it's not about who's right and who's wrong but who'll refuse engaging in a war. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, idkwtf3089 said:

Her: When I'm at work. 

 

So she is supporting you, her child and herself at this time and for the last 6 months? A house full of electronics is not an indication of anything. Perhaps you could start selling some clutter to get cash to move out? 

It's interesting you refer to your child as "the kid" and that he's spoiled.  Are you a stay-at-home dad at this point?

This level of contempt could best be resolved by you two going your own ways.  You called it 6 years of hell, but it's not too late to walk away and focus on coparenting.

[lostandhurt]

So are you willing to look into ending the relationship?

You only have two choices here.  Learn to live like this until your son is 18 or start planning your escape.

Paying child support is not the end of the world since it sounds like you can afford it anyways.

As far as money goes right now what would you pay each month for a peaceful and drama free life?  Consider child support that payment.

Personally I think men in these situations value material stuff and money over quality of life far to often.  So she takes half your stuff and you pay her child support.  In my book that is a cheap ticket out of hell.

 Lost

[smackie9]

The verbal abuse between you two is something else. I don't see love, respect, or compassion. You two should consider ending your relationship, and co-parent. Having two parents being happy while separated is a healthier environment raising a child. 

[WalterSobcha]

If you actually want to fix this relationship (which seems beyond repair IMO, but you never know) you both really need to lay off the swearing and aggressivity. I think both of you were wrong if the intention was to have a constructive conversation.

NB: I'm commenting solely based on the chat you posted. I cannot comment on who is at fault with the relationship in general.