Advice please

[Laura45]

I've been with my partner for 5 years this year has been a bad year we have argued so much and gone days with out speaking, i having issues communicating with him as he just leaves things for days and doesn't speak to me then when he does he goes on like nothings happened and then twists things on me and the issue isn't really solved he doesnt apoligise and its like a circle. we still care about each other and I'm in a very tough place now trying to work out if I want the relationship to continue its been draining and I'm very unhappy and now christmas is here where  we usually spend it together I feel I should just spend it with my boys without him this year  but then I feel bad if he's on his own but at the same time my sons don't like him because of the way he has treated me and they dont want to see him so I'm really stuck right now on what to do how to make everyone happy and get through it. I feel so anxious all the time. 

[DarkCh0c0]

27 minutes ago, Laura45 said:

i having issues communicating with him as he just leaves things for days and doesn't speak to me then when he does he goes on like nothings happened and then twists things on me and the issue isn't really solved he doesnt apoligise and its like a circle

So, he stonewalls you. He's manipulative. He doesn't treat you right. And, you're unhappy, rightfully so.

The only way to break this toxic cycle is to walk away from this relationship. Break up and spend a peaceful end of year with your kids. I'm sure you and your kids will appreciate this.

Once you leave him, don't succumb to any manipulative tactic including fake words, promises, guilt trips, tears or threats. Just remove the band-aid and go no contact. Enough is enough. I'm sorry it's such a tough time, but only you can put an end to it.

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Laura45 said:

 I'm in a very tough place now trying to work out if I want the relationship to continue its been draining and I'm very unhappy 

Do you live in his house? Are you financially dependant on him? 

Your sons despise him because he's abusive. 

Unfortunately it's not about Christmas. It's about  year round systemic abuse.

Is this the same man?:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/452369-advice-please/#comment-5728858

 

[Batya33]

This isn't a "communication issue" meaning how you two interact together -how you talk to each other. He ignores you to manipulate you. Ignoring is not about "communication" -that would be if you two had to learn how to "fight fair" -you know-interact productively and appropriately to resolve an issue or if someone continuously walked away instead of talking -not silent treatment. 

Silent treatment is about him -it's his tool to manipulate you.  And on your end the problem is not communication but that you're being a doormat.  Which is also unhealthy for your kids to see/experience/absorb.  

How is it that he shows he cares about you?  Sounds like a throwaway line -like in the past you cared about each other or you care as in he puts gas in your car without you asking once in awhile.  But really -how can it be true that he shows he cares about you (not just saying the words) if this is happening?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Laura45 said:

my sons don't like him because of the way he has treated me and they dont want to see him

Listen to your sons. Put them first and spend Christmas with them, without this louse. Don't make their Christmas a miserable on by insisting on having this man around them. 

This relationship needs to be over completely. 

[Lambert]

5 hours ago, Laura45 said:

I've been with my partner for 5 years this year has been a bad year we have argued so much and gone days with out speaking, i having issues communicating with him as he just leaves things for days and doesn't speak to me then when he does he goes on like nothings happened and then twists things on me and the issue isn't really solved he doesnt apoligise and its like a circle. we still care about each other and I'm in a very tough place now trying to work out if I want the relationship to continue its been draining and I'm very unhappy and now christmas is here where  we usually spend it together I feel I should just spend it with my boys without him this year  but then I feel bad if he's on his own but at the same time my sons don't like him because of the way he has treated me and they dont want to see him so I'm really stuck right now on what to do how to make everyone happy and get through it. I feel so anxious all the time. 

I had a similar relationship.

I realized it was not what I wanted but there were feelings... I tried to talk to him about it.  Give him a chance.  He only made excuses.  No attempts to fix anything.  So I ended it.  

It was hard.  In your shoes, I would spend Xmas with your boys.  Try to enjoy the day.  

[smackie9]

This shouldn't be a hard decision to make. Your boys come first and they want a peaceful Christmas without him.

If this man really cared about you, he wouldn't be stonewalling you, gas-lighting you, manipulating you, placing blame on you, making you sad....that's abusive behaviour. I myself too had been in an abusive relationship. You need to get the f out now. There is no fixing this because it takes two to really want it.

Listen to your boys...they know you deserve better.

[catfeeder]

On 12/18/2022 at 5:21 AM, Laura45 said:

...my sons don't like him because of the way he has treated me and they dont want to see him...

So why ruin your sons' Christmas with you?

You're speaking of a grown man who's fully capable of taking care of himself. He doesn't need you to cater to him and harm your relationships with your children.

Ditch the dude, you'll thank yourself sooner rather than later.