Making friends is hard work

[serialmonogamist]

At 43 years of age I find myself doing some serious work on me and my life. I have just let another "potential friendship" ONLY go. It was amicable and I feel we were both honest with each other. I gave some feedback that it wasn't so much about me expecting more of her than she was able to give, it was more about me also having my needs met and ensuring that I have what I need from potential friendships as well. Give and receive. It is a two way street. 

It has taken me a very long time to understand that I definitely had a propensity in my life to give a lot of me, my time, my support, my love and care and got back very little in return. I had to ask myself why I thought this was acceptable. There were many answers I needed to hear. There are expectations of people and then there are needs. I had to learn in myself that having needs was OK because I did not know that it was OK to have needs. This has been very challenging for me. 

This is the third potential friendship I have let go in the last four months. The one prior to this was with a person who couldn't manage to not monopolise every single conversation, write extremely long texts on three or four different topics at once, and I mean very long it could have been a handwritten letter, then onto the next thing without even giving me chance to respond. I did not just cut her off without a word, I did address the issue with this person but I could see that the issues behind it were much deeper than I was adequately able to cope with long term. 

In my past, I have made too many unacceptable things acceptable. 

These are huge and significant changes I am making for me. It does feel very uncomfortable because the old me would not do these things that I am doing now. The new things I am doing almost feel wrong and I deal with feeling like a bad person for cutting things out that aren't working for me. I believe in healthy compromising, being understanding when a friend has a lot going on and just not a lot of spare time and remaining supportive, yet I do have my needs as well. As I said it is a two way street. I often doubt if I am making the right choices for me in my life. 

Healing and changing my life is hard work when I have no one and I mean no one beside me whether it be a friendship or relationship. I have no family to speak of so sometimes I do get sad and feel the pain in my heart.  I deserve friendships that are going to put their effort in to a friendship and building it just as much as I would put effort into a friendship and building it. It has taken me a long time to see and feel that I deserve that. 

[poorlittlefish]

I'm a few years old than you (50) and am in much the same situation, in that I have absolutely nobody in my life other than people I correspond with via email.  I found those via a penpals site (Interpals) and I guess it's better than nothing.

People are very, very different and finding a decent friend is just as hard as finding a decent person to have a romantic relationship with.  Most of them are going to be people we don't get on with, for one reason or another - it's very frustrating, but it's just how it is.  At our time of life too, most people have very established friendships and don't tend to want/need more.

Other posters will likely suggest volunteering or MeetUp.  If you are not a groups person, then this won't suit, but otherwise it's worth a try.

[serialmonogamist]

35 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

I'm a few years old than you (50) and am in much the same situation, in that I have absolutely nobody in my life other than people I correspond with via email.  I found those via a penpals site (Interpals) and I guess it's better than nothing.

People are very, very different and finding a decent friend is just as hard as finding a decent person to have a romantic relationship with.  Most of them are going to be people we don't get on with, for one reason or another - it's very frustrating, but it's just how it is.  At our time of life too, most people have very established friendships and don't tend to want/need more.

Other posters will likely suggest volunteering or MeetUp.  If you are not a groups person, then this won't suit, but otherwise it's worth a try.

I really don't like what the world/society has come to. I feel for you that all you have at the moment is is email pen pals. Sometimes I literally cry when I see someone who is completely alone. I feel for them and at the same time feel for me because I know how it feels. 

I live by the saying that I'm not going to like everyone and everyone is not going to like me. I sit here wondering what happened to me. I used to be much different than I am now. Something or many things changed in me. 

I currently have just started volunteering work which I'm excited about. I'm on a Meetup group and was going regularly but coming to the end of the year now they are shutting shop till February next year. I wasn't a member for long enough to make friends. 

I'm.also one of the very rare personality types and I fit it to a T. An INFJ. I took the Myer Briggs personality test and yep the result is me all over. 

I guess when the time is right. I prefer a very small group of friends rather than knowing a lot of people. 2 friends is enough for me. I'll get there at some point. 

I wish you blessings at one of the hardest times of year. 

[Tinydance]

16 minutes ago, serialmonogamist said:

I really don't like what the world/society has come to. I feel for you that all you have at the moment is is email pen pals. Sometimes I literally cry when I see someone who is completely alone. I feel for them and at the same time feel for me because I know how it feels. 

I live by the saying that I'm not going to like everyone and everyone is not going to like me. I sit here wondering what happened to me. I used to be much different than I am now. Something or many things changed in me. 

I currently have just started volunteering work which I'm excited about. I'm on a Meetup group and was going regularly but coming to the end of the year now they are shutting shop till February next year. I wasn't a member for long enough to make friends. 

I'm.also one of the very rare personality types and I fit it to a T. An INFJ. I took the Myer Briggs personality test and yep the result is me all over. 

I guess when the time is right. I prefer a very small group of friends rather than knowing a lot of people. 2 friends is enough for me. I'll get there at some point. 

I wish you blessings at one of the hardest times of year. 

Well I think you're right in saying if you don't really like someone or they're not a good friend, why be friends with them. There are actually people who still keep people around they don't really click with just to have someone to talk to or do things with, like go to the movies. I think the problem with friendships that you know are superficial though is that they don't actually have the capacity to grow. It might be better to put more effort into people that you actually really like. 

It does take a while to make friends at Meetup groups and usually requires you to go there for longer periods of time. So this might be something you need to persevere more with! Volunteering sounds like a great idea! What kind of volunteering will you be doing?

[mylolita]

Hey INFJ!

Annoying high energy extroverted introverted ENFP here to come rabbit on and reply!

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I could almost have wrote your very same post. Can I ask, have you had serious and long term friendships in the past?

I wish I could help Serial, I really do. I don't know whether I have an answer, even for myself. You have to get out there and play the numbers game, exactly as it seems like you are doing. You have to almost be open to everyone and let them in, to some extent, to even be able to make a call on whether you truly like and connect with them. And it is, very much, like dating - minus the romance and sexuality. 

I'm 32 for background, married 15 years with 3 children under 4 years old. My husband is my best friend, so for that, I feel eternally grateful. My problem lies with making extra friends - especially women! It's a bit of a curse.

I have no problem at all making friends. None at all. I get into about, 6 months to a year deep into the relationship with them. I'll even meet their own parents (wow, does this sound like dating!) they'll be over at mine, we'll go out to eat, have coffee, I'll invite them to dinner parties or over on an evening for drinks. This creeping realisation always happens, I feel, on my part, where I just start thinking - our principles don't match up. All this can be is surface talk. And we'll have deep conversations and the rest but, it soon becomes clear, along the line, we're going to clash, principally. And I've had instances a year down the line or so where we do, and we argue and "split up". Or, go our separate ways, like your friend and yourself did. It's horrible because I'll be so optimistic and think wow, this person is fab, this person is interesting, this person seems lovely, and then the more we talk and get into it over the months, oh no. That feeling of being incompatible rises up to dampen the dreams!

Also like yourself, I have had at least a year of stopping my search. I just wanted a break. We moved around a lot looking to buy a house after ours sold and, we were a bit nomadic for a good 8 months at least. I was a bit fed up of the disappointment and decided to take a break.

I'm gearing up to get "back on the market" - LOL! Mixed emotions about that. I think like yourself, I'll try some new groups and activities in our new area.

The thing seems to be, and kudos to you for doing this, catching the "this just isn't gonna work" feeling quick, having a sensible mature way of acknowledging that and giving the other person respect and almost a thank you for their time but, then being able to move on and hopefully find someone you really click with.

The area I'm in is full of middle class women who don't share many of my values. I have often joked to myself, being quite traditional and what some might call "old fashioned" that, I would fit in well in a church group. The irritating thing is, I'm not religious. I wish I was sometimes, but I can't fake it. But I love the idea of that type of close knit community, bonded by one shared belief, and brought together every Sunday to share it and socialise and support each other in a welcoming way. I often regret there is no secular alternative to this.

Never tried an online app equivalent for finding friendship because, truth be told, I would feel personally far too desperate doing that, when I know there are potentially so many great people I've never met locally. And, I'm not too much of a fan of the app, online dating, online group, online friendship thing. It's easy and highly addictive and feels safe, but it is no substitute for real life, in my opinion.

You have my best wishes, I hope you find that person.

x

[serialmonogamist]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I think you're right in saying if you don't really like someone or they're not a good friend, why be friends with them. There are actually people who still keep people around they don't really click with just to have someone to talk to or do things with, like go to the movies. I think the problem with friendships that you know are superficial though is that they don't actually have the capacity to grow. It might be better to put more effort into people that you actually really like. 

It does take a while to make friends at Meetup groups and usually requires you to go there for longer periods of time. So this might be something you need to persevere more with! Volunteering sounds like a great idea! What kind of volunteering will you be doing?

I used to be that person that kept people around even when I should not have just so I could not feel lonely and have someone to do things with. Then I grew up, matured and did a lot and I mean a lot of looking at myself quite deeply. I am no longer that person. 

In saying that I take each situation case by case because everyone is so very different and indeed are individuals. Absolutely it would totally be an unrealistic expectation for me to have had an opportunity to make any friends at this meetup considering the time I have been going for. As I said, they are breaking now because of the Christmas/Newyear period so I will see what happens in 2023! 

I am the Assistant Producer for a radio station. I will be working on two separate broadcasts with the producers of those segments! This is so me and so right for me. I am very excited about my new role. Thank you for asking. 🙂

[serialmonogamist]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Hey INFJ!

Annoying high energy extroverted introverted ENFP here to come rabbit on and reply!

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I could almost have wrote your very same post. Can I ask, have you had serious and long term friendships in the past?

I wish I could help Serial, I really do. I don't know whether I have an answer, even for myself. You have to get out there and play the numbers game, exactly as it seems like you are doing. You have to almost be open to everyone and let them in, to some extent, to even be able to make a call on whether you truly like and connect with them. And it is, very much, like dating - minus the romance and sexuality. 

I'm 32 for background, married 15 years with 3 children under 4 years old. My husband is my best friend, so for that, I feel eternally grateful. My problem lies with making extra friends - especially women! It's a bit of a curse.

I have no problem at all making friends. None at all. I get into about, 6 months to a year deep into the relationship with them. I'll even meet their own parents (wow, does this sound like dating!) they'll be over at mine, we'll go out to eat, have coffee, I'll invite them to dinner parties or over on an evening for drinks. This creeping realisation always happens, I feel, on my part, where I just start thinking - our principles don't match up. All this can be is surface talk. And we'll have deep conversations and the rest but, it soon becomes clear, along the line, we're going to clash, principally. And I've had instances a year down the line or so where we do, and we argue and "split up". Or, go our separate ways, like your friend and yourself did. It's horrible because I'll be so optimistic and think wow, this person is fab, this person is interesting, this person seems lovely, and then the more we talk and get into it over the months, oh no. That feeling of being incompatible rises up to dampen the dreams!

Also like yourself, I have had at least a year of stopping my search. I just wanted a break. We moved around a lot looking to buy a house after ours sold and, we were a bit nomadic for a good 8 months at least. I was a bit fed up of the disappointment and decided to take a break.

I'm gearing up to get "back on the market" - LOL! Mixed emotions about that. I think like yourself, I'll try some new groups and activities in our new area.

The thing seems to be, and kudos to you for doing this, catching the "this just isn't gonna work" feeling quick, having a sensible mature way of acknowledging that and giving the other person respect and almost a thank you for their time but, then being able to move on and hopefully find someone you really click with.

The area I'm in is full of middle class women who don't share many of my values. I have often joked to myself, being quite traditional and what some might call "old fashioned" that, I would fit in well in a church group. The irritating thing is, I'm not religious. I wish I was sometimes, but I can't fake it. But I love the idea of that type of close knit community, bonded by one shared belief, and brought together every Sunday to share it and socialise and support each other in a welcoming way. I often regret there is no secular alternative to this.

Never tried an online app equivalent for finding friendship because, truth be told, I would feel personally far too desperate doing that, when I know there are potentially so many great people I've never met locally. And, I'm not too much of a fan of the app, online dating, online group, online friendship thing. It's easy and highly addictive and feels safe, but it is no substitute for real life, in my opinion.

You have my best wishes, I hope you find that person.

x

Hi enfp!

I don't mind you rabbiting on/responding in length. I probably wont address every point you made but know it was heard. I have had some serious/long term friendships in the past yes. I truly am not open to everyone and just anyone. Part of my life is my spiritual side and I am sensitive to energy. I can pick up on things before they even happen and am usually a good judge of character intuitively. I usually base my decisions on intuition and feelings I get. My intuition is never wrong, no ones is actually. Just got to learn to listen and make decisions based on that which is what I do now. When my intuition does not scream no way at me, then I open a little more if I find someone interesting and see how it goes. I think too that it is important to me that I put people in the place they belong in my life. For eg. A work colleague is just that. A work colleague. A shop assistant I speak to every second day is just that, a shop assistant I speak to regularly. Acquaintances, colleagues and potential friends. For me it just makes my life easier. 

I can see with some of your background it would be challenging for you in your own ways. Married life, three kids under four which can keep you very busy. You have family commitments. In saying that as long as you are able to have time for friendships and priorities friends to a reasonable degree then it should not really be an issue. 

Extroverts tend to make friends a lot easier than introverted people do from my observations in life. There are vast differences between extroverts and introverts.

It seems to be a pity that such a concerted effort of 6 months or moving onto a year ends over different principals. Maybe that is something really important to you and perhaps you could find out if a person you think is lovely, interesting, fun and whatever else is going to align with principals? Just a suggestion.

As for me and this potential new friend, we had a fair bit in common and we could have probably ended up with a nice friendship. The issues were that she just did not have a lot of spare time according to her and did not want distractions in her life because she was dealing with some really heavy stuff. I was getting many mixed messages making it very confusing for where I stood. It was honest and open communication between two people and in the end we decided to part ways. It was done amicably. At the end of the day I wanted something more stable and secure to build on and she could not provide that at this time so we move on. I feel it is a win/win. 

I think it took me a lot of deep introspection over my life to be able to have handled it the way I have. I truly have not always been this sensible/mature nor have I always been able to see "this is not going to work". I feel it has come about because for once and the first time in my life I am truly honoring me and my needs. It feels really strange but really good at the same time. 

I think with how you are feeling, to be honest I feel that the whole world wants more of a community life and just does not know how to achieve it. Unity in community is something I came up with yesterday. I feel that parts of this world need to evolve more and really listen to parts of the world and cultures that have achieved this very successfully. People are truly making this much harder than it needs to be. 

I wish you all the very best in finding your people. 🙂

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

I really don't like what the world/society has come to

I'm sorry you're struggling .  I can relate to an extent (I am 56- moved away from my hometown/city when I was 43 because of marriage and motherhood and, no, I don't focus on "mom friends" -I don't relate to that focus because I've met just as many men and non-moms who are really supportive including about my motherhood stuff). But what you wrote above is self-sabotaging.  People who are negative in past decades blamed it on the world and society too - don't let yourself do that.  People are individuals.  

I've had a hard time maintaining my longstanding friendships for decades because of geography -I moved and others did too - and making new friends has been a challenge too.  I'm glad you are not giving yourself a pass for being "too nice" -it's hard but boundaries are essential.  I've been putting myself out there a whole lot more since August when my son started at a new school and you know the covid stuff is less severe.  Socializing again is hard sometimes and I'm an extrovert!!  But I force myself and I'm almost always glad when I do.  I try to limit excuses "this is when I usually go shopping/clean the house" or "it's raining and she wanted to meet for a walk, maybe she'll cancel so I don't have to wait around" 

Please don't go there with the negative views about "society" because it infects you and people sense the negative energy.  

Good luck and I know it's hard.  I'm in the salt mines with you.

[mylolita]

22 minutes ago, serialmonogamist said:

Hi enfp!

I don't mind you rabbiting on/responding in length. I probably wont address every point you made but know it was heard. I have had some serious/long term friendships in the past yes. I truly am not open to everyone and just anyone. Part of my life is my spiritual side and I am sensitive to energy. I can pick up on things before they even happen and am usually a good judge of character intuitively. I usually base my decisions on intuition and feelings I get. My intuition is never wrong, no ones is actually. Just got to learn to listen and make decisions based on that which is what I do now. When my intuition does not scream no way at me, then I open a little more if I find someone interesting and see how it goes. I think too that it is important to me that I put people in the place they belong in my life. For eg. A work colleague is just that. A work colleague. A shop assistant I speak to every second day is just that, a shop assistant I speak to regularly. Acquaintances, colleagues and potential friends. For me it just makes my life easier. 

I can see with some of your background it would be challenging for you in your own ways. Married life, three kids under four which can keep you very busy. You have family commitments. In saying that as long as you are able to have time for friendships and priorities friends to a reasonable degree then it should not really be an issue. 

Extroverts tend to make friends a lot easier than introverted people do from my observations in life. There are vast differences between extroverts and introverts.

It seems to be a pity that such a concerted effort of 6 months or moving onto a year ends over different principals. Maybe that is something really important to you and perhaps you could find out if a person you think is lovely, interesting, fun and whatever else is going to align with principals? Just a suggestion.

As for me and this potential new friend, we had a fair bit in common and we could have probably ended up with a nice friendship. The issues were that she just did not have a lot of spare time according to her and did not want distractions in her life because she was dealing with some really heavy stuff. I was getting many mixed messages making it very confusing for where I stood. It was honest and open communication between two people and in the end we decided to part ways. It was done amicably. At the end of the day I wanted something more stable and secure to build on and she could not provide that at this time so we move on. I feel it is a win/win. 

I think it took me a lot of deep introspection over my life to be able to have handled it the way I have. I truly have not always been this sensible/mature nor have I always been able to see "this is not going to work". I feel it has come about because for once and the first time in my life I am truly honoring me and my needs. It feels really strange but really good at the same time. 

I think with how you are feeling, to be honest I feel that the whole world wants more of a community life and just does not know how to achieve it. Unity in community is something I came up with yesterday. I feel that parts of this world need to evolve more and really listen to parts of the world and cultures that have achieved this very successfully. People are truly making this much harder than it needs to be. 

I wish you all the very best in finding your people. 🙂

SERIAL! Yo yo yo Introvert! (But nothing at all wrong with that!)

 

I couldn’t agree more! I really couldn’t! One of the main points of moving somewhere more slow paced, slightly rural, coastal and gentle was just that - tight community, and most people seem to know most people here, which means introductions are fast, because you know two people, and really soon, you know 10!

 

But, I have to thank you for the advice. I could honestly have wrote most of your post myself and did, at one point I remember! 
 

The whole 6 month or long time thing - intuition wise, I’m totally with you. I feel like I know instantly too. But I’m trying to not be judgemental and presume things in people I meet on first impressions alone (a natural strong instinct of mine) and this dragging it along is me trying to be better and give people a chance and be open and maybe, open to different things. I know some people take longer to open up than others so I think 6 months of knowing someone and spending decent time is more than enough. The year bench mark is me avoiding conflict and not wanting to break it off! Because by then, we’re both really involved and I’m feeling terrible!

 

Let me know how it all goes! Handled very maturely and respectfully and I admire that! 
 

x

[serialmonogamist]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're struggling .  I can relate to an extent (I am 56- moved away from my hometown/city when I was 43 because of marriage and motherhood and, no, I don't focus on "mom friends" -I don't relate to that focus because I've met just as many men and non-moms who are really supportive including about my motherhood stuff). But what you wrote above is self-sabotaging.  People who are negative in past decades blamed it on the world and society too - don't let yourself do that.  People are individuals.  

I've had a hard time maintaining my longstanding friendships for decades because of geography -I moved and others did too - and making new friends has been a challenge too.  I'm glad you are not giving yourself a pass for being "too nice" -it's hard but boundaries are essential.  I've been putting myself out there a whole lot more since August when my son started at a new school and you know the covid stuff is less severe.  Socializing again is hard sometimes and I'm an extrovert!!  But I force myself and I'm almost always glad when I do.  I try to limit excuses "this is when I usually go shopping/clean the house" or "it's raining and she wanted to meet for a walk, maybe she'll cancel so I don't have to wait around" 

Please don't go there with the negative views about "society" because it infects you and people sense the negative energy.  

Good luck and I know it's hard.  I'm in the salt mines with you.

I am not struggling that much. I am actually doing better than I thought. Thank you though. 

Actually I will clarify here and reiterate that it is not a negative view of society nor is it self sabotaging. I work in many different communities for a living. I deal with people from all walks of life, very diverse backgrounds, am extremely observant of the world/society and notice many things other's do not. I have seen the changes in society/the world and it is under these observations/experiences that I made this statement. Just seeing truth and reality for what it is. In other words society/the world would be a much better place with a few changes and people would be able to be friends much easier without silly things getting in the way that is actually very small stuff. 

In saying that, there are good people in society/the world, it is just not easy making friends no matter who anyone is or isn't. 

Take the best and throw out the rest. 

I wish you luck too. 

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

Healing and changing my life is hard work when I have no one and I mean no one beside me whether it be a friendship or relationship. I have no family to speak of so sometimes I do get sad and feel the pain in my heart.  I deserve friendships that are going to put their effort in to a friendship and building it just as much as I would put effort into a friendship and building it. It has taken me a long time to see and feel that I deserve that. 

This to me referred to struggles.  JMHO.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, serialmonogamist said:

I deal with people from all walks of life, very diverse backgrounds, am extremely observant of the world/society and notice many things other's do not. I have seen the changes in society/the world and it is under these observations/experiences that I made this statement. Just seeing truth and reality for what it is. In other words society/the world would be a much better place with a few changes and people would be able to be friends much easier without silly things getting in the way that is actually very small stuff. 

In saying that, there are good people in society/the world, it is just not easy making friends no matter who anyone is or isn't. 

I have the same life experiences as you except for over a decade more.  For me the truth and reality is that considering people as individuals should always take priority over broad generalizations about society and the world as far as letting those generalizations affect how one approaches individuals for friendship.  I think there have always been societal challenges that are "silly stuff" as you aptly put it (or more serious stuff).  I have experienced those issues for the last 50 years or so.  Unfortunately things like sexism, racism, and the like, as well as a focus on differences whether political, gender-based, food-based that people choose to divide them have been around forever and can especially if you have a certain mindset, affect making friends or be used as an excuse to avoid connection with potential friends.

[Cherylyn]

I can only speak for myself.  I've had a long time to think about friends.  Many times, you have to think of friends as very good acquaintances with mutual, very respectful boundaries.  In other words, lower your expectations and you'll be much more realistic and less disappointed. 

What I cherish most is emotional intelligence (empathy) in friends.  (Same with relatives and in-laws.)  There needs to be an unspoken code of treating each other with consistent respect and consideration.  If not, I prefer to be alone than lonely with the wrong type of people in my life.  I no longer tolerate nor accept people who don't treat me the way I treat them.  Out they go.  Should our paths cross, I'm polite but we're not close. 

In the past, I was too nice and too generous with my time, labor, energy and resources (money).  Nowadays, I only give of myself what the other person is willing to give to me and the friendship so we are equal and balanced.  I no longer feel shortchanged nor disappointed because both parties are fair. 

My local friends and I socialize in person several times a month because we're very busy people with marriages, families, local extended family members, employment, errands, chores, houses to maintain and the like.   There are only so many hours in a day.  My friends and I are not constantly checking into social media, we do not text, email, message, leave voice mails nor bother each other frequently.  This keeps our friendship fresh and enduring.  We never grow bored with each other.  We never use each other either.  We always use common sense by exercising discretion and having boundaries.

I've also discovered that being too close to friends (or people) is way overrated.  (This is true for extended family members and in-laws a well.)  Being too close, having excessive contact and being overly invested in friendships causes problems.  Strong opinions are inserted, topics can transition to controversy which are ripe for arguments and too much familiarity breeds contempt.  I've encountered this scenario with my cousin which left a bitter taste in my mouth and ultimately caused permanent estrangement.  It's very important to give each other time and space otherwise you'll eventually grow sick and tired of each other.  Also, with too much closeness, politeness won't habitually exist anymore.  Manners become very sloppy to the point of backlash and downright obnoxious rudeness.  It is a quick road to alienation.

Most people in general or friends do not want to be constantly or frequently bothered by other people's problems and woes.  They don't want to be dumped upon.  Everyone needs to take care of themselves, be responsible for their own lives and while moral support is important, it shouldn't be taken advantage of just because a friend is available.  Know limits otherwise friends will drift apart and fade away by avoiding "energy vampires" or they'll admonish you. 

I've also since learned to follow other people's cues.  If they cooperate with socializing, meeting for lunch, shopping together, enjoy outings, taking walks, going out in the evening, visiting events of mutual interests, then we schedule it.  If I know their time, energy and resources are limited, I adapt to keep the friendship afloat.  I'm very busy, too and expect the same common courtesy.  If we see each other at random or less than once a month, I don't hold it against them.  We pick up right where we left off the next time we meet.  Our rhythm ebbs and flows.  No harm no foul.  Our rapport is pleasant and both parties are mature enough to accept that this is how we sustain friendships.  Work with what you've got.  If you demand more than they're willing to give or if others monopolize your time excessively, then both friends are incompatible and will eventually go your separate ways. 

I agree with others.  If you want to get to know people better and become friends, put yourself out there such as MeetUps, sports, community involvement, charities, enroll in classes of interests of any sort, join your local church if you're faith based and immerse yourself into healthy activities.  You'll relate to those who enjoy what you enjoy.  I've met a ton of genuinely very kindhearted friends at my local church. 

[serialmonogamist]

11 hours ago, mylolita said:

SERIAL! Yo yo yo Introvert! (But nothing at all wrong with that!)

 

I couldn’t agree more! I really couldn’t! One of the main points of moving somewhere more slow paced, slightly rural, coastal and gentle was just that - tight community, and most people seem to know most people here, which means introductions are fast, because you know two people, and really soon, you know 10!

 

But, I have to thank you for the advice. I could honestly have wrote most of your post myself and did, at one point I remember! 
 

The whole 6 month or long time thing - intuition wise, I’m totally with you. I feel like I know instantly too. But I’m trying to not be judgemental and presume things in people I meet on first impressions alone (a natural strong instinct of mine) and this dragging it along is me trying to be better and give people a chance and be open and maybe, open to different things. I know some people take longer to open up than others so I think 6 months of knowing someone and spending decent time is more than enough. The year bench mark is me avoiding conflict and not wanting to break it off! Because by then, we’re both really involved and I’m feeling terrible!

 

Let me know how it all goes! Handled very maturely and respectfully and I admire that! 
 

x

You are welcome for whatever advice I gave. I hope your new start in surroundings that feel better for you work out well. I hope that you are able to form some good friendships in time. 

Thank you for your compliments on how I handled this situation. Upon reflection and choosing to walk away, I did the right thing for me I feel. We can get caught up in how nice someone is and tend to just focus on that but choose not to notice the other things that are right in your face as well. This time I chose not to ignore these things or make excuses. I do not need to go into the ins and outs of everything that happened in the short time, all that matters to me on the whole is that I made the right choice for me. That is a huge deal for me because I see my growth in me. 

I will probably just recline for a while and spend time on myself. Take a break. Process and integrate things. 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Work with what you've got.  If you demand more than they're willing to give or if others monopolize your time excessively, then both friends are incompatible and will eventually go your separate ways. 

I like the way you've put this, Cherylyn, because I don't believe there's any real point to burning bridges beyond a need to close a door on one who is dangerous or toxic.

OP, I'm a lady of a certain age, and I've learned two important things: it's natural over the course of time for friendships to diverge from focus and then come back again--possibly multiple times, and, it's natural for people to grow and change over time.

So even the closest of friends may go through periods of divergent focus, and, even the most casual of neighbors or acquaintances who may not synergize well with you at one point of life can surprise you by evolving into a lovely human being who suits you beyond belief during another life stage.

If we can remain curious instead of furious, we don't have any heavy decision-making to do. We can pull away based on our own change in focus, or people can drop away of their own accord.

When we start out in new neighborhoods, it can be comforting to reach out to some old, let's say, 'contacts' for chats and updates even while we do our best to get to know our new neighbors and form new bonds.

I think it's a sign of maturity to respect the limits of others and to cultivate different kinds and degrees of contacts to meet different needs. Everything doesn't need to be a big audition for THE ONE like it can be when seeking a lover. We can relax into surface level stuff, and over time, certain people may resonate into a deeper intimacy, while others might prove good value in more arm's length ways.

Over time, these bonds can shift and change. Those with whom you've enjoyed no more than civility when your paths cross may step up one day to prove a generosity of spirit you couldn't have imagined in earlier days.

Allow for the processes of others to be as sacred as your own, and you will never feel a need to cast your impressions in stone.

EnjOy!

[serialmonogamist]

Thanks to the collective for all the responses. You've been heard. Again learnt a lot from the responses. I'm an INFJ personality type so I usually take the time to process before responding to anything if I'm going to respond. I also study, work and have commitments of my own so I don't always have the time to sit and craft proper responses. I don't really like shooting off ill prepared responses so sometimes I just may not comment or I will comment at a time I am not busy and have had time to think. That's just how I roll 🙂 

Thanks for taking the time in your responses. 

[mylolita]

Serial, 

This is a very interesting topic for me because I find myself at the other end of the spectrum, mixed in with how you feel, creating my own brand of "criteria and searching" that I don't come across much. I see this reflected in how you are approaching your friendships. I just find your take on this really refreshing. I almost selfishly wish you had more time because I would love to hear about your past experiences and what caused your shift and change?

My feelings are, everyone wants something different from their friendships. Some people are happy to have 20 plus people that they circle back and forth on and dip and dive back into throughout the years. Other people are truly content with one extremely close, best friend. Some people want ideally two or three, meet up with them all separately or form a very close knit group. Some people hold family more in friendship roles, like my Mum for example, was always such great friends with her cousin. If I look back, my main friends were actually men, way over half. Once I was married at 24, this dynamic started to change a bit. I still hung around with the guys, our friendship group was mostly men, an a few of their girlfriends, but after a few years that broke off as they stuck at the party lifestyle and I wanted to get off that ride. Became very settled and had my babies close together and that tight college friendship group fell away. There are so many variations. 

For someone who is choosing not to go getting heavily involved at the moment, I have a very packed out social life for someone with three young children and renovating a period house. I host dinner parties, create events for our street (Christmas parties, kids Halloween parties) I co-created a read group with another lady I met only the first or second week I came here. Once to three times a week I host playdates here where I see other Mums who have also become friends. Or, I say friends, but it's in that loose term! Our husbands are introduced and they swing by and on a night we'll go out for a glass of wine or something to eat. That kinda thing. But that deep connection has still not been found.

I guess I could feel very lucky and be grateful and settle for the circles I have found, in all their variations, but I'm just not that kinda person, and I'm driven by passion and I'm pretty intense, not gonna lie (if we're on the Myers Briggs here, this is, an ENFP conundrum! We are absolutely obsessed with authenticity, and creativity, and discussion, and the big WHY WHY WHY for everything, so I'm gonna be hitting everyone with a trillion questions backed up with the energy of a tail wagging puppy dog!) 

I was exactly the same when searching for my husband. I wanted BIG LOVE. Y'know, the all encompassing, obsessive, romantic, wind swept, emotional tsunami, die for you type of love. And I was willing to wait my whole life until I found it. And I got lucky and found it at 18, and I always say, we're still in our honeymoon phase 15 years later. 

I personally don't want to settle in my life for tepid or so so relationships. Deep un-satisfaction and restlessness comes from me getting into that kind of thing. It actually makes me hate myself, because I feel like I'm living a lie. I want to be able to have in-depth discussions, I want someone a little off-beat, because I am, maybe even eccentric, I'm a bit eccentric, really. I want someone extremely open, open minded, and honest and authentic in what they believe and who they are and how they live their life. I like people who have taken different and unusual paths as well. The artist, the writer, the traditionalist, the loner, the big shot, the entrepreneur, the academic, the rogue. I don't like meeting the same procession of very similar people on the surface. It is a complete must - they must think for themselves, and be independent minded, and explorative in their thinking as well.

And I've found, that's the criteria I just can't shake. Why should we pretend we're something else who can chug along with what society says you should be going for or after? 

There is a notion that as you age, you lose all your passion, energy - that childlike wonder, that teenage obsession and brooding - and you have to grow up, and get sensible, and practical, and start looking at everything under this sensible, clinical, practical looking glass. I've tried doing this and it's just so against my natural way, I implode trying to keep up that act! I am still, actually, running on teenage emotion, for better or for worse!

I think maturity, or being wise, is knowing yourself, and embracing who you are, faults and all actually, acknowledging them, and realising, this is who I am, and this is what I need, for me, and it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or how anyone else does it - my internal bench mark is my internal bench mark. And if you stick to your own private and unique principles, you might be alone, you might be criticised, and you might be seen as unconventional, but it doesn't matter, because you are being true to yourself and living life on your own terms.

And from your post OP, you have done friendship, on your own terms. You've figured out what you want and need, learnt to trust your instincts, and made the decision that felt right in your heart. And for that, I really appalled you, and just hope I can keep doing the same, or similar, in my own selection of who I let into my life. Because life is short, and in my opinion, there is no room for "will just do" or mediocre anything!

Oh and PS! Thank you! To be so close to the ocean, is wild. For three days now I can hear the waves roaring from our house. I open the window slightly when I take a bath, and the noise is amplified, like people cheering at a concert but on a continuous loop. It's very hypnotic. I had a lovely neighbour to our right and he said welcome and we talked about our backgrounds and he said, "Here is a very gentle place to live." And I feel like, when people move here, often from London, they are seeking peace, they really are. But there is a wild, untamed element to our area as well. It's very natural, you are a slave to the elements here, and it appeals to that untamed side of me.

All the best on your quest too! Thanks for listening.

x 

[Kwothe28]

You sound like you are searching for a soulmate, not a friendship. And I am sorry to say, that is hard to find, especially later in life. Unlike relationships, that are somebody who you see romantically(and possibly want to spend your life with them), friends are someone who you often hear or see sporadically. Heck, you are not even required to like them that much. For example, friends from work, are somebody who you work together and hang out while on work. You often cant really choose them and are "forced" to spend hours together daily. There are usually 3 levels of friends. Aquitances who are people who you just know, friends as people who you do hang out, and close friends as extremely close people to you. Think some research showed that most people have 2 or 3 very close friends. And those are usually the people who you know from childhood or even school, people who you did go out with in town etc. As you already have a long history together and are bonded. Its extremely rare to find a close friend at later years. So most of your friends would be a situational ones. People who you hang out through work, or people who you would do stuff like maybe through hobby or maybe even your buddies to watch some football game. Or when you have kids, parents of another kid your kid hangs out on playground or school.

I am not saying that to discourage you, just saying that what you want is extremely rare. And that you should lower your expectations regarding friendships. Again, friendships are not a romantic relationships and they require a very long time to develop into close friendships. I had 3 close friends. All met through various times in life and coincidentally through school. One from elementary, one from high school and one from college. Sadly the one from college died last year, so now I have 2. People who I hear almost every day and see. I have lots of others but cant consider them close friends. Again, most of people who you would hang out in life wont be that. That isnt to say that you should accept somebody who would monopolise every conversation while not carying what you have to say at all. I got rid of somebody like that last year when they didnt bother to even congratulate my birthday. Just saying that it does indeed takes time to build close friendships.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

You sound like you are searching for a soulmate, not a friendship.

I wasn't thinking along those lines and as soon as I read this -yes -it clicked as to why I was puzzling over your challenges and disappointments.  I like the rest of what was written too a lot as even a roadmap about friendships.  

Let me share an anecdote about developing a friendship.  In March 2020 my son who was 11 really wanted to go to a bday party on March 15 for his BFF.  We learned of it right before (mom is a busy person and did this last minute).  I made a special call to the mom because the alarm bells were sounding as far as covid.  We had such a lovely convo and she said we'd met some years ago at a school event (I don't remember!).  The convo remained with me -that sense of oh I like this person!

She had to cancel the party but she arranged for our sons and a few other kids to zoom together to chat and/or play video games/do HW for the shut down schools.  That is still happening regularly.  

Over the last 2.5 years she and I text on and off.  I can sense we really click - and have a lot in common that is meaningful -not at all kid-related.  She's also so very busy (as am I, she seems even more so). 

A month ago I suggested we meet just us for coffee (I haven't seen her in person at all -but my husband has).  And you know it was awkward for me to reach out and follow up -I'm an extrovert still "healing" from the social isolation of the pandemic and the awkwardness now? But I did. 

This Friday she wants to take our kids out for pizza. I really don't want to go out at night this Friday (early alarm Sat. AM) plus it's going to be noisy with the kids.  But I decided I will force myself because I have the opportunity to hang with her in person. 

But here's the thing - this would have been a no brainer to me in my 20s/30s as far as convenience, and "effort" but now it is.  And there are no guarantees we'll get to talk much, no guarantees I'll feel any sense of common ground in person - kinda like dating?She may even have to take a work call last minute. But I'm not looking to be soulmates and you gotta be in it to win it. 

Ask yourself -how many  times have you brushed aside or made excuses about opportunities to connect in person where there's a chance of getting to know someone for friendship? You'd be surprised I think of how often there are opportunities or you have to take steps to network, to make something happen, to follow up, and you "forget" or you're too passive about it -I mean also the general you. 

[Cherylyn]

Don't give up on seeking, searching and maintaining friendships.  You will find a lot of duds along the way but it doesn't mean everyone will be a reject for you.  Finding good people in your life requires time, tenacity and perseverance.  Just because you've had negative experiences with the friendship arena, it's not hopeless for you.  There are people out there within your locale who are looking for you yet they haven't found you yet.  It works both ways!  One of these days you will find a compatible friend or friends.  You just have to remain patient and never give up.

I'm different.  My closest, dearest friend is from my childhood.  Fortunately, both of us remained local and didn't move faraway from each other.  My BFF (best friend forever) go way back to when we were only 9 years old.  She was my maid-of-honor and I too was in her bridal party.  To this day, we meet for all day shopping trips, meet at parks, sometimes our husbands accompany us if we all dine out together or have some sort of outing, my BFF and I will meet for lunch and walks afterwards and the like.  If we're pressed for time, sometimes we'll have a telecon (telephone conversation appointment) after dinnertime and we'll catch up then.  We confide in each other, we can relate since our families and in-law situations are similar and since we grew up together, we think and speak alike!  I feel closer to my BFF than my biological sister!  I consider my BFF my real sister. 

My BFF is amazing.  She brought home cooked dinners to my house whenever my life had life changing events such as when I brought my newborn sons home from the hospital, when my FIL (father-in-law) passed away recently and I've done likewise for her whenever her life was in tumult (births, deaths, surgeries, stress, etc).  We're very generous with each other for birthdays, Christmas, give each other generous amounts of money for deaths, when her son had major surgery, etc. 

However, we don't call each other and ask for chauffeur rides to the airport at 2AM.  Save that for the movies.  We're very considerate of each other and never take advantage of our friendship.  We're never an imposition on each other.  We have discretion and boundaries.

I have another very close, local friend whom I've known for many years and we see each other at random throughout the year.  She was my former colleague. We confide in each other.  We dine out, take walks and since her time is limited, I adapt to her schedule.  We're still very close.  She drove an hour and attended my FIL's funeral earlier this year.  My husband and I appreciated her moral support immensely.  We exchange modest gifts for birthdays and Christmas. 

Both of my closest friends are great ladies.

My individual friends do not share mutual social circles with my other friends.  None of us are constantly checking up on each other via social media and we're not the types to be on social media at all.  We'll text occasionally in order to meet in person and that's it.  It's rather refreshing in this day and age. 

My other local friends are in the acquaintance category.  We see each other throughout the year but we're not super close very personal friends as my other close st friends aforementioned.  I have my limits with them and don't confide everything.  They're nice ladies though and I like them very much. 

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Don't give up on seeking, searching and maintaining friendships.  You will find a lot of duds along the way but it doesn't mean everyone will be a reject for you. 

Right, or even that you must 'reject' anyone at all. You just don't need to pursue anything intimate with them. This means there's no need to 'break up' with anyone who doesn't meet your ideals, you just don't need to have lunch again.

One reason I suggested looking up trauma bonding is because some of our drivers for seeking relationships are often unconscious. This doesn't make them 'bad,' it just means that a sense of longing usually carries more urgency than a sense of mild curiosity or a neutrally open mind about meeting people.

So a needle-in-a-haystack approach to, say, finding a lover, can either be relaxed or it can be urgent. I can appreciate some urgency with straight women near the end of their fertility years, but otherwise, most people who are operating with urgency can't exactly pinpoint WHY their pursuit feels so urgent.

So this is a good question to raise while seeking friendships as well. How urgent is my loneliness, and what are some of my drivers for satisfying it?

If there is an urgency toward finding a friend who feels like someone (tongue in cheek) "who completes me," then that might be a good time to consider where early life experiences may contribute to a longing for a MAGIC person--one who gets you like nobody else in the world.

Not saying that can't ever happen. Just raising that when longing is the primary driver, nobody else really satisfies--and that's the loneliest place to be.

I know this because I've lived it. Unnecessarily. I could have bailed myself out of that discomfort so much earlier than I did instead of taking the long road and the hard way.

I can offer one suggestion you might consider: engage with one or more elders.

I was fortunate enough to have a few older people who mentored me in lots of ways. Not just in business, but socially, spiritually and therapeutically. They served as a home base for me even while I sought out other kinds and degrees of friendships among my peers.

Head high, and great discussion you raised here.

 

[mylolita]

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

 

- Jack Kerouac, ‘On The Road’

 

Find the type of people who deserve your time, your way, to your criteria. It’s your life OP. Sail smoothly or go manically, but be happy and true to yourself, my only advice.

 

x

[Superstickyone]

I can relate to you poster on the difficulty making friends.  You have standards and feel if it's not a fit, then it's done.  Better not to put energy in unsavory situations.  It's hard with no family and one has to work harder to find a substitute family so to speak.  I can see your doubt too about whether you make the right decisions.  I think the same and ask myself if I'm being too judgemental and not accepting enough.

Mostly I settle for casual relationships now as friends that appeared to be closer actually weren't.  I was being used for something in each case.  I would get tired of doing them favors or listening to problems non stop.

I don't like to say I've completely given up hope for closer relationships. However, it doesn't appear to be in the cards and I'm accepting it.  Casual friendships aren't as satisfying but they are better than nothing.

I hope you don't give up but I know how difficult it is to find real close friends.  Too bad you had to let those prospects go.  I think it shows you are healthy and able to discern who is unsuitable. Wish you the best!