Found very explicit Reddit posts from wife's relationship with ex

[kreed]

Hello everyone... 

I have been married to my current wife for 6 years this NYE. The summer before we got married, we briefly took a break for 2 weeks, and she had gone back to her ex and had sex with him. She and I eventually got back together, but 2 months later we found out she was pregnant and we had a scare that it could be her ex. 

This past Thursday (after all the painful history from 7 years ago), I found some old Reddit posts from her that are very sexually explicit in nature. They are not photos, but they describe in very intimate detail the sexual positions, the intimacy and possibly worst of all how he made her feel sexually. There are many things sexually that she shared with him that she and I have never shared - for example one thing I have always shared with her I would like to do is have risky sex in a public place.  I found out via Reddit that she actually had sex with her ex in a bar. She has over 100 posts in the Sex subreddit alone in which she describes in very detailed manner her sexual nature with him. 

She told me when confronted about all of this that I had violated her privacy, and it was none of my business. Normally I would agree but since she cheated on this man with me, and she forgot to delete what is essentially public record on social media - I do disagree. 

Last, I am afraid this is going to destroy us sexually. We have always had a good sex life, but now I cannot look at her the same. All I can think about is all the things she did with him and not me. She is very active on Reddit, and has over 200 posts about her sex life with him, and none about me. Her posts are so graphic that they include descriptions about positions, fluids, and a level of initimacy that she and I have never shared. Please tell me how to handle this and please tell me if I am wrong for having looked at something I believe she should have remembered and deleted when we got married at the very least. 

[Batya33]

So you broke up and in a brief period of time she had sex with her ex -when you got back together was it exclusively? Did you stay together and marry because of the pregnancy? I think her decision to post like that on social media and not delete the posts was a very poor one whether she was married to you or not.  It shows a real lack of judgment unless she works as a sex worker or similar where it would help her business I suppose.  I don't think she was obligated to tell you. Does she still post these sorts of details on social media? 

I recommend marriage counseling so an objective third party can help you communicate -or go to an individual therapist.

[kreed]

36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So you broke up and in a brief period of time she had sex with her ex -when you got back together was it exclusively? Did you stay together and marry because of the pregnancy? I think her decision to post like that on social media and not delete the posts was a very poor one whether she was married to you or not.  It shows a real lack of judgment unless she works as a sex worker or similar where it would help her business I suppose.  I don't think she was obligated to tell you. Does she still post these sorts of details on social media? 

I recommend marriage counseling so an objective third party can help you communicate -or go to an individual therapist.

I was (am still) very in love with her. It was my fault we broke up for the 2 weeks before we married. She was straight forward about being back with the ex. What absolutely stings me is that she over the course of her 2-year relationship with this man is the very graphic and illustrative posts about their sex life. There are things that she shares in Reddit that she has not even shared to me, her husband like she's "high libido" and has "high sex drive" - she gets very explicit for example in the manner in which she and her ex touch each other down to the dirty details of oral sex. It is extremely shocking and hurtful. I told her that it hurts she has shared things with him that she either won't or hasn't shared with me. I don't know - it was a shock to the system, and I tried to explain to her that "knowing" she had sex in the past is one thing - reading intimate details of when, where, and how is another. 

[kctiger]

I'm confused here. Can you clarify a few things please: 

1. What made you check Reddit for her posts from 7 years ago? 
2. I assume you had a paternity test to confirm the baby is yours? 
3. You say she cheated, but she didn't. You two were broke up when she got back with her ex and she was upfront with that situation, correct? 
4. What are you expecting her to do 7 years after she posted this stuff? Does she still post this stuff about her ex? 
5. Did you not have a clue about these posts until now? 

This is almost a classic case of curiosity killed the cat. I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to know the intimate details of past partners, but I'm extremely curious on what prompted you to investigate. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, kreed said:

She is very active on Reddit, and has over 200 posts about her sex life with him, and none about me.

Yeah, I would say that your wife has maybe married you. But she is still pinning about the ex. Its a tricky situation. Women sometimes see sexual intimacy as connection. So you see, even after all these years, she is more connected to him then to you. Heck, I could even say he is "the love of her life" that got away. And you are the consolation price that married her.

Not a pretty position to be in. And yes you should legitimately be worried there.

[catfeeder]

Did she post under a pseudonym or her name?

How did you find her posts, and what prompted you to do so?

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, kreed said:

Last, I am afraid this is going to destroy us sexually.

This should be the least of your worries...

Why you took her back after she f*d her ex during the break is beyond me. On paper, you were still married. And the fact she went back to him immediately shows that she still had feelings for him. Did you sleep with someone else too during that time?

You need couple's counseling if you want to stay in this toxic marriage.

Was the baby even yours? What has prompted you to check her reddit account? Were those recent posts?

[kreed]

45 minutes ago, kctiger said:

I'm confused here. Can you clarify a few things please: 

1. What made you check Reddit for her posts from 7 years ago? 
2. I assume you had a paternity test to confirm the baby is yours? 
3. You say she cheated, but she didn't. You two were broke up when she got back with her ex and she was upfront with that situation, correct? 
4. What are you expecting her to do 7 years after she posted this stuff? Does she still post this stuff about her ex? 
5. Did you not have a clue about these posts until now? 

This is almost a classic case of curiosity killed the cat. I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to know the intimate details of past partners, but I'm extremely curious on what prompted you to investigate. 

Good questions:  

1) I read the news on reddit - she posts there from time to time. I saw one of her random posts from last week and clicked on her profile. Then I clicked on comments and went down a rabbit hole

2) No paternity test - I never questioned it and would never at this stage

3) We were not married at the time we took a break 7 years ago... she cheated in the sense that once she and started talking again she was still seeing the ex for a couple weeks

4) She does not still post this stuff about her ex but says she simply "forgot" about it all - I was like how in the world do you forget about such detail of over 200 comments on Reddit

5) I had zero clue EVER about these posts - she has always downplayed their relationship especially sexually

What prompted me to further investigate was one comment I ran across. The comment did not seem at all like her - hence went down the rabbit hole.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 minutes ago, kreed said:

No paternity test - I never questioned it and would never at this stage

Damn. I don't know how you can sleep at night not knowing if the child is yours. Your sense of denial is real.

3 minutes ago, kreed said:

She does not still post this stuff about her ex but says she simply "forgot" about it all

When did she stop posting about the sexual content?

[kreed]

[deleted double post]

[kreed]

10 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Damn. I don't know how you can sleep at night not knowing if the child is yours. Your sense of denial is real.

When did she stop posting about the sexual content?

Her last post was a week before we got back together that was about his uncircumcised penis was "beautiful" - they were together for 2 years... they were apart for 6 months when we took the break. In the 7 years we have been together, she has never detailed anything close to that about us. There are things I read in her comments like sex in a bar, sex in cars, etc. that she and I have never even done. I have tried to get her to have sex with me at night on a balcony on the ocean and she wouldn't do it. 

[kctiger]

15 minutes ago, kreed said:

Good questions:  

1) I read the news on reddit - she posts there from time to time. I saw one of her random posts from last week and clicked on her profile. Then I clicked on comments and went down a rabbit hole

Ok so for one thing, you didn't violate her privacy. You lose that argument once you post extremely private information on a public forum. So for her to gaslight you saying it's none of your business, etc. is completely uncalled for and demonstrates an extreme lack of sensitivity to your feelings. Strike 1. 

She immediately went back to her ex after you two took a break. That would have been a major flag for me before I got married. Strike 2.

What's done is done now so if you want to remain in this marriage I strongly encourage some professional counseling. Those posts can't be unseen and you'll need professional help to process how to move forward with your wife after learning details that no one would ever want to know. I think she needs a lot of help in having empathy but she seems to be extremely defensive and dismissive of your feelings. Strike 3?? That remains to be seen and depends on how motivated you both are to resolve this very real issue. 

[kreed]

2 minutes ago, kctiger said:

Ok so for one thing, you didn't violate her privacy. You lose that argument once you post extremely private information on a public forum. So for her to gaslight you saying it's none of your business, etc. is completely uncalled for and demonstrates an extreme lack of sensitivity to your feelings. Strike 1. 

She immediately went back to her ex after you two took a break. That would have been a major flag for me before I got married. Strike 2.

What's done is done now so if you want to remain in this marriage I strongly encourage some professional counseling. Those posts can't be unseen and you'll need professional help to process how to move forward with your wife after learning details that no one would ever want to know. I think she needs a lot of help in having empathy but she seems to be extremely defensive and dismissive of your feelings. Strike 3?? That remains to be seen and depends on how motivated you both are to resolve this very real issue. 

Thank you... agree with you especially on point 1. She told me "what kind of sicko goes back on Reddit and reads all that stuff - no one does that" 

I told her exactly what you said, "listen I understand you are embarrassed but this out there on the Internet for anyone to see" - her argument was that I had to go looking for it. I told her yes, curiosity killed the cat but once I saw multiple posts it was too late. 

I feel that we have both been extremely insensitive to one another - she has accused me of *** shaming her and that what's in her past is not my business. I said kindly I don't see it that way if she has put it in the public view and I did not break into an email or account to see it - which clearly I did not. If I gave you all her username (which I won't) you would see it all plain as day with just a few clicks. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, kreed said:

This past Thursday (after all the painful history from 7 years ago), I found some old Reddit posts from her that are very sexually explicit in nature. They are not photos, but they describe in very intimate detail the sexual positions, the intimacy and possibly worst of all how he made her feel sexually. There are many things sexually that she shared with him that she and I have never shared - for example one thing I have always shared with her I would like to do is have risky sex in a public place.  I found out via Reddit that she actually had sex with her ex in a bar

1)  How 'old' are these posts?  If within range of this occurance with him, then maybe leave it all alone.

2)  Doesn't matter what happened between them.. your focus should be on what you are & do with her, now.

[DarkCh0c0]

So, you're upset that she has old sexual posts from an old situationship and you now can't see her the same anymore. I understand that.

Add to that, you don't know if the baby is yours. I don't know how you would deal with this if you'll notice 10 years later that your child looks more like her ex or has some of his features...

That in mind, I think couple's counselling is your best bet. Have some professional third party help you work through this. The marriage sounds toxic with poor foundations of trust, honesty, ect. It'll be a tough one.

[Kwothe28]

31 minutes ago, kreed said:

2) No paternity test - I never questioned it and would never at this stage

 

Why? Especially when you had doubts about paternity. 

I think its a legitimate issue. To the point that, yes, that kid could be his. She feels their connection is strong even when married to you. Having a kid together might be why. Though my money is more on what Ive said previously. Women feel strong sex connection is the connection. The fact that she still feels that with him and not with you is very concerning.

[boltnrun]

A friend of mine found out after twelve years that "his" daughter was not in fact his. I know his ex wife very well, I've seen all of the kids many times and I have doubts that the first child is his either. BUT, he said after raising her for twelve years he didn't care what the DNA test says, she's his daughter and he loves her.

Unfortunately his wife was repeatedly unfaithful and ended up leaving him (and the kids!) because her latest affair got her pregnant.

I don't like how insensitive your wife is being. She should be having empathy toward you, not anger and contempt.

If she won't attend counseling, would that be a deal breaker?

[kreed]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

A friend of mine found out after twelve years that "his" daughter was not in fact his. I know his ex wife very well, I've seen all of the kids many times and I have doubts that the first child is his either. BUT, he said after raising her for twelve years he didn't care what the DNA test says, she's his daughter and he loves her.

Unfortunately his wife was repeatedly unfaithful and ended up leaving him (and the kids!) because her latest affair got her pregnant.

I don't like how insensitive your wife is being. She should be having empathy toward you, not anger and contempt.

If she won't attend counseling, would that be a deal breaker?

Thanks for the reply. She wants to attend counseling - actually her idea. 

I will tell you - once I found out about these Reddit posts, it's a side of her I have not seen in a while. She was livid. I asked "why are you so upset? you are the one who posted these in public forums"

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, kreed said:

Thanks for the reply. She wants to attend counseling - actually her idea. 

I will tell you - once I found out about these Reddit posts, it's a side of her I have not seen in a while. She was livid. I asked "why are you so upset? you are the one who posted these in public forums"

She didn't want you to know about that side of her.

Perhaps she's embarrassed. 

[tattoobunnie]

Babies take 9 months to cook full-term.  Was the baby born at 7 months, or 9 months?   I mean, your kid is 6 now, you should have an idea by now.  Sorry to hear how jealous you are about her writing about her ex.  Reminds me of the TV show Self/Life.  I mean, did you think she was an inexperienced woman at 30 YEARS OLD?  And you've never gotten back together with an ex before?

I think you need to stop what you are doing.  Focus on all the positive things in your marriage and your kid, and just take each day by day to move forward.  I have plenty of stuff out here, including this forum that I kid you not, have no idea what I wrote over a decade ago.  I honestly don't look back much.  

Why in the world are you punishing her for having a sex life before you?

[Kwothe28]

12 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Reminds me of the TV show Self/Life

You mean "Sex/Life"?

It does reminds on that lol. Hoping his wife is at least better then the one on the show. That decided how 85% happiness wasnt enough and she needs to be 100% happy and has a lover on the side. 

Also, OP, why did they broke up? Aside of the usual BS story how she wanted you all along and such?

[MissCanuck]

Why have you never requested a paternity test, OP? Are you worried you might find out a painful truth?

In any event, what's done is done regarding her online raving about sex with her ex. She can't undo it. What would you like her to do now? 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, kreed said:

  I believe she should have remembered and deleted when we got married at the very least. 

These posts were from before you were married?

How did you happen upon them in a sea of anonymous forum posts?

Have you read reddit faq or terms of service? Do they delete posts?

Unfortunately your marriage seems problematic beyond quasi-pornographic reddit posts.

Address the poor communication, lack of trust and sexual incompatibilities. Perhaps try marriage therapy rather than reddit wars or sexual competition.

[kreed]

18 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You mean "Sex/Life"?

It does reminds on that lol. Hoping his wife is at least better then the one on the show. That decided how 85% happiness wasnt enough and she needs to be 100% happy and has a lover on the side. 

Also, OP, why did they broke up? Aside of the usual BS story how she wanted you all along and such?

Honestly, I believe that she saw a better future with me. I have always had a good job, decent money and he was a career bartender. I believe she was in love with him, and sometimes misses him. I believe that's why she has taken this so personally. I resurfaced those feelings. I also acknowledged that she is likely embarrassed by the content of the posts. I am sorry that I found it and I am not trying to hurt her, but it's public, and when a person enters into a new relationship they need to take care in their social media - especially marriage. Some of her posts are so sexually explicit I would not ever speak of doing those acts in a forum nor to my best friend or anyone. They shocking, jarring and have scarred me to a certain extent. 

[kreed]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

These posts were from before you were married?

How did you happen upon them in a sea of anonymous forum posts?

Have you read reddit faq or terms of service? Do they delete posts?

Unfortunately your marriage seems problematic beyond quasi-pornographic reddit posts.

Address the poor communication, lack of trust and sexual incompatibilities. Perhaps try marriage therapy rather than reddit wars or sexual competition.

It's not anonymous necessarily when she shared her handle with me and asked me to join. Nor when she shares her name, and her family's name.