Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[rionmccloud]

Oh Amy. How you make my soldier salute. You don't even try and hide your desires from me. Unfortunately you are not for me. I wish it were not this way, but it is. I am not dumb enough to think that being with me would change your ways, as many would be. Maybe in a few years, when you're a little wiser to the world and had your fill of meaningless sex it could. Call me then. For now I will try and refrain from acting on my lustful urges, but you will not make it easy for me, oh no. The way you walk, the way you dress, the way you do your hair... You know what you do. You do it on purpose. The things you say seem nonchalant, but you are teasing me. I will, nay, I MUST resist the temptation.

 

A little too dramatic again? Eh... That's me. Must keep my readers entertained after all, ya?

[rionmccloud]

You know what I really hate? When a girl you've been interested in for a while has a boyfriend. Especially when she makes it sound like if things were different before we may have been together. Oh well, what can you do, right?

 

I've been talking to a girl online I met through link removed. She's nice and quick witted, and we have many of the same interests. She's not as geeky as I am, but I don't mind. She doesn't seem to mind either. She;s also supposed to teach me how to dance sometime. I think I'd like that.

 

Filming didn't go as planned. We ended up losing the light before we could get there. But we did go to a little carnival and make a friend ride the Ferris Wheel. It's one where the cars spin upside down. When it was time for him to get off we got the operator to run him through once more. Heh heh. Got it all on tape too. He works at a TV station so we may send it to one of the anchors and see if it can get on air. He was screaming like a girl.

 

We went to the beer garden, but I only had one beer. That was a good idea. I started to get a little moody and wistful. We came home and I was tired, so I sent them away. In a nice way of course.

 

My son came over Friday and we went to that carnival. He had a blast and so did I. I thought I was supposed to be keeping him all night, but the ex thought different, so I conceded since it's almost her birthday. Sometimes it's just easier.

 

I have a bet with the girl online. If I win, which she thinks is impossible, I get whatever I want. Anything. I can claim my prize. This raised some very interesting possiblities. I tried to tell her within reason, but she thinks it's so impossible that she said just plain anything. Oh the moral dilemma, you're thinking. Come one Rin, you're not that type of guy, you're saying. And you're right, I'm not. A date. That's it. Just the one.

 

Don't lose faith in me. I stay true to myself. But I wonder, since she has the same offer on teh table, what prize would she claim?

 

Hmmmm... interesting.

[rionmccloud]

Well, my day started off fine. I woke up and felt okay. I talked to Removed by request, the girl I have the bet with, online for a moment. I picked up my son and it was off to the store for a birthday card. It's the ex's Birthday today. I thought I was going to be fine. I get to her place and things are going great. My son gives her his card, she reads it, she loves it. I have no card. The only gift I have is my love and a hug. So I gave her a hug and said happy birthday. That's when it hit me. I left as soon as I could but she saw it. I'm starting my car and she says "Don't be sad, okay." I don't want to be. It's a birthday it should be a joyous occasion. I just tell her "I had things planned out perfect this year. Even if I could do tha things I wanted for you, it wouldn't make a bit of difference. Say hi to your mom for me" and I drove away.

 

I always feel like just when I'm getting back to normal it's that one thing. It's tiny. It's like the thorn in the lion's paw, ya? It just gets to me and there's nothing I can do about it. If her birthday could have waited another month I think I'd be fine.

 

Well, that's my day so far. It's almost 5 and I've only been up since 3. Hope the rest goes better than this.

[ediefy]

If this is the first year you've not gotten to celebrate her birthday as a couple, you've done really, really well today, rion. It's frigging hard, I know. Tom's birthday is tomorrow, and I'm just ignoring it completely, as far as he knows. (Not that he necessarily cares.) Does it hurt? Sure, it does. Will _he_ be sad that I'm not part of his birthday celebration this year? Who the hell knows? And does it matter one bit? No, it really doesn't, hard as it is to believe sometimes.

 

I realized yesterday that in all of this I probably dodged a bullet. He's clearly very screwed up about relationships, and, though I would have gone to couples therapy for years to work things out with him, it's also clear that he's not willing to even make that kind of a commitment to himself, much less to a partner. So, instead of spending hours and lots of energy working on all of the problems with the two of us, I can spend my time enjoying being with someone way more balanced and stable--and far more able to give me all the love I deserve. (On my better days, I really do believe this.)

 

You'll be okay, Rion. This, too, shall pass.

[rionmccloud]

Yeah, I know Ediefy. Thank you for the boost there. I guess I could be handling it worse. I do wonder how she feels about it though.

 

I need to focus on now not the past. Now I have S to talk to which makes me feel happy. She cheers me up very quickly. I hope I return the favor. She doesn't seem to mind. She's very nice.

 

I'm going to Sugoicon, an anime convention. I will be cosplaying as well.... Yeah I'm a geek. I'm really looking forwqard to it though. Several friends are attending so it should be fun. Can't everyone to dress up though. I'll be Advent Children style Cid. Heh heh. Love that guy.

 

Well, I'm felling much better now. Thank you again Ediefy. I hope you can take it as well as I seemingly am.

[SexySadie7]

where & when is the anime convention Riom?

i love cartoons & animation.

I had a bad night last night too.. I felt very lonely for some reason.. When I went to sleep I had an awful dream About my ex. I dreamt we went to this wonderful resort.. We were still together as a couple & we were invited to a great barbecue dinner and there was an area thAt had jacuzzis for everyone.. We walked into the jacuzzi area but when we went to go eat dinner.. my ex was no where to be found.. I mean nowhere!

I searched everywhere but i couldn't find him....though,... in the dream i suspect he slipped off to be with someone he met at 1 of the jacuzzi spots.....

I asked everyone if they had seen him.. but no one had & I was getting very concerned as we were very very far from home.

I went outside and there was this guy, whom I didn't know, but who lived near our town, and was making disparaging remarks about the fact my bf had just "taken off". I got very very angry with this guy and starting grabbing him by the shirt collar & actually getting rather violent with him. I was even about to knee him in the gonads, I was THAT angry.

I"m never violent in real life btw.....

I don't know... maybe i dreamt this just cuz the day ended in a funky manner anyway.. when I went outside late yesterday I found out several things had been stolen from the outside the patio where i live,

 

Anyway in the dream I came back into town and funny thing... my ex's mom (whom I've NEVER met) was working at an office near where i hung out.. She looked rather worried.. like her son didn't let her know where he was either... (IRL he left town abruptly and left a few people sort of in the lurch as, he was leaving permanently, or so he told us all) but she remained professional..

I wanted to ask her if she knew where her son was but didn't have the heart. Which is true in real life still.. i really WOULD like some answers to alot of things in the ways he treated me...(he wasn't really fair to me or kind to me in the end in so many ways & I'd like to know why... as I was ALWAYS so nice to him) He's returned to the area, but I don't have the heart now cuz he's been so cold & distant to me since we broke up.

Anyway, back to the dream... I walked down the street.. and then out of nowhere I see my ex again.. I started screaming out at him.. "thanks for taking off on me... and then started calling him by his "last" name saying "Smith sucks". His real last name isn't Smith but you get the idea.

God only know why i'm STILL dreaming about this guy??

I just want to forget him & met someone new & cool.. I'm alot like you in this regards Rionm... I wish I could take a magic wand and wipe out these thoughts of him from my brain.. well.. AT LEAST the bad parts.. I do cherish the good times we had together.. but the hurtful times were and still are just so painful...

I used to dream about him quite a bit but when I found out he returned to town & never looked me up.. i haven't since.

I"m thinking of going to this concert this week though, where he & I went on our last date.. and I AM a bit flipped out about that.. Not that i don't want to go.. but i'm afraid of running into him & his new love.

Awww.... this sucks.....

Can anyone here do dream interpretations?

[rionmccloud]

This would be Sugoicon, in Covington KY. go to link removed for more information.

 

As far as the dreams, I think I've said it before I'm sure but here's my take. Sometimes I think the subconscious is like a black hole. It sucks in random thoughts, dreams, memories, and feelings. They get compressed into one entitity and spew it out as a dream. Maybe some have a meaning, but in my opinion it's likely nothing but the brain babbling. Again, just my opinion.

 

Go to the concert, I say. If he's there, so what? Go enjoy yourself. You can't stay home because you MIGHT run into him. I did that with my ex. I thought about not dropping my son off at the house because it would be too painful. It is painful, but it's like anything else in that you have to face it down to stop the pain. You get conditioned to things faster than you now. Now when I go over it's no big deal. Still not fully over things, but that's okay.

[SexySadie7]

Thanks for the positive feedback Riomn..(I'm sure in need of some this week!~

Yeah... i think it's like your saying on your signature.. when you are in hell keep going....

I KNOW i can't spend my life in my house just to avoid my ex... I will never get over him that way.. And besides, I"ve lost about 25-30 lbs since i have seen him last.. It's entirely possible he won't even recognize me!

I really would like to go see this concert.. not that it only one of my favorite BG musicians.. but it's also sort of a sign to myself I will get over this....

Now.. all I gotta do is get my brakes on my car fixed!

[rionmccloud]

I can never get freaking links to work right... Oh well.

 

Always glad to help. You're right. 25-30 pounds is a lot, and if he does recognize you'll then he'll see that. I'm sure you're looking great, and that alone says a lot to the ex. My ex still comments on how good I'm looking these days. Always helps when the jaw's a droppin. heh.

 

The sig comes from DN. That guy's so lowkey, and doesn't say much, but what he does say knocks you for a loop.

 

Again, glad I can help shed some light.

[juicyfruitmama]

Hi guys and thanks... Rion/ediefy/perserv...

 

I'm doing better since Wed. I've refused to wallow in self pity for this long because... well because I'm getting pissed off now. Well, I'm not that angry... disappointed and tired is more like it. Oh how tired I am! I have benched myself for a while to recoup. I think I am lucky thought to have good friends to lean on, to come to a chat group to talk about things and to know that I will be able to love again. I've fallen in love 2x in my life so it's not impossible to get these feelings back.

 

I just HATE the dating scene... - oh man, how i hate it. Time for some R&R. I may start my own post on the break-up forum... perhaps tell my story (shortform this time) ha ha... and just keep it as a running journal for myself.

 

One thing that I wanted to share before i go this evening is actually quite funny (and gross). I was on the bus coming into work today and there's this guy that gets on who was older and drunk. Anyhoo... he sits accross from me and I sense that he's staring at me every once in a while. Finally after 20 min, he pipes up, "Exxxxxush meee maaam... Caan I shay dat yew have sutch amashing hair? Etssss sewwww beauttiful!" "Uh.. thanks...thank you very much" - my best elvis impersonation I could muster. (I've got long, red curly hair). He then went on to say how beautiful I was... and if it was okay that he actually said that etc. I wasn't embarrassed by what he was saying... but it was the ONLY conversation on the bus. There was about 10 other people (not many) but still... - anyway, I didn't care. It sort of made my day (sort of). So... I was polite.

 

Thinking that our little conversation (or should I say his conversation) was over, I got up and went to the back doors. "Hollly Sheeit! How tall arrre yew anyway...? Amazzzzon Woman!!!!" (I'm 6'0")... I politely smiled but ignored him after that and THEN... and THEN... I get this last hurrah from the drunk guy: "Boy... am I ever going to have wet dreams tonight!"

 

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Ew! Ew! Ew! - I gave him this look and said "You know, you just wrecked that special moment"... and I heard some people laughing... then he touched his hand on his heart (like he was saluting me) and said "I schmean what I've sshaid....Yew... have a good one!"

 

And with that, I was out the door... laughing my azz off a few moments later...

 

too funny.

 

Now, if I can only get someone single, younger, sober, and more attractive to tell me that... I'd be having wet dreams! ewwww....

[rionmccloud]

Hahaha. That's rich, that is. That's why I hate public transportation. Well, that and the fact I can almost get where I'm going and almost on time.

 

I'm glad to hear you're doing better. It's easy to get down over life. You show great strength in not allowing that to happen. We're here for you anytime.

 

And, as always, glad to be of some help.

[SexySadie7]

Juicyfruitmama, that is slightly creepy & very funny.. Eww.. i seem to have no problems attracting the creeps either.. Now to find one employed, with ALL HIS teeth & hair, that is under 40! LOL

I was going to PM you juicyfruit cuz your circumstance reminded me of my ex also.. It was ALL about him too...

I will wait though to see if that's okay first.

[rionmccloud]

Hey Sadie! I resent the hair remark! Can I help it if it's starting to thin out up top? No!

 

I notice differences between men and women more these days, and I think many can be funny. Like, for instance, I sit in a spot where people must walk by to leave the office. Lucky me I get to see the girls go. Yes I look, I mean, how could I not? The view can be... fantastic at times. Women don't do this. Maybe I don't have a nice derrier, but they don't. Or maybe they're slicker than me and I haven't noticed anyone looking. Sometimes I think I'd like to be ogled. Never have been.

 

I have a hard time looking someone in the eyes when I'm not comfortable yet. I'm kind of a shy outgoing person. I can talk to anybody, and generaly do. In fact, just today I spoke with a rather attractive girl in my office to whom I have never spoken before. I was charming and nice, yadda yadda yadda, but I have a problem with eye contact right off the bat. Not a problem once I get comfortable, but sometimes that can take several weeks. I don't expect to change this, or need advice to so, I was just making another observation.

 

Things I'd like to do before the end of the year:

1. Ice skate. I have never been ice skating.

2. Foliage. I would like to drive into the country to see the leaves changing colors. I just plaing never do for whatever reason.

3. Ride a horse. I never have and it always seemed fun.

4. Sew a button. It's quite useful to be able to sew.

5. Go on a date. Yeah I've been a few, but a few more wouldn't hurt, ya?

 

I think that's it. Sorry it's so random. You guys should expect that by now.

[SexySadie7]

Well.. Riomn.. you can be 20 something with thinning hair & still be cute.

I got a music instructor who's about your age who's hair is thinning, but he's still got a cute face.

I'd like to REALLY learn to ride A horse too.. I have ridden horses but i'm not proficient in it..

Another thing on my list to do... Why are you not looking at foliage in the fall Riomn? today is first day of fall btw. one of my favorite things to do... you really need to drive into New England though to see great foliage. they got the sugar maples up there that are a brilliant red, that along with the oranges & yellow, it's spectacular.

Maybe if i come up to do the zombie thing, we do a car carazan foliage thing... are you into photography too Riomn?

drat my card is all filled up on my new digital camera & my keyboard has died on my new computer.. I'll either need a need card now or have to go splurge on a keyboard to get the CD drive open to download stuff...anyone have a clue on how much space photos take up on a hard drive?

okay.. i'm babbling too.. random thoughts.. what Are those? LOL.. my whole thought pattern is generally random thoughts.. is there somethign wrong with that? LOL

today should be a good day, i got a good assignment from work, i have my French class & I AM GOING TO THAT bluegrass concert I decided.

[rionmccloud]

The dreams came again today. I don't know why they chose today. These weren't normal ones. They hurt. A lot of bad things in this one. Something tells me it will not be a good day.

[Juha]

SexySadie,

 

When you say you want them to have all their teeth....

 

What if they have been in a bad accident and lost some???

 

But have always taken care of them and have replacements....

 

What if they are such a good person would not having all their teeth cause you to dump them even after you dated them and liked being with them....

 

I say this because I was in a terrible accident and my alot of my teeth got broken and I lost alot also....I have been through manhy hours in the dentist chair and operations to get what I have to work and look normal...

 

I have been through this with women and when they find out about my teeth they back off and think we should be friends or they just dont want me anymore...This has taken a toll on my psyche and I have had to deal with it...

 

Are that many women that shallow???

[rionmccloud]

The dream turned out to be rather prophetic, and I was right about it not being a good day. Sometimes I hate being right.

 

The dream was about seeing my son at my ex's home. The new BF and I got into a verbal fight.

 

Later, at the park with my son, I called the ex to see if she wanted to spend time at the park as well. We could catch up a little bit. It would be nice. She asked if I wanted Shawn, the new BF, to pick him up. I said "Hell no". About five minutes later Shawn shows up at the park. There are few boundaries in my life, but this is one. It was my time with my son. OUR time. He was not invited nor wanted.

 

He made idle chit chat, the kind where you can tell that's not the reason for coming. "Why are you here?" Apparently, he thinks there shouldn't be a problem between us and that we should talk if there is one. In what world would there not be a problem?!

 

I was as nice as can be, informing him that it's my problem and he needs to not worry about it. The worst part was seeing my son react to his presense. He was ecstatic, and wanted to go home with him. Any idea how that feels?! The ex doesn't know, and doesn't care.

 

She thinks I'm being immature about it and putting her in the middle. I need to add she didn't know he was planing on doing this. She said she's tired of being in the middle. She acts like I'm some kind of monster sometimes, like I do nothing but get angry. I told her to tell hime to NEVER do that again. I can't help if he's in my son's life, but I sure as hell can keep him out of mine.

 

I talked to my friend Erin after this. She lived nearby, so after I dropped my son off I went over to calm down. She agrees that it was a D**K move. I hate that this has ruined my day.

 

Maybe someday the ex'll walk a mile in my shoes. Then maybe she'll understand. Until then she can think I'm immature, but I think everyone will agree I did the best I could.

[rionmccloud]

So I'm at work and my phone rings. It's Amy. She asks a favor of me, a small one, which I agreed to. No big deal. What made me feel a little odd was before she hung up she said "Thanks baby."

 

I know this is nothing. Likely, she says that to everybody so that's not what was odd. It was being called that by someone other than my ex. I smiled, but at the same time felt sick to my stomach a little.

 

Earlier she was very sympathetic to my situation. She said she'd call me, again, to do something Saturday. I won't be holding my breath, but it would be cool.

 

Mainly I guess I just had a rough day and being called "Baby", no matter how innocent, caught me off guard. I guess I did learn a few things today, though. What they are remains to be figured out, but I'm sure there was some lesson.

[rionmccloud]

And on top of that my dad just tells me my mom's in the hospital. Great day, just f***ing great.

[ediefy]

Geez, rion, this is a tough patch. A few thoughts, which you can take or leave as you wish/as is helpful to you:

 

 

1) the ex's BF: I think it's good that you set limits for this guy, and that you're clear about it with him and with the ex. It doesn't matter whether the ex thinks you're behaving alright or not, you're entitled to set parameters around the time you do have with your son, and she should respect that and not fault you for having strong feelings about it. The boy is your son, after all.

 

2) Amy: be careful, don't let her screw with your head. At that age (she's 19, right?) she's not even aware of how that kind of flirting/play talk can really get to you, and odds are she doesn't really mean it in any real way. She likes you, for sure, but it doesn't sound like she's ever going to be a serious prospect. "Come back when you grow up, girl" (a song that was popular when I was about 11 years old) comes to mind.

 

3) Your mom. I hope she's okay, and will keep you and your mom in my thoughts today. (The very day I got dumped back in May, my mom was in Costa Rica and fell and broke her pelvis. She's still recovering, 4 months later. Trouble seems to come all at once, sometimes.)

 

Hang in, rion. Hang in.

[SexySadie7]

riomn, a bit confused .... did u dream you argued with the BF or you really had verbal fight IRL?

I told my friend about my dream the other night with the ex-bf.. he was laughing his head off.. dreams are a bit ridiculous.

sorry to hear about your mom Riomn... hope she's better soon.

I'm going off to that concert tonite... pray for me too.. i gotta go down big hill & my brakes are on their last legs.

yeah.. i had a BF from louisville long time ago.. he called everyone baby too.

he was a big flirt... very cute though, : )

[rionmccloud]

Yes, I dreamt about a confrontation with him then it happened IRL. Really odd.

 

As far as the BF, screw him. I'm mostly fine today. Apparently he was angry because he heard me on the phone. Angry over what, I don't know.

 

As far as Amy I'm not reading anything into it. It just felt weird. Nobody's called me baby except the ex. I really wasn't prepared for that. It's always the little things that cause you to stumble in the road, ya? Caught me off guard.

 

My mom has to have some tests run. One is a stress test. I'll not be shocked if she has major heart problems. She already has diabetes and bad arthritis. I just really didn't need that on top of everything else.

 

I'll be fine. I always am. Sometimes I wonder if after an atomic bomb there will only be roaches, cher, and me. Man that would suck. I hate cher.

[SexySadie7]

Yes, I dreamt about a confrontation with him then it happened IRL. Really odd.

 

That's SO odd Riomn... man.. i better not run into the ex at this concert.. I'm not sure i'm ready for that... especially if his new lady love is there.. Honestly Riomn.. i do feel your pain & can relate totAlly.. you are holding up reAlly well considering....

I went & reserve the tickets for the concert.. i'll be damn if i get down there & it's sold out.... i'm about to iron my new cotton dream with the keyhole back & i'm not wearing a bra with it either.. cuz truthfully i cannot with this dress.. so.. at least if i do run into the ex.. i'll hope to be at least looking good enuf for him to thik for milisecond.. Now WHY did i dump her?

lol.

well... wish me luck. i'm running late as usual...

take care Riomn.. i'll put your mom in my prayers

at least we ain't in Houston man! that storm is gonna suck big time!~

[rionmccloud]

link removed

 

That's my profile on link removed. Any comments, questions, advice?

 

Just thought maybe I should get a second opinion on it. And the photos. I'm speaking with a girl on there now that's a cute biochemist. I didn't know there was such a thing.

 

Hope the concert went well and your car didn't kill ya Sadie. It's always good to feel and look good before meeting the ex. Feels great when my ex notices the weight loss and such. Almost like a slap in the face for them. I have no idea what a cotton dream is, but I imagine not wearing a bra with it will be quite the attention getter, especially if it's cold out. heh heh.

 

As bad as Hurricane Rita is, it was kind of cool seeing Key West on the news. I was like "Hey I've been there!" and "I pissed on that building!"

[ediefy]

I liked your profile a lot--if I was a 20-something, you'd sound like you'd be fun to date. You're multi-faceted, creative, clearly intelligent. And you're a nice-looking guy, Rion. Don't doubt that.

 

"If you build it, they will come..." I think it's a good profile, and I've read lots of 'em over the past few months.