Co- worker flirtatious but doesn't want to date

[shazad]

Hi 

This a complex scenario where a female coworker was being pursued by a male colleague. She then started to flirt with me in a way that was obvious to everyone in the office. I presumed it was due to her wanting to get away from the male colleague as I didn't know her that well. A few weeks later she came to me stating she couldn't sleep and couldn't concentrate. I presumed this was related to her having a crush on me as it had happened before to me with another female coworker. I tried to help her and whilst  she wanted to do work jointly that didn't make sense as we don't normally work together and our departments are different. I acknowledged as I was trying to help her and also developed feelings for her. I asked her out and she initially said perhaps and after I asked her about her relationship with the male colleague she became upset stating they were friends and would go out for meals as friends. She said that she didn't want to date me and I left it at that.however I've started to have difficulty sleeping and poor concentration that I'm trying to manage whilst avoiding contact with her. I now notice that she is intermittently finding reasons to come to my office and I presume she is afraid of rejection and her insomnia to return. I feel that I perhaps am being used for her to feel better whilst I continue to suffer and the symptoms worsen if she comes to my office (she doesn't need to contact me for her work as we have different departments) as I struggle to contain my feelings and want to get closure one way or another. I do want to be with her as well but I'm afraid that she is going to hurt me more. I have thought about telling her that I'm happy if she is happy and wish the best for whatever decision she makes about being with me or not. I worry that this may backfire and she may take it as rejection and try to spite me by flirting openly with the other colleague . Sorry as there are lot of presumptions due to her not expressing what she wants from me and thanks in anticipation for your help.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, shazad said:

I asked her out and she initially said perhaps . She said that she didn't want to date me and I left it at that.

Sorry this happened. it's ok to have a work crush, but office romances are messy. You have closure in that you avoided a messy office romance. Just focus on work, other  coworkers and most of all dating outside of of work.

[Kwothe28]

20 minutes ago, shazad said:

I have thought about telling her that I'm happy if she is happy and wish the best for whatever decision she makes about being with me or not. I worry that this may backfire and she may take it as rejection and try to spite me by flirting openly with the other colleague .

That is way too much for you to think about. 

Sometimes its we that have to give ourselves closures. Yours is that she doesnt want to date you. And you need to accept that and move on. What she does, does she comes to you for attention, does she wants your attention by flirting or dating others, that shouldnt worry you at all. Dont say anything. In fact, dont even give her any attention at all, that is exactly what she wants. Just be professional and do your job.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, shazad said:

I have thought about telling her that I'm happy if she is happy and wish the best for whatever decision she makes about being with me or not.

Eee ghads! I'd never say such a thing to a colleague, much less one I've never even dated.

Especially the 'be with me' phrase, it goes BOING!

Quote

I worry that this may backfire and she may take it as rejection and try to spite me by flirting openly with the other colleague .

Forget about her flirting--you could end up facing harassment accusations. Then you get to tell your story to HR.

Look, you've posted this story before. What did you find unsatisfactory about the advice you received in that thread, and what else are you hoping to hear? "Go ahead, use lousy judgment in your work place?"

View your job through a lens of professionalism and keep your social life and your love life outside the office. OR, risk creeping someone out and paying a price for that.

[lostandhurt]

You seemed to have over complicated a very simple situation.

She flirted with you so you asked her out.  She said no.  It is that simple.

All the other stuff doesn't matter.   When you ask a woman out under non work situations and she says no what do you do?

 Take the high road at work, keep busy, be polite but aloof towards her and 100% professional and only talk about work with her.

 Your concentration and sleep patterns will return to normal in time.

Lost

[Alex39]

7 hours ago, shazad said:

Hi 

This a complex scenario where a female coworker was being pursued by a male colleague. She then started to flirt with me in a way that was obvious to everyone in the office. I presumed it was due to her wanting to get away from the male colleague as I didn't know her that well. A few weeks later she came to me stating she couldn't sleep and couldn't concentrate. I presumed this was related to her having a crush on me as it had happened before to me with another female coworker. I tried to help her and whilst  she wanted to do work jointly that didn't make sense as we don't normally work together and our departments are different. I acknowledged as I was trying to help her and also developed feelings for her. I asked her out and she initially said perhaps and after I asked her about her relationship with the male colleague she became upset stating they were friends and would go out for meals as friends. She said that she didn't want to date me and I left it at that.however I've started to have difficulty sleeping and poor concentration that I'm trying to manage whilst avoiding contact with her. I now notice that she is intermittently finding reasons to come to my office and I presume she is afraid of rejection and her insomnia to return. I feel that I perhaps am being used for her to feel better whilst I continue to suffer and the symptoms worsen if she comes to my office (she doesn't need to contact me for her work as we have different departments) as I struggle to contain my feelings and want to get closure one way or another. I do want to be with her as well but I'm afraid that she is going to hurt me more. I have thought about telling her that I'm happy if she is happy and wish the best for whatever decision she makes about being with me or not. I worry that this may backfire and she may take it as rejection and try to spite me by flirting openly with the other colleague . Sorry as there are lot of presumptions due to her not expressing what she wants from me and thanks in anticipation for your help.

Run away from this. Never let a crush, infatuation, woman, ruin your performance or your career. You are playing with fire. Step back, act professionally, and find women outside of your department to date. There are a million women out there. She is just one. And one that doesn't seem to know what she wants. She may even be playing with multiple men in your area. The other man likes her for a reason.  Because she showed interest. I think you may end up in trouble if you pursue this and this women doesn't seem very sure of her own feelings or commitments.  

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, shazad said:

A few weeks later she came to me stating she couldn't sleep and couldn't concentrate. I presumed this was related to her having a crush on me

In your last thread, she told you it was because she's having problems with her daughter. Her insomnia has nothing to do with you. 

10 hours ago, shazad said:

I now notice that she is intermittently finding reasons to come to my office and I presume she is afraid of rejection and her insomnia to return

Again, you projecting. This woman has told you she isn't interested like that. It's got nothing to do with a fear of rejection. 

10 hours ago, shazad said:

wish the best for whatever decision she makes about being with me or not.

She already decided - she said no. 

10 hours ago, shazad said:

Sorry as there are lot of presumptions due to her not expressing what she wants from me

She expressed that she didn't want to date you. There is nothing left for her to express, OP. 

Look, this is going to sound harsh, but you are writing stories in your own mind about her interest in you. She probably found the attention flattering, but otherwise, her behaviour is unrelated to you. You are seriously projecting your own feelings on to her, when she has actually been quite clear that she doesn't want to date you.

Stay professional at work. Avoid the temptation of applying hidden meaning (to her conduct) when there really isn't any. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, shazad said:

  I've started to have difficulty sleeping and poor concentration that I'm trying to manage 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Insomnia and anxiety are complex issues with many possible causes.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Don't discuss your medical problems with co-workers.  Just be professional and talk to your healthcare providers about your concerns.

[smackie9]

You have no choice but to kick yourself in the butt for investing feelings in someone you are not even dating. Sure we can have workplace crushes, who hasn't, but you need to keep them in check. Don't be that sorry sap that gives the oh farewell my love I'm happy if you are happy speech. That's you being hopeful she will melt into you lap. Nope, don't do it. Keep professional, and do the slow fade. You can say things like, "I'm sorry but I'm a little busy here, maybe we can talk later". or "I don't think I have time to talk I have stuff to get finished here." etc. Keep blowing her off with legitimate sounding excuses. 

[Batya33]

Agree with the others.  She is interested in flirting and not interested in dating.  Continue to act professionally.  I originally met my husband at work.  He called me in my office from his office 3 floors up to ask me out for lunch.  I wasn't sure it was a date.  I said yes.  I know for sure that had I said no he never would have called me again or asked me out again, etc.  Which is as it should be (we did not work together and there was really no chance of us ever working together).  

[boltnrun]

My supervisor at my previous job was 100% convinced a coworker liked her and wanted to date her because he came to our department every day to chat with her. She was so positive he liked her she was even talking to us about how she was going to quit her job and be a stay at home mom to her son by a previous relationship because this guy made enough money to support all of them. She was sure he was going to ask her out and they would end up in a committed relationship. Welp...turns out he's gay and he liked talking to her because they share an obsession with everything Disney related. Oops. Thankfully she never said anything like you suggested because that would have been embarrassing.

Please stay professional and don't say anything to her like that. Just do your job efficiently, be pleasant and professional and don't discuss anything personal with her. 

[moodindigo91]

21 hours ago, shazad said:

I presumed

21 hours ago, shazad said:

I presumed

21 hours ago, shazad said:

I presume

21 hours ago, shazad said:

there are lot of presumptions

Okay, at least you realize there were a lot of presumptions. And it seems like most of your presumptions, if not all of them, were wrong, if I'm being honest. You presumed this and you presumed that. Have you ever just asked her about her feelings, or why she's coming to your office, etc.? In any event, I don't think it's a great baseline for you to presume that women you work with only come to your office because they like you and want to have sex with you. I would say this is rarely going to be the case. You're playing with fire with your mindset. 

21 hours ago, shazad said:

I asked her out and she initially said perhaps and after I asked her about her relationship with the male colleague she became upset stating they were friends and would go out for meals as friends. She said that she didn't want to date me and I left it at that.

21 hours ago, shazad said:

I do want to be with her as well

So you asked her out, she basically said no. You then were like, well you don't want to go out with me but you flirt with this other guy we work with? She then told you she explicitly didn't want to date you and you basically implied that she's like a sl*t by accusing her of flirting with other male coworkers while not wanting to date you. I'm not sure what is so unclear about her feelings requiring you to make so many incorrect assumptions. It sounds like she was pretty clear. I'm not sure where you're getting the "as well" from either, when she explicitly said she didn't want to date you. 

You should probably just continue avoiding her until you feel better and stop assuming women you work with are DTF just because they may be mildly flirtatious with the men they work with. Act professionally when you do see her. I'm sorry you feel rejected, but that is the nature of life. Don't say anything else to her and try to find other ways to handle your feelings of rejection. 

I'm usually not one to say don't date coworkers, but if you are going to date them, the intention must be specific and mutual and with the understanding that things could go wrong and that if they do, it could be very awkward for everyone in the office. However, I would advise you personally not to date coworkers period because you have a hard time dealing with feeling rejected. You can't just simply cut contact with your coworkers after being rejected, you have to see them all the time. If you have a hard time handling rejection, you should stay away from dating coworkers at all costs! 

[shazad]

Thanks all for the advice. I really liked the comments from Alex 39 and Wiseman is not so wise but a grumpy man who is out to bully and be abusive whilst pretending to give advice