My son has gotten a woman pregnant and is already a dead beat

[MikalJoyner]

My son is 22 years old still stays with me.  Today a 24 year old woman reached out to me via Facebook. She messaged me videos of my son harassing her to get an abortion. Also my son was texting her trying to bribe her to abort the baby with money and i knew it was my son from the phone number the screenshots had on them. My son told her in the messages he basically was gonna be a dead beat bd she was going to do it alone so just get rid of it etc. 

i was in shock. My son didn’t tell me he had a child on the way nor could i believe how bad he was trying to manipulate this girl too abort my grandchild.

 

i  want to be in this child’s life but I’m not sure how to go about it i can’t force my son to help?

 

 

[Mammalyssa]

Sounds like your son is panicking. These are the consequences of his actions, and although you can't change his decisions you can make it very clear to the young lady your intentions of being there for her and your grandchild. 

Your son may not feel anything toward a child yet having not yet met the baby, but may come around once he or she is born. Either way he will be up for child support for a very long time so I hope he has a job! 

In your shoes I would be putting my energy and focus onto this young lady. 

[Lambert]

How is your relationship with your son? 

Do you have influence with him? 

If he knew you knew and you are willing to help them (if you are) will that make a difference? 

ps... I'm sorry.  this must have been a terrible shock and very upsetting.  I hope you have a loved one to talk to too 

[MikalJoyner]

22 minutes ago, Lambert said:

How is your relationship with your son? 

Do you have influence with him? 

If he knew you knew and you are willing to help them (if you are) will that make a difference? 

ps... I'm sorry.  this must have been a terrible shock and very upsetting.  I hope you have a loved one to talk to too 

I feel awful she doesn’t deserve that

[Lambert]

2 minutes ago, MikalJoyner said:

I feel awful she doesn’t deserve that

Aww I know. Did you tell him? 

[SooSad33]

He is 22. Both are still young and inexperienced.

Both will need time to work on accepting all of this.. give it time.  Hopefully he'll come around.

To keep the baby is her choice & he will have to accept the consequences.

This scenario reminds me of a tv show about such young parents ( teens with kids..I think it's called Unexpected). Some may make it, many do not 😕 .

So, now everyone involved shall have a huge change going on in their lives!

He needs to understand this whole situation.. I suggest you sit down with him & have a heart to heart talk. That you know about the baby and will support her best way possible, as should he.

If he does not have a job, he should find one, soon. Is part of responsibility.

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, MikalJoyner said:

 i believe how bad he was trying to manipulate this girl too abort my grandchild.I want to be in this child’s life 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately only this woman can decide what to do. It not up to your son or you.

Your only recourse in dealing with him is to tell him to move out on his own and work full time. They are both adults and need to do what they need to do.

If she feels harassed she can bring his communication to the police. If your son doesn't want to be a father, he doesn't have to be involved, but if she can prove paternity, he will have to pay child support for the next 18 years.

This woman should not have been contacting you. In fact, it's not his child or your grandchild until she requests a paternity test.

Don't communicate with her, just tell your son to be prepared in the event it's his and he needs to pay child support.

 

[Tinydance]

Well I understand this girl must feel very stressed out and maybe scared of his threats. Maybe that's why she reached out to you. I know they're young people but they are actually adults in their 20's.

If your son doesn't want to be involved with this girl or the baby then I don't necessarily think it was the right thing for her to contact you. Even if you forced him to be involved, he would be pushed into it rather than by his own choice. 

And with how strongly he feels that he doesn't want this, I doubt that his involvement would be much. I imagine he'd want to avoid it as much as possible. Still, I agree that his behaviour was deadbeat because he was actually harassing this girl trying to force her to have an abortion. I'm not sure if he just panicked but this is terrible behaviour.

Though if they weren't in a serious relationship but it was more hookup then this girl probably shouldn't have high expectations that he'd want to be involved. If she wants the baby herself then she can keep it and raise it on her own. 

If you would like to help her you can have a relationship with her and your grandchild. But I agree that first she needs to get a paternity test and prove your son is the father. You wouldn't want to be giving her money or gifts for the child for example if it's not your son's child.

[MikalJoyner]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I understand this girl must feel very stressed out and maybe scared of his threats. Maybe that's why she reached out to you. I know they're young people but they are actually adults in their 20's.

If your son doesn't want to be involved with this girl or the baby then I don't necessarily think it was the right thing for her to contact you. Even if you forced him to be involved, he would be pushed into it rather than by his own choice. 

And with how strongly he feels that he doesn't want this, I doubt that his involvement would be much. I imagine he'd want to avoid it as much as possible. Still, I agree that his behaviour was deadbeat because he was actually harassing this girl trying to force her to have an abortion. I'm not sure if he just panicked but this is terrible behaviour.

Though if they weren't in a serious relationship but it was more hookup then this girl probably shouldn't have high expectations that he'd want to be involved. If she wants the baby herself then she can keep it and raise it on her own. 

If you would like to help her you can have a relationship with her and your grandchild. But I agree that first she needs to get a paternity test and prove your son is the father. You wouldn't want to be giving her money or gifts for the child for example if it's not your son's child.

From the messages he told her to kill it because he wasn’t going to help or talk to her . He told her that she was keeping it so she could go around town telling others he’s a deadbeat. He told her was broke and she didn’t respond back to his irate messages other than that she was okay with being a single mom. I told her i wouldn’t force him to do anything but I’d be there for her if she’d let me. According to my son he has known for two months that she was pregnant

[MikalJoyner]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately only this woman can decide what to do. It not up to your son or you.

Your only recourse in dealing with him is to tell him to move out on his own and work full time. They are both adults and need to do what they need to do.

If she feels harassed she can bring his communication to the police. If your son doesn't want to be a father, he doesn't have to be involved, but if she can prove paternity, he will have to pay child support for the next 18 years.

This woman should not have been contacting you. In fact, it's not his child or your grandchild until she requests a paternity test.

Don't communicate with her, just tell your son to be prepared in the event it's his and he needs to pay child support.

 

I’m not forcing him to do anything 

[smackie9]

Communication is key in keeping relationships healthy. Have a talk with your son about it. Don't scold him in anyway, because he's an adult now and is responsible for his own actions. Your job raising him is done...he's a man, and he can make his own decisions. You can offer to help, but whatever he decides, he decides and accepts the consequences. He won't learn anything if you keep trying to catch him from falling. 

[boltnrun]

Was your son involved in a relationship with this woman? Or is she someone he had a one time casual sexual encounter with? Or something else?

[Andrina]

My older brother ended up being a deadbeat dad. My parents did not pay the lack of child support, but did do extra things besides regular gift giving like buying basketball shoes when their grandchild needed them for sports activities, etc. And they also regularly visited their grandchild and brought her on trips, all the while enforcing the mother's rule that the child not see her dad.

The mother never sought a divorce or child support at that time. Of course, nowadays, fathers will get their driver's license revoked amongst other penalties if they fail to pay.

I would probably try to stay out of it as little as possible until the baby is born and paternity is established. Always be aware of scams and the lengths people will go nowadays to commit them. 

[MikalJoyner]

56 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Was your son involved in a relationship with this woman? Or is she someone he had a one time casual sexual encounter with? Or something else?

He has been having sex with her for a year and 6 months 

[MikalJoyner]

58 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Was your son involved in a relationship with this woman? Or is she someone he had a one time casual sexual encounter with? Or something else?

My son speaks highly of this woman it’s just he wasn’t ready but neither one of them were using protection. He told me he stopped using condoms 3 months ago. But he isn’t ready to be a father. I don’t want to get in their business but i want to be in the child’s life especially if my son know it’s his and don’t deny the fact 

[Madlike]

16 minutes ago, MikalJoyner said:

My son speaks highly of this woman it’s just he wasn’t ready but neither one of them were using protection. He told me he stopped using condoms 3 months ago. But he isn’t ready to be a father. I don’t want to get in their business but i want to be in the child’s life especially if my son know it’s his and don’t deny the fact 

In what way would you be in the child’s life? Are you going to provide financial support?

[boltnrun]

I'm not sure how either of them didn't realize having unprotected sex would result in pregnancy.

Doesn't matter if "he isn't ready to be a father". The child can't go without food, clothing and medical care while your son decides if or when he's ready to be a father.

Does he have a job? If he doesn't, he'll need one ASAP to pay the child support he's legally required to pay once paternity is determined.

Does the woman say she is willing to allow you to have a relationship with your grandchild?

[MikalJoyner]

31 minutes ago, Madlike said:

In what way would you be in the child’s life? Are you going to provide financial support?

Yes i want to do my part. Because i want her to know that she has support even if my son isn’t there 

[MikalJoyner]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not sure how either of them didn't realize having unprotected sex would result in pregnancy.

Doesn't matter if "he isn't ready to be a father". The child can't go without food, clothing and medical care while your son decides if or when he's ready to be a father.

Does he have a job? If he doesn't, he'll need one ASAP to pay the child support he's legally required to pay once paternity is determined.

Does the woman say she is willing to allow you to have a relationship with your grandchild?

She hasn’t said much i do want her to be in her and the child’s life but my son still lives with me so she is hesitant 

[boltnrun]

Does your son have a job?

[MikalJoyner]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Does your son have a job?

Yes he has a great job 

[tattoobunnie]

All the grandparents my kids know, they love each other so much, and we regularly see and visit them.  Whether or not your son stays a deadbeat, you can still have a relationship if the mom is up for it. Congrats!!  My hubs dad was 18, and my mom was 20 when he had her brother.  Don't feel bad for your kid.  

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, MikalJoyner said:

Yes he has a great job 

Perfect, so he can easily afford child support.

He doesn't have to have a relationship with the child but he will have to comply with a child support court order. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, MikalJoyner said:

She hasn’t said much i do want her to be in her and the child’s life but my son still lives with me so she is hesitant 

The first thing that needs to happen before you worry about all this is that she needs to get a paternity test to prove your son is the father. If he is he will have to pay child support.

If she has the child and it is your son's, he can file for visitation. Keep in mind grandparents have no visitation rights, so it's completely up to her. So a great deal is up to her.

Don't worry about anything until the child is born and she petitions for a paternity test. In the meantime support your son and whatever stress he is having.  He is too young and unprepared to be a father if they do not even live together or agree on this issue.

[moodindigo91]

3 hours ago, MikalJoyner said:

he stopped using condoms 3 months ago. But he isn’t ready to be a father.

Well if he wasn't ready to be a father he shouldn't have stopped using condoms. I mean, what did he think would happen? 

How far along is she? If she is willing, there are non-invasive DNA pregnancy tests that can be performed during pregnancy after the pregnancy reaches a certain threshold. You don't necessarily need to wait until the birth to find out if your son is the father. 

I would recommend getting a paternity test before contributing financially to this woman but the decision is ultimately yours. I'm sure she'll welcome financial support, as I can't think of another reason why she would have contacted you.

I honestly would try remain as removed from the situation as possible. However, I also understand your desire to care for this child and the mother. If you really feel the need to be involved, then you should be level-headed and non-emotional. It sounds like you are already emotionally attached to this unborn child who may not even be biologically related to you.