How do I tell my ex that I don’t want to be with her in the future, and how do I tell my current gf about this without making her think I still had fe

[Julian27]

(Fake names for everyone)

So I’ll try to keep this as short as possible but it might ending up being long so I apologize for that. First to give a little backstory I (16m) was with Sarah (16f) from September 2021 to July 2022, she was my first gf and first love. She had to move cities in July, and we didn’t want to have a long distance relationship so we mutually decided to break up. Our relationship wasn’t entirely healthy and she was very dependent on me, and because I didn’t really know what relationships were supposed to be like I just reciprocated even though I know that I need a lot more space instead of being together or calling 24/7. Basically she thought I was “the one” for her and she talked a lot about meeting up in the future after high school and getting back together. I don’t think I was as into that as she was but I didn’t want to make her sad that soon before we had to break up so I almost convinced myself that that was what I wanted so I reciprocated everything she was saying and said all the stupid teenage bull*** like we’ll get married in the future and *** like that.

Well she ended up making an actual plan with me of meeting up at the end of high school and getting together again. At this point I wasn’t even lying to her cause I think I had convinced myself that that was what I wanted as well. Well once we broke up I was devastated for a week or two, but once the love was kind of gone, I stopped seeing the relationship through rose tinted glasses. I realized that there were a lot of times where I stayed in the relationship only because I didn’t know what to expect and because I was in love, but I started to realize that she wasn’t really a great person and not someone that I would want to be in a relationship with in the future.

During this time I hadn’t come to that conclusion yet and I was still trying to convince myself that I should be with her later. So near the beginning of September I started dating another girl Sophie (16f) because I had fully gotten over Sarah. I know this was probably a *** move since technically I still had that agreement with Sarah so a little while later I realized that I owed Sarah at least a text to say that I don’t want to be with her in the future. I have a really bad guilt complex so I’ve basically just been really scared to do it because I hate hurting people and I’ve procrastinated doing it all the way until now. I don’t want to go behind Sophie’s back to text my ex or anything like that so I know I need to tell her but what’s a good way of telling her that I need to send that and explain all this backstory without making her think that I still had feelings for my ex this whole time because I haven’t and I got over her more then a month before we started dating. And then I have no idea where to even begin with my text to Sarah cause I don’t want to bull*** but I also don’t want to completely devastate her because she wasn’t a great person in our relationship but she’s still not like a horrible person or anything.

Well that ended up being very long but any answers or advice would be much appreciated.

TLDR: told my ex we would get back together after our mutual breakup and now I know that I don’t want to be with her in the future, but I need to tell her this without making my current girlfriend think I still had feelings for her

[Julian27]

oops sorry the title got cut short it should be: How do I tell my ex that I don’t want to be with her in the future, and how do I tell my current gf about this without making her think I still had feelings for my ex when we first got together

[MissCanuck]

You don't need to explain anything to your ex or have any further contact with her. 

Her plan is borne out of a teenage fantasy. That's all it is. She won't stick to it. She is very young and hasn't grown enough to realize it's not realistic, but she will when she meets the next boy she wants to date. Then the plan will be forgotten. You don't owe her any sort of text, and you certainly don't owe her a plan to get together after high school. 

If she happens to get in touch with you, be respectful but firm that you are dating someone else and cannot remain in contact or get back together someday. Don't argue your point. State it, and be done. Then you will need to cut communication with her. 

[SooSad33]

Yup, I agree with above.  You are both young and just learning about yourselves, dating, your emotions, experiences, etc.

At this stage, none of that was true love.  It's infatuation with someone and some 'fantasy'.

You are no longer involved and you don't owe her anything anymore.

You move on now as you wish and I'm sure, in time, she will as well.  She'll get a crush on some other guy in her neck of the woods.

It happens.  We come to like someone, then that can die down and we realize they just weren't for us and things come to an end.

And yeah, end all contact with her now.  It's not needed.  Just be done.

 

 

[Kwothe28]

She, as well as you, is a teen. I would be surprised that in 2-3 years she remembers you at all, let alone some promise you made her in a typical teenage fashion. So, unless you still have some contact with her (which would be bad for your new girlfriend as it would look like that you want your last gf back), this is a non- troversy. You dont own her getting back together nore she doesnt own you anything after break up. You moved on, she would probably too. No need to invoke anything there.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Julian27 said:

How do I tell my ex that I don’t want to be with her in the future.

One line: "I'm with someone now and it's best if we sever things". Then delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Honesty is the best policy.

There's no such thing as some sort of pact that you have to get back together. 

[Batya33]

Please leave Sophie out of this and do not share this information with her. Nor should you type out such an important message to your ex. Just let it go.  If there is an actual plan time and place to meet up after high school and she texts you to confirm the plan then tell her then you're sorry you're not available to make the plan.  My sense is there was no actual time and place plan just a "we will see each other after graduation."  If that is the case it would be bizarre if Sarah follows up at all -if she does -in the future -simply tell her things changed over the last few years.  

[smackie9]

It was a silly plan. Everyone moves on with their life and life plans change. Don’t concern yourself with it. Focus on you and your GF. I agree this doesn’t need any conversation with either of them about it. Let it go. 

[jul-els]

You don’t explain anything to your ex. She’s your ex. You move on. 

[catfeeder]

If ex contacts you, reply only with a statement that you don’t want to remain in contact anymore.

Done.