Should I Cold Call?

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have insight into things. That is that there's a bit of 'rebel-without-a-cause' in you and that is the root of being an outlier. But you seem to be willing to accept that in order to stand your ground. That's ok. However it's hard to get on the same page with someone who marches to their own drummer, so dating will be difficult.

Interesting that you say that, Wise, Because about five years ago, a beloved therapist that I had, who has now since retired, said that I definitely “march to the beat of my own drum”. She was quite amused and charmed by that, and I ended up using that as part of my dating site profile… 🙂

But I also say on my dating profile that I don’t set out to be someone who is an outlier, that’s just kind of who I am. Despite that, I have given into societal norms on many occasions, before I got married, and before I dated this one girl, but as soon as I kind of started to be myself, they weren’t as interested. Long hair was almost at the root of that.  
 

Ironically, even when I had short hair, I wasn’t getting hits on my dating site profile. So, I don’t think cutting my hair is really going to be the answer.  I have a girly demeanor whichever way you wanna slice it, and I don’t mean that disrespectfully.

I actually appreciate and value my non-testosterone-like tendencies… But don’t get me wrong, once my intimate partners get to know me, I have an edge and the testosterone side certainly comes out… 🙂

As Bolt says, I’m trying to find all kinds of reasons not to try to contact this girl again, but at the end of the day, it’s a bit of a sign of disrespect to not get back to somebody who has written you a nice note, so I’m starting to wonder.

Of course, there could be 1 million reasons, and shyness or being timid could be part of that, or just not being in a good space could be a part of that… Those would be reasons for me to call her, because I can relate to those things.

I just can’t seem to find a path for my confused brain to land on.  Obviously, if there were a lot more choices around, that felt plausible, it would make that decision a lot easier.

[Batya33]

We have a cousin who is in his 50s and is a sometime musician and an avid music and vinyl fan. Won’t wear collared shirts for a job so he’s never worked anywhere for decent $. Now he’s his father’s caretaker. Thing is I’ve known him since the mid 90s and most of the time he has a girlfriend who is over the moon about him. They love the whole aging rocker thing it seems. His hair is really long and shaggy and frizzy and Cousin It like. He’s never used drugs and never drinks so that’s not his thing. He’s odd but is a very good hearted kind smart and funny person. Never married no kids yet. His current SO wants both and they’ve been together at least 6 or 7 years ?

I’m always a little surprised at what a woman magnet he is !  I mean I like him and my husband is close with him and my son thinks he’s great but I wouldn’t think he’d be this popular with the ladies !  You never know. 

[boltnrun]

One of the most attractive men I've ever met was my friend's husband. He has long wavy hair which he never really bothers combing, he's short, he doesn't really have any kind of fashion sense and he's hairy. But holy cow, his mind! His intelligence! His conversation skills! Not flirting but just his ability to knowledgeably converse about so many topics. I was blown away. His wife is a lucky lady.

If I could find a man with a mind like his I wouldn't care about his appearance. 

So, are you gonna call or not? Take the bloody shot or play it safe?

[waffle]

I don't understand why calling her is being debated when she lives far away and apparently has said before (according to social media?) that she's moving to a particular city and seemingly did not.  What is the point?  If you were going to ask her out to dinner that's one thing, but . . . ?

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Whirling D said:

As Bolt says, I’m trying to find all kinds of reasons not to try to contact this girl again, but at the end of the day, it’s a bit of a sign of disrespect to not get back to somebody who has written you a nice note, so I’m starting to wonder.

How else will you ever know if she even received the message?

If this lady was traveling, there's no guarantee that your note ever got through.

I've had plenty of people report having texted me yet never receiving a failure notice--but that doesn't mean I got the message.

You've been spinning and repeating, recounting your past and repeating, and trying to divine tea leaves and repeating. 

What have you got to lose by messaging or calling--and without even mentioning the message she may have missed?

It just doesn't neeeed to be such a big deal--the outcome will either be same as now, or better. Either way, what's to lose?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Whirling D said:

 I definitely “march to the beat of my own drum”. She was quite amused and charmed by that, and I ended up using that as part of my dating site profile… 🙂

Unfortunately there's a price for everything, including that.

Why have that on a dating profile? It's too open for interpretation, such as hard to get along with or selfish or unreliable.

Personally that would be a hard swipe left/deal breaker for me if I saw anything like that. Other cutesy stuff like "a work in progress" is another automatic no. Keep in mind, many people don't want the high maintenance  headache of someone who perceives themselves as a special snowflake.

Also this bit about the hair, who cares? If you like that Willy Nelson type of look, that's who you are, but again, everything has pros and cons.

[Whirling D]

Hey, all…

Update:

After a couple of weeks… I finally drank some serious coffee last night, gathered the courage, and called the girl I met at our gig.

What a surprise… She didn’t pick up, nor did she call back or text. Kind of a heartbreak, but what can you say. Life is full of them.

seems like a serious lost cause. Such a bummer.

I don’t know if I had mentioned, but I befriended a lady on a dating site… Pretty much the only one I have a friend and that seemed like a potential, but even that was a stretch… And we made a plan to get together last Thursday.

next…

I don’t know if I had mentioned, but I befriended a lady on a dating site… Pretty much the only one I have befriended that seemed like a potential, but even that was a stretch… And we made a plan to get together last Thursday.

On Monday, she messaged me and said that she would text me back the next day with the details as to where in her town an hour away we could meet.  Never heard from her.

Of course, I could have messaged her earlier in the date day to confirm, but I waited it out, and then finally messaged her in the late afternoon, and she didn’t respond until the next morning, at which point she said she was waiting for me to confirm, and I was waiting for her to confirm… Seemed kind of weak, but I could have certainly done the same thing. 

Then I asked her when we could reschedule, because she suggested it, and it took her 24 hours to respond, but finally she says… How about we wait until after Thanksgiving.

Truthfully, even that seemed like a turn off, because it kind of makes me think that she could take or leave getting together, and although that may be true for me as well, I’ve got no interest in waiting until after Thanksgiving to meet someone. It makes me feel like we wouldn’t be on the same page for dating. Plus, she lives an hour away, and seems to almost never respond quickly. Maybe those are red flags, maybe that’s my avoidance tactics, who knows. 

In the meantime, there is a lady near me that’s been on the dating sites, that I sent a random friend request to on Facebook probably about a year and a half ago. Every once in a while she’ll like something on my page, and I’ll like something on her page…

Later, she “liked” my dating profile probably about a year ago, and we chatted for a bit, but then she went silent and didn’t respond.

I saw her again on a different dating site about 10 days ago and sent her a like, and about a week later she liked mine as well.  So I sent her a message, but she’s not a subscriber, so I have no way of knowing if she even saw it.

I have no idea whether this girl has put it together that we are actually Facebook friends. I think she does, but I have no way of knowing.  

There are some issues cropping up with this girl that are making me a little anxious, but I’m actually interested to meet her. She’s a good chunk older than I am. She also seems way more “chic“ than I will ever be… she clearly vibrates at a much faster frequency than I do.  But we both have music in common… She says music is one of the most important things in her life. Both her kids are in bands, so that’s a very good commonality.

But the age thing… when you get to my age, even a six year difference can be quite big… She’s pushing 70. I just turned 60 a while ago.  That seems pretty big. I’m having a hard time processing that.

so, despite the hesitation, I sent her a message through Facebook telling her that it would be nice to say hi. She hasn’t responded or seen the message yet, from what I can tell.

i’ll just take it one step at a time… Try not to make a big deal of things, put all of my dysregulation away and try to maybe enjoy someone for a change?

As far as the “gig girl“. Seems like a lost cause. I almost feel like waiting a week and then texting her and say “what the heck? Why did you bother giving me your number if you weren’t going to allow me to use it?“ Not sure what that would accomplish, though.

ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, I suppose.

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

I almost feel like waiting a week and then texting her and say “what the heck? Why did you bother giving me your number if you weren’t going to allow me to use it?“

Please don't.

[Kwothe28]

17 hours ago, Whirling D said:

As far as the “gig girl“. Seems like a lost cause. I almost feel like waiting a week and then texting her and say “what the heck? Why did you bother giving me your number if you weren’t going to allow me to use it?“ Not sure what that would accomplish, though.

 

xD

Again, lots of people would just match with you or even give you number, even get on a date with you, without even wanting to be with you ever. Its just something that happens. In time you will realize its not such a big deal. Be thankful that you wont lose your precious time over somebody who is not interested in you.

Also, out of 3 of them, lady from the dating site seems like a  realistic "option". You should have sent the message to confirm the date. But, if she hasnt sent the message herself(because she said she would), its likely she isnt that much interested. Though you could at least get the date there maybe. 

[Whirling D]

So… The older dating site neighbor saw my Facebook messenger text and messaged me back… That’s a good thing!

If you recall, she is the one that I randomly friended on Facebook about a year and a half ago, and then she liked my dating profile, but then faded…

So, in my text to her on Friday I told her it would be nice to say hi… Her response was “love to, give me a text some night this week”.  She’s a lady of many words, clearly… 😊 I would have enjoyed bantering with her a bit, since I find that charming and flirtatious, but clearly that’s not how she rolls…

I’m feeling quite anxious, and truthfully, outclassed. Her Facebook page is filled with pictures of her happy family, and her smiling voraciously, around a lot of people, wearing very slick outfits, and lots of make up… she is extremely pretty, in a Vogue magazine kind of way… I can’t imagine she couldn’t attract any single guy that she ever wanted, and there’s no doubt she has had attention from guys all of her life. Ughhh.  There is no way this girl doesn’t get charmed every time she goes somewhere. Just no way.

I saw pictures from a wedding they went to a while back with her ex-husband… Who is a successful local contractor/developer, probably worth millions, and of course, he’s a tall broad-shouldered all American jock looking kind of guy. Nothing wrong with that, but historically, girls that like dudes like that will have nothing to do with a short long-haired effeminate balding fellow with no assets and little self-confidence…  😩😩

Part of me fears meeting this girl and really really liking her, only for her to say that, or maybe not even say but infer, that she just isn’t attracted, or feel that there is too much of a class and cultural difference. I doubt if she would actually tell me that.

I guess it would seem almost a bit snobby if that were the case, but I think that was the case with a couple of the girls that I dated… There just felt like there were cultural/class differences that made it hard for me to feel attraction. That does matter to some…. I think you have to kind of have similar values and be somewhat birds of a feather. I don’t know.
 

 If one person can afford nice clothes, and traveling around, and live a fairly active and energetic life, what’s the likelihood they would want to be with somebody who can barely afford to buy new shoes, and lives in a rundown old house out in the woods? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Don’t answer that… 🙂

[Batya33]

"Gotta be in it to win it."  Text her as she suggested.

[boltnrun]

"Owner of a lonely heart much better than owner of a broken heart..."

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Maybe she'd, I don't know, actually like YOU as a person?

[Whirling D]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

"Owner of a lonely heart much better than owner of a broken heart..."

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Maybe she'd, I don't know, actually like YOU as a person?

I certainly hope that she’ll just like me for whatever reason…

That hasn’t characteristically been the case with many women for most of my life, at least women that I think are interesting and attractive… There’s just too many alternatives… Tall, short haired wealthy men, to be specific.

I remember years ago, seeing Dr. Ruth Westheimer on a TV show take a question from a lady who was concerned that the guy she was seeing didn’t have any money. Oh, and I forgot to say poor in the last paragraph… 🙂 Dr. Ruth said, in her thick German accent, “why would you feel the interest in being with someone poor, when the world has plenty of men that are wealthy that would just as quickly snatch you up? You can choose to be with somebody poor, or you can choose to be with somebody that has money… Why would you choose poor?”

Judging by photos I see on this lady’s social media, she has to have some cash to wear that kind of clothes that she does, And live the lifestyle she does.  I don’t really yearn for that kind of lifestyle… Even though of her dating profile said she’s just looking for someone honest and outside the box… Well, that certainly does describe me, to a degree. But I only feel a little bit outside of the box, and in ways that aren’t considered desirable by local cultural norms. I feel almost more of a misfit than I do, what was the term she used… “ I find myself being attracted to an unconventional man, but grounded“.

I guess some could say that I’m grounded, whatever that actually means… Can someone be grounded and neurotic at the same time…  🙂

But, she read my dating profile on different sites and liked it on each one of them… But then disappeared. She has liked some of the things I’ve posted on my Facebook page, so she has access to the information I have on there… So she must have a little bit of an idea of what I’m all about, and have seen a bunch of pictures, at least if she’s looking. I have no idea what her interest is.

I kind of wondered what made her drop off the earth on the dating sites, if she actually might have been interested… She just stopped corresponding. Or, why she wouldn’t have picked it up on Facebook, if she was no longer subscriber to the dating site. Who knows. Try not to think about that stuff.

I think I will make tomorrow the day that I text her in the evening.

Tell me what you think about this idea for a first “date”, if I even want to think about it as a date… This might be a little much for a first encounter, and I may not offer this, but we live in the same neighborhood, so I thought about asking her if she is brave enough (although I may not use that word) to hop in my car and go for a ride to a town a half an hour from here that has a cute little diner for breakfast, and some thrift shops and art stores in the Square.  I bet that’s the kind of thing she would like.

That might be a little much for our first encounter, but, it’s getting colder out here, so there’s not much outside kind of thing we could do, although I’d like to go for a little bit of a walk in the countryside afterward, if it’s not freezing cold and she’s up for it.

other than that, all we could do is just sit in a coffee shop somewhere for half an hour, which is often not recommended because it can increase stress and anxiety, and doesn’t build any commonality other than sitting there looking at each other feeling stupid. I can hold my own in a conversation, but I may not be the life of the party. At least when you are out and about, you can kind of use your surrounding as a vantage point for conversation and for engaging. Sitting in a café, or a restaurant, makes it a little harder to do that. 
 
I just really have to try not to get my hopes up too much. It would certainly be another cliff to fall off if I get out and out rejected when I meet her.

ironically, it has been girls that I haven’t initially found to be all that interesting that I have ended up making the best impression on upon first meeting. That’s happened twice in my last three Relationships.  Since I felt that my attraction wasn’t quite as high in both of these cases, something compelled me to kiss them passionately at the end of the date, and that seemed to open up something for both of us that lead to something much greater. It was a bit of leap of faith on my part, and also a belief that I couldn’t get hurt quite as much if they rejected the advance, which they happily didn’t.

it could be considerably harder to make that kind of move with this girl, because she seems like a pretty high value kind of girl, and I think I will have a hard time being quite as alpha and assertive/aggressive. Both the previous girls seemed to thrive and appreciate that. I think it gave them the notion that I would be taking the lead and leaving nothing ambiguous. Little did they know that I was ambiguous from the start. It’s not something I was proud of, but in retrospect I’m glad that I was aggressive in those two cases.  Even though I am not with those partners any longer, I value the time I had with them and appreciate who they are still.

So…I never did respond when this latest gal said “text me in the evening one day this week“. Typically, someone would probably respond by saying… “Great, nice to hear from you, I’ll text you during the week“. I didn’t do that. Part of me wants to try to play cool and not seem as desperate as I probably am… 🙂 Do you think that’s a mistake? Should I have acknowledged her text? Or, will texting her tomorrow, which will be about 48 hours later, suffice? 

Thoughts on all of this?

 

 

[boltnrun]

Why would you think ignoring this woman (if she's over the age of 21 she's not a "girl") is a good idea?

Don't get so stuck on trying to figure out what a woman wants before you even meet her that you end up shooting yourself in the foot.

If I messaged a man asking him to contact me and he didn't I'd write him off as either not interested or a game player. 

Don't ignore. Respond. Not the second she messages you but at least the same day.

 

[Whirling D]

45 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why would you think ignoring this woman (if she's over the age of 21 she's not a "girl") is a good idea?

Don't get so stuck on trying to figure out what a woman wants before you even meet her that you end up shooting yourself in the foot.

If I messaged a man asking him to contact me and he didn't I'd write him off as either not interested or a game player. 

Don't ignore. Respond. Not the second she messages you but at least the same day.

 

Thanks, bolt… Well, that’s what I was kind of wondering… She did say text her in the evening one day this week, so technically I’m not ignoring her, but I am doing exactly what she said… I am just not responding to her responding…

Does that seem like ignoring?

 

 

[boltnrun]

How is "not responding" different from ignoring?

And why delay? Are you trying to appear or not appear a certain way? Why not be your legitimate self?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Whirling D said:

 I thought about asking her if she is brave enough  to hop in my car and go for a ride to a town a half an hour from here that has a cute little diner for breakfast

That's great. Just suggest meeting for coffee/lunch/whatever at a mutually convenient time and place. Women tend to be wary of "hopping in a car", so leave that part out. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's great. Just suggest meeting for coffee/lunch/whatever at a mutually convenient time and place. Women tend to be wary of "hopping in a car", so leave that part out. 

Yes-I rarely got in a car of a man I didn't know.

Please stop assuming from social media.  For all you know she has friends in the fashion industry who lend her clothes and photograph her.  

[boltnrun]

Also, your date idea sounds wonderful for a woman you have met in person and have known for a while. For a first date it's way too much. Not to mention, I too would not get into a car with a man I don't know. The standard meeting for coffee and dessert is a safer bet. Plus a greater chance she'll say yes. 

[Whirling D]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Also, your date idea sounds wonderful for a woman you have met in person and have known for a while. For a first date it's way too much. Not to mention, I too would not get into a car with a man I don't know. The standard meeting for coffee and dessert is a safer bet. Plus a greater chance she'll say yes. 

well, I suppose the notion of inviting her on a little outing was to present the idea that I can be spontaneous, fun, and provide an opportunity where you’re not just sitting across from each other anxious and awkward.

i’ve been trying to think of alternatives, and at this time of year, the only things seem to be coffee shops and restaurants… Booooooring.

as far as not responding to her to thank her for her text right after she texted On Sunday evening… I guess I’m also trying to do what a lot of resources have said… Not seem too eager… Not seem too desperate… Even though those things may have slight truth to them… 🙂 Maybe even to present some mystery…

It backfired with the online girl, Since I waited her out, and apparently she was waiting me out, as well, or just not paying that close attention to it…

The fact that I didn’t hear from her until I texted her after we were supposed to get together, tells me that maybe she’s just not that interested, or emotionally available, per se. And then to say… “Why don’t we just wait until after Thanksgiving“. To me those are kind of walking signs.  No, I have no interest in waiting until after Thanksgiving, two weeks from now. If I want to meet someone, I want to do it at the earliest possible time, not put it on the back burner. I don’t want to live my life that way.

I know, I’m probably making too much out of it, but I don’t want to chase anyone, but I also don’t wanna come across way too eager… 

I may be playing these wrong… I don’t know.

As far as the girl I’m supposed to text tonight… It feels very anxiety provoking to sit across from this girl and be looking face-to-face, rather than actually doing something together. I dread the thought of it. I’ve done it many times, and I’m sure I’ll be OK, but I’d like to be able to find something to do that’s not quite as face-to-face, at least for the first time. A walk outside would be great, but the weather is annoying right now for that.

ughhhh… I guess it’s time to put on the big boy pants.

 

[Whirling D]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes-I rarely got in a car of a man I didn't know.

Please stop assuming from social media.  For all you know she has friends in the fashion industry who lend her clothes and photograph her.  

Yeah, I doubt it. That’s just who she is. Very colorful and very slick. In so many ways, all the things I am not.

However, she obviously liked what I said on my dating site, and my photos, and what she says on her dating site kind of fits me. So, who knows.

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I guess I’m also trying to do what a lot of resources have said… Not seem too eager… Not seem too desperate… Even though those things may have slight truth to them… 🙂 Maybe even to present some mystery…I may be playing these wrong… I don’t know.

You could ask her what she would like to do/ could suggest a place. That could alleviate a lot your stress. It's better than coming up with these elaborate scenarios (hop in my car drive 30 min, to go to a thrift shop, etc.) that many women would dislike.

Just be yourself. When to try to 'play it', you're not present in the moment and that can come across as preoccupied or uninterested.

Try to avoid the pickup artist rubbish. Not sure this makes sense but don't try too hard to try too hard. You'll never win being a dating coach faux-creation rather than yourself.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Yeah, I doubt it. That’s just who she is. Very colorful and very slick. In so many ways, all the things I am not.

However, she obviously liked what I said on my dating site, and my photos, and what she says on her dating site kind of fits me. So, who knows.

 

It's just a huge mistake to conclude how "someone is" based on superficial social media photos -please don't date her if you've already prejudged her- not fair to her.

She liked what you wrote on your profile well enough for a first meet.  It doesn't mean she sees you as a match, etc - just keep your expectations reasonable, ok?

It reminds me -although fondly -how my colleagues assumed I'd be back at work approximately 4 days after giving birth -the thought that I'd want to be a SAHM and had planned for it as an option for years never occurred to them because of who they thought I was. (I took it as a professional compliment).  

[DarkCh0c0]

12 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

i’ve been trying to think of alternatives, and at this time of year, the only things seem to be coffee shops and restaurants… Booooooring.

Or a walk in the park?

I mean these options are safe for us women. You need to know someone to go on adventures with them too. Imagine you go on a hike with a woman on a first date, and then she confesses she's a serial killer OR she dislikes all things LGBTQ... That would be a tough one to leave mid-hike!

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Or a walk in the park?

I mean these options are safe for us women. You need to know someone to go on adventures with them too. Imagine you go on a hike with a woman on a first date, and then she confesses she's a serial killer OR she dislikes all things LGBTQ... That would be a tough one to leave mid-hike!

I didn't see where he said he was LGBTQ (the other thread /poster said he was bi- were you confusing the threads?)

Love the idea of a walk in the park.