Should I Cold Call?

[boltnrun]

How old is your daughter? Do you have regular scheduled visitation with her?

[Whirling D]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How old is your daughter? Do you have regular scheduled visitation with her?

She is 14, and I share 50/50 custody with her mother.

it’s a good arrangement, and to some degree, her mother and I work well to raise her. That’s a whole other saga however, for sure… 🙂

i’ve had people suggest that I should move back to my hometown, but I don’t think I could ever do that to her, or myself. They have said that I am better off somewhere where I can be happy, even if it means leaving my kid behind. I’m not sure I’m buying that, though. I could never go somewhere where she is not, unless she goes off to college somewhere else, etc., etc., etc.  I’m doubtful she will do that, though. But, who knows.

 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

She is 14, and I share 50/50 custody with her mother.

it’s a good arrangement, and to some degree, her mother and I work well to raise her. That’s a whole other saga however, for sure… 🙂

i’ve had people suggest that I should move back to my hometown, but I don’t think I could ever do that to her, or myself. They have said that I am better off somewhere where I can be happy, even if it means leaving my kid behind. I’m not sure I’m buying that, though. I could never go somewhere where she is not, unless she goes off to college somewhere else, etc., etc., etc.  I’m doubtful she will do that, though. But, who knows.

 

I sincerely doubt you'd feel good about leaving your daughter just so you can date. Yes, you are as deserving of happiness as anyone else. But would it be worth giving up your daughter?

How far away is the nearest city or location where you feel there would be more like minded people to socialize with? I'm in a part of the US where we don't bat an eyelid at driving an hour or more to get somewhere. Would you be willing to expand beyond your immediate area to meet people?

[boltnrun]

PS: I know a woman who gave up custody of her three children because her boyfriend wanted her to move in with him and her kids didn't want to move counties and change schools. She was actually surprised that her kids were having problems and that they were acting angry with her. She told me she didn't understand why. Well, duh!

Your kids are forever. So if you can expand your dating to a bit further from where you're currently living maybe that would work.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

But what’s really the point of doing that if you don’t expect to ever hear from them or see them again? Is it in the one and 1000 chance that they’ll actually contact you?

I would never ever contact a person who prepared that sort of card to distribute. So creepy. 

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would never ever contact a person who prepared that sort of card to distribute. So creepy. 

I don't know if it's creepy, but it definitely would come across as desperate. Like someone who doesn't care about anything except that the woman has a pulse. 

Hold yourself to higher value (to use your term), OP. Don't just throw stuff against a wall hoping some of it sticks. Same with dating apps, don't swipe right on every single profile. Be selective.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

i’ve had people suggest that I should move back to my hometown, but I don’t think I could ever do that to her, or myself. 

It's doubtful that would make you any happier or more successful with dating. They have 'county fairs' in the US, but you would have to go to more rural areas. Where people have tractors rather than boats in the yard and may sport longer hair, but there's no guarantee as to the shoulder width of people anywhere you go. There is an dating app called "farmers only" but you may not like it.

[Whirling D]

Hi again… Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving here in the US.

Just got back from three days in Canada and had a blast.

Not surprisingly, I met a couple of ladies that could easily steal my heart up there… But they’re not down here. I was even able to find one of them on social media, but she lives 3 1/2 hours from here in Canada. Don’t know why I would even be thinking about it.

But I still can’t wrap my head around the lady in my neighborhood who is six years older than I am… She initially seemed really interested… We exchanged messages… Then she disappeared.  I don’t get it.

i’ve been wondering what to do about it. Part of me thinks that if her interest is that low, or if she’s that busy, I need to just let it go and set my bar higher than that.

On the other hand, there are women that like guys that are a bit more pursuant. If I let it go and ignore her, could it possibly send her a message that I’m not interested? After all, it was me that sent the last message, and it involved questions, so for her to not answer makes it pretty clear that the ball is in her court to respond.  She’d have to have rocks in her head to think that I am not interested.  I think just by reaching out and cold messaging a couple of weeks ago makes that pretty clear.

Confusingly, I changed my Facebook profile picture yesterday with a new selfie, and so far I have about 20 people who “like“ my new photo, but oddly, she was the only single person of the 20 that left the ❤️ emoji rather than a 👍. I feel pretty stupid that I actually notice stuff like this and actually wonder about it. I suppose there are just people in this world that are a lot more forward with stuff like that… Some who give thumbs up likes and others that give heart likes.

Still, it feels like I’m getting mixed messages… She ghosts me, but she puts heart emojis on my new selfie?  Sigh.

So I guess I’m at a point where I have to decide whether I’m going to reach back out to her, or be firm with the idea that it’s really up to her to make the next move, since she didn’t answer my last message.

Thoughts?

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Whirling D said:

Still, it feels like I’m getting mixed messages… She ghosts me, but she puts heart emojis on my new selfie?  Sigh.

No mixed messages and no ghosting.  She doesn't want to go on a date with you right now. You made your interest in taking her on a date very clear. She might be interested in clicking on you on social media or chatting.  If she promised to meet you and didn't show up at the appointed place and time with no explanation that's closer to "ghosting"

I'm glad you had fun on your trip!  We just returned from a 6-day road trip and visited 3 different states.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Whirling D said:

 since she didn’t answer my last message.Thoughts?

You're FB friends. That's it. Your last message to her was all about you and therefore nothing to respond to.

You've never met, never asked her out or shown any interest in her life. Just "what a drag moving is, good luck with that!".

Keep this on the back burner as FB acquaintances. Don't keep messaging her. She knows how to reach you. She has friends, family, just moved, has a busy full life so the occasional emoji reaction or message is just passing time.

[Batya33]

I did a heart emoji on a post of someone I dated in 2005 and have kept in touch with -and I've set him up with a number of people over the years and introduced him to a male relative given their shared interest in an athletic activity..  He is in his late 50s.  We met through a dating site but have several mutual friends and acquaintances.  I think I was the only one to do a heart instead of a like so far.  That's because he posted about his mom who is close to 100 and suffers from dementia and how she does remember certain things and how he is so overjoyed she is able to . Touched my heart, hence the heart emoji.  He is single, always has been and has a fairly big ego so I could see him taking it the wrong way.  Oh well -it's fine - it's just an emoji and just social media.

[Whirling D]

Wise, I disagree that my note was all about me. I asked her where she was moving.  I asked her if she was psyched about her new digs.  I basically told her that I could empathize with moving being a big drag.  I think it was reasonably balanced. A reasonable person would not think anything other than the note was sweet and conversational. That’s my opinion on it.

I see this morning that she was on the dating site yesterday, after having not been on it for a while, so it seems. That’s a bummer… Because it shows that she still has time to look for others but not to respond to me, which brings me back to the same old stupid assessment. It’s the way I look that is not getting the attention with her.

Why bother even liking my dating profile and telling me that she would love to talk in real time? I’d be better off ghosted.  She isn’t doing me any favors.

As for using the heart emoji on my new selfie… It seems odd to do that after ghosting someone that has already reached out to you. If it were me, that would be a continued indication of interest.

On my long drive yesterday, I thought about the idea of just laying it out on the table… “ Hi so-and-so… I hope you had a great Thanksgiving with family and friends… I’m a little confused that you and I seem to bounce off of each other here and there, but then it hits a dead end… It would be nice to meet for a coffee. If you are not interested in the potential of dating, please tell me so I can look elsewhere“

i’ve watched videos recently that suggest that putting things out on the table like that can sometimes be attractive to women. It shows you know what you want and where you want to go. I wouldn’t necessarily phrase it just like this, and I doubt that’s what I will do, but I’m still thinking about it.

as wise has said, I think I’m just going to move on. She should know my interest level, and it’s really up to her to get back to me, since it’s her turn in the chain.

Unless I should be more aggressive/assertive?

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I thought about the idea of just laying it out on the table… “ Hi so-and-so… I hope you had a great Thanksgiving with family and friends… I’m a little confused that you and I seem to bounce off of each other here and there, but then it hits a dead end… It would be nice to meet for a coffee. If you are not interested in the potential of dating, please tell me so I can look elsewhere“

Please don't send this. You never even met or asked her out. You're free to "look elsewhere" now.  You both are. If you send anything, edit the heavy talk and finally invite her to something.

[Whirling D]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't send this. You never even met or asked her out. You're free to look elsewhere now. 

Probably wouldn’t be the worst thing to do.  
 

Well, I think it could be clearly inferred with my first message to her that I was interested in either talking on the phone or getting together. I didn’t use those exact words, but it was pretty clear. Her response was “love to, give me a message later in the week“.  

I’m starting to wonder if perhaps she misunderstood something I said, and was a bit turned off… We were supposed to have our first snowfall, and I wrote “ have you got your galoshes ready? We can run but we can’t hide!“  meaning the weather.

her response was “no I am not running like the gingerbread man… So sorry… I’m still in the middle of moving and it’s been quite more of an undertaking than I thought“

When I first read that, I got the feeling she thought that I might be saying that she was running from me… Hence the… “So sorry”  and but then “talk real soon“. Those are not the words of someone that seems like they are blowing you off. Yet, I sit here feeling blown off and somewhat heartbroken, because it always seems to end the same. Either ghosted or ignored. That’s not a good feeling for someone that has struggled all their adult life with connecting with people down here.

it’s almost strange that I can spend three days somewhere else and feel connected to people in so many different ways, and then come back and feel completely isolated.

I often wonder if it might be my imagination and willful thinking to believe that when I go up to Canada that people are different. I don’t think so. I think there’s a huge difference between urban people, like in the Northeast, and small town people… Almost regardless of where you are.

I think small town people tend to learn to value the few people that they encounter on a regular basis. Unlike when you get back towards a city, and it’s kind of a rat race with people everywhere. I noticed myself feeling that as I was getting closer to home… 5 million cars everywhere, people getting upset with you on the road because you’re not going fast enough, or something stupid like that. It’s not like that up there. 

Even one of the ladies that I met up there, was the assistant manager at the border crossing place… Absolutely lovely. I lingered around a bit and found a reason to go over and say hi, and we chatted for quite a while. I was able to find out later who she is and probably how to contact her, and if I didn’t have rocks in my head, I would probably do it. Nothing ventured nothing gained.  But what’s the point?  She lives 3 1/2 hours away.

I just don’t encounter women like that down here. Sweet. Pretty. Smart. Engaged. Interested in talking with me. That’s just not what I see down here, hardly ever.

I have no way of knowing whether a girl like this would be interested in me up in Canada, or not, and that just could be because people up there are cultured to be friendly and attentive… There’s no way to know, because I haven’t lived there since I was 17. I do know that everywhere has a different variety of people, and it was no different when I was growing up in Canada… I still felt like some what of an outsider as a kid. Still, I was able to make friends and attract a girl or two growing up, which is a far cry from the last 30 years here.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

So sorry… I’m still in the middle of moving and it’s been quite more of an undertaking than I thought“

Agree. All this sidestepping and banter with zero actions/invitations/offers to be friendly and lend a hand on your part was turning her off. That's why now that she is settled she's back on dating apps. Just backburner her. Be FB friends and leave it.

[Whirling D]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. All this sidestepping and banter with zero actions/invitations/offers to be friendly and lend a hand on your part was turning her off. That's why now that she is settled she's back on dating apps. Just backburner her. Be FB friends and leave it.

I think it would be hugely presumptuous of her to assume that I would be willing or even offered to help.  If you don’t know someone, you have no idea whether they have time or the capacity to help with something large like that. I certainly wouldn’t be offended or turned off if I said I was moving add a new friend didn’t offer to help.

I do wish that I felt a little bit more assertive in that regard, and I do wish I would have offered… But if she is turned off by the fact that I didn’t offer, I think that’s a bit of a red flag right there.  One can’t expect, whether boy or girl, that someone they’ve never met is going to offer to help, and if they do, they are likely just empty words.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

“ Hi so-and-so… I hope you had a great Thanksgiving with family and friends… I’m a little confused that you and I seem to bounce off of each other here and there, but then it hits a dead end… It would be nice to meet for a coffee. If you are not interested in the potential of dating, please tell me so I can look elsewhere“

No, no, no. And no.

This passive aggressive message implies she had agreed to some kind of date or dating situation with you and isn't following through.  She didn't agree to a date (possibly because you didn't actually ask her on one!).  It sounds very presumptuous and, frankly, off-putting. 

This approach, despite what PUA or "dating coach" websites might tell you, is a turn off. It sounds like "You! Woman! You will go on date with me!"  I don't know why these PUA sites seem to think women are turned on by this, because I can assure you me and my friends are not.

I also don't agree you should have offered to help her move.  A simpler "If you need anything feel free to let me know" is better.

I would let a week or so pass and then send a friendly BRIEF message.  Not flirty.  Friendly.  Something like "I hope the move went well.  I'd love to meet up with you over coffee soon.  Are you available next week?"

[waffle]

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

. . . I was able to make friends and attract a girl or two growing up, which is a far cry from the last 30 years here.

And yet you have a 14-year-old daughter.  How did that happen?  

[Batya33]

I never felt ghosted or much of anything by strangers from a dating site who didn't ask for a first meet or asked but didn't follow up with time/place.  I did have one guy sort of go MIA after 4 dates.  We had a nice time, I likely would have seen him again (although I wasn't over the moon).  After date 4 he kissed me goodnight and waited with me for my train and asked me to call him to tell him I got home safely.  I did -left a message and he never called again.  A year or so later something reminded me of that situation so I googled him. He died of colon cancer (early 40s) and I actually remembered he didn't look "well" when we met -skin tone was kind of pasty etc.  Very very sad. I was pretty sure it had to do with the lack of follow up.  

Another time I had a fantastic first meet with a guy who was divorced.  He'd gone MIA the first time he contacted me on the site and months later contacted me again and wanted to meet.  He said he would  call to plan a date.  I think he then emailed me to say he couldn't plan anything then he called me - I was on another call and quickly switched to him and told him so.  He said or emailed -did I want to know why he couldn't plan another date? If so to call him.  I mean -really who cares? Someone I met once? That was my attitude. Dating requires a thick skin and stress and frustration at times.  It was worth it to me because of my goals.

[Whirling D]

17 minutes ago, waffle said:

And yet you have a 14-year-old daughter.  How did that happen?  

Well… She is a miracle kid, for sure. In the old days, they were called test two babies… 🙂

i’ll tell you a story about what my daughter’s mother, and my ex-wife, said to me upon our parting days… She said that when we met, she thought I was the nicest person she had ever known, and she did and said whatever she could to coerce me into marrying her.

It’s not that she is diabolical, as it may seem, although that could be argued… It’s that she was insecure enough, and was in a hurry enough to make things happen, that she pretty much changed her personality in order to impress me.  She actually said that to me multiple times before she left.

there are a lot of reasons that people might do something like this, and I certainly don’t hold it against her, but one might wonder how someone like me could rebound from something like that, after expecting that a marriage would last if both were willing to work at it.  So much for that idea.

it’s almost weird as I retell some of these stories how I haven’t gotten to a point of jumping off a bridge yet.

 

[Whirling D]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I never felt ghosted or much of anything by strangers from a dating site who didn't ask for a first meet or asked but didn't follow up with time/place.  I did have one guy sort of go MIA after 4 dates.  We had a nice time, I likely would have seen him again (although I wasn't over the moon).  After date 4 he kissed me goodnight and waited with me for my train and asked me to call him to tell him I got home safely.  I did -left a message and he never called again.  A year or so later something reminded me of that situation so I googled him. He died of colon cancer (early 40s) and I actually remembered he didn't look "well" when we met -skin tone was kind of pasty etc.  Very very sad. I was pretty sure it had to do with the lack of follow up.  

Another time I had a fantastic first meet with a guy who was divorced.  He'd gone MIA the first time he contacted me on the site and months later contacted me again and wanted to meet.  He said he would  call to plan a date.  I think he then emailed me to say he couldn't plan anything then he called me - I was on another call and quickly switched to him and told him so.  He said or emailed -did I want to know why he couldn't plan another date? If so to call him.  I mean -really who cares? Someone I met once? That was my attitude. Dating requires a thick skin and stress and frustration at times.  It was worth it to me because of my goals.

So… Did you end up calling him back to find out? 🙂

being ghosted wouldn’t likely matter to me as much, if I had lots of opportunities surrounding me. I don’t. I never have. I don’t expect I ever will. That makes me feel defective, in relation to attracting women.  How many stories have I already told?  There are probably just as many more.
 

One can only hear and experience negative stories so much before they start to believe what they are hearing.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Whirling D said:

So… Did you end up calling him back to find out? 🙂

being ghosted wouldn’t likely matter to me as much, if I had lots of opportunities surrounding me. I don’t. I never have. I don’t expect I ever will. That makes me feel defective, in relation to attracting women.  How many stories have I already told?  There are probably just as many more.
 

One can only hear and experience negative stories so much before they start to believe what they are hearing.

But these are strangers! I wrote I did not call as I did not care.  I knew I hadn't offended him.  I chose not to let the negatives stop me from reaching for my goals -not to react by becoming cynical.  I had to double down at times in my efforts not to react this way so I had a number of ways to stop reacting to dating-related disappointments by having a generalized negative mindset or resorting to stereotyping "men".  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I do wish that I felt a little bit more assertive in that regard, and I do wish I would have offered… But if she is turned off by the fact that I didn’t offer, I think that’s a bit of a red flag right there.

Just be FB friends. It seems like a little to little a little to late if there even was a chance in the first place. She would probably not have taken you up on the offer, of course. But is shows some character and better than "Thank god I don't have to move!" 

Overall you seem to get stuck in your head with all these relationship talks, scenarios, etc. but seem to get stalled out with banter that really goes nowhere. So work on that rather than assume it's your hair or how evil you assume cityfolk are. You live there so you'll have to find away to adapt to your environment.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Whirling D said:

her response was “no I am not running like the gingerbread man… So sorry… I’m still in the middle of moving and it’s been quite more of an undertaking than I thought“

I don't see the big deal, or why you'd interpret this as some big blow off.

Not running like a gingerbread man--she's referring to not wanting to wear galoshes.

Middle of a move--busy, strenuous and not a great time right now.

What's so offensive about this or hard to understand? How long has it been?  

I've had to put plenty of people on some rather long delays while I've moved or written a thesis or completed a major work deadline or went on travels.

If I ever suspected that I'd turned someone cynical by doing that, then of course I'd never want to date him. So don't send anything close to your on-the-table comments. Just back off, OR, be nice and check in lightly, but it makes no sense to lament and bemoan a pause from a stranger.

Head high, and staaapp drilling yourself into a deeper mental hole to climb out of.