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Should I Cold Call?


Whirling D
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I was comfortable being single too and also was always honest with myself that marriage and family were two of my top three life goals.  I think you're a very good writer.  I think you use big words/psychobabble type words and broad concepts -stated in a very eloquent way -to justify staying in your comfort zone.  I like how Boltnrun put it.  

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16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was comfortable being single too and also was always honest with myself that marriage and family were two of my top three life goals.  I think you're a very good writer.  I think you use big words/psychobabble type words and broad concepts -stated in a very eloquent way -to justify staying in your comfort zone.  I like how Boltnrun put it.  

Thank you. I don’t think in terms of trying to use big words and psychobabble. That’s just my language, I suppose. These are the things I’m interested in… For better for worse… 🙂

I like what Boltnrun said as well, but for some of us, it is much easier said than done.  I’ve gone outside of my comfort zone multiple times in the last year, for a long while, really, and it has produced almost nothing that has worked well. I either chose partners I knew were problematic, or I got ghosted. I’m tired of it, I guess.

 

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27 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Thank you. I don’t think in terms of trying to use big words and psychobabble. That’s just my language, I suppose. These are the things I’m interested in… For better for worse… 🙂

I like what Boltnrun said as well, but for some of us, it is much easier said than done.  I’ve gone outside of my comfort zone multiple times in the last year, for a long while, really, and it has produced almost nothing that has worked well. I either chose partners I knew were problematic, or I got ghosted. I’m tired of it, I guess.

 

Many things are easier said than done which is why I made the comment I did - I love the way you write and I think you hide behind language.  At times.  I do things outside my comfort zone constantly.  It's hard.  I do it when it's either part of my job or worth the goal.  I had to do it countless times to find a husband and have the opportunity to start a family.  I produced no results over and over again.  Yesterday I had to do something incredibly hard as a parent and was still second guessing myself this morning.  Total rock and hard place.  So I live it regularly.  It's up to you and your priorities.  

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Anything worth having is difficult. I don't think any of us told you it would be "easy".

Thing is, you're miles ahead of some of the other posters on here. You've been married and had dating relationships. So you must have succeeded in some fashion in attracting partners.

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Anything worth having is difficult. I don't think any of us told you it would be "easy".

Thing is, you're miles ahead of some of the other posters on here. You've been married and had dating relationships. So you must have succeeded in some fashion in attracting partners.

True… But I have never felt it was the “right“ partner. Not that I expect anyone ever will be perfect, but I’ve gotten to a point where I think I need to prioritize dating people that are like-minded and have similar interests. It just hasn’t worked otherwise.

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3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

It might just yield in the same old same old… Depressed and brokenhearted.

But why go straight to this ending without even trying. Your text mentioned "getting to know her", and nothing else to respond to, but then you won't even try calling for a follow up. 

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OK… Let’s do some hypotheticals, if you’re willing to help me with this…

 

OK… Let’s do some hypotheticals, if you’re willing to help me with this…

If I was to continue trying to move forward with the gig lady that I texted on Saturday, does it really matter how I try to move forward, whether I text her again or call?

what in the heck would I even say to her, if I did text, or even if I actually got her on the phone… “Hi, I know you didn’t answer me, but I wanted to be assertive anyway…“ 🤣

How do you follow up a ghost?

I think when I write on here it is a stream of conscious, and it reflects the anxiousness I have felt since going outside of my comfort zone and reaching out to this lady. If anything, it’s a way to unleash it, I’ll be it in a public way, and get some reflection from others as to what you are seeing or hearing.

so what could I even say to this lady? If she doesn’t respond, is there really any good reason to follow it up?

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But why go straight to this ending without even trying. Your text mentioned "getting to know her", and nothing else to respond to, but then you won't even try calling for a follow up. 

For context, and at risk of violating her privacy, here’s exactly what I said in my opening text…

“Hi there, did you survive your high decibel blast from last night? 🙂 (A reference to her watching my band)

when are you back to the cheese state? (A reference to where she is from, Since she had been visiting for the week)

Thank you for chatting last night.  It would be nice to know you.

Plus… Any girl that knows almost all the words to every song that we play can certainly make my heart skip a beat or two… Just sayin’…  😊😊

I hope you have a nice week…

Dervish

😊😊🎶🎶😊😊

so that’s what I wrote in my text. Nothing heavy, but clearly stating interest, and a bit of silliness at the same time… That’s pretty much how I conveyed myself when I met her, as well.

do you think I revealed too much in this text?

 

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5 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

“Hi, I know you didn’t answer me, but I wanted to be assertive anyway…“

"Hi, this is Whirl, I'd like to know if you'd like to go for [coffee, drink walk, whatever] this weekend?", is much better.

If you want "hypotheticals": If you refuse to even try you'll lose 100% of the time. If you at least try you have a chance at breaking your depressing losing streak. 

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Hello. This is W, we met the other night at the gig. How was your trip home?

<She responds>

That's great (or, oh no, sorry to hear that!). I'm glad you got home safely. Hey, so I would really like to continue our conversation over coffee or dessert. Or both. Would you like that?

Do not reference the unanswered text. No need for that.

And no, she didn't "ghost" you. She didn't respond, but that's not ghosting unless it was in the middle of an ongoing conversation or you two had been on a couple of dates.

To quote M from the Bond films...take the bloody shot!!

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You know… With another 24 hours under my belt, I’m almost wondering if it’s even worth it to try again with this girl.

I do get the idea that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, but I’ve already taken two very admirable steps in this case… Actually, three steps. I had the nerve to walk up to these ladies and interact in a positive and fun way… I took the shot to ask her for her number enthusiastically and politely, and then I wrote her a nice text, to which she hasn’t responded.

From what I read, a lot of girls do this. They get a lot of attention, and for their own reasons that are often unexplainable, they just don’t respond.  Maybe they want the guy to chase more, maybe she’s not interested.  All I know is that I would never not respond to somebody who kindly wrote something nice to me like that. Although, I don’t get a lot of people, or any people for that matter, writing me texts like that.

it’s true I have not responded to people who wrote to me on dating sites, and I feel embarrassed that I haven’t at least thanked them for their interest.  I suppose that’s almost expected to happen on dating sites, but in real life? I guess that means dating sites aren’t real life? 🙂

That makes me wonder if there’s any sense in reaching out again. The only case in which it might make sense is if she didn’t get the text, or she’s just not in a great space, which is entirely possible… 
 

Now that I think of it, I have had good friends in the past that had left me voicemails after years of not seeing them, and I just wasn’t in a great space and never called them back. I always felt terrible for that. I just didn’t have the courage and confidence to talk to them at that point.

I got this feeling, even from talking to her that night, that something might be going on in her life that’s troubling. She mentioned that one of her sons doesn’t speak to her, and that she’s moving from where she grew up to be with her best friend near here, even though her three kids are back in her state halfway across the country?  
 

Yes, I did get a sense something might be going on with her. She mentioned selling her house and moving in temporarily with her friends near here.  Sounds like a big step. I would have talked with her more about it, and she seemed interested in talking about it, but my band mates were literally calling at me through the PA to get back to work.  Ughh.

So the conundrum remains… Are there too many red flags? Or do I give it one more shot to see what happens? Clearly, the best method would be to just give her a call and leave her a message if she doesn’t pick up. 

There also could be some thing said about being persistent. In the likelihood she doesn’t pick up or answer if I call, I could wait a few weeks and try again. That may be in a few months. Until I either get a solid rejection, or I run out of interest in doing so.  Is that too much?

Thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do get the thought

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I wasn't chasing men when I suggested a first meet or asked a man out nor was he chasing me.  Chasing in asking someone out more than once when the answer is NO.  

I wouldn't go even a baby step down the path of analyzing a stranger.  People start relationships when lots of stuff is going on, decline to when nothing is going on and everything in between.  My husband and I reconnected and got back together when he was then living in another city, when I was working crazy hours full time, when he'd recently broken up with a girlfriend.  No I was not a rebound.  If I am I'm a 17 year rebound.  But I remember making out with a guy when I was very single at an Anti Valentine Day Party (we all wore black) - just kissed etc. I knew for sure I would never go on a date with him because of his religious beliefs.  I didn't ask him if he was interested in dating me -it was just a kiss at a party late at night. 

I had situations where I provided my last name as part of a conversation at an event, and mentioned my boyfriend, and the man still looked up my number and called to ask me out. Who knows -maybe he didn't hear boyfriend mentioned maybe he didn't care.  I had men enthusiastically say they were going to call me, and/or suggest "let's go to a movie next weekend" or "I'd like to see you again!" and never called.  Blip on the radar - part of dating, no analysis necessary.  The guy who said "let's see [actual movie name] next weekend.  I called him to follow up -I was so into him even from one date. He said yes but lackadaiscally. He showed up and it was obvious he was lukewarm about me although he'd actually referenced engagement in a joking way on our first date which was a week earlier. 

Who knows? Last I checked he's been happily married for years.  All I will assume is he was not that into me despite being interested on the first meet- to me unless there was a time/place plan for a date there was no date and insufficient interest in dating me. 

Didn't look for signs, didn't analyze -who has that sort of time if the goal is a long term relationship? Anyway if I would have done so I risked being jaded.  I was not jaded or bitter even after 24 years of dating and therefore was ready to reconnect with my future husband in a positive, open, joyous way and I felt "at home" with him right away.  I wish the same for you.  It takes lots of internal self-talk and creating a fun fulfilling life outside of dating but to me anyway it's so worth it.  And good for your stress level and blood pressure. 

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1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

… Are there too many red flags?

Yes, with this added information about telling you her troubles. Why not sit  back refocus, reframe and reflect. If she ever contacts you fine, if not fine. Take a deep breathe and let go of this or any specific outcome of it. That way you can use this as courage to talk with the ladies at your next gig.

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49 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You're talking yourself out of calling out of fear.

So, don't call. Stay just as you are, don't take risks and keep yourself safe from potential rejection.

I appreciate your encouragement, but isn’t one rejection from her, or a lack of responding, enough to get the hint?

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, with this added information about telling you her troubles. Why not sit  back refocus, reframe and reflect. If she ever contacts you fine, if not fine. Take a deep breathe and let go of this or any specific outcome of it. That way you can use this as courage to talk with the ladies at your next gig.

It was really just one little tidbit she mentioned with a sad look on her face. Not enough to really go on. It just makes me presume maybe she might be running away from something that is troubling to her. Might be.
 

Actually, a couple of years on her Facebook page she had a picture of her in another city and was saying that she was about to move there. I don’t believe she ever did. 

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9 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I appreciate your encouragement, but isn’t one rejection from her, or a lack of responding, enough to get the hint?

This is more of you talking yourself out of calling.

Look, if playing it safe and not wanting to reach for what you want works for you, far be it for me to try to talk you out of it.  

Sure, she could send your call to voice mail and never call you back, or she could say "no, thanks" to meeting for coffee, or she could say she's already dating someone, or she could tell you she hates you and wishes you would just fall off the planet...or she could say "that sounds great, I could do Thursday after work". 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I wasn't chasing men when I suggested a first meet or asked a man out nor was he chasing me.  Chasing in asking someone out more than once when the answer is NO.  

I wouldn't go even a baby step down the path of analyzing a stranger.  People start relationships when lots of stuff is going on, decline to when nothing is going on and everything in between.  My husband and I reconnected and got back together when he was then living in another city, when I was working crazy hours full time, when he'd recently broken up with a girlfriend.  No I was not a rebound.  If I am I'm a 17 year rebound.  But I remember making out with a guy when I was very single at an Anti Valentine Day Party (we all wore black) - just kissed etc. I knew for sure I would never go on a date with him because of his religious beliefs.  I didn't ask him if he was interested in dating me -it was just a kiss at a party late at night. 

I had situations where I provided my last name as part of a conversation at an event, and mentioned my boyfriend, and the man still looked up my number and called to ask me out. Who knows -maybe he didn't hear boyfriend mentioned maybe he didn't care.  I had men enthusiastically say they were going to call me, and/or suggest "let's go to a movie next weekend" or "I'd like to see you again!" and never called.  Blip on the radar - part of dating, no analysis necessary.  The guy who said "let's see [actual movie name] next weekend.  I called him to follow up -I was so into him even from one date. He said yes but lackadaiscally. He showed up and it was obvious he was lukewarm about me although he'd actually referenced engagement in a joking way on our first date which was a week earlier. 

Who knows? Last I checked he's been happily married for years.  All I will assume is he was not that into me despite being interested on the first meet- to me unless there was a time/place plan for a date there was no date and insufficient interest in dating me. 

Didn't look for signs, didn't analyze -who has that sort of time if the goal is a long term relationship? Anyway if I would have done so I risked being jaded.  I was not jaded or bitter even after 24 years of dating and therefore was ready to reconnect with my future husband in a positive, open, joyous way and I felt "at home" with him right away.  I wish the same for you.  It takes lots of internal self-talk and creating a fun fulfilling life outside of dating but to me anyway it's so worth it.  And good for your stress level and blood pressure. 

Sadly, I have never known success in dating, so it’s still hard to say whether or not I’ll be better off in the long run if I find a partner.

It is easy enough for those to say it’s all part of dating if they have countless opportunities presented to them to date. I never ever have. That could be why am so reluctant to take chances. I was teased and bullied as a kid, and have been insulted repeatedly as an adult. Many women, as well. It’s no wonder I feel the way I do.

I don’t think I have ever had someone that I’ve been truly attracted to, and that would be a good fit, show me interest. Ever.

I was married for nearly 10 years, but I knew from the beginning that there were considerable red flags that I ignored. Not sure I would say that I regret being married, because I got my fantastic teenage daughter out of that deal, and my ex-wife and I are still arguably close. We sometimes fight viciously, maybe like a tense brother and sister relationships, but we still care about each other a lot and want the best for each other. For that I am thankful. 
 

I think it’s a bit like this for me… When you’ve almost never had something, and one example of that one thing is placed in front of you and then it’s taken away, you are much more likely to mourn that one thing and wonder what the hell happened that it was snatched away from you. Almost like a forbidden fruit, if you will.

Yes, I am over analyzing everything related to this. I haven’t been the same since I met this lady. But like in every other situation, I know things will get better. But falling like this every time I meet someone and get rejected just sucks. It’s like I experienced some kind of trauma all over again. I’m sure it’s related to trauma. I can’t imagine that most people, other than many of the people that post on here, feel the same kind of downward spiral after one rejection. 

Still… The conundrum of weather to call her at some point or let it go.

Better still, if I was to call, how long should I wait before I do? Originally, I was thinking Thursday, but I know the theory of dating often says it’s sometimes a good idea to let the person think you have let go, and then they may start to consider that they have lost the opportunity to know you, thus, if I make myself seem too available, that could give her reason to feel she has the upper hand. Whereas, if I wait maybe another week, it could give her a chance to stew on of the bit, if she’s even thinking about it at all. 

just so that you guys know… I really appreciate the support and the conversation. I don’t have many in my environment to bounce that off of, and I appreciate that you guys are reading a word or two of my completed rants and streams of consciousness… 🙂

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No easy time here. I dated to find a husband starting at age 19 (before that more for fun ). I didn’t have endless opportunities to meet and date potential good matches. The opposite.
 I had to be proactive and out there pounding the pavement on the front lines. Similar to how I looked for certain jobs over the past 42 years that I’ve worked.  Did I have opportunities to get male attention ?  Sure. Opportunities to go on a date with people who would never be a good match for me. Sure. But those opportunities were irrelevant to my goal of marriage and family. I had no interest in dating for fun with rare exception (a few vacation flings, a few casual dates when I was on between serious relationships). It’s not an “opportunity “ if it’s unwanted or unneeded. 

I had to develop and tweak my thick skin for dating in order to reach my goal and knew 100% my goal was not guaranteed. Even now it’s not technically guaranteed. Keeping a marriage stable and happy is work. Keeping my child alive and healthy is work. But it’s worth it. 
maybe others had an easy time meeting the right person. I did not. In a way it makes me appreciate it even more I suppose. So that’s a good thing 
 

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I would call her in a couple of days. Story:  in the late 90s my grad school classmate wanted to set me up with her colleague. I said yes. She gave the number and he called me shortly before the new years holiday. Left a message. I didn’t call right back because I was going to be away New Years for a few days and I didn’t want to talk about my plans or holiday plans etc. so I figured I’d call back january 2.
 

Well he called again a couple of days later and basically said on my voicemail he’d like to connect and meet but also didn’t want to be pushy. So I was sort of playing a game I guess- I simply was uncomfortable calling right before a big holiday. We met shortly after new years and dated on and off for 7 years.
Fyi - he was not attractive looking at all. Not in the least. But he sparkled. And had a cute dimple. And was so smart and engaging and thoughtful.  Did his looks bother me ? Sometimes yes I admit. He married a very attractive woman 3 years after we finally broke up and I’m not surprised. His personality and his character and integrity made him attractive. 

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Batya, I enjoy your stories…

However, you had attention, and dates, and people calling you, regardless of whether you felt they were suitable for you.  It likely made you feel at least desired, in some sense, and pursued. There is self worth value imbedded into that.

I don’t know what my point here is, but if you could imagine having almost no one show any interest in you for most of your adult life, then perhaps you might understand that when there is someone that seems like they could be special, it’s a big deal. I know you get that.  
 

And it’s not like I haven’t been pounding the pavement, believe me.  I’ve been on dating sites sending out messages for years, was close to zero responses. I go places by myself all the time and chat with people. My problem is most likely related to throwing the first pitch. I guess it would not be right to say that I have not been put in ball games. I just refrain from pitching a lot of the times.  I just can’t get over facing the first batter and thinking that they are going to drive a high speed pitch right back at my head.

I will say, I have been tremendously better over the last handful of years, since my divorce, but even then… Which is what brought me to this post.

There is a really nice lady on Facebook. I think we have a lot of things in common. I’m too afraid of the likely rejection to cold call her.

My last lady friend of seven months, that ended a few months ago, cold called me on Facebook.  I was kind of being a little bit flirty on her posts on Facebook, and she just messaged me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to go out for coffee.

I knew upon our first meeting that I wasn’t hugely attracted to her, but after a couple of get-togethers, I felt an ease of talking to her and a mild attraction arose.  Definitely a tenderness.  In the end, she could feel my attraction wasn’t to her liking, since she said it was clear I was not that attracted to her, and she broke it off. She was right.

With all the boo-hoos that I’ve been saying, she is certainly an example of someone that gave me attention, so maybe I am being a bit dramatic to say that there has never been anyone interested in me… Just no one that I have been attracted to and that I actually think I may have things in common with. I stand corrected.

Even that’s not entirely true. I wrote on here endlessly over about a year period of time, about a year ago, about a girl that I was dating that I had some very important things in common with, and I was more attracted to than the last one. I really enjoyed her and adored her… But it turned out she was very disturbed and abusive, and she broke up with me hard.

Even with her, I probably could have predicted early on that it wasn’t the right fit, despite the few things that were absolutely beautiful. I was constantly struggling with my attraction to her, and we were kind of from different worlds…

I was willing to stick it out, until it continuously became abusive. Then there was that. I pursued her, though. Even though I knew there were plenty of red flags and that she likely wasn’t a good fit. My bad. Same with my ex-wife.

Was this girl that I met at my gig perfect? No, I could see that there were things that may have been complicated, but in the short few minutes that I spoke with her, I felt an incredible draw toward her, and I sensed the same coming back. It just felt like it fit. But how would I really know, that’s crystal ball thinking. I’ve almost never felt that though. 

ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da…

 

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40 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

However, you had attention, and dates, and people calling you, regardless of whether you felt they were suitable for you.  It likely made you feel at least desired, in some sense, and pursued. There is self worth value imbedded into that.

No it did not. It was irrelevant to me.  I didn't feel valued or desired by men who wanted to date me.  I felt valued and desired when people respected me -internally - confided in me out of trust, valued our connection, friendship, my contributions, my intentions to contribute.

Yes I loved male attention as a teenager.  Yes at times I enjoyed it like on a night out -at times. Majority of the time -once I was 19 and marriage minded - nope - I didn't feel valued or desired just because a man noticed me, wanted to date me, seemed to be interested or attracted.  

I was kind of famous for a few days the summer I turned 15.  All over the media.  For a very good reason -a project I'd worked on that summer as an intern.  At that age -yes I LOVED the attention.  I bet I would now, too in some way.  But being pursued by a man who wants to date me and I don't feel the same and/or he is "pursuing" aggressively.  Nope.  Not that kind of attention.

I don't enjoy being "pursued" in any way.

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time dating.  You were married so obviously you were desired -yes? 

I gave you my input above and I find what you write very interesting and open. It doesn't change what I wrote above.

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After reading that you prioritize feeling "desired and wanted" and that having a woman respond to you gives you that feeling, it makes sense that you view her not replying to your text as a rejection. Also why you're inventing all these elaborate scenarios that "excuse" you from calling her. That Yes song comes to mind again.

One of my close friends didn't respond to one of my messages, which is highly unusual. Instead of deciding he hates me and doesn't want to be my friend anymore, I sent him one more message asking him if everything was OK. Turns out his phone broke and he had to borrow a phone from his spouse and everything isn't loaded onto the borrowed phone.

You can remain in your safe bubble if you wish, just because some dating situations didn't work out in the past. It's certainly your choice.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

After reading that you prioritize feeling "desired and wanted" and that having a woman respond to you gives you that feeling, it makes sense that you view her not replying to your text as a rejection. Also why you're inventing all these elaborate scenarios that "excuse" you from calling her. That Yes song comes to mind again.

One of my close friends didn't respond to one of my messages, which is highly unusual. Instead of deciding he hates me and doesn't want to be my friend anymore, I sent him one more message asking him if everything was OK. Turns out his phone broke and he had to borrow a phone from his spouse and everything isn't loaded onto the borrowed phone.

You can remain in your safe bubble if you wish, just because some dating situations didn't work out in the past. It's certainly your choice.

I hear you. It just isn’t easy to continuously feel that if I put my self out there, and reach outside of my box, that I will feel like this when I almost inevitably get turned down.

I think I’ve done a lot of reaching outside my box over the last few years, Which has certainly raised my confidence. This may, as well.

If I had to put my finger on it, I think it’s the feeling of not having many choices ahead… And not really seeing many girls anywhere nearby that I think I would have an interest in… So this girl was a little unique in that sense. She seemed available, interested, and somewhat in my social range. I guess I feel if I can’t even attract girls that I think are about at my level, then I can’t expect to meet ones that I actually really would like.

I do see ladies in my community that I think would be awesome, in fact I know a bunch of them, but they are married, have wonderful families, and tall broad-shouldered husbands that make a lot more money than I do, and seem to have their act together by our cultural standards. I don’t meet those characteristics, and I never will, therefore, it seems unlikely that I will attract that kind of woman, sadly.  

I can kind of tell that there are a few married ladies in my community that may have a little crush on me, probably because I come across as so friendly/happy and interesting… But they know I am off-limits because they are already attached. Plus, I don’t think they would probably date someone like me anyway, because obviously I couldn’t have given them the life that they are now living, and probably never would.

There’s really only a few things that I could change… Cut my hair… Get a better job… Neither of which I have any interest in doing. I don’t know what that says, other than maybe me looking like an older rock ‘n’ roller is my way of sticking in my little introverted bubble and giving our cultural the proverbial finger… 🙂  

As for going out more… During the warmer days, there is a really neat farm nearby that has what is like a tiki bar, with about 50 picnic tables with candles on them, and a stage with a band playing every Friday and Saturday night. I would try to go there at least once every weekend that I didn’t have my kid during the summer, and sit in a common area and have an ice cream and listen to music… It was mostly families, and groups of friends there to hang out. Most of the time, I enjoyed the music and the scene, but I sat there picking my nose feeling kind of stupid. Almost no chance to meet people one to one that I could easily tell. Unless, of course, I barged into small gatherings that were sitting at picnic tables and just started chatting, but that seems invasive… almost obnoxious.

 

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9 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

There’s really only a few things that I could change… Cut my hair… Get a better job… Neither of which I have any interest in doing. I don’t know what that says, other than maybe me looking like an older rock ‘n’ roller is my way of sticking in my little introverted bubble and giving our cultural the proverbial finger… 🙂  

You have insight into things. That is that there's a bit of 'rebel-without-a-cause' in you and that is the root of being an outlier. But you seem to be willing to accept that in order to stand your ground. That's ok. However it's hard to get on the same page with someone who marches to their own drummer, so dating will be difficult.

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