Roommate is planning to leave the country and leave her son behind.

[Cynder]

I wasn't really sure where to put this.

My roommate has been in a LDR for 6 weeks with a guy from England.  In April she plans on moving over there after spending a week with him in Vegas.  This will be the first time they meet in person.  She is also pre-engaged to him.  They plan on making the engagement official in April in Vegas.  

I know the likelyhood of this actually happening is pretty slim.  She is planning to marry someone she's known 6 weeks and has mever even met in person.  But it's her life.  She's a big girl.  

My concern is her son.  When I write on here about my nephew it's him I'm talking about.  He is not my blood relative.  But I've seen him grow up and I've been a part of his life since he was born.  He was one of the main reasons I didn't end my own life last summer when I was in the darkest place I've ever been.  

She isn't planning on takings him to England with her.  Once again, she's a big girl.  But this really bothers me on a few different levels.  She is acting like she's just going to go live this Fairy tale life in England with this guy who is supposedly good looking and rich.  And she's acting like her son doesn't matter and she's just leaving him behind.  He's 9.  What kind of message does that send?

I am also worried that I won't be in his life any more after this.  I love that kid like he's my own kid.  I would do anything for him.  I know legally I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to having time with him, etc.  I thought about messaging her ex (his dad) to talk about it.  But her ex might not know about her plans yet and I don't want to start drama between them.  If u do reach out it will be closer to April when plans are more finalized.  

If she doesn't live in this area anymore than her ex has no reason to stay around here either. So he might move away with my nephew.  And it would be in his rights to do so.  I am nobody to my nephew from a legal perspective.  

The thought of not being able to see him anymore is devastating.  I know ppl will.probably tell me I shouldn't jave gotten so attached to my friend's kid.  But I did.  Now I will have to possibly deal with losing him.  

I also know I could be jumping the gun and worrying aboit this prematurely.  But I have OCD.  I obsess over things.  It's hard not to think about.  

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Would you be ready to visit him every now and then and hang out with him? Kinda as if you're his auntie.

[Cynder]

7 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Would you be ready to visit him every now and then and hang out with him? Kinda as if you're his auntie.

Definitely. I spnd time with him all the time now since she basically sleeps all the time.  

[DarkCh0c0]

Just now, Cynder said:

Definitely. I spnd time with him all the time now since she basically sleeps all the time.  

Then that's an option. He'll grow up with an auntie who cares about him.

If his mom abandons him, he won't be alone. He will have his father, some other family members and you. So you do you when the time calls for it.

[Cynder]

36 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Then that's an option. He'll grow up with an auntie who cares about him.

If his mom abandons him, he won't be alone. He will have his father, some other family members and you. So you do you when the time calls for it.

I also wonder what kind of message this sends to a 9 year old.  My parents put me last during my childhood.  Drinking and partying was more important.  She has a drinking problem already.  Since she got diagnosed with fybro she has used it as nothing but an excuse to smoke weed.  In a lot of ways he is better off without her.  But I do worry about what is going through his head knowing his mom is about to basically abandon him.  He was talking to me about it earlier and he seemed so confused.  

I'm on my phone and I'm in a bit of a hurry.  Sorry if this is sloppy.  

[MissCanuck]

The chances of her plan working out are almost nil, given that she doesn't know this man and doesn't seem to have faintest clue about immigration law and what an international move actually requires. So, I would try not to worry about this too much. It's more than likely not going to happen. 

But yes, it sends a bad message to the kid and would probably permanently damage their relationship. It doesn't sound like she really wants to be mom and he will realize this, so this boy is fortunate to have you in his life. In the event that does abandon him, I would try to maintain a relationship with the boy via his father, if that could be arranged. Perhaps he would be open to that, so you can continue to foster that bond with him as an aunt. 

[greendots]

The child is 9 years old? Child abandonment, not only puts the child at risk, but is illegal in many countries. Anyhow, the well-being of a 9 year old is at stake here. Social services could meddle, not sure how it works where you live and how that would end. This is scary stuff.

Is his father a dependable person? Any trustworthy, reliable, dependable family members you could talk to? Alternatively, are you able to privately seek legal advice or talk to a knowledgeable professional who knows what to do in such a delicate situation?

It's nice that you care about him! He's blessed to have you in his life. 🙂

[Cynder]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The chances 

I know.  I mean realistically speaking ...  she's known this guy 6 weeks and never met him in person.   What are the odds of her actually leaving?  And she's also a convicted felon so she might not even be able to go live in England.  

She's 39 years old. I'm surprised she's not more skeptical of something so full of red flags.  

[DarkCh0c0]

36 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I also wonder what kind of message this sends to a 9 year old.

It can affect their conception of love and their self-worth badly. But, if this kid has a good father and supporting people, he might have it easier. 

3 minutes ago, Cynder said:

  she's known this guy 6 weeks and never met him in person.   What are the odds of her actually leaving?  

He might be manipulative, abusive and wanting her to join him in his hell. Definitely red flags everywhere, but if she's that desperate and won't listen to her friends, what can you do...

[Cynder]

8 minutes ago, greendots said:

The child is 9 years old? Child abandonment, not only puts the child at risk, but is illegal in many countries. Anyhow, the well-being of a 9 year old is at stake here. Social services could meddle, not sure how it works where you live and how that would end. This is scary stuff.

Is his father a dependable person? Any trustworthy, reliable, dependable family members you could talk to? Alternatively, are you able to privately seek legal advice or talk to a knowledgeable professional who knows what to do in such a delicate situation?

Her and her ex have shared custody.  His dad is a good parson.  

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

 

He might be manipulative, abusive and wanting her to join him in his hell. Definitely red flags everywhere, but if she's that desperate and won't listen to her friends, what can you do...

This is probably cold on my part but I personally don't care what happens to her at this point.  She's an awful person and awful people get what's coming to them eventually.  Maybe it's time for her karma.  

Her parents are wealthy.  Her dad is the CEO of a company that is a household name in the US.  Her mom works in the medical industry.  She came from money and is spoiled rotten.  Her education was paid for.  She got to travel where she wanted when she was younger.  She flunked out of college.  She's an alcoholic.  She gets a kick out of screwing married men.  She starts drama everywhere she goes.  She has to be the center of attention no matter what.  She's a theif, too.  My ex has a drinking problem and my roommate used to try to get her drunk because "its so funny!" The only reason I have let her stay in my house this long is because of her son.

He is probably better off without her, honestly.  

  

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, Cynder said:

 And she's also a convicted felon so she might not even be able to go live in England.  

She is in for a mighty surprise when she tries to request long-term residency in a foreign country. It won't happen. I also relocated abroad and can tell you there is a strict vetting process though Immigration for this kind of relocation. She won't make the cut. 

It sounds like she lives in a fantasy-land in her own head.

 

[Cynder]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She is in for a mighty surprise when she tries to request long-term residency in a foreign country. It won't happen. I also relocated abroad and can tell you there is a strict vetting process though Immigration for this kind of relocation. She won't make the cut. 

It sounds like she lives in a fantasy-land in her own head.

 

I was trying to leave thr US about ten years ago.  I am about as squeaky clean as it gets, no criminal record, etc.  And I couldn't do it.  So yea... not sure how she thinks thays going to work.  

In my case being disabled had a lot to do with it, though. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Cynder said:

I was trying to leave thr US about ten years ago.  I am about as squeaky clean as it gets, no criminal record, etc.  And I couldn't do it.  So yea... not sure how she thinks thays going to work.  

It appears she doesn't really think. 

Her history, as you outlined above, indicates that she is not stable or rational. This latest half-baked idea is just an extension of that. Impulsive and fantasy-based, with no real prospect of coming to fruition. 

I am sure her son is grateful to have you in his life, in any case. It must be obvious even to him that his mom lives in her own world. 

[Cynder]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It appears she doesn't really think. 

Her history, as you outlined above, indicates that she is not stable or rational. This latest half-baked idea is just an extension of that. Impulsive and fantasy-based, with no real prospect of coming to fruition. 

I am sure her son is grateful to have you in his life, in any case. It must be obvious even to him that his mom lives in her own world. 

Yeah.  She has BPD and has been in the psych ward 3 times this year alone.  I am not judging people with mental illness or people who have had to go to a psych hospital.  I have OCD and Major Depression and last year if I would have had insurance I would have checked myself into the psych ward.  But those are things thay will probably come up when they start looking into her history.  In mid July she was in love with someone else and ready to marry him.  That was only 3 months ago.  And if they see the hate tattoos she has it will all be over, I'm sure.  

[MissCanuck]

I don't think she will even get so far with this to even request residency. 

This is all one big fantasy with an online stranger, someone who she will maybe meet in person months from now. The more likely scenario is that this will all fall apart long before then and she'll never meet this man. 

 

[Wiseman2]

All you need to do is stay in your own lane and live your own life .

[Coily]

I look at my aunt and her other “nephew” from a co-worker of hers. My aunt made sure to get to know both parents, and when her “friend” went off the deep end and abandoned a similarly aged son; my aunt worked with the father and his new wife.

That has been nearly a decade, and the “nephew” comes to all our family functions (more than I do lol). Good kid, and has avoided some troubles thanks to my aunt and uncle being involved. They stayed on good terms with both parents, and were very mindful of the family dynamics for the sake of the kid.

So all is not lost, given how “special” your friend is, investing in getting to know the father is a wise move. It may be a dead end due to being a friend of the mother, or it could be a way to help this 9 year old.

 I am honestly shocked the father doesn’t have full custody already.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think she will even get so far with this to even request residency. 

This is all one big fantasy with an online stranger, someone who she will maybe meet in person months from now. The more likely scenario is that this will all fall apart long before then and she'll never meet this man. 

 

I wanted to respond to your earlier comment about her son knowing she lives in a fantasy world.  He does.  He is really perceptive.  (A lot of kids are, more than adults give them credit for.)  And even if she doesn't go, I bet his opinion of her changes.  He will know that whatever man is in her life is more important to her than he is.  He will probably resent her over this. 

 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you need to do is stay in your own lane and live your own life .

My nephew is part of my life.  I really don't care what happens to her.  If this is some scammer who is just using her for money or whatever, I don't care.  She's a thief and she gets off on making other people miserable.  She deserves to be scammed in my opinion.  I know that's mean and not healthy but bad people deserve bad things just as much as good people deserve good things. 

But I do care about what happens to him.   

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

I am honestly shocked the father doesn’t have full custody already.

Sadly I'm not.  CPS is a joke. 

[Seraphim]

Honestly ,she has ZERO chance of moving to the UK or even visiting the UK as a convicted felon. If it is a crime that is contained in their Criminal Code no immigration is possible. So this is pure fantasy. 
 

She doesn’t have the motivation to even put a scheme like this together.  
 

The little boy is lucky to have you . 

[Cynder]

29 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Honestly ,she has ZERO chance of moving to the UK or even visiting the UK as a convicted felon. If it is a crime that is contained in their Criminal Code no immigration is possible. So this is pure fantasy. 
 

She doesn’t have the motivation to even put a scheme like this together.  
 

The little boy is lucky to have you . 

She was caught selling drugs (cocaine, specifically.}  It was also almost 20 years ago. 

I like to think he is.  I hope his dad sees that too. 

[Lambert]

The chances of this actually happening are pretty slim.  A rich, good-looking guy does not do this kind of thing. He would have options with local women. 

Remember people are only as desperate as their options.

So there's logic to consider. And also if your friend is so bad. (yes, dumping your kid makes you a bad person) why are you friends? 

I think the only thing you can do, in the event, she does leave her kid, is to exchange numbers and keep in touch.  He's 9. He can use a phone and write.

You can express your interest in staying in touch to the dad at that time.  Do not contact him. The child is not in imminent danger

I think your roommate sounds like she's being played with or worse scammed.  That sucks but as you said,  she's an adult.

The only person you can control is you... Look at your own actions- your buying into it and creating drama for yourself. Try to put this in check. 

It's great you love the kid and want to keep a relationship with him.  Kids need positive role models. 

But as you stated, you're not family. Even if you were, an aunt has no standing. unless you can prove he is being harmed by both parents, there's no grandparents in the picture and you're better than foster care.  Nothibg can be done. Its not a crime to send your child to live with the dad.  And if she's like you say, maybe the dad is better for the son.

If you end your friendship with her, he's a good as gone, too. So you have to consider what's best for you? 

Find a way to focus on your own life more. You still be a support to the kid but in some ways you are over stepping. 

[Seraphim]

17 minutes ago, Cynder said:

She was caught selling drugs (cocaine, specifically.}  It was also almost 20 years ago. 

I like to think he is.  I hope his dad sees that too. 

Selling drugs and if she has a conviction will bar her from immigration. It even bars people from entering my country as well.