My boyfriend and I moved in together and after only 2 months, I’m living in hell and made a terrible mistake

[bellajo1986]

I am sorry in advance for the long message, but I am completely lost.  I have been in a relationship with him for almost 2 years.  We have had a rocky road together, but I thought we finally figured things out.  I am 35 and he is 37.  One of the biggest problems we were having was that any big fight we had, he would initiate a breakup and then come crawling back a few days later.  I made excuses for him, like he was just really angry and needed to cool off, but one day I just had it. I completely cut him off for 3 months (and should have left him for good), but he came back begging and promising me he wanted to start a life and share a home with me.  That is exactly what I wanted ultimately, to settle down and start a life.  Since day 1, I made it clear I was looking for a secure, long term relationship (possibly marriage down the road) and that the breakup and makeup dynamic wasn't going to work for me.  But since I felt like I found that - out of foolishness, I thought I finally found that so I gave it a shot. After only 2 months, so much has happened and I have discovered so much about him that I just can't deal with.  

 

For whatever stupid reason, I thought the breakups would stop once we moved in together because I felt he was finally making the commitment and that he learned his lesson after I was gone for 2 months. Sadly, that's not the case.  Any time we fight, he either threatens to move out, or packs his stuff and leaves for like an hour and I guess changes his mind and comes back.  This is a huge trigger for me because my ex husband of 10 years had an affair and left me and our daughter. My bf knows this opens up old woulds, but does it anyway. When he does, I completely lose control of myself. I yell, throw things, cry... just act completely out of character.  

 

First, I am not one to invade privacy.  I never snoop or look through phones.  I do, however, trust my intuition.  Something had been telling me for a couple weeks to go look in the bathroom downstairs.  This is his bathroom. He knows I will never go in there or use that bathroom because I am terrified of spiders that live in basements, AND his bathroom habits gross me out. I decided to go look through his bathroom and found a bag of performance enhancing drugs (steroids in pill form, not needles).  I haven't said anything because I know how he will react... with anger. 

 

Next, there is his MDMA use.  I do not agree with drug use.  I've known he uses that occasionally when he's with me, but he also knows I hate it.  I never said anything though, because I'm not his boss... until it started causing problems (not cheating to my knowledge).  He promised me that I would never have to worry about it again. HOWEVER, twice since we have moved in together, I have noticed he was on it.  We will drink together maybe once a month, and drinking for me is only 2-3 drinks MAX. Those are the times he has snuck and took the pill behind my back.. probably so he can turn around and say it was alcohol in case I noticed anything.  I am not stupid.  I know what he is like on that stuff (dilated pupils, grinding teeth, overly affectionate). However, once again I haven't said anything because I know he will deny and gaslight me since I have no proof, so I kind of just because a little more distant as a result of being disappointed.  

 

Last weekend, we went out to the club together.. against my best judgment.  Since our first date, I have been very vocal about hating clubs.  I absolutely despise them.  He, on the other hand, likes going with his girlfriend (not alone with guys).  I decided to make some kind of sacrifice and go with him because I figured I would rather him go with me than friends.  This is the only kind of "date" he has ever planned for us... even after knowing how much I hate them.  Last weekend, he said he wanted to "go out" but he didn't want to make any suggestions because "he doesn't want to say the wrong thing and piss me off". I stupidly told him I'd go out to the club with him because I just wanted to make him happy, but asked if we could go to this particular spot that i can *tolerate* becasue it's not crowded or loud.  While waiting in line to get in, I spotted my ex boyfriend who I have a restraining order against.  I got scared and clung onto my boyfriends arm and told him right away.  His response to me was "Hmm... no wonder you have been acting weird all day. This must be why you never want to go to the club anymore and why you decided to come here"  I just stood quiet because I knew he would blow up if I said anything.  He asked what I wanted to do and if I wanted to leave but I said no because 1) the ex left as soon as he saw me and 2) I knew if I said I wanted to leave he would tell me that was suspicious and I must be hiding something. We got upstairs to a table and he kept going on "weird you have never wanted to sit upstairs before" and "Weird you keep looking downstairs".  I finally blew up on him and yelled "I haven't done anything to you!!!! Stop treating me like I have done something wrong!!" I could see the anger in his eyes and he told me something like "You are so unfair! You are allowed to be insecure about things but when I am you treat me like this? How would you feel if we saw my ex???" I loudly told him again "I didn't do *** to you" and he exploded... slammed his can of beer on the table and it got all over my face, hair and clothes, got up and left me there. I stupidly reacted and threw my drink back at him before he walked completely off. We both took separate Ubers home and got there at the same time.  The fighting continued. I was blamed for it all. I like to fight in public. I am a hypocrite. I could have had him sent to jail and he'd lose his son... etc. 

 

This whole week I have known I need to leave him.  I am just trying to come up with a plan. It hurts because I wanted something completely different. I have been very quiet, withdrawn and  distant.... but not mean or argumentative. Last night, he told me he knows I don't love him anymore.  I explained it wasn't that, but I just feel really sad, afraid and insecure.  His response was "What have I done now??? There is no pleasing you, is there?? Tell me what I could possibly be doing? I come home every night!" I maybe got one sentence in trying to explain what was wrong until he started blowing up and deflecting, bringing up irrelevant crap like "You left the lights on 2 weeks ago... you are probably talking to your ex behind my back... you made food for you and your daughter last week but not me and my son (even though he texted me and told me they had food before they got home)"  Then, somehow we started arguing about the night before where I invited him to watch a movie with my daughter but he complained "NO that's a chick flick".  I told him, "99% of what we watch in this house is what you and your son want to watch.  Every day.  We never complain because we are just happy to be with you guys" and his reaction was "oh wooooow I never thought my son would bother you so much. 

 

This morning, I tried to make peace and apologize for the fight and tell him I hope we can figure something out, but of course he is still going on and on. He's telling me the biggest problem in our relationship is that I lack accountability, and now he doesn't feel comfortable in that house with his son after what I said about him.  

 

That was it.  This morning I decided he's a possible narcissistic, druggie who is probably roid raging and I need to leave.  Problem is, we are both in a lease.  I cannot afford the place on my own, neither can he.  It will not be an easy "agreement" between us... it will be war.  I am thinking to just silently start looking for a place... without saying a word and then just leaving him while he as at work one day. I need to get therapy after dealing with such a mind freak. Does anyone have any advice for me here?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, bellajo1986 said:

a bag of performance enhancing drugs (steroids in pill form, not needles). Next, there is his MDMA use.  I do not agree with drug use.  I've known he uses that occasionally when he's with me, but he also knows I hate it. 

Sorry this happened. Where were you living before? Did you sign a lease? As you know living together is a sexual and economic convenience not a commitment.

Now that you have found these substances immediately ask him to leave (or let him go) or get yourself and your daughter out of there. That's really the only solution for the your own and your child's safety.

 Do not live with someone who uses and possesses illegal drugs unless you want to lose your child and/or spend some time in jail, since it's in your residence. Please wake up and sever this nightmare. Don't make your child pay for your mistakes.

 You're trying to turn a bum into a prince. it won't work.

[DancingFool]

Leases have out clauses in case of domestic violence/abuse type situation. Read your lease and talk to your landlord and let them know that you need to terminate and get out of the lease on those grounds. However, don't approach that until you have a safe place lined up.

Also, call an abuse hotline for additional assistance and information on how to leave the dangerous situation you are in. You'll get constructive practical advice for free on how to handle things.

Yes, that does mean quietly finding a new place. Making sure he doesn't know where you go. Leaving when he isn't around. Quietly get important documents out of the place and take them to someone you trust for safekeeping, preferably someone he doesn't know. Be sure he doesn't notice.

Once you do leave him, be sure you block all communication so you don't keep falling back into this toxic on/off again mess. Also, sit yourself down and figure out why you are so desperate to be with a man, any man, no matter how abusive he is. Why are you willing to put up with drugs and abuse just to call yourself Mrs???? Especially so, since this isn't your first rodeo choosing badly and ending up in a toxic relationship. You need to fix yourself and what's driving these decisions within you. Do not date, do not get involved with anyone until you actually sort yourself out properly and fix your picker for good.

[Kwothe28]

Same guy I guess?

 

After all that has been said to you on that thread about your then ex boyfriend and you, you not only dont leave him but move in with him? You thought that he would be stable when you moved in together but he couldnt even be stable before that and cheated on you constantly?

At some times we have to take responsability for our bad choices. Yours are even way beyond that when you could move in abusive junkie with you(and I am guessing also your daughter). That is just "out of this world" bad choices. 

Find affordable housing, get away from him and enroll into therapy. You will never get stability with your state of mind. You need to heal yourself first, be single for a while and then try to find some guy that will treat you properly. Hopefully therapy can help you with that. Because as it is, you will not find your happiness. "Messy people" have an uncanny ability to find and draw other messes. You need to fix that before you can think about stability with someone else.

[boltnrun]

Please do move out while he's gone, attend intensive therapy and, for both you and your daughter's sake, don't date again until you get to the root of why you're attracted to abusive men. And yes, repeatedly breaking up and coming back IS abusive behavior.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Consider contacting your local hospital for a referral to a domestic violence prevention counselor who can help you with a plan and connect you with resources not generally known to the public. They can help you and your daughter get out safely and stay safe--as well as help you to deal with your landlord and other loose ends after the fact.

Your first responsibility is to get your daughter and you to safety, and the rest will fall into place provided you're willing to stay away from this guy.

[smackie9]

You said you should have left him....take that advice.

[DarkCh0c0]

Speak to the owner and a lawyer regarding the lease situation ASAP. The owner will generally understand. As for you, go back to where you used to live or find a room in a flat sharing.

DO NOT tell him you're planning on leaving or even hint at it. Get your ducks in a row smartly and then when you're ready, leave when he's not even there. You are very emotionally fragile and vulnerable to his manipulations. He'll make it hell for you if you leave in his presence.

I know you must be scared and finally facing your truth. Please please be smart and block him everywhere once you leave. Everywhere. Forever.

Then please, find a good therapist with whom you'll understand why you stay with someone who constantly treats you like disposable trash. You don't deserve this. A healthy fulfilling relationship is nothing like what you've described.

Your dating goal shouldn't be a ring. Your goal should be a consistently fulfilling, loving, kind and supportive relationship.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Speak to the owner and a lawyer regarding the lease situation ASAP. The owner will generally understand.

Do this AFTER you get yourself safely out of there. If you contact the right resources, starting with your local hospital for a referral, then they will help you to manage the lease break, and they will provide written proof of your case.