Struggling with insecurity and fear

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, TheG said:

I wish I had seen this earlier because I have messed things up now 😞

So this past Friday I tried to call her and couldnt get hold of her. I sent her a message afterwards checking up on her and no reply. I immediately suspected she was with someone else. So I switched off. The whole weekend I did not try to reach out to her. 4 days later (Tuesday) she send me a message saying her phone screen cracked so she couldnt see any messages or texts but the phone is fixed now. Of course my suspicions became worse. She then expressed her concern of me not reaching out to her the whole weekend. Everybody else tried to contact her except for me and she didnt like that. I decided I am going to call her and explain my insecurities. Tried to call her and she was busy bathing. Tried to call again and no response. She got back to me 2 hours later to tell me she was done with everything.

I couldnt handle all this anymore and I exploded. I expressed alot of the things I expressed in this post. I told her that I suspected she was with someone this past weekend as well.

She responded with the following: I honestly dont know what to say, but its ok if you feel that way, I cant control it. You have clearly drawn your own conclusions, so I am just going to let it be. 

I then asked her to put herself in my shoes regarding the weekend and I she cant just expect me to take what she said so simply at face value (we have a mutual friend whom we are both close to whom she could have contacted through her mom tp at least relay the message)

She responded: Clearly something is bothering you and for now I am not going to say anything. Think whatever you want to think about me. I also feel like it was too soon for you to act the way you are acting. 

I then explained that I think was best for me to be open and vulnerable about how I am really feeling. She said she appreciates the honesty and I said it doesnt seem like she does and she stopped talking to me. This argument happened today 

Sometimes I feel like my insecurities are justified but sometimes I feel I might have offended and hurt her with these accusations. I am feeling really down and confused and I dont know how to move forward from this. No one has broken up with anyone as yet but I think damage has been done in term of how she sees me now 😞

 

 

 

Okay, you didn't see this earlier. Is that something we should be offended by? Life came in front of responding to your messages--does this mean you were disloyal to us and we should make assumptions about you and torture ourselves with those?

Can you see how ridiculous that comes off?

If 4 dates constitutes some weird rule that we can't respond to one another when it's best for us without facing accusations, that would signal to me that I've encountered someone who is unhinged.

I'd leave her alone lest she fears she's attracted a stalker. If she reaches out, take Bolt's advice, reach for your best dignity, and ask to a nice restaurant for dinner. 

Don't keep apologizing, once was enough. Don't keep pointing to the problem. If you're given the opportunity to demonstrate that you can move past the problem, step up to do that. Avoid conflating this with a therapeutic relationship.

Head high, we all learn by living.

[TheG]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Okay, you didn't see this earlier. Is that something we should be offended by? Life came in front of responding to your messages--does this mean you were disloyal to us and we should make assumptions about you and torture ourselves with those?

Can you see how ridiculous that comes off?

If 4 dates constitutes some weird rule that we can't respond to one another when it's best for us without facing accusations, that would signal to me that I've encountered someone who is unhinged.

I'd leave her alone lest she fears she's attracted a stalker. If she reaches out, take Bolt's advice, reach for your best dignity, and ask to a nice restaurant for dinner. 

Don't keep apologizing, once was enough. Don't keep pointing to the problem. If you're given the opportunity to demonstrate that you can move past the problem, step up to do that. Avoid conflating this with a therapeutic relationship.

Head high, we all learn by living.

I have decided that I will sit this one out and leave the ball in her court. If I try to manipulate her now the insecurities will still be there, maybe worse. If she does come back it will be good for my dignity

The crazy thing is that this is a similar thing that happened in my previous relationship. But we were a year in. I accused her of being with some guy. She was angry and offended and I manipulated her to forgive me. Lo and behold a few months later I had been right, she was busy with the guy. That relationship was so toxic for me, she probably had been cheating with the guy since we started dating. The guy was her ex bf. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, TheG said:

I accused her of being with some guy. That relationship was so toxic for me, she probably had been cheating with the guy since we started dating. The guy was her ex bf. 

Sorry this happened, but you need to leave this baggage at the door when you start dating. Punishing new women for your ex is shooting yourself in the foot..

[TheG]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened, but you need to leave this baggage at the door when you start dating. Punishing new women for your ex is shooting yourself in the foot..

true. looks like i still have work to do, unfortunately 😞

I really thought i had healed

[catfeeder]

28 minutes ago, TheG said:

That relationship was so toxic for me, she probably had been cheating with the guy since we started dating. The guy was her ex bf. 

This is the stuff to suss out when you newly meet a person BEFORE you invest in continuing to date someone. First meets are question time for both of you. 

Do you consider yourself to be casually dating or are you interested in a long term relationship?

How long since your last breakup? Are you still in contact with your ex at all?

These are crucial questions where you may get red flag answers that would spell out clearly that it's unwise to continue seeing this person. However, even if you hear what you want to hear, dating is all about learning whether someone walks their talk.

You sound relationship-minded but maybe to the degree that it's your default mindset--so you're instantly framing anyone you date into relationship territory prematurely.

Focus on learning how to SCREEN.

 

[TheG]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

This is the stuff to suss out when you newly meet a person BEFORE you invest in continuing to date someone. First meets are question time for both of you. 

Do you consider yourself to be casually dating or are you interested in a long term relationship?

How long since your last breakup? Are you still in contact with your ex at all?

These are crucial questions where you may get red flag answers that would spell out clearly that it's unwise to continue seeing this person. However, even if you hear what you want to hear, dating is all about learning whether someone walks their talk.

You sound relationship-minded but maybe to the degree that it's your default mindset--so you're instantly framing anyone you date into relationship territory prematurely.

Focus on learning how to SCREEN.

 

insightful input...

[Wonderstruck]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Oof. I think she definitely isnt making you a priority. And she possibly even sees other people. The way she was about that "phone" excuse. And then having a gal to be "offended" at you for not contacting her when you were the one who shot a message and didnt get answer. And then to just avoid your phone calls. I think you have the right to be mad.

But I also think that you shouldnt have "aired your grievances" like that. OK, she doesnt prioritize you and you have a problem with that. Say "goodbye" and find somebody who does. There was no need for you to tell something to her, apologize or anything. Did she apologized for not answering messages or phone call? No. She just transfered that on you and your insecurities. Because some people hate being held accountable for their behavior. Hence why excuses, ignoring and transfering guilt.

That is why I thinks its best for you to just move on. I am sorry, but sometimes that is the best call. Especially when we see how the other side doesnt appreciate us enough to even pick up a phone and answer. Or at least call when they see missed call. You are fighting a losing battle here. Just leave with your head high, no need for more drama and fights.

I agree with everything that Kwothe28 said here.

I hope that you re-read his comment and really absorb what he's saying - it seems that you addressed everyone else's comment except for his.

The only thing that I would add is: Why was she mad at YOU for not contacting her all weekend, when she never contacted you either?

Also, please NEVER ignore your gut instinct.

Your gut instinct was spot-on in your last relationship, and it is likely to be spot-on in this one as well.

Please stop beating yourself up.

[TheG]

8 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

I agree with everything that Kwothe28 said here.

I hope that you re-read his comment and really absorb what he's saying - it seems that you addressed everyone else's comment except for his.

The only thing that I would add is: Why was she mad at YOU for not contacting her all weekend, when she never contacted you either?

Also, please NEVER ignore your gut instinct.

Your gut instinct was spot-on in your last relationship, and it is likely to be spot-on in this one as well.

Please stop beating yourself up.

Yes I have decided to fall back on this one. It was still new so its ok. Disappointing but ok!

[Tinydance]

Look I understand that you've been hurt in the past and maybe you're a bit out of practice with dating too. If this girl was missing your calls and not responding much then she probably wasn't that interested. It doesn't necessarily mean that she was with another guy but she might have just been doing whatever she was doing and just not making you a priority. Although it also depends how much you messaged and called her. Do you think you overdid it or was it a normal amount?

I think in the early stages of dating you just need to relax and act laid back. Personally I hate being smothered so if I've only had a few dates with someone, I don't want them to call and text me all the time. And if I missed their call I don't mind if they leave a voicemail or text. But I don't want them to call me again the second time, I just want them to wait until I get back to them. 

I don't think it's good that you just automatically get suspicious that a girl you're seeing is with another guy. Even if the girl seems not that invested, I just don't think it's helpful for you to think this because it seems to make you really anxious. And it can be very off putting to be accused of being with someone else.

[TheG]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Look I understand that you've been hurt in the past and maybe you're a bit out of practice with dating too. If this girl was missing your calls and not responding much then she probably wasn't that interested. It doesn't necessarily mean that she was with another guy but she might have just been doing whatever she was doing and just not making you a priority. Although it also depends how much you messaged and called her. Do you think you overdid it or was it a normal amount?

I think in the early stages of dating you just need to relax and act laid back. Personally I hate being smothered so if I've only had a few dates with someone, I don't want them to call and text me all the time. And if I missed their call I don't mind if they leave a voicemail or text. But I don't want them to call me again the second time, I just want them to wait until I get back to them. 

I don't think it's good that you just automatically get suspicious that a girl you're seeing is with another guy. Even if the girl seems not that invested, I just don't think it's helpful for you to think this because it seems to make you really anxious. And it can be very off putting to be accused of being with someone else.

thank you. And yes I have a tendacy of investing emotions too soon. I could tell she really liked me though. There are some dates which she initiated that I was too busy to attend. I rushed this one though. But a part of the reason why I rushed this one is because she started calling me "my love" and "boyfriend". Actually she called me "my love" almost all the time. Another reason I push so early is that over the years I was single, there were alot of women who wanted to date me but with her, we just connected so well. Today was the day she wanted to come visit me before my insecurities got the better of me. We had decided that we were going to engage sexually. Just before the whole phone situation, she even wanted to send me nudes. I didnt push this though as I saw her more than a sexual object. I am including this info now because Im just expressing myself. I dont think it was important in the context of this thread. But i think the fact that she wanted to send me nudes so easily also made me insecure. Insecure that shes too sexually liberated? Honestly this actually counted in my insecurity. But hey... 

Today I reached out to an old fling. Extremely gorgeous but too many red flags to even consider dating. She was happy to hear from me again. Im obviously not considering dating her. But I just want to take my mind off things...

 

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, TheG said:

thank you. And yes I have a tendacy of investing emotions too soon. I could tell she really liked me though. There are some dates which she initiated that I was too busy to attend. I rushed this one though. But a part of the reason why I rushed this one is because she started calling me "my love" and "boyfriend". Actually she called me "my love" almost all the time. Another reason I push so early is that over the years I was single, there were alot of women who wanted to date me but with her, we just connected so well. Today was the day she wanted to come visit me before my insecurities got the better of me. We had decided that we were going to engage sexually. But hey... 

 

Well if it looked like she actually did really like you then maybe you were just overanalysing things? You seemed fixated on this idea that maybe she's with another guy or something like that. I mean, if you call or text though she should reply so I understand why you got worried. You did say though that she called you back even if she missed your calls. 

I know you've had a bad experience but maybe you should try to go into dating with a clean slate. There might be some women who are seeing other guys as well but some won't be. I don't think it's good to have that preconceived idea straight away and go into dating being suspicious. Just try to trust the girl you're dating unless you have evidence that she does see other guys. 

I mean the situation with this girl sounded mostly fine but you seemed very anxious. Maybe just try to relax and enjoy the person's company. Also people don't want to be accused "You're seeing another guy". I mean if you have proof that's different but you had nothing really to suggest that.

[boltnrun]

Please don't use another human for your own benefit to try to make yourself feel better. Especially someone who you know has feelings for you. I doubt you'd want to be used that way.

[TheG]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well if it looked like she actually did really like you then maybe you were just overanalysing things? You seemed fixated on this idea that maybe she's with another guy or something like that. I mean, if you call or text though she should reply so I understand why you got worried. You did say though that she called you back even if she missed your calls. 

I know you've had a bad experience but maybe you should try to go into dating with a clean slate. There might be some women who are seeing other guys as well but some won't be. I don't think it's good to have that preconceived idea straight away and go into dating being suspicious. Just try to trust the girl you're dating unless you have evidence that she does see other guys. 

I mean the situation with this girl sounded mostly fine but you seemed very anxious. Maybe just try to relax and enjoy the person's company. Also people don't want to be accused "You're seeing another guy". I mean if you have proof that's different but you had nothing really to suggest that.

True. I did mess up I know. But I wish she could have maybe been more understanding of my insecurities and try to convince me otherwise. Its not a fair expectation but it is what I needed. Instead she just got angry and probably turned off, which is understandable...

[Tinydance]

You were really over analysing everything that girl was doing. You said you were with her and she didn't answer a call. You got suspicious that she didn't answer because it was another guy. I actually don't answer calls when I'm on a date or even just with a friend because I think it's rude. 

Also you analysed her social media behaviours and posts. This is not healthy. 

 

[TheG]

Just now, Tinydance said:

Sorry but I don't think that person has to be understanding that you're suspicious and think they're with someone else. You actually need to work on that.

For example on a Thursday at my job I worked two shifts. The first shift 8:45 a.m.  - 3:15 p.m. Then I went home only for about an hour and then would start another shift 5:30 p.m. - 8:30 p.m. It also required me to drive 30 minutes from one job to the other. If for example I didn't answer a call or text during that time but the person I'm dating was like: "Are you with another guy?" I'd be pretty annoyed.

 

But I think if you really liked the person you would try to understand why he/she thought that and discuss it more in depth ? If i was acuused of seeing someone else I wouldnt be angry or offended. I would try to get to the bottom of it and work on a solution to the issue. I would be understanding if my patterns were not the same towards her 

[TheG]

2 minutes ago, TheG said:

But I think if you really liked the person you would try to understand why he/she thought that and discuss it more in depth ? If i was acuused of seeing someone else I wouldnt be angry or offended. I would try to get to the bottom of it and work on a solution to the issue. I would be understanding if my patterns were not the same towards her. "lol No babe I am not seeing other guys I just had a busy day etc etc you know you my woman"

 

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, TheG said:

But I think if you really liked the person you would try to understand why he/she thought that and discuss it more in depth ? If i was acuused of seeing someone else I wouldnt be angry or offended. I would try to get to the bottom of it and work on a solution to the issue. I would be understanding if my patterns were not the same towards her 

Personally I think that if in the early stages of dating someone is acting suspicious and insecure for no reason, it's a turn off. Even if that person likes you but why should they deal with being accused they're seeing someone else? 

That's your responsibility to work on your insecurities. The other person doesn't really have to baby you and cater to you if you're actually not acting rational.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, TheG said:

But I think if you really liked the person you would try to understand why he/she thought that and discuss it more in depth ? If i was acuused of seeing someone else I wouldnt be angry or offended. I would try to get to the bottom of it and work on a solution to the issue. I would be understanding if my patterns were not the same towards her 

I agree with Tinydance.  I would feel like the victim of a controlling person and that he was rigidly sticking to patterns then hugely overreacting and accusing me of not texting because I was with someone else. I wouldn't want to understand why I'd been accused of wrongdoing based on not responding to a text when I was tired.  I'd want to understand what possessed the person to think it was ok to treat me that way. 

I ended a short term dating relationship precisely because he made comments like this -then he apologized profusely and promised to change -we'd been on a handful of dates.  And he did! For a whole week!  Then back to the same nonsense. Nope not for me and not for me to "understand" -I was not his therapist.

[TheG]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Tinydance.  I would feel like the victim of a controlling person and that he was rigidly sticking to patterns then hugely overreacting and accusing me of not texting because I was with someone else. I wouldn't want to understand why I'd been accused of wrongdoing based on not responding to a text when I was tired.  I'd want to understand what possessed the person to think it was ok to treat me that way. 

I ended a short term dating relationship precisely because he made comments like this -then he apologized profusely and promised to change -we'd been on a handful of dates.  And he did! For a whole week!  Then back to the same nonsense. Nope not for me and not for me to "understand" -I was not his therapist.

I honestly was going to let the phone thing slide until she asked me why I hadnt contacted her the whole weekend. She said "I saw calls and messages from everyone else but you". So part of the reason I decided to express my feelings was that on that day (where she complained that I didnt reach out) she missed a few of my calls. I was calling her to explain that I didnt call her not because I dont care about her wellbeing, but because I thought she was with another guy

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Tinydance.  I would feel like the victim of a controlling person and that he was rigidly sticking to patterns then hugely overreacting and accusing me of not texting because I was with someone else. I wouldn't want to understand why I'd been accused of wrongdoing based on not responding to a text when I was tired.  I'd want to understand what possessed the person to think it was ok to treat me that way.

Well he also said he thought she had someone else for reasons that don't actually seem rational to me. He was on a date with her and she didn't answer a call. To me that actually makes no sense. Would he rather she did answer calls on their dates and just ignored him while talking to other people on the phone? I would have thought her not answering was actually a good thing because she was being respectful. It could have literally been anyone that called her. Her boss, friend, her parents. Why automatically his mind jumped to that it must be another guy?

Also he got suspicious that she wasn't posting whatsapp or Facebook statuses as much. That actually doesn't mean anything. Maybe she didn't have much to say or she was busy. It's like he was trying to read into every aspect of her behaviour to find proof that she's talking to other guys. That sounds like quite strong insecurity and paranoia.

[Tinydance]

Just now, TheG said:

I honestly was going to let the phone thing slide until she asked me why I hadnt contacted her the whole weekend. She said "I saw calls and messages from everyone else but you". So part of the reason I decided to express my feelings was that on that day (where she complained that I didnt reach out) she missed a few of my calls. I was calling her to explain that I didnt call her not because I dont care about her wellbeing, but because I thought she was with another guy

I don't think you should have said about another guy. I mean she told you her phone screen was cracked and she couldn't see some calls. If she was wondering why you hadn't contacted her doesn't that imply she wanted to hear from you? That's a good thing, right?

[TheG]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Well he also said he thought she had someone else for reasons that don't actually seem rational to me. He was on a date with her and she didn't answer a call. To me that actually makes no sense. Would he rather she did answer calls on their dates and just ignored him while talking to other people on the phone? I would have thought her not answering was actually a good thing because she was being respectful. It could have literally been anyone that called her. Her boss, friend, her parents. Why automatically his Mum jumped to that it must be another guy?

Also he got suspicious that she wasn't posting whatsapp or Facebook statuses as much. That actually doesn't mean anything. Maybe she didn't have much to say or she was busy. It's like he was trying to read into every aspect of her behaviour to find proof that she's talking to other guys. That sounds like quite strong insecurity and paranoia.

But if you are calling me "boyfriend" and "my love" why are you on dates with other people

[Batya33]

Yes I agree with Tinydance completely.  (I do my best never to answer a text or call when I'm with someone.  If I am expecting a call, then I tell the person in advance that I might have to take a call.). 

[boltnrun]

Just now, TheG said:

But if you are calling me "boyfriend" and "my love" why are you on dates with other people

You know for a fact she went on a date with someone else?

[Tinydance]

Just now, TheG said:

But if you are calling me "boyfriend" and "my love" why are you on dates with other people

You have proof she was on dates with other people?