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Struggling with insecurity and fear


TheG
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Greeting ENotAloners, glad to be back and hope you are all in one piece since my post about 2 years ago

So I am 28 years old and the woman in question is 22. I havent been in a serious relationship for 2 years and it has been great; being busy with my goals, got a new job and my music side hustle has grown alot. The most enjoyable part has been not dealing with relationship anxiety and generally being at peace. 

1 month ago on my way to a music gig, I passed by a friend to drop off flowers for a recent loss she had incurred. When I was there I met her niece (22) and she caught my attention immediately. Anyway I didnt entertain it and proceeded to my gig. A day or 2 later I asked my friend about her niece and she ended up giving me her numbers. Me and the niece kicked it off from the get go and we just connected like a puzzle, I couldnt believe my luck.

Early on in our engaments, she would send me good morning messages but she stopped and now depends on me to send them. Of which I dont mind; but this change has added to my insecurity. Somehow I am finding it hard to believe that I am the only guy in her life, she is quite amazing (well from what Iv experienced so far). Recently she has has been missing alot of my calls but she does get back to me every time (she wasn't missing them as much at first). There was a time I was with her and she got a phone call which she did not answer. There could have been alot of reasons for this but it added to my insecurities. She recently disclosed that she is on contraceptives, which she started about 2 years back. This also made me uncomfortable because her and I have not been sexually active as yet. Sometimes she leaves social media for a day or 2 just to take a break from it and this is something she told me from the beginning, but once again it makes me think of a lot of possibilities. Early on in the relationship she used to post on whatspp stories but now I havent seen a whatsapp story in a while. 

She has an abusive mother and a dad who got incapacitated by Covid (he cant speak now) which might be important information for this situation. Her dad and mom are divorced. 

In my 2 years of being single I have developed a habit of switching off my emotions when I am uncomfortable. Whenever I feel insecure about something with her I just switch off and she ends up complaining about me being quite, not responsive or cold and then I adjust and remind myself that I am just being insecure and alot of these things may have good reason. But these cycles of me switching off emotionally could end up affecting my relationship with her.

In the past I have dealt with woman that I was insecure about and ended up being right about them cheating etc and I have the same fear of course with her although she hasnt given me solid reason for this. I can definitely tell that she really likes me, she shows it but I am struggling with my security due to these small things that happen. 

Am i looking for reasons to run away or are the things I am picking up some flags that I should be wary of? If I am overthinking, things what can I do to become more secure about her so that I can do my best in the relationship and give us a fair chance. 

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1 hour ago, TheG said:

We are dating. We see each other at least once a week. So iv seen her about 4 times to date

Ok, sounds good. 4 dates is in it's infancy, so give it time to learn about each other's personalities, communication styles, etc. So far so good. Try not to take the temperature of everything all the time.. So far, so good.

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I am an "overthinker". As a result of that I rarely get surpised by stuff as I already thought about the possibility and did "What If". That could be a good thing as you are prepared for bad stuff but can be a bad thing as it can ruin a good stuff.  I am telling you this because you seem like an "overthinker" too.

Anyway, I think there is a possibility of her "getting colder" or even dating others. Not so "chummy" as in the start, avoids you sometimes etc. Good news is that you are still at the start so you dont have to get "all in" there. You saw her 4 times. It maybe fizzles, it maybe goes somewhere, its still very early. Just be careful as signs are not that positive.

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3 hours ago, TheG said:

Greeting ENotAloners, glad to be back and hope you are all in one piece since my post about 2 years ago

So I am 28 years old and the woman in question is 22. I havent been in a serious relationship for 2 years and it has been great; being busy with my goals, got a new job and my music side hustle has grown alot. The most enjoyable part has been not dealing with relationship anxiety and generally being at peace. 

1 month ago on my way to a music gig, I passed by a friend to drop off flowers for a recent loss she had incurred. When I was there I met her niece (22) and she caught my attention immediately. Anyway I didnt entertain it and proceeded to my gig. A day or 2 later I asked my friend about her niece and she ended up giving me her numbers. Me and the niece kicked it off from the get go and we just connected like a puzzle, I couldnt believe my luck.

Early on in our engaments, she would send me good morning messages but she stopped and now depends on me to send them. Of which I dont mind; but this change has added to my insecurity. Somehow I am finding it hard to believe that I am the only guy in her life, she is quite amazing (well from what Iv experienced so far). Recently she has has been missing alot of my calls but she does get back to me every time (she wasn't missing them as much at first). There was a time I was with her and she got a phone call which she did not answer. There could have been alot of reasons for this but it added to my insecurities. She recently disclosed that she is on contraceptives, which she started about 2 years back. This also made me uncomfortable because her and I have not been sexually active as yet. Sometimes she leaves social media for a day or 2 just to take a break from it and this is something she told me from the beginning, but once again it makes me think of a lot of possibilities. Early on in the relationship she used to post on whatspp stories but now I havent seen a whatsapp story in a while. 

She has an abusive mother and a dad who got incapacitated by Covid (he cant speak now) which might be important information for this situation. Her dad and mom are divorced. 

In my 2 years of being single I have developed a habit of switching off my emotions when I am uncomfortable. Whenever I feel insecure about something with her I just switch off and she ends up complaining about me being quite, not responsive or cold and then I adjust and remind myself that I am just being insecure and alot of these things may have good reason. But these cycles of me switching off emotionally could end up affecting my relationship with her.

In the past I have dealt with woman that I was insecure about and ended up being right about them cheating etc and I have the same fear of course with her although she hasnt given me solid reason for this. I can definitely tell that she really likes me, she shows it but I am struggling with my security due to these small things that happen. 

Am i looking for reasons to run away or are the things I am picking up some flags that I should be wary of? If I am overthinking, things what can I do to become more secure about her so that I can do my best in the relationship and give us a fair chance. 

That’s a large age gap in your twenties. Is she in post secondary school and living at home with her parents? I suggest you learn to trust her or risk sabotaging what you’ve found.

If there are things you dislike or find her immature end it respectfully and move on. Why do you suspect she’s missing “a lot of your calls”? Do you call way too often and she’s genuinely busy or do you feel she’s dealing with too much to nurture a healthy, communicative relationship? 

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What you need to do is ask HER all the questions you've posted here.  You can't read her mind and neither can she.  If she values dating you and possibly grow into a relationship with you, she will be receptive to your questions and give you calm, reassuring answers.  Or, she may tell you what you don't wish to hear yet it's better to know the brutal truth than wonder if this dating phase or relationship will thrive or fail.

Don't ask her questions over text.  Have an in depth conversation with her IN PERSON which is the best, most effective way.  Electronic correspondence can get you into trouble as I've experienced.  People are more apt to have interacting, thorough dialogue with you in person vs. electronically.  Maddening and bombarding texting back 'n forth can often times result in disastrous estrangement and you don't want to risk going this route. 

When you see her in person, either she'll answer your questions and put your fears and anxiety to rest or the conversation could go awry with anger and frustration.  It's better to get to know people this way because this is your opportunity to determine if this woman was meant for you long term or short term. 

It's better to observe how a person really is when challenged respectfully.  If they're quick to anger by sending you to the guillotine, then you'll know you're dealing with an unreasonably impulsive, highly charged emotional person which is disdainful.  If you're interacting with an emotionally intelligent (empathetic), benevolent person who is willing to resolve interpersonal relations, dialogue and communication, this type of person is worth retaining.  Any other type of person is high maintenance, intolerable and unacceptable.  Never be with a person who causes you to constantly act with trepidation because you'll have to sell your soul in order to keep the mentally exhausting rapport afloat. 

Don't play guessing games.  Be very clear yet respectful, calm, gentle and firm from the start.  See where it takes you.  Hopefully, you'll have a productive, positive outcome.  If it's a negative outcome, at least you'll know that you won't be wasting your time, energy and resources on her.  Better to know now than later.

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9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, sounds good. 4 dates is in it's infancy, so give it time to learn about each other's personalities, communication styles, etc. So far so good. Try not to take the temperature of everything all the time.. So far, so good.

Thanks. You have given me sound advice all these years. I trust your wisdom

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7 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

That’s a large age gap in your twenties. Is she in post secondary school and living at home with her parents? I suggest you learn to trust her or risk sabotaging what you’ve found.

If there are things you dislike or find her immature end it respectfully and move on. Why do you suspect she’s missing “a lot of your calls”? Do you call way too often and she’s genuinely busy or do you feel she’s dealing with too much to nurture a healthy, communicative relationship? 

Yes. Post secondary and staying with parents. She has a partime job and drives herself by the way. Shes above her age 

 

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It's not really realistic to expect that anyone can maintain the same intensity of focus that they displayed during startup of dating.

Real life interferes with the protective bubble we first form around that initial focus. So you're dating while you're both handling all the daily slings and arrows that can diffuse that focus.

I wouldn't talk yourself into insecurity, because it will change the way you relate to her--from the initially confident and welcoming person that attracted her to a person trying to cover a suspicious one-down feeling. Unfortunately, that can prompt a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Have you considered working with a counselor to address your insecurities? This doesn't imply that they are 'bad,' we all have them to some degree, but if you're sabotaging your own joy by trying to read tea leaves, it couldn't hurt to discuss this with someone who is trained in this stuff and can offer some coping tools to ride out the uncertainty of new relationships.

Head high, and congrats on finding someone you like.

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On 9/22/2022 at 6:14 PM, boltnrun said:

Are you two in a committed relationship? Have you two discussed and agreed to exclusively date only each other?

You used the word "relationship", so this is why I am asking.

Can you let us know @TheG?

It sounds very early stage and casual to me, so she might be dating other people if you haven't asked her to be exclusive.

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4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Can you let us know @TheG?

It sounds very early stage and casual to me, so she might be dating other people if you haven't asked her to be exclusive.

I haven't formally asked her to commit but she has called me her boyfriend a couple of times and has said to me that shes not seeing anyone. 

She said she wont make plans with anybody else but me next weekend. So I guess my insecurity should be normal at this point in the relationship. Maybe spending more time with her will help me understand her patterns and become more secure. I think my past relationships have caused me to become overly cautious 

Whenever I read the reponses on this post and type out my feelings and the situation, I end up putting things into perspective and actually feeling more secure, its interesting. 

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52 minutes ago, TheG said:

Whenever I read the reponses on this post and type out my feelings and the situation, I end up putting things into perspective and actually feeling more secure, its interesting. 

That's really good. Make a deliberate decision to avoid drilling yourself downward into insecure suspicions, and observe yourself when you're tempted to do that. Pause it.

Counter with logic: if you believe that using your critical inner voice to talk yourself into insecurity will somehow 'protect' you from getting hurt, the opposite is true. You'll still hurt, but you'll be bringing the hurt upon yourself. AND, if nothing is really wrong, you've suffered anyway, while if the worst does happen, you'll have suffered TWICE.

This doesn't mean you need to operate blindly, but if you program yourself to expect the worst, you'll simply 'proof seek' for every negative aspect to confirm that expectation, and this is actually the most efficient way to bring the worst to fruition. 

I'd rather expect the best, and if I get crushed, I'll figure out how to reach for my best residency to bounce back--as opposed to living in a perpetual state of suffering and anxiety that won't prevent anything except joy.

Head high, you can do this.

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