Struggling with insecurity and fear

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, TheG said:

Because I didnt understand why shes on contraceptives. and I convinced myself that it was for the menstrual cycles. But when all of these things accumulated, I couldnt convince myself anymore...

But what accumulated? Just random things that YOU convinced yourself were bad.

[TheG]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Actually it's not really your business why she was on contraceptives. Maybe you don't know much about female contraceptives but they can also be taken for other reasons other than just for sex. Some of them clear up acne for example. Some women have painful periods or bad PMS symptoms and they help. Some have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and they help.

Also even if she took them when she was seeing other guys, so what? If this was before meeting you and she was single, she can do what she wants. 

You were treating her like it's the Spanish Inquisition or something. If you were so convinced she was seeing other guys, you could have strapped her to a lie detector? 😂

I told myself all these things: pain for menstrual cycles, acne. That's why when she replied that she takes them to prevent many things, I didnt ask any further question

[TheG]

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

But what accumulated? Just random things that YOU convinced yourself were bad.

But not talking to me for 4 days and coming back and saying your phone screen broke...

That same weekend, I asked to meet with her and she said she had plans with her best friend. Which I believed. She then said she will clear her schedule for me for the next weekend (from today)

But when these things accumulated, really, can you blame me?

I am not making these things up by the way. This is intricate information that I didnt feel I needed to add initially

[Tinydance]

Just now, TheG said:

I told myself all these things: pain for menstrual cycles, acne. That's why when she replied that she takes them to prevent many things, I didnt ask any further question

Yeah and why should you ask further questions? Let's just say she was on them because she was dating other guys before you. So what? She didn't even know you so she could do what she wants. Women don't just go off contraceptives, if they're dating they will often stay on them. There's no reason just to stop them. They also help with other things so even if the woman is single she may prefer to keep taking them. For example, when I took them they really cleared up my skin. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, TheG said:

I told myself all these things: pain for menstrual cycles, acne. That's why when she replied that she takes them to prevent many things, I didnt ask any further question

It was kind of her to share her personal medical history with you.  But then you somehow accumulated it with other things showing....what?

Please don't date if you have this penchant to ask intrusive questions and unload on people you don't know really well especially because of your insecurities. It's unfair and no fun.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, TheG said:

But not talking to me for 4 days and coming back and saying your phone screen broke...

That same weekend, I asked to meet with her and she said she had plans with her best friend. Which I believed. 

But when these things accumulated, really, can you blame me?

I am not making these things up by the way. This is intricate information that I didnt feel I needed to add initially

You decided to view them through your negative, insecure mindset.  Kind of like a parent who presumes their child is hiding something and makes the child feel guilty until proven innocent.

[Tinydance]

Just now, TheG said:

But not talking to me for 4 days and coming back and saying your phone screen broke...

That same weekend, I asked to meet with her and she said she had plans with her best friend. Which I believed. 

But when these things accumulated, really, can you blame me?

Well not talking for four days is different. But everything else you wrote basically just sounded like you making assumptions. 

Also everyone has something "wrong" with them. Nobody is perfect. OK so her parents are divorced. How is that her fault? 

If you were actually looking for something bad to find, of course you were going to find it.

[TheG]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It was kind of her to share her personal medical history with you.  But then you somehow accumulated it with other things showing....what?

Please don't date if you have this penchant to ask intrusive questions and unload on people you don't know really well especially because of your insecurities. It's unfair and no fun.

She brought up the contraceptive thing herself. She had flu and she said shes going to get medication and stock up on contraceptives because she ran out. Is it not normal to ask why shes on them? Could have been for acne or menstrual pain. She said to "prevent many things" 

[TheG]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well not talking for four days is different. But everything else you wrote basically just sounded like you making assumptions. 

Also everyone has something "wrong" with them. Nobody is perfect. OK so her parents are divorced. How is that her fault? 

If you were actually looking for something bad to find, of course you were going to find it.

I am not saying its her fault. I jjust kept an open mind. Women with divorced parents is kind of a red flag. Divorce affects the children negatively

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, TheG said:

I am not saying its her fault. I jjust kept an open mind. Women with divorced parents is kind of a red flag. Divorce affects the children negatively

Yeah but so can anything. Getting bullied at school can also affect you negatively. Getting robbed can affect you negatively. Being in a car accident, the list goes on.

[TheG]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah but so can anything. Getting bullied at school can also affect you negatively. Getting robbed can affect you negatively. Being in a car accident, the list goes on.

Look what Im saying is I could have been wrong or right, I decided to express my concerns. She didnt like it, Still doesnt change the fact that I could have been right

The fact is, we not talking now. Another fact is that I had to express myself

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, TheG said:

Look what Im saying is I could have been wrong or right, I decided to express my concerns. She didnt like it, Still doesnt change the fact that I could have been right

The fact is, we not talking now. Another fact is that I had to express myself

I don't think you actually had any evidence that she was seeing other guys. I know she didn't reply to you for four days. You could have said: "I hadn't heard from you for a few days, is everything OK?" I mean you didn't know why you hadn't heard from her. She said it was because of the phone. Maybe it was true or she was lying but you could have given her the benefit of the doubt. 

If she wasn't replying to your messages much then sure you could maybe think she wasn't as interested in you. But that would have nothing to do with her parents, social media, being on contraceptives, missing a call when she's out with you.

[Batya33]

I think if your mindset is this skewed to suspicion about a new person you're not ready to date or form close friendships right now until you get to the root of what's really going on here.  And I mean "this skewed" -please don't presume I'm telling you to glibly or naively trust strangers or new people.  I'm not.  It's quite alarming and to me it says it's to justify playing it reallllly safe and never making yourself vulnerable to really getting to know someone and taking some risks.  Healthy women are going to see your comments and "expressing" yourself as huge red flags and run.  I did when I was dating and I'm sure glad I did.  

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think if your mindset is this skewed to suspicion about a new person you're not ready to date or form close friendships right now until you get to the root of what's really going on here.  And I mean "this skewed" -please don't presume I'm telling you to glibly or naively trust strangers or new people.  I'm not.  It's quite alarming and to me it says it's to justify playing it reallllly safe and never making yourself vulnerable to really getting to know someone and taking some risks.  Healthy women are going to see your comments and "expressing" yourself as huge red flags and run.  I did when I was dating and I'm sure glad I did.  

Well the thing is I think we do need to trust people as a baseline. That's how we develop relationships and friendships. In life you can get hurt by anyone. Even by friends too. I understand bad experiences can be traumatic but we will have them in life. Everyone has them.

The important thing is to try to go into meeting every person with a clean slate and an open mind. If you actually find good reasons not to trust that person, then sure.

For example if OP was on a date and he sees someone calling the girl and the name comes up on the screen "John" with a love heart next to it. That's very different to just if someone called and she didn't pick up. People don't usually pick up when they're with other people because it's not urgent. It could literally be anyone that called. There is no reason at all to think it's another guy.

We can always find something to read into anyone's behaviours. For example, some women like to dress nice and do their hair and wear make-up. You could think: "Oh she looks really nice". Or you could think: "Why is she dressing up, is it because she's doing it for another guy?" The mind can really come up with all kinds of thoughts and it's our responsibility to keep that in check.

[boltnrun]

It is not her job to coddle your irrational accusations.

I too would have run the other way. Your mindset is extremely paranoid and unhealthy.

And please, divorced parents means she lies and has daddy issues? 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, TheG said:

 . We had decided that we were going to engage sexually. Just before the whole phone situation, she even wanted to send me nudes. 

These are red flags. It's important to realize that you're not insecure, you're angry. Angry that an ex cheated, angry that a supposedly planned hookup didn't happen. 

Try to stop playing the "insecure" card. You're trying to give yourself an excuse for going off on someone because you expected sex.

Remember, trying to imply that you're insecure and women need to assuage these supposed insecurities by kowtowing to you and your expectations is manipulative.

As far as contacting an ex for attention? Why bother unless you were hoping she was up for whatever? 

Work on getting your sense of entitlement under control, especially if you think someone has to answer their phone when you want and have sex when you want.

The "insecurities" card is just an excuse and a pity party that you didn't hookup with this woman. Actually you were annoyed and saw fit to dress her down as if she owed you something.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well the thing is I think we do need to trust people as a baseline. That's how we develop relationships and friendships. In life you can get hurt by anyone. Even by friends too. I understand bad experiences can be traumatic but we will have them in life. Everyone has them.

The important thing is to try to go into meeting every person with a clean slate and an open mind. If you actually find good reasons not to trust that person, then sure.

For example if OP was on a date and he sees someone calling the girl and the name comes up on the screen "John" with a love heart next to it. That's very different to just if someone called and she didn't pick up. People don't usually pick up when they're with other people because it's not urgent. It could literally be anyone that called. There is no reason at all to think it's another guy.

We can always find something to read into anyone's behaviours. For example, some women like to dress nice and do their hair and wear make-up. You could think: "Oh she looks really nice". Or you could think: "Why is she dressing up, is it because she's doing it for another guy?" The mind can really come up with all kinds of thoughts and it's our responsibility to keep that in check.

I agree with you -trusting someone as a baseline also doesn't mean naivete.  The OP is going to try to take what I write to an extreme as if I'm suggesting he be naive/blind.  I'm not so I wanted to make that very very clear.

My friend and I each met the same guy through an online site -she went out with him a number of times and I met him once.  I'm very good at sussing out red flags. This man was pleasant, charming, brought me a small treat (a type of cookie I said I liked) and told me about how his fiancee had died of cancer (and so had my best friend) and a couple of other things about him.  I didn't want to see him again because I found him dull and kind of stuffy.

But then my friend and I compared notes and we realized it was the same guy and what he'd told her was completely different -he disappeared after date 4 and she'd bought him a gift.  Sigh. 

So of course there are scam artists out there.  (And I mean I don't want to diagnose him -just saying -same guy and the stories he told her were pretty out there -Nobel prize variety, etc -it was bizarre and creepy).  I wouldn't have known otherwise and had we clicked I might have seen him again.  

[TheG]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

These are red flags. It's important to realize that you're not insecure, you're angry. Angry that an ex cheated, angry that a supposedly planned hookup didn't happen. 

Try to stop playing the "insecure" card. You're trying to give yourself an excuse for going off on someone because you expected sex.

Remember, trying to imply that you're insecure and women need to assuage these supposed insecurities by kowtowing to you and your expectations is manipulative.

As far as contacting an ex for attention? Why bother unless you were hoping she was up for whatever? 

Work on getting your sense of entitlement under control, especially if you think someone has to answer their phone when you want and have sex when you want.

The "insecurities" card is just an excuse and a pity party that you didn't hookup with this woman. Actually you were annoyed and saw fit to dress her down as if she owed you something.

Honestly here I will say you are wrong. Really sex was not a priority for me at all, even if we didnt have it. I would not have minded. What I am really looking for is companionship which I was enjoying with her. I promise sex is the least of my worries with her. If it was, I would have ignored everything and pretend everything is ok until she comes through to my place

[TheG]

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It is not her job to coddle your irrational accusations.

I too would have run the other way. Your mindset is extremely paranoid and unhealthy.

And please, divorced parents means she lies and has daddy issues? 

Not it doesnt mean that. But it is certainly something to note in terms of flags i think

[TheG]

On 9/30/2022 at 12:41 PM, Batya33 said:

I agree with you -trusting someone as a baseline also doesn't mean naivete.  The OP is going to try to take what I write to an extreme as if I'm suggesting he be naive/blind.  I'm not so I wanted to make that very very clear.

My friend and I each met the same guy through an online site -she went out with him a number of times and I met him once.  I'm very good at sussing out red flags. This man was pleasant, charming, brought me a small treat (a type of cookie I said I liked) and told me about how his fiancee had died of cancer (and so had my best friend) and a couple of other things about him.  I didn't want to see him again because I found him dull and kind of stuffy.

But then my friend and I compared notes and we realized it was the same guy and what he'd told her was completely different -he disappeared after date 4 and she'd bought him a gift.  Sigh. 

So of course there are scam artists out there.  (And I mean I don't want to diagnose him -just saying -same guy and the stories he told her were pretty out there -Nobel prize variety, etc -it was bizarre and creepy).  I wouldn't have known otherwise and had we clicked I might have seen him again.  

By the way, turns out I was right! She was busy with someone else. She made a blunder (i wont go into the details) which revealed the presence of someone else. She was hiding me from her whatspp status updates... damn

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, TheG said:

By the way, turns out I was right! She was busy with someone else. She made a blunder (i wont go into the details) which revealed the presence of someone else. She was hiding me from her whatspp status updates... damn

Ok, then onward and upward.

Try to stop yourself from getting super attached from the beginning. Of course you'll meet young women you like, but get to know them well before deciding they're the one for you.

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, TheG said:

By the way, turns out I was right! She was busy with someone else. She made a blunder (i wont go into the details) which revealed the presence of someone else. She was hiding me from her whatspp status updates... damn

Keep saying to yourself: 4 dates is Not a relationship. 4 dates is just an introduction to someone. 4 dates and you are both still talking to and meeting others until there is some talk of exclusivity. 4 dates is not the end of the world if things don't pan out.  After 4 dates, someone owes you nothing.

[TheG]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep saying to yourself: 4 dates is Not a relationship. 4 dates is just an introduction to someone. 4 dates and you are both still talking to and meeting others until there is some talk of exclusivity. 4 dates is not the end of the world if things don't pan out.  After 4 dates, someone owes you nothing.

Will do bro but just to add, she was the one calling me my love and her boyfriend so in that case, its a bit tough

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, TheG said:

Will do bro but just to add, she was the one calling me my love and her boyfriend so in that case, its a bit tough

But these should have been red flags.

Anyone who's doing that after four dates and some electronic communication is someone to be wary of.

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, TheG said:

she was the one calling me my love and her boyfriend 

All the more reason you dodged a bullet. She seems high on herself.