Struggling with insecurity and fear

[Batya33]

Just now, TheG said:

But if you are calling me "boyfriend" and "my love" why are you on dates with other people

Because you two hadn't yet established exclusivity.

[TheG]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

You know for a fact she went on a date with someone else?

Nope, im just replying to Tinydance's specfici situation. It is not similar to mine because the lady I am talking about gave the impression of a comitted relationship 

[TheG]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Because you two hadn't yet established exclusivity.

This is the gray area. She called me "boyfriend " and "my love" and told me shes not dating anyone 

[Tinydance]

Dude you actually sound very paranoid. You thought her doing basically anything meant she was with another guy. You found meaning in things that mean nothing. Posting patterns on social media. She actually did even tell you she takes breaks from social media so she actually explained why.

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, TheG said:

Nope, im just replying to Tinydance's specfici situation. It is not similar to mine because the lady I am talking about gave the impression of a comitted relationship 

 OK but why are you discussing "why was she dating other guys"? You actually have no evidence that she was so why do you keep talking about it?

[TheG]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Dude you actually sound very paranoid. You thought her doing basically anything meant she was with another guy. You found meaning in things that mean nothing. Posting patterns on social media. She actually did even tell you she takes breaks from social media so she actually explained why.

And I agree I could have been paranoid/insecure. But its also easy to say you take breaks from social media to make time for other people 

Look, the fact of the matter is that it was too soon for me to act this way. But please see my thought process as well. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, TheG said:

This is the gray area. She called me "boyfriend " and "my love" and told me shes not dating anyone 

But did she say she also wasn't looking to date anyone and did you say to her that's great I want to be your one and only? 

[TheG]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

 OK but why are you discussing "why was she dating other guys"? You actually have no evidence that she was so why do you keep talking about it?

Her actions, my intuition, my insecurity and possibly her dishonesty. We will never know. But I think what we know is that I should have waited before the accusations

But there is also an element of a dishonest relationship; where I pretend to be okay but I am actually not. Why cant I express my concerns. If you say it was too soon to express my concerns, it may be true, but also a tricky one

 

[TheG]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But did she say she also wasn't looking to date anyone and did you say to her that's great I want to be your one and only? 

She didnt. But why refer to me as your boyfriend and your love?

[TheG]

3 minutes ago, TheG said:

She didnt. But why refer to me as your boyfriend and your love?

I think what I am trying to say, and what I am realizing, is that this situation was not straight forward and probably some bad luck involved

why did her phone suddenly break at this time of the relationship? If this situation happened 10 months in. My same reaction could have bared a completely different result from her. I could have known her much more to the point that I knew for sure that her phone broke...

[Tinydance]

12 minutes ago, TheG said:

And I agree I could have been paranoid/insecure. But its also easy to say you take breaks from social media to make time for other people 

Look, the fact of the matter is that it was too soon for me to act this way. But please see my thought process as well. 

No I actually don't see it sorry 😕

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, TheG said:

Her actions, my intuition, my insecurity and possibly her dishonesty. We will never know. But I think what we know is that I should have waited before the accusations

But there is also an element of a dishonest relationship; where I pretend to be okay but I am actually not. Why cant I express my concerns. If you say it was too soon to express my concerns, it may be true, but also a tricky one

 

So here's the thing - you can do the work on your own to be ok - without subjecting her to your insecurities.  Subejcting her in the way you did is self-absorbed and potentially selfish.  And caring is done by giving to the other person -including giving them respect rather than hurling accusations as you did.

My husband and I have been together -this time around lol - for 17 years.  In 17 years I felt insecure about his feelings for me -whether he was thinking of not being with me anymore -one time in the last 17 years- after we were dating maybe 6 months. Why? Because he'd told me he would call me during the day -we had a plan to meet up that evening - and he didn't. 

I didn't hear from him for 6 hours and my mind went to worrying that something was wrong with us - not that something was wrong with him -meaning -not feeling well, a problem, etc. We met up at 7PM at a movie theater as planned.  Outside.  He was happy to see me.  He said the day had been soooo much busier than he thought it would be -many more and longer meetings. 

So did I share with him how worried I'd been? We were exclusive, in love.  NO.  Did I want to -I mean sure it feels good to let it out to the person you love.  But I decided- he is tired, he had a long day, we're about to have a fun evening - why subject him to my insecurities that day? So I didn't.  Because it was my responsibility to resolve my own insecurities. 

And yes there are times I feel my husband cares more about baseball than me (and it's true -he does during certain games!!), times I feel insecure - and we are married and I don't treat him as my sounding board and expect him to listen to me share all my worries/concerns/anxieties - it's not fair and it's not what a healthful relationship looks like.  You seem to think you're supposed to express all your feelings to your partner and your partner's job is to reassure you - sometimes, yes -but that's not about honesty -at the point you're doing it it's about oversharing.  

 

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, TheG said:

I think what I am trying to say, and what I am realizing, is that this situation was not straight forward and probably some bad luck involved

why did her phone suddenly break at this time of the relationship? If this situation happened 10 months in. My same reaction could have bared a completely different result from her. I could have known her much more to the point that I knew for sure that her phone broke...

Well, this is the thing, you DON'T know. You just have to trust the person and that's all. Unless you found reasons not to trust them. 

For example, they could tell you they need to reschedule your date because they're sick. Your first thought should be: "Awww, poor thing, she's sick". Not: "OMG she's not really sick, she's actually with another guy and she's lying to me". Thus way of thinking is paranoid and unhealthy.

[TheG]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So here's the thing - you can do the work on your own to be ok - without subjecting her to your insecurities.  Subejcting her in the way you did is self-absorbed and potentially selfish.  And caring is done by giving to the other person -including giving them respect rather than hurling accusations as you did.

My husband and I have been together -this time around lol - for 17 years.  In 17 years I felt insecure about his feelings for me -whether he was thinking of not being with me anymore -one time in the last 17 years- after we were dating maybe 6 months. Why? Because he'd told me he would call me during the day -we had a plan to meet up that evening - and he didn't. 

I didn't hear from him for 6 hours and my mind went to worrying that something was wrong with us - not that something was wrong with him -meaning -not feeling well, a problem, etc. We met up at 7PM at a movie theater as planned.  Outside.  He was happy to see me.  He said the day had been soooo much busier than he thought it would be -many more and longer meetings. 

So did I share with him how worried I'd been? We were exclusive, in love.  NO.  Did I want to -I mean sure it feels good to let it out to the person you love.  But I decided- he is tired, he had a long day, we're about to have a fun evening - why subject him to my insecurities that day? So I didn't.  Because it was my responsibility to resolve my own insecurities. 

And yes there are times I feel my husband cares more about baseball than me (and it's true -he does during certain games!!), times I feel insecure - and we are married and I don't treat him as my sounding board and expect him to listen to me share all my worries/concerns/anxieties - it's not fair and it's not what a healthful relationship looks like.  You seem to think you're supposed to express all your feelings to your partner and your partner's job is to reassure you - sometimes, yes -but that's not about honesty -at the point you're doing it it's about oversharing.  

 

What I can say about this is that there is an element of luck that didnt go my way. If the phone situation didnt happen at this time, I could have been with her right now, at my place, for the first time. Our dates had been in neutral places before. 

I could have spent even more time with her in person and a) confirm that she really is seeing other guys or b) she really is seeing me exclusively. Unfortunately, the timing of everything didnt allow this. 

The combination of the phone situation and her missing my calls on the day she reached out and asked my why I hadnt reached out to her just didnt work out.

So I am just realizing that maybe it wasnt meant to be 😞

[TheG]

7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well, this is the thing, you DON'T know. You just have to trust the person and that's all. Unless you found reasons not to trust them. 

For example, they could tell you they need to reschedule your date because they're sick. Your first thought should be: "Awww, poor thing, she's sick". Not: "OMG she's not really sick, she's actually with another guy and she's lying to me". Thus way of thinking is paranoid and unhealthy.

There was sort of a collection of incidences which I could have possibly be seen as reasons to not trust her.

Here are some of mine 

-Being on contraceptives

-Missing my calls 

- Once we were on a date and someone called and she ignored the phone call

-Willing to send me nudes so easily (complicated reason, goes hand in hand with point 1)

- She has disappeared for a day or 2 before (i was ok with this at first because she said she does disappear from social media sometimes)

-Her mom and dad being divorced (daddy issues)

-Her mom being abusive (maybe shes broken)

I am just being honest with what was going through my mind here

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, TheG said:

There was sort of a collection of incidences which I could have possibly be seen as reasons to not trust her.

Here are some of mine 

-Being on contraceptives

-Missing my calls 

- Once we were on a date and someone called and she ignored the phone call

-Willing to send me nudes so easily (complicated reason, goes hand in hand with point 1)

- She has disappeared for a day or 2 before (i was ok with this at first because she said she does disappear from social media sometimes)

-Her mom and dad being divorced (daddy issues)

-Her mom being abusive (maybe shes broken)

I am just being honest with what was going through my mind here

Well you were judging her and making assumptions about her. That's what I think was going on.

[TheG]

I could have been very wrong or very right. But why couldnt she be more understanding of my concerns even i they was wrong . Its ok to be wrong, just correct the person

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, TheG said:

What I can say about this is that there is an element of luck that didnt go my way. If the phone situation didnt happen at this time, I could have been with her right now, at my place, for the first time. Our dates had been in neutral places before. 

I could have spent even more time with her in person and a) confirm that she really is seeing other guys or b) she really is seeing me exclusively. Unfortunately, the timing of everything didnt allow this. 

The combination of the phone situation and her missing my calls on the day she reached out and asked my why I hadnt reached out to her just didnt work out.

So I am just realizing that maybe it wasnt meant to be 😞

No -realize that you chose to react to those situations in a specific way.  An unhealthy way.  

[TheG]

1 minute ago, TheG said:

I could have been very wrong or very right. But why couldnt she be more understanding of my concerns even i they was wrong . Its ok to be wrong, just correct the person

I asked her why shes on contraceptives and she said "to prevent alot of things". I didnt entertain this conversation further. Because I told myself that if it was that bad, she would have ever disclosed that to me. I really tried... 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, TheG said:

I could have been very wrong or very right. But why couldnt she be more understanding of my concerns even i they was wrong . Its ok to be wrong, just correct the person

Because it's not her job as an adult to comfort you when you subject her to your irrational insecurities.  And even if she felt understanding (I "understood" that insecure guy was feeling insecure) she also felt turned off most likely.  Not a good look early on.

[Batya33]

Just now, TheG said:

I asked her why shes on contraceptives and she said "to prevent alot of things". I didnt entertain this conversation further. Because I told myself that if it was that bad, she would have ever disclosed that to me. I really tried... 

Why did you ask her  this?  Were you having sex? For years I was on the birth control pill because I had really painful menstrual cycles -whether or not I was sexually active.

[TheG]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Because it's not her job as an adult to comfort you when you subject her to your irrational insecurities.  And even if she felt understanding (I "understood" that insecure guy was feeling insecure) she also felt turned off most likely.  Not a good look early on.

"Early on" thats why I say unfortunately all of this happened at the time it happened

 

[TheG]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why did you ask her  this?  Were you having sex? For years I was on the birth control pill because I had really painful menstrual cycles -whether or not I was sexually active.

Because I didnt understand why shes on contraceptives. and I convinced myself that it was for the menstrual cycles. But when all of these things accumulated, I couldnt convince myself anymore...

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, TheG said:

I asked her why shes on contraceptives and she said "to prevent alot of things". I didnt entertain this conversation further. Because I told myself that if it was that bad, she would have ever disclosed that to me. I really tried... 

Actually it's not really your business why she was on contraceptives. Maybe you don't know much about female contraceptives but they can also be taken for other reasons other than just for sex. Some of them clear up acne for example. Some women have painful periods or bad PMS symptoms and they help. Some have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and they help.

Also even if she took them when she was seeing other guys, so what? If this was before meeting you and she was single, she can do what she wants. 

You were treating her like it's the Spanish Inquisition or something. If you were so convinced she was seeing other guys, you could have strapped her to a lie detector? 😂

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, TheG said:

Because I didnt understand why shes on contraceptives. and I convinced myself that it was for the menstrual cycles. But when all of these things accumulated, I couldnt convince myself anymore...

Why the heck is that any of your business??