My girlfriends boss is in love with her

[GordonFreeman]

Hello 👋 

Ive been dating my gf for about 7 months now. So far things have gone amazingly well except for one major issue.

When we first met she constantly spoke so highly of her boss and how great of a mentor and teacher and friend he was. She spoke so highly of him at first I really was looking forward to meeting him. Well one day after we had been dating for maybe 2 or 3 months she let me know he had written her a love letter a few years ago and has actually been sexually harassing at work. He even divorced his long time wife right around the same time he gave her this love letter and this divorce is a secret she is apparently keeping with him from other co workers.
 

Anyway, she claimed it is no longer an issue and has set really good boundaries with him and worked really hard with her therapist to forgive her boss. I don’t think the boundaries are working very well because even up until we started dating he was still asking her out to dinners and giving her gifts and commenting about how she looked when wearing short dresses to work, creepy *** like that.

So the issue is, I don’t really feel comfortable with her going to social “work” functions where they are alone together. And I wouldn’t think she would feel comfortable doing that either. I thought we were clear on this but….the other day she went out of town to get her car fixed, to his home town, and decided to invite him to lunch to talk shop while her car was being fixed. I was stunned by this. She insisted she still wanted him to be her mentor and she wanted to be friends with him. I don’t understand how she could stand to be in the same room with this person let alone desire their friendship. A mentor wouldn’t sexually harass their mentee. I told her I’m not comfortable being in a relationship where she pursues a friendship with this man. A strictly professional relationship is fine, but inviting him to lunch on her day off without telling me is not ok.

 

Am I overreacting? She hasn’t given me a reason to not trust her besides this episode with the boss. My main point when we discussed it was that I felt hurt she went and did this without thinking at all how it would make me feel. She was hurt because she felt like I did not trust her. Honestly I don’t trust the boss but I’m confused why she would put herself in a situation like she did. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, GordonFreeman said:

 she let me know he had written her a love letter a few years ago and has actually been sexually harassing at work. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like she's dating this boss otherwise she would have quit if he was "sexually harassing" her.

Maybe you're the "cover" BF. The cover story they use to get the heat off them, because she certainly doesn't seem to respect you or your relationship. She seems to be chasing him.

It's only 7 mos and it's time to review if she's worth the headaches and heartaches.

[MissCanuck]

16 minutes ago, GordonFreeman said:

Am I overreacting?

No. She is behaving poorly here. 

17 minutes ago, GordonFreeman said:

I don’t understand how she could stand to be in the same room with this person let alone desire their friendship.

Probably because she is not being honest with you about the true nature of her history with him. Given how cozy they still seem, I tend to think her claims of harrassment are a bogus cover-up to defelct from their mutually inappropriate behaviour.

Sorry, man. I would drop her. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Gosh, RUN.

She is into him and actively seeks his attention despite having been "harassed" by him! She should have long gone to HR to complain, but instead she's playing victim to you while enjoying his attention.

Don't fall for her story/excuses. Bow out of this. She doesn't deserve your time. Her actions just speak volume on how much she's interested in him.

[Kwothe28]

I dont necesseraly think its just attention. I think your girlfriend is maybe on the "ambitious" side of things. Meaning that she fully enjoys work benefits of that relationship. She gets a "mentor" that likes her and sends her gifts, gets probably better work conditions and probably a chance for a better spot tomorrow. 

I have seen those kinds of behaviors before. Whether for staying at the spot they were or just to get ahead. They can think their Boss is a pig of the pigs. They can even be married with kids. But they would still do it. So yes, unless you want somebody who is giving her body for the position she is in at work, run.

Also, yes, she is not victim. She literally seeks him to go to lunch with him. Ask yourself why is she doing stuff like that.

[Rose Mosse]

Just pay attention to yourself and the way you feel. You’ve already told her how you feel and talked about it. She doesn’t agree with you and thinks you’re distrustful of her. That’s the bottomline. She does feel she’s not done anything wrong while you both cannot agree. 

This is not working out. Instead of endless fighting and describing what you’d like to see instead and running the risk of sounding insecure and controlling when someone you’re dating doesn’t have enough boundaries, date someone else who does. Seven months is a good time to discover these things and lift those rose coloured lenses. She’s not what you thought she was.

[smackie9]

 I can see that she probably loves her job and likes the people she works with, that is what she is defending here, not him. 

[lostandhurt]

Boundaries and respect are very important in a relationship.

He seems to care little of these things since he was chasing your gf at work while married.

Obviously HR at her work knows nothing of any of this or they would have stepped in and made it clear to him or fired him.

 All you can do is have a heart to heart with her about boundaries and respecting other peoples feelings.

  Then sit back and see how she either changes her behavior with this guy or not.  Then decide if you can be with her any longer.  No ultimatums, no snitching this guy off to HR just let her find her own way on this and if that isn't cool with you then you need to end things.

  We see things like this here a lot.  Some guy is in love with a great girl but she is "friends" with her ex and spend time together or some woman is dating a guy but he  has poor boundaries with other women.

  This is why you date and get to know someone. Unfortunately sometimes the more you know the worst things get.

Is she still accepting "gifts" from this guy?  What kind of gifts were they?

Lost

[GordonFreeman]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Boundaries and respect are very important in a relationship.

He seems to care little of these things since he was chasing your gf at work while married.

Obviously HR at her work knows nothing of any of this or they would have stepped in and made it clear to him or fired him.

 All you can do is have a heart to heart with her about boundaries and respecting other peoples feelings.

  Then sit back and see how she either changes her behavior with this guy or not.  Then decide if you can be with her any longer.  No ultimatums, no snitching this guy off to HR just let her find her own way on this and if that isn't cool with you then you need to end things.

  We see things like this here a lot.  Some guy is in love with a great girl but she is "friends" with her ex and spend time together or some woman is dating a guy but he  has poor boundaries with other women.

  This is why you date and get to know someone. Unfortunately sometimes the more you know the worst things get.

Is she still accepting "gifts" from this guy?  What kind of gifts were they?

Lost

She did report the initial letter to HR but refused to give it to them when they asked for proof, so I don’t think any disciplinary action came from it. That also seemed very odd to me.

 

she is chasing a career and is a very very amiable person, she will avoid conflict at all costs. As far as I know she has not accepted any gifts since we have been together, but they were more than just a pack of pens or a candy bar, they were substantial gifts and she did accept several I know for sure.

So after all of this yesterday she said out of the blue she is going out of town on a trip with her girlfriends to tour vineyards, basically a drinking vacation. Her friend said partners were welcome but I wasn’t invited or even told about it. Again, just seems odd…normally she invites me to just about everything, so when I’m not invited on purpose it raises my attention.

[boltnrun]

She's easing out of the relationship.Don't invest anymore time into this dead end situation. It isn't going to magically get better.

Make it easy on the both of you and tell her sorry but the relationship isn't working for you.

[GordonFreeman]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She's easing out of the relationship.Don't invest anymore time into this dead end situation. It isn't going to magically get better.

Make it easy on the both of you and tell her sorry but the relationship isn't working for you.

I’m not so sure, why would she be making vacation plans with me for next year and talk about moving in together. It certainly doesn’t seem like she is moving away from me. I’m just getting a lot of gut feelings that are not so good. Generally that doesn’t happen without a good reason.

[boltnrun]

Do you want to live with her knowing she has this ongoing relationship with her boss, regardless of whether she returns his feelings?

How will you feel, knowing she's spending her work days in his presence? What if she goes to a work event or travels for work? You wouldn't have any nagging doubts?

[DarkCh0c0]

Trust your gut feelings.

8 minutes ago, GordonFreeman said:

why would she be making vacation plans with me for next year and talk about moving in together.

Any person you date can talk about plans for months to come and hold them in front of you like a shiny object. However, they don't necessarily tell you whether or not they are into you or serious about you.

Again, trust your gut feeling and do what you need to do (aka let go of this person who is not as loyal and committed as they say they are to you)

[GordonFreeman]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Do you want to live with her knowing she has this ongoing relationship with her boss, regardless of whether she returns his feelings?

How will you feel, knowing she's spending her work days in his presence? What if she goes to a work event or travels for work? You wouldn't have any nagging doubts?

This boss is retiring in about a month but will stay on as an as needed basis to help her with her job. So I was hoping it would go away.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, GordonFreeman said:

 He even divorced his long time wife right around the same time he gave her this love letter and this divorce is a secret she is apparently keeping with him from other co workers.

inviting him to lunch on her day off

They are having an affair. On some level you know this.

[lostandhurt]

Trust your gut.  Most people don't want to listen to it simply because they don't want to know something that will end the relationship or cause drama.

If her other gf's are all going alone I could see you not being invited but if others are going it does seem odd at 7 months of dating.

  Advancing her career at all costs tells me she is willing to put up with and do things you are not going to be comfortable with.

Accepting substantial gifts from her boss is not cool at all (single or not) unless he bought them for EVERYONE that works under him.

It appears that she is using him to advance her career, get favorable assignments and evaluations and a possible promotion in the future.  I don't know about you but if this is true I would not be thinking of building a life with her.

  Since you are not going to dump her over this right now your best plan is to make sure she knows you are not telling her how to live her life of handle her career but you are not comfortable with X Y and Z so she knows for sure.  Then sit back and see what happens.  Free will in this case will show you who she really is, how much she values your feelings and concerns and how deeply she really cares for you.

To be straight with you this does not look good. 

Lost

[GordonFreeman]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

They are having an affair. On some level you know this.

Why would she tell me about all of this if she was having an affair with him? Tell me about the letter and then about how she invited him to lunch.

[lostandhurt]

9 minutes ago, GordonFreeman said:

This boss is retiring in about a month but will stay on as an as needed basis to help her with her job. So I was hoping it would go away.

This may make it worse as he will no longer be in danger of being fired for inappropriateness.  Is she applying for his old position?

How much older is this guy than your gf?

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Just now, GordonFreeman said:

Why would she tell me about all of this if she was having an affair with him? Tell me about the letter and then about how she invited him to lunch.

Cheaters do this.  They tell a story just in case the amount of contact between them causes suspicion. They tell a story but sprinkle in just enough of the truth to have some basis in reality just in case someone starts checking the story.

 Some of the first lines out of a cheaters mouth are:  "We are just friends" and "He is just a coworker"

Be smart and keep your eyes and ears wide open just in case this is way worse than it appears.

 Lost

[GordonFreeman]

Appreciate the feedback. I probably should’ve ended it after I heard about the lunch thing but She for sure knows where I stand in things and what I find acceptable. So I guess we will see.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, GordonFreeman said:

Why would she tell me about all of this if she was having an affair with him? Tell me about the letter and then about how she invited him to lunch.

What the heck  is a "secret divorce" anyway?

He's her plus one on the wine trip.  Maybe she'll tell you after.

If she needs to screw her way to the top, she doesn't have much integrity, does she?

[GordonFreeman]

4 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

This may make it worse as he will no longer be in danger of being fired for inappropriateness.  Is she applying for his old position?

How much older is this guy than your gf?

Lost

Yes she is. He is double her age.

[lostandhurt]

2 minutes ago, GordonFreeman said:

Appreciate the feedback. I probably should’ve ended it after I heard about the lunch thing but She for sure knows where I stand in things and what I find acceptable. So I guess we will see.

You have little to lose other than some time.  Now that your eyes are opened you may see things you missed before.  It sucks to meet someone and think the world of them only to find things out that are not so good.  Sometimes we justify them or make excuses for them but deep down it is still a problem that will eventually find its way to the surface.  Best to be honest with yourself sooner rather than later.

  Be smart and patient

 Lost

[lostandhurt]

4 minutes ago, GordonFreeman said:

Yes she is. He is double her age.

Sugar daddy perhaps?  I am sure you are not getting the whole story here as there are just to many holes in this thing. Secret divorce, love letter reported but not given to HR, lunch date while her car is being fixed(I wonder who paid for the repairs) and just the all around sketchiness of this.

  Let us know how it plays out.

Lost

[catfeeder]

What kind of 'boundaries' include inviting your harrasser to a private lunch?

None of this makes sense, and that's on her.