Worried that my relationship is doomed because of my porn decisions.

[oats23]

For the past 1.5 years I (19m) have been in a relationship with my dream partner (19f). We share many interests, we have fun and laugh with each other all the time, we are both high achieving in school, and we are understanding of each others needs and wants. We trust each other with anything and everything, and we have never had any major relationship issues. Our families are now great friends, and my siblings (especially my younger brother) think she is amazing. I honestly believe that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I'm sure she feels the same.

However, I've been suffering from extreme guilt for the past few months and it's starting to seriously eat away at me.

In March of this year, I confessed to my girlfriend that I had been habitually watching porn during our relationship after a long discussion about whether or not it was healthy in a committed relationship. Although she was a little upset, she was understanding and I told her I would stop. What I didn't tell her was about my other masturbation habits. Since I was around 14 or 15, I would occasionally masturbate to fantasies involving celebrities, classmates, and even female friends. This was not very often (maybe once a month) but I would occasionally do this instead of watching porn, and I would even sometimes go to their social media pages (instagram) and masturbate to their photos. This habit continued when I began dating my girlfriend and for some reason, I never felt guilty or wrong about this until we had our discussion about porn.

Since then, I have not been able to make the guilt go away. I have significantly cut down on my porn consumption and I have stopped masturbating to Instagram pictures and fantasies completely, but I still feel terrible. Every day I get so upset with myself for my actions. I feel like I cheated on her and completely betrayed her trust, and I can't imagine how hurt she would be if she found out. I know I need to tell her, but I just don't see how we'll be able to patch things together afterwards.

I am so angry and ashamed - I love and value her so much and she deserves the absolute best. I feel like a total creep and I will never make this mistake again, but I am scared that she'll never be able to look at me the same. I would really appreciate some advice on what to do going forward, and if this is something that we can bounce back from.

[bluecastle]

19 minutes ago, oats23 said:

In March of this year, I confessed to my girlfriend that I had been habitually watching porn during our relationship after a long discussion about whether or not it was healthy in a committed relationship. Although she was a little upset, she was understanding and I told her I would stop.

Sorry about the emotional turmoil. 

I'd like to better understand how this "confession" came up, and what you mean, exactly, by her being understanding. I ask this because I'm not quite making sense of the level of guilt you have since she seemed, at least from what you wrote, to be pretty non-judgmental. 

And was the agreement after this chat that you would cease to masturbate to any fantastical material? Did it boil down to your girlfriend feeling like masturbating was a form of infidelity, if the material used (from the internet, from your imagination) was not her-centric? 

For whatever it's worth, and this coming from someone over twice your age, the healthiest thing I read in your post was this... 

22 minutes ago, oats23 said:

I never felt guilty or wrong about this until we had our discussion about porn.

...because there really isn't anything to feel super guilty about here, in my opinion. Most everyone masturbates. And when they do? Most everyone is conjuring up some kind of fantasy, sometimes involving their partner, sometimes not, sometimes a gauzy hybrid, and sometimes using an aid (porn, etc.) and sometimes not.

If all of the above starts wreaking havoc on your life—no longer wanting to have real sex with a partner, say, or sneaking away from work to masturbate to porn—you have a problem that needs addressing. If not? There's really no problem, and nothing, really, to discuss.

Now that's just me, of course. I share that because I read what you wrote and can't help but wonder if you—you two—are creating an issue where there isn't one. Prior to this discussion, did you feel that your self-pleasure habits were preventing you from being a good partner and attentive lover? 

[Tinydance]

This might sound weird because I'm actually female but I don't think porn is a problem in moderation. When you're in a relationship your focus should be mostly on your partner sexually. Porn is just a small additional thing. If your partner also enjoys porn maybe you could watch porn together.

I think it's OK if you watch porn by yourself if your girlfriend is actually OK with it. Some people don't like their partner watching porn but these are personal opinions. For example I'm fine with it. 

I think as humans we do get attracted to other people because it's just a biological thing. The main thing is to not act on it and hook up with other people or flirt with other people.

Also I don't really think it's good that you told your girlfriend you fantasise about your friends or masturbate to their photos. I think you were too honest and blunt and it's actually insensitive. For example, I understand that people can fantasise but I don't really want to know that my partner is fantasising about their friends. I think if you happen to fantasise about other people, don't mention it to her. It would probably just hurt her but it won't really achieve anything to tell her the truth.

Maybe try to think of ways you can spice up your sex life with your girlfriend and start pulling away from the masturbation thing. It's OK to do it sometimes but try to enjoy the sex with her and connect. She's a real person there with you who wants to have sex with you. So she's better than just fantasies in your mind, right? Lol

 

[oats23]

41 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I'd like to better understand how this "confession" came up, and what you mean, exactly, by her being understanding. I ask this because I'm not quite making sense of the level of guilt you have since she seemed, at least from what you wrote, to be pretty non-judgmental. 

Thanks for your reply. We were discussing boundaries and porn, and we both agreed that watching porn was not cheating, but probably not something that we were both comfortable with. She was very understanding and supportive about it. My guilt it mainly associated with the information that I am still hiding from her (i.e. that I used to masturbate to thoughts of other women, mostly women I know) because I am worried it will hurt her.

45 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Prior to this discussion, did you feel that your self-pleasure habits were preventing you from being a good partner and attentive lover? 

No, they had no impact on anything of that nature. I'm honestly very proud of my actions as a partner other than the topic at hand.

[oats23]

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Also I don't really think it's good that you told your girlfriend you fantasise about your friends or masturbate to their photos. I think you were too honest and blunt and it's actually insensitive. For example, I understand that people can fantasise but I don't really want to know that my partner is fantasising about their friends. I think if you happen to fantasise about other people, don't mention it to her. It would probably just hurt her but it won't really achieve anything to tell her the truth.

Thank you for the response - maybe I didn't make it clear, but I have not told her about these fantasies or actions for the exact reasons you listed. However I feel compelled to because I can't get rid of my guilt, and I feel like relationships should not have big secrets, especially ones that are bothering me this much. Maybe this is a selfish stance to take.

[jul-els]

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed or proud of. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it means you’re human. 
 

If you’re uncomfortable with the amount of or method by which you choose to engage in this, then it signals a problem. You should heed these signs. This is what’s motivating you to make confessions to your girlfriend to put yourself in the light of being a bad person. 
 

This is about the patterns you choose in engage in, it’s not about being good or bad. If you feel you have a problem with this, you need to reach out to someone who can help you, such as a 12 step program, as opposed to dumping your guilt on your girlfriend. Be honest with yourself. If you need help, seek it out. There are sources available to help you. 
 

[boltnrun]

If you love your girlfriend so much why would you tell her something that you're fairly certain will cause her to end your relationship?

You didn't cheat, didn't have sex with or kiss another girl, you didn't even attempt to, you didn't send nudes or "d" pics or ask for nudes from another girl...so why the extreme guilt?

You seem to want to be punished for your behavior and are kind of using your girlfriend as a proxy to administer the punishment you seem to feel you deserve.

Instead of dumping your guilt on her, why not talk to a therapist? There are online therapy programs and resources you can utilize. That way you can have an uninvolved professional gauge whether or not this is something you should end your relationship over, since that is basically what you believe would happen if you "confessed".

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, oats23 said:

However I feel compelled to because I can't get rid of my guilt, and I feel like relationships should not have big secrets, especially ones that are bothering me this much.

You're not selfish, but you're inexperienced with relationships. 

This is the sort of "confession" that will do more harm than good, and probably end your relationship. You need to learn to develop appropriate boundaries, as not everything needs to be shared with a partner - nor should it be. This is not some big secret. It's something that even she probably does, to thoughts of other guys. It's all quite normal, OP, and need not cause problems between you. Your guilt it disproportionate to the perceived "wrong-doing" here. 

If you find your habit is getting out of control, then yes, you need to find ways to limit yourself or get your urges out in more constructive manner. But it doesn't seem to be at that point. You're getting yourself all twisted up over something that is not actually a big deal, in the grand scheme of things. 

[Kwothe28]

Unless you have a porn adiction or you are a chronic masturbator so you should stop(some even say that masturbation in general is bad as it kills your desire to pursue sex, heard a doctor says it on TV, but that is a very extreme stance), what you do is something everybody does. I even had a girls admiting stuff like that, especially celebrity fantasizing. Its nothing to be ashamed about.

I wouldnt go that far and confessing everything you masturbated for to your girlfriend. Its a private thing and it doesnt affect your relationship in a way that it doesnt spoil her. It would be a different thing that, for example, you have a lower sex drive because of it because then it would affect your relationship. Like this, it goes to "oversharing" category. You wouldnt want to know what she masturbates to sometimes so she shouldnt know too. There are couples who like to overshare even stuff like that but she doesnt enjoy it so dunno why you would create a problem out of it.

Is she in particular against masturbating in a relationship? One of those who think that you shouldnt be masturbating as you have her now? if yes, then it is a problem. Because your values dont match. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It was cruel to lay all this on her as if she's your therapist or you want approval or forgiveness or to pressure her into sex to "cure" your so-called addiction

Compulsive masturbating is often related to anxiety, stress, lack of appropriate outlets, etc. 

Relationships are not confessionals or therapy or places to dump emotional messes and guilt and self-loathing into.

If you have some sort of religious issues or depression that makes you feel excessive guilt, again, therapy is the right way to go.

 

 

 

[smackie9]

What you are doing with your "private time" is totally normal and no ones business, not even hers. Men and women like variety and you should never have to restrict yourself unless the porn becomes an addiction and interferes with your regular sex life. You are good buddy, it's ok to enjoy your private time anyway you see fit especially at 19 full of exploding hormones. A sex therapist would even tell you that having normal sexual fantasies is healthy. 

[catfeeder]

It sounds as though you're looking for a reason to blow up this relationship you claim to value.

If that's what you secretly want, then there you are. No argument from me, it's your love life.

Otherwise, consider whether you would discuss the details of your bathroom habits or whether you would regard those as private and irrelevant to cultivating a good relationship with a partner.

Decide whether you want to sabotage this relationship, or not.

If so, consider a more dignified and honest way to do that.

If not, then keep your private habits to yourself and spare her the details of your poo-poo, okay?

If you want to torture yourself needlessly, then enjoy that, too. But if you're really naive enough to believe that nobody else has private fantasies about celebrities or porn stars, just know that this is mundane and does not render you unsuitable for a great relationship. 

So decide whether sabotage is your goal, or not--then behave accordingly.